it's a girl thing

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

2011-09-04T21:08:00.000-05:00

Haven't blogged in soooo long, and darn it, I MISS it. I'm a sporadic journaler, a sometime tweeter and a fickle facebooker, but I've been blogging off and on for over 6 years now, and it is the one thing, the one PLACE to which I always return, at least to visit for a while.

As I've said before, this is the one place where I feel free to be me, to express all the joy, all the pain, all the beauty, all the ugliness that is part of who I am, or have been, or am becoming. It's not always neat and pretty or easy to understand or slog through, and I need a place where it's safe to put it all out there without fear of reprisal or judgment.

This has been and continues to be that place.

Even if no one ever reads what I write, or comments on it, this is a place where I return, maybe not as often as I once did, but the chronicle of my journey is HERE.

The good, the bad, the ugly.

The days when I had sunk so low into depression, self-loathing and despair that I could not face the thought of going on at all. The days before I got sober, when I so desperately WANTED to be sober, but also desperately FEARED what going through life unfiltered by the blissful numbing of alcohol would mean.

That first year, when every DAY I feared I would not make it to the magic 12-month mark.

The days since then as I have grown increasingly confident, and increasingly nonchalant and complacent, taking my sobriety for granted, which I know is a scary place to be...

This is my place of real. My place of transparency and honesty.

I've toyed with the idea of deleting this blog, of starting a new blog where everyone in "real life" knows it's me, and I'm okay with that, but that's the whole point of blogging anonymously or at least pseudonymously, isn't it?

If everyone KNOWS it's me, how free am I to really BE me?

Omigosh. That's some deep shi.... stuff. I think I just blew my own mind.

OK. Later.

Or, rather SOONER than later.

We Will Not Regret the Past...But Can I Have a Do-Over?

2011-04-23T16:35:00.000-05:00

*SIGH*

Just discovered something you should NEVER do on Facebook.

Search for your ex.

Especially "the one that got away."

You know.

The one relationship you really blew.

That if you had a chance to do over, knowing what you know now, you'd jump into that DeLorean without looking back.

He's handsome. Successful. Married to a gorgeous wife with 2 gorgeous kids.

That could have been my life... SHOULD have been my life... if only...

If only I hadn't cheated on him.

If only I hadn't been going through a major depressive episode during a good part of our relationship.

If only I hadn't told him about all the other guys before him, because that's when he really was shattered and the relationship was doomed.

Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda.

The past is the past.

The present is now.

The future is to be... what I choose to make it.

Would my life have been different if I hadn't screwed up that relationship? Would it have been better?

I don't know.

No one knows, and it's not important.

To think that way is dangerous and delusional.

The "if onlys" only lead to regret, resentment and discontentment.

So, I will leave the past behind. I will not regret it or shut the door on it, but I will leave it in the past.

The present is now. I can choose to find the beauty and joy this moment holds, or I can choose to be miserable and to wallow in the mire of inertia.

The future is to come. I can help shape my destiny by the choices I make today. I can set goals and take action to attain them. I can realize that no matter how miserable or regrettable my past may seem, it is filled with experiences I have learned from, that have shaped me, made me stronger.

So... I can choose to search out old loves on Facebook and wistfully dream of the life I MIGHT have had...

...OR, I can celebrate the present in which I'm married to a man I love and respect, who stood by me through the worst days and years of both our lives, and I can honor him and what we have and stop searching for who and what might have been.

Sounds like a no-brainer to me!

A Good Day

2011-04-18T00:47:00.002-05:00

My 4.90 Kickbutt Miles Pathway to Peace

Today was a good day.

I ran 4.90 miles.

It was hard.

It was hot.

I felt like puking.

But I DID IT!

Then, I went to evening church, followed by an evening meeting.

Came home, ate supper, and have been watching DVRed shows, Tweeting, and Facebooking.

And now Blogging!

I'm also doing laundry.

Oh, and we've had free HBO and CineMax all weekend!

Like I said...

...A Good Day.

A REALLY good day! :)

Running To Nowhere

2011-04-12T16:35:00.003-05:00

I'm tired. Slept until 3:30 PM. I know it's part depression, part exhaustion, too much running, not enough healing in between workouts, etc.

When I awoke, I had a voice message from the HR person of the company I've now interviewed with twice for different positions. She said they had just posted another 30 hour position and I should apply for it right away.

Really?

So I can go through all the stress of the application process itself, having to explain in detail my 2 DUIs, the last of which occurred 20 years ago (oh, yes; they ask and tell you not to leave anything out!), then wait to hear if I get an interview, and then go through the stress of the interview itself, followed by the interminable waiting afterward until I hear (or don't) that they've hired someone else for it?

I'm tired and depressed. I know I should call the HR person before 5 PM and thank her effusively for the information and opportunity.

But I'm exhausted emotionally and physically. My meds have run out and I don't have a refill, and haven't found a shrink here yet (laziness and inertia again) to get a new script for my antidepressants. I'm out of cigarettes, and I don't know if I have enough strength mentally and/or physically to go for an endorphin producing run.

I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel.

And I just want them to stop the damn thing so I can get off it.

Happy BirthdAAy To ME!

2011-04-10T21:43:00.003-05:00

My, my... how time flies! Today is my 4th Sober Birthday. Yep, I'm FOUR YEARS SOBER TODAY!!

Yay me.

It's been a quiet, good day.

Hubby and I celebrated with Belgian waffles, real maple syrup and butter, and Harney's White Peach Tea. YUM!

Went to church this evening, so I missed the evening meeting and haven't had any cake.

Yet.

Working Girl?

2011-03-11T14:08:00.000-06:00

Took a teller assessment test for a possible job with a bank yesterday and PASSED! Also had a call from HR about an hour ago, but we're playing phone tag right now so haven't actually spoken to her yet today.

I really need a job, and although this may not be THE one, it's definitely attractive, so I can't help being excited. Have no idea about the pay, but I know they have benefits, reasonable hours, and it's close to home, so with the price of gas these days, that's definitely a factor. Right now, we need to pay down our debt and replace at least one of our vehicles, so ANYTHING would help, and this is much better than just anything!

Did I mention I'm excited?!?!

Plus, just passing the test and getting the call is such a boost to my deflated sense of self-worth after submitting so many resumes and applications with absolutely no response, except an automated one acknowledging reception of the submission.

So I'm just a LITTLE excited.

OMG! The HR person just called me back! I'VE GOT AN INTERVIEW SCHEDULED NEXT WEEK!!

Please keep me in your prayers! I know my Higher Power is in this entire situation and has my best interest at heart, so please pray that I will accept His direction and know that if this job isn't the one for me, He will lead me to the one that is.

xoxo

Cooking with Whine

2011-03-07T18:33:00.000-06:00

I made Chicken Divan the other night. I haven't made it in FOREVER, and definitely not since I got sober. However, I needed to come up with a dish that could be frozen for a family with a new baby, and that's always been my old standby in situations like this.

So, I went to Kroger and shopped for all the ingredients.

Now, you need to understand that in the past, I've always used white wine or sherry in the sauce. Not wanting to purchase the "real" thing, I purchased a small bottle of white cooking wine. You're only supposed to use 3 tablespoons in the sauce, or 5 1/2, since I was increasing the recipe by half. I put in the amount called for, and all you could taste was butter and plain flour. Yuck! So, I continued adding and adding more cooking wine, and it still turned out very disappointing. My husband liked it okay, but I knew it wasn't nearly as good as what I used to make with real wine or sherry.

So, this is my dilemma: I love to cook, and in the past cooked a lot, and a lot of my favorite and most popular recipes called for wine. I don't want to use "real" wine now, because, quite frankly, I think it's still too much of a temptation for me to have open in the house. But, how do I cook and get the same quality of taste from recipes calling for wine when I can't, or won't, use it?

Any advice from other alkies would be greatly appreciated. Meanwhile, I guess I just need to suck it up and quit whining.

Too Pooped To Post

2011-03-05T13:22:00.007-06:00

It's Saturday and I'm pooped. This week has been a whirlwind of activity. Nothing major. Just stuff I'm not used to doing anymore.

On Monday, I cleaned the house from top to bottom, or more precisely, from one end to another. My sister and her family arrived late that evening and left in the wee hours of the morning on Wednesday. Fun, but tiring. I cooked, cooked and cooked some more. My sis was a lot of help, but I had zero alone time while they were here, and I need an hour or two in the day just to reflect, refresh and recuperate.

On Thursday, my pastor called me to ask me to prepare a meal for a couple in our small group who have just been blessed with the arrival of their first baby.

So I shopped and cooked and baked and froze. And cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom, including removing the knobs on the stove and scouring the stove top and wiping the floor down again.

And I'm exhausted. Wiped out. Pooped.

I used to be SOOOO Martha Stewart. Not anymore. Wonder where that went, and when??

Now it's Saturday and I just want to sleep, catch up on Cupcake Wars and Criminal Minds and sleep some more.

And, I ask you, Martha: What's wrong with that?

I'm Not Lovin' It

2011-02-23T12:57:00.006-06:00

I am in a bog of quicksand, known as Resume Hell, and sinking fast.

I have to find a job. My hubby is constantly stressed out because of all the debt we've amassed, and eventually, we want to buy a house.

Plus, he's going to be traveling a lot with his job come spring.

So, I need to start working again, both for financial reasons and to put some structure into my everyday life.

I have no problem with that part.

I know I can DO almost any job that interests me or I'm qualified for.

It's GETTING the job, or actually getting the interview that's tough.

I've been trying to update and rewrite this durn thing for 3 days now.

Which format to go with?

Functional? Chronological? Hybrid?

*SIGH*

For almost my entire adult life, any time I've wanted or needed a job, I've gotten that initial intro through word of mouth, a friend of a friend -- that sort of thing.

So, this is really hard. I have to present myself and my history and my accomplishments in a way that will make someone want to consider an almost-54 year old woman for a job.

Who would want ME? I'm too old, I don't have the right experience, and I've never really accomplished anything of significance in my entire life.

I'm a washed-up loser, a hack, a has-been.

Maybe McDonald's is hiring.

Under The Weather

2011-02-20T13:49:00.000-06:00

My honey and me are both sick.

Chest congestion, nasty coughs, and now upper respiratory symptoms as well.

I think I got it on the airplane from Denver to Atlanta, but truth be told, I could have been exposed in any number of ways at any point in my time away skiing.

Since I came down with it first, I'm actually feeling a little better than my PBH (Precious Baby Husband, if you must know must know -- ooh, did you just throw up in your mouth?), I am trying to take care of him and dote on him, make him comfortable, and generally fuss over him.

The odd thing is, this is the first time I can remember maybe ever actually wanting to do this because I love and cherish him.

In the past, I did it grudgingly, muttering under my breath, and building a growing sense of anger and resentment.

Why? Who knows.

I was angry and resentful about everything back then. I felt that life was generally unfair, and in addition, that I'd been dealt the most pathetic hand in history, that I'd drawn the shortest straw since the dawn of woman. I hated my life and resented and hated my husband for not allowing me to develop into whatever my full potential was meant to be.

Not that I had a clue what that was or looked like.

It was just so much easier to blame someone else, someone close to me -- someone I love, someone I had committed to spending the rest of my life with -- for all my unhappiness and my failure to accomplish anything or to achieve any sense of purpose and meaning in my life.

Ya know what? I still don't know what my purpose, my destiny -- whatever you want to call it -- in life is.

The difference is that today, I don't obsess as much over it.

I've learned over the past 3 and 3/4 years that I may not see the big picture right now -- maybe NEVER -- but that's okay.

More will be revealed.

My responsibility is to be focused, alive, and aware of the cues and of what is going on around me right now, in the present moment. To respond to that and to do my best to live in a way that reflects my relationship with my Higher Power, and the love the he has for me, and that he wants me to share with those around me.

So, perhaps it's that Love that's motivating me right now to be kind, compassionate, caring, tender and loving toward my husband, to nurse and nurture him while he's weak and vulnerable, to do whatever I can to help him heal and regain his health and strength quickly.

Whatever the reason, the motivation is, I like it. I like the change. I like the serenity that comes with it.

And I like me better, too.

WARNING: Wonderland Ahead

2011-02-19T13:20:00.001-06:00

Go read Jeremy's post, Cunning. Baffling. Powerful. NOW!

Wow. Powerful, right?!

And, oh, how I relate...

When I came back from skiing, I stayed overnight at my mother-in-law's in Atlanta. I wanted smooth legs for my honey who was to pick me up in Memphis (sorry, TMI!), so while trying to locate my razor which I'd cleverly stowed inside my ski boot bag, I accidentally cut my finger. Like all flesh wounds, it bled profusely, so I opened the medicine cabinet to search for a BandAid.

Now, you need to know that Mom never takes ANY medication (barring her required thyroid medication, which she takes religiously and ritualistically), but laying on the shelf was a little paper packet that said "for pain as needed..."

It might as well have said "Drink Me" or "Eat Me."

In an audible voice.

I left the packet on the shelf, untouched, but I knew the pills were were there... waiting.

Taking one or two or three (c'mon - who knows how long they've been in there - they probably have lost all their efficacy by now!) would alter my feelings, take me out of my discomfort, numb my anxiety and put me in an altered state of emotion and experience.

They would take me out of the miserable discomfort of being me.

It was almost as if I was being mocked and set up: "You got through the ski trip; here's your reward... come on, it's JUST PILLS, not alcohol, not your drug of choice."

I had to slam the door shut on the temptation and the voice of my addiction, which was telling me just to nab the packet (it would never be missed, after all) and save it "for later."

I had to take a moment and repeat over and over, while staring into the blank whiteness of the washbasin, "I don't do that anymore."

"I don't DO that anymore!"

"I. DON'T. DO. THAT. ANYMORE!!!"

I don't go through people's medicine cabinets looking for pills.

I don't tell myself pills are okay.

I don't pretend that pills won't take me almost immediately back to my first love, alcohol.

Because they will. Inevitably and inexorably.

And if I ever drink again, I will wreck everything.

I'll destroy myself, my life, and those I love.

I will be out on the street and dead in a matter of months, not years.
That's how bad my alcoholism is.

That's the kind of alcoholic and addict I am.

And I am BOTH.

Maybe my drug of choice, my "main" addiction is alcohol, but anything that controls my emotions, alters my state of consciousness, elevates or deflates my mood will be my undoing.

Thanks, Jeremy, for your amazingly candid and timely post.

You're in my heart.

Care for a tart? (durn, I KNEW I was going to do that!)

Sober Skiing in Snowmass

2011-02-18T22:41:00.002-06:00

I DID IT!!

I went snow skiing in Snowmass, Colorado for a week with my former ~~drinking buddies~~ ski chums, and I DID NOT DRINK!!

Even when my ass was falling off.

There were a couple of nervous moments, but I realized even before they occurred that they would be caused by my social anxiety, which USED to be alleviated by drinking, and that it might be tough, but armed with the right tools, I could get through them.

That's pretty much a part of everyday life out in the real world. I've had to become accustomed to blushing when I can't find my wallet in the checkout line, getting tongue-tied at the bank teller's window, and babbling incoherently when asked if I can be helped by retail store personnel.

Granted, it's better when I'm on Cymbalta, but the anxiety and awkwardness are never totally gone, and I'm never completely at ease in any social setting beyond my immediate family (meaning my husband and my cat). Even my family of origin, all of whom I adore, can be tough to be around, especially all at once.

I know I was stupid and headstrong to do this. I knowingly put myself in a potentially dangerous situation.

But it was a challenge I felt I needed to face.

And I DID IT!!

So, nah-nah-nah-nu-nu-stick-your-head-in-doo-doo to everyone who was sure I'd fail, and THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart to all who prayed for me and cheered me along the way.

I love you all. M-U-A-H!!

New Years Eve News

2010-12-31T12:18:00.005-06:00

Hey, y'all. Haven't updated for a while, and just need to catch my breath a bit and say "Hello, I'm still here!"

Don't know why that's so important, except I guess having this blog that no one reads is at least a way to keep myself real and accountable in some way.

Christmas was OK. Not great, but OK. Went to my mom's in NC. She seemed ready for everyone to leave by the day after Christmas. We'd gotten there late Christmas Eve, so I drove down to Charlotte Monday, dropped hubby at the airport (he flew down to Fort Lauderdale to sail our Arlberg 30 around to Fort Myers to leave in dry dock since we're now landbound) and on down to Atlanta to pick up my mother-in-law to drive with me back to Oxford, MS.

We left on Wednesday and got here about 5 PM. It's now Friday, and she's ready to leave, so I had to go online and book her a flight, and now I have to drive 70 miles up and 70 miles back to Memphis. I'm a little peeved and put out, and not feeling too much in the way of gratitude right now.

Anyway, that's where I am emotionally right now, and it's not a safe place for me to be. And, I'll probably miss the 5:30 meeting tonight because I won't be back in time from dropping her at the airport. I think there is a 7:00 PM meeting, though, so hopefully, I can make that one.

I need a meeting desperately. I haven't been to one for at least 2 weeks now, and am starting to have really frighteningly real drinking dreams again, which is always a huge red flag for me that I am either entering or already in relapse mode.

In my dream last night, I was on a ski trip, and accepted a drink from someone, and that was it. When I woke up, I actually felt as if I had a hangover, as the room was stuffy and I was developing a bad sinus headache. After a few seconds, I realized "It's only a dream..." but the fear and depression were still there.

I am going on my first ski trip in 4 years in about a month. It's the same group I used to go with in my drinking days. They are not heavy-duty drinkers, but they do like to have a few cocktails après ski and before dinner, and sometimes with dinner and after dinner... maybe they're more heavy-duty than I realized or wanted to admit.

I have a lot of anxiety and apprehension about going skiing for a week with people that I used to drink with. I don't fear that they will pressure me, since they are aware of and respect my newfound sobriety and recovery, but I'm afraid of being around "it" and feeling uncomfortable and knowing that taking a drink would relieve that anxiety for the moment.

For the moment.

And, then I would be in hell. Everything that I think and feel in those first few seconds of waking from the vivid drinking dreams would be real. The shame. The guilt. The remorse. The regret. The wanting to launch into crisis management/coverup mode, struggling with telling Roy, my sponsor, etc., etc., or just keeping it to myself and living with the lie.

I NEVER want to go through that hell again.

I AM grateful for something. Grateful for the drinking dreams, the reminder of how it was and how it would be if I ever do pick up that first drink.

My plan while skiing is to hit a meeting in Aspen every afternoon while everyone else is doing après ski and the hot tub. If that means I'm seen as a loner, as distant and aloof, too bad. I want to go skiing, and for some weird reason, I want to prove to myself that I can be in a challenging (dangerous) environment and walk through it.

I don't want to be arrogant, ignorant, or naive, though. I'm scared that maybe I am not ready to face this yet, that maybe I'll never be (places, people, etc.) and that I'm stupid to put myself into this situation. But, if I CAN walk through it and come out unscathed on the other side, I'll be stronger, knowing that I can handle a difficult situation and get through it as long as I am aware, vigilant and doing what I need to do.

That sounds so confident, and I am NOT confident. I'm confused and anxious, filled with self-doubt.

I have DEFINITELY got to get to a meeting tonight!

New Kid On The Block

2010-12-11T16:40:00.001-06:00

Hey, y'all. There's a new guy in town. Go welcome Seth at Telling War Stories to the the Recovery Neighborhood.

Go on now . . .

. . . Shoo!

Please Pray

2010-11-19T15:32:00.000-06:00

I'm leading our 5:30 meeting this afternoon. As usual, I'm putting WAAAAY too much thought into this - how I'm going to do it, what I'm going to do and say, what I should wear, whether I should I wash my hair, or if it would be good to take in some "visuals," etc., etc. ad nauseum

Please pray that I will be STILL and LISTEN for the words my HP wants me to speak.

Please pray that I will not feel I have to speak, but that I can instead allow others who NEED to speak do so.

Please pray that I'll focus on the people there, and the purpose for which we're there, instead of on my own insecurities.

Please pray that I don't try to make this about me, either in my own head, or (especially!) in the meeting.

Please pray that I will be humble, transparent and teachable, that I will be a vessel for the wisdom that comes from that One in whom I've placed my trust and hope.

Please pray that I will be sensitive and compassionate, especially to anyone who is struggling, and especially to the newcomer.

Please pray that I will grow through this experience, but that my pride and ego won't.

Please pray. God knows I need all the help I can get!

Then God Shows Up

2010-11-17T11:57:00.001-06:00

How perfect is this?!
Note cards for the chronically insecure - aka ME!

As I was concluding the post As Sick as Our Secrets, my husband walked into the room. I quickly minimized the screen, and turned my chair to face him. "Baby, I'm really worried about our finances," he said.

A rush of emotions flooded me: guilt, shame, remorse, and RELIEF.

"I know you are, sweetie. And I need to tell you something that's been eating at me and tearing me apart the past few days."

In a rush, I confessed to him about the spending spree, told him that I realized it was triggered by my own issues of insecurity and lack of self-worth, and that I had in fact just written a blog post confronting that truth, and that I had been afraid to tell him, that I'd wanted to "fix it" before facing him, but knew I needed to be honest and accountable with him NOW.

He was, of course, concerned about the actual spending. But more importantly, he was grateful for the honesty, and that I really do want to confront this HUGE character defect and begin taking the steps I need to overcome it, and to rout out the deeper issues that are manifesting in this behavior that hurts both of us.

We hugged, then made breakfast together, sat down and ate, and I got ready for a Saturday morning meeting and went, very late, but went, nonetheless (chronic tardiness: another HUGE character defect I need to confront and overcome!).
I am going up to Germantown either later today, or most likely, tomorrow to return most of the items I bought in my frenzied online shopping spree.

Most of the items. That bothers me. If these were purchases made in haste and panic, if I would not have purchased these items if I hadn't felt pressured to have something new to wear to a wedding I thought we were attending, WHY do I feel I NEED any of the things I bought? The truth is, I don't NEED any of them; I WANT them.

The impending wedding was the catalyst, the motivator, the EXCUSE I needed to prompt me to buy what I coveted, and once I gave into the desire, it was just like a drinking spree: there was no controlling or stopping the desire and the resulting tornado of action in my carrying it out.

So, the real reason that I haven't returned anything, that I'm putting it off still another day (most likely, tomorrow) is that I don't want to part with those things which VERY BRIEFLY gave me some sense of peace, worthiness, joy and serenity, however false.

Because, I still don't feel that I am worthy, or deserving of joy, peace and serenity. I don't feel that I am ENOUGH by myself, without something outside myself to validate myself. I am still sick.

Last night at a meeting, we celebrated a beautiful woman's first "birthday." For 6 years, she had been in and out of the rooms. She is a wife, a mother, and a truly beautiful person, both on the outside and the inside. She has a caring, generous spirit, and a serenity that is attractive to the newcomer and the oldtimer alike.

At least, that's what I SEE. What she shared is quite different, and more in sync with my view of myself. She may APPEAR to have it all together to those outside looking in, but she knows, and her Higher Power knows, what she is on the inside, what her struggles are, and how fleeting the serenity actually can be as she goes through her busy days, how she still wants to crowd the world out at times by taking a quick drink.

But she doesn't take that drink, has not for a year. And, by her own admission, her life is better today than it has been since she can remember. Because she is taking action, doing the next right thing, and working a complete, thorough, and HONEST program. Because she has quit lying to herself and to others, and has chosen to expose and confront her secrets.

Her secrets do not have power over her when she shares them with others. She can then examine them and take the action needed to eliminate the domination they have had over her for so long.

I used to sit in meetings and when a person with a LOT more sobriety would say to me "Thanks, you kept me sober today," I would seethe with anger and hurt pride. What the HELL did that mean? I think I'm beginning to see that when someone with less time or the same time or more time shares honestly and completely, when they are transparent and vulnerable, it allows me to see myself, my character defects, my self will run riot, and it makes me want to confront what is dark and hidden, what will keep me sick, and to expose it and attack it.

I think that's what it means. If another alcoholic's story allows me to see my own faults and areas needing work, if a newcomer causes me to want to be more honest and to take action, that keeps me sober.

I'm getting tired of being at a standstill in my recovery and in my spiritual growth. I want to take the hard look, do the hard work, and really begin to move forward and to grow. I have over 3 years sober, and I've never sponsored anyone, never been asked, and never offered. I am ashamed of this fact. I know my HP can use me just as I am to help another alcoholic, and I pray that He will today, but I want to become so much more than I am today, and I'm praying, too, that He'll help me to not only SEE what I need to do, but that He'll give me the courage and the wisdom to GET OFF MY BUTT and take the action needed to get out of my own way.

Change is scary, growth is scary; messing with the status quo is scary. But, it's also GOOD.

What's that saying? Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Here's to change. Wish me luck. No, wait, wish me COURAGE and WISDOM!

Weird, Wild Stuff (warning: not a serious post)

2010-11-15T16:23:00.008-06:00

Submitted for your consideration, an ordinary, middle-aged couple move to another state... a state where neither have lived previously... yet a state strangely familiar... Pam and Roy have just moved to . . .

. . . THE TWILIGHT ZONE . . .

Mississippi's state flower is the Magnolia. My first ever online password was "magnolia" (NO, I no longer use this ANYWHERE, so don't even try it).
Mississippi's state bird is the Mockingbird. One of my favorite Southern authors is Harper Lee, and To Kill a Mockingbird has always been one of my fave books and movies (L-O-V-E Gregory Peck in this role - his absolute best IMHO). On the other hand, I canNOT STAND that song by Carly Simon! [*shudder*]
I now live in a subdivision named Twelve Oaks, which was the name of Ashley's family estate in Gone With The Wind, my ALL TIME favorite Southern book and movie (I don't usually list it in my online profile information 'cuz it's gotten a little controversial, which is stupid. You can't judge a movie from the 30's by 21st century political views!!)
To continue with the GWTW thing or theme, I live on Scarlett Drive, and Scarlett O'Hara has ALWAYS been my secret heroine and role model. I mean, here she was supposed to be this prim and proper Southern belle and to behave accordingly, but she knew how to get what she wanted and did what it took! I think it's that rebellious, independent, "I'll show you!" attitude I identify with and admire. Hopefully, it's not her selfishness and ruthless narcissism!
Last but not least: I named my car "Bonnie Blue" years ago, after Bonnie Blue Butler, Scarlett and Rhett's daughter (who dies tragically in a riding accident). "Bonnie Blue" is the name of one of the streets in our neighborhood (!!!).

OMG!! Can you freakin' BELIEVE this?

Dooh-dooh-dooh-dooh-dooh-dooh-dooh-dooh (that's supposed to be the theme music from The Twilight Zone TV show.)

As Sick As Our Secrets

2010-11-13T13:12:00.000-06:00

My stomach is in a knot, I feel nauseated, anxious and apprehensive. I actually feel as if I've been on bender, and now I've woken up, groggy, panicked and wondering how much damage I've done and how I can fix it before it gets any worse.

This is all my own doing. I'm filled with guilt, remorse and regret about spending over $1,000 in the course of 2 days, ordering items online in duplicate sizes, various styles, etc. All for a wedding it turns out we're NOT attending.

Damage control. Must get these items back to the stores and get refunds on the 3 different credit cards I used BEFORE my husband sees the bills, or gets a call from a creditor inquiring about "unusual activity."

I did hesitate at first, or at least before making the first purchase. Actually waited and agonized for a couple of days, but then I allowed the fear of not having the "right" thing to wear (OK, let's be RIGOROUSLY HONEST here: not having something NEW that made me feel "special") take over and ignite the spark that set the fire ablaze.

COVET, SPEND, ACQUIRE, COVET, SPEND, ACQUIRE, COVET... It is an endless and, indeed, vicious cycle.

Yes, I can still do some "damage control," even though the stores are over an hour away from here, which means I'll either have to admit to my husband what I've done BEFORE taking steps to rectify the damage (heaven forbid!) or wait until Monday and hope Bonnie Blue makes it up to Germantown and back without incident.

It would be simpler to go ahead and tell him.

But my pride and fear are holding me back. Not wanting to be judged, not wanting to see and feel his anger and disappointment, not wanting to mar this otherwise nice weekend we are having.

In my heart, I know it's better to be honest, to not hold back, to swallow my pride and move forward through my fear. DO IT AFRAID. That's what my therapist tells me. It's probably the only way I will really be able to confront this HUGE character defect and begin taking steps to overcome it.

I have to be honest with MYSELF first, but knowledge is useless unless acted upon.

I KNOW this. It's just so darn scary sometimes to take that first step.

Grateful

2010-11-12T23:56:00.003-06:00

I was already thinking of doing a gratitude list, and then read Jeremy's awesome post. I have so much to be grateful for in my life today, even when I forget, or when I focus on minor irritations and insignificant inconveniences.

Today, I'm grateful for:

A husband who loves me and who chose to go with me to a marriage workshop at our church tonight. That he even WANTS to do something like this today is a testament to the way this program works, and that the Promises indeed come true.
New fellow/fellowettes in my life who are quickly becoming new friends.
Being invited (with my husband) to join a couples small group at church.
Being given opportunities to serve others.
Being able to rent a gorgeous 2,400 sq ft house here in our new hometown for less than it cost us to rent a 1,100 sq ft town house in Hollywood FL.

Bonnie Blue, My Faithful Little '93 Ford Tempo. 160,000+ Miles and Still Going!

Having a car that runs and mostly gets me where I want to go, even if it does have over 160,000 miles on it and is costing us more to keep on the road than buying or leasing a newer model would be (don't ask). Gotta luv my little Bonnie Blue Beater!
Being reminded of the fact that being in this program requires working this program, and that I need to get off my butt and get a sponsor here in my new hometown.
Blogs and websites to visit that encourage and challenge me as I continue on this path of recovery.
Clean sheets and an electric warming blanket calling me to the restorative power of sleep.

G'nite. Sleep tight. :D xo, PJ

Reality Bites

2010-11-11T23:36:00.002-06:00

Just finished my THIRD (yep, count 'em: THREE!!) cupcake (with cream cheese and butter cream vanilla bean frosting - YUM!) of the day.

And I ate at least that many yesterday.

No wonder I'm having to go up a size in skirts and pants!

**Sigh**

I like to be thin, but I like to eat more.

Say, are you gonna eat that?

'Cuz if you're not...

I guess moderation in ANYthing is a challenge to this alcoholic!

Armistice Day: Poppies and Remembrance

2010-11-11T15:28:00.000-06:00

I was reminded by Mary Christine's post of a poignantly beautiful poem written by a Canadian doctor serving on the battlefields in World War I. His words, penned so long ago, speak not only for him, but for every veteran of every battle of every war. May God bless you all.

Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae
(learn more)

In Flanders Fields
By John McCrae

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie,
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Boundaries

2010-11-09T16:11:00.001-06:00

I have a difficult time with boundaries. For years, I operated as if I had none, and I let myself play the victim to the hilt. (Poor me, poor me... pour me another drink.)

Today I am aware that I need to have boundaries, and in some areas, I've established some pretty solid ones, but in other areas, I continue to struggle.

I think a lot of my uncertainty and hesitancy stems from not really having a clear perspective on what a healthy balance looks like when it comes to being available, helpful, caring and compassionate versus taking care of myself and not allowing myself to become a doormat.

The newcomer I mentioned previously is quickly becoming a source of irritation, frustration, anger and resentment for me. She seems to have ZERO boundaries when it comes to asking for help and favors. And, what I feared regarding my setting an unhealthy precedent by agreeing to go way out of my way to help her this past Saturday seems to be materializing rapidly.

And she has no clue. I won't go into the details, but yesterday was a complete waste for me due to this woman and her demands, expectations, and complete ignorance of basic human courtesy (e.g., calling someone to tell them you no longer need a ride before they call you while en route to pick you up!). I'm frustrated and irritated with her, and I'm more frustrated and irritated with myself for feeling helpless and not knowing how to handle this situation.

I don't think this woman is even aware that she is doing or expecting anything unreasonable. I don't think it even occurs to her to consider how her expectations, actions, and demands impact others. She is so wrapped up in what she's going through right now that she cannot entertain awareness of anything else.

I get that. I have sympathy and compassion for her and for her current emotional, physical, spiritual and mental state. I realize that especially in the beginning, the focus has to be on self and getting better. In the beginning, it is a ME program, and it is a selfish program, and it needs to be that way. I see and feel and hear her desperation, and the fact that right now, it's literally one moment at a time for her, and that just getting to that NEXT moment demands heroic determination and focus, to the exclusion of any outside distractions.

I am truly grateful and happy that she HAS that desperation, that she wants a life of release and freedom so badly that she is willing to go to any lengths get it. Really, truly, I am.

I can overlook a lot her behavior, her apparent lack of consideration for anyone else, and attribute it to the fact that she is desperate and new. She also seems to be having some real cognitive and physical problems that I guess may be resulting from withdrawal from alcohol or pills or whatever she was on (hell, it could be crack-cocaine or heroin; I don't know, because she hasn't told me a damn thing!).

Aha.

And now we get to the root of the real issue underneath my frustration and anger. This newcomer has asked me, without the slightest hesitation or reservation, to turn my life upside down to accommodate her, yet she hasn't shared the FIRST THING about her issues and addiction(s), her emotional state -- her story -- with me.

If you want me to turn my life upside down to accommodate you and your needs, at least trust me enough to open the door a tiny, teensy crack, to allow me to begin to get a glimpse of who your are and how I can help you as you face your fears. Throw me a bone. Show me that you want to trust me, even if trust is generally impossible for you right now. If I see that you want to trust me -- even if you can't trust me or anyone else yet -- chances are, I'll bend over backwards and leap through hoops to help you.

If you refuse to open yourself to me even a tiny bit -- if you continually put up a wall, yet conversely and constantly make demands on my time and energy -- I will shut down.

And, eventually, I will shut you out. Out of my thoughts, out of my of day, out of my sobriety and my recovery. Out of my life.

Not out of anger or frustration or irritation, or lack of empathy or sympathy, but out of an instinct for self-preservation.

Because, even after a few years, even after we begin to see that this is a WE program, it still is -- and needs to remain -- a ME program. If I do not first protect and take care of myself and my sobriety, I really cannot be of help to anyone else.

Where is that balance?

I guess more will be revealed...

2 Left Feet

2010-11-08T08:40:00.000-06:00

It's official. I have 2 left feet. After church yesterday, I went shopping for cowgirl boots and found a pair I love (or at least really like). They were pricier than I wanted, but I loved the way they fit and looked on me.

I had a bunch of errands to run, so didn't make it home until after 5 PM. On opening the box, and eagerly pulling on on my brand-spankin' new boots, I realized something was amiss. Somehow, I had purchased 2 left-foot boots. Same size, only both for the left foot.

The store had already closed, and no voice mail picked up when I called, so I'll have to go back this morning and try to exchange one of my left-foot boots for a right-foot one.

I just hope someone with 2 right feet doesn't purchase the other "pair" in the meantime.

Friday Already?

2010-11-06T01:12:00.000-05:00

Technically, I guess it's SATURDAY already, at least in Mississippi. I had 2 Twix and a Diet Red Bull for dinner, munched on fruit and veggies, ate 3 vanilla Oreos (my husband's) and now am sitting at my PC eating handfuls of my husband's cereal, dry from the box. Hubby is not here. He is at his Mommy's in Atlanta, so I am being BAD!! :D Next, I plan to drink a 5 hour energy shot and watch a bunch of my previously recorded shows.

I haven't been totally bad today. In fact, as sobriety and recovery go, I was a pretty darned GOOD girl! I responded to a voice message a girl I'd met last week in a meeting left me (who the hell calls at 7 AM in the freaking morning??!!), and we chatted for a while. I had stayed up all night unpacking boxes and doing laundry and being petulant and resentful that my husband expects me do EVERYTHING. It pisses him off when I stay up all night, and it makes me look like such a martyr when I've been working on the house and laundry, etc., so I do give in to the urge every so often. Not more than twice a week or so.

I went to bed around noon and woke up around 3 PM when Roy came home to pack. I drank coffee, got ready for my 5:30 meeting, and went to it. It was a GREAT meeting, and I'm so glad I was able to be there and hear what I needed to hear and share what I needed to share.

I had forgotten to take my cell phone, so I had another voice mail on my phone when I got home, this time from a lady who is brand new, just starting to go to meetings, and I'm not sure she's sure she's an alcoholic yet. Thank goodness, I and some others had given her our phone numbers, so when she got stressed out today, she called. I called her back and she wants to go with me to the 10 AM meeting tomorrow, which is fine -- in fact I'm thrilled she wants to go -- but when I suggested a meeting place so she could follow me to the meeting she more or less indicated she doesn't want to have to deal with Ole Miss at-home-game traffic tomorrow, and would like me to come and get her.

Okay, normally, I might be a teensy bit put out by this, but I'm actually pretty damn pissed off about the entire scenario. She lives south of town, which means, I would have to drive through the pre-game traffic both to pick her up and take her home, going way out of my way to do so, as I live on the side of town where the meeting is.

I'm not doing it.

She wants me to call her tomorrow morning at 9AM, and I'm just going to tell her that since our conversation earlier tonight, I looked at the map, and realized what picking her up would involve for me, and that as I said tonight, I will be MORE than happy to meet her at a mutually convenient spot, and she is welcome to even leave her car there if she doesn't want to follow me, and I'm happy to bring her back to her car, but I am NOT going to take on the very thing she is so anxious to avoid.

The only thing is, now I feel guilty that I'm not willing to go out of my way to help a newcomer. Part of me just wants to shut up, pick her up, and not let it get to me, but to be happy to have an opportunity to be of service. Another part of me is saying, hey wait a minute, she may be a newcomer, but she's not new in town, and you are. That part, which is not such a nice part of me, is also saying, do this this one time and you are setting a precedent, and you are setting yourself up to be used and walked on from here on out.

What's difficult for me to sort out here is the truth, and what is truly important. Granted, I have issues, and become defensive easily. I have also failed to set proper boundaries in the past, and have ended up in situations where backpedaling was impossible. So, first things first... my feeling "put out" and taken advantage of is probably mostly due to fear, false pride, feelings of inadequacy and lack of self-confidence. It is probably more important that this newcomer gets to a meeting, even at significant inconvenience to me, than it is for me to establish boundaries and avoid being used. I remember how frightened I was to go to some of my first meetings in AA, and if people hadn't put themselves out and taken me to and from the meetings, I know I wouldn't have gone.

So, I need to do this. Even if I have fears of setting an unhealthy precedent with this lady. Even if I am taking her inventory and wondering what kind of issues she has that makes driving so impossible for her right now. Even if I think she is incredibly self-centered and thoughtless to hint at my having to drive clear across town and back twice so she can get to a meeting.

Because she needs a meeting. I need a meeting. I need to humble myself, swallow my pride and release my fears and resentments and realize that God is in this. This lady called ME and asked for help. That took incredible courage, born of desperation. She wants to stop drinking and start living and she doesn't know how to do that yet, and she certainly can't do it alone. Thank you, HP, for allowing me to be of service to another alcoholic, even if you had to drag me to it, kicking and screaming. Thank you for loving me, and for loving my new friend that much. Thy will (not mine) be done.

Promised Pics: Boots Helps Mommy Post

2010-11-01T23:46:00.000-05:00

See that loose skin? I lost 2 pounds during the move! (Y'know, the experts say only death and divorce are as traumatic as moving...)

WTF??!! Get that out of my face, woman.

Maybe if I ignore her, she'll just go away.

Ha! Serves ya right, BI-ATCH!! Ya move, ya lose. Now leave me alone and let me get some sleep!

So Much To Tell, So Little Time...

2010-11-01T16:22:00.000-05:00

Whew! Where do I even start?

Nutshell Version:
Moved to Oxford, MS just over 2 weeks ago. Decided with my therapist to do a new 90 in 90 (new town, new support group/friends needed, etc.). Everything going well, at least on the surface. Husband in his element - dream job, meeting influential people in his field, being challenged, growing in knowledge, etc. ad nauseum.

Not so great, is that I started smoking AGAIN, having quit 2 weeks or so prior to moving, after I started smoking AGAIN after quitting for 9 weeks or more.

I know the smoking is just another unhealthy and essentially nonproductive way to mask what I'm truly feeling and not deal. But right now, I just can't deal with everything, don't WANT to deal non-chemically-enhanced with all this reality, cuz right now it's too much.

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE Oxford. People in general here are genuinely the nicest I've ever met, and I'm from the South originally. I am grateful and excited to have gotten into a recovery core group so soon, and my fellows and fellowettes have been remarkable in making me feel welcome, giving me phone numbers, making sure I know where meetings are, etc, etc. I am home, truly, and felt that way after walking into my very first meeting here, even though I was 30 minutes late.

I am just a little down and sad at the moment, mostly from post-move, mid-unpacking stress, I'm sure. But, it's a little more than that, too. I just want my husband to love and accept me for who I am and despite who I am and what I do that he dislikes (i.e. smoking and spending money), especially when he knows I'm really trying.

I'm sitting here typing and the tears are welling up, my sinuses and eyes are stinging, and I don't want to cry, cuz I've got to wrap this up and get showered and dressed in time for my 5:30 meeting.

Roy's going to ATL this weekend. I was planning to go, too, and we were just going to take Boots with us since it's only a 6 hr. drive and my mother-in-law loves her grandkitty. But now, I'm thinking I just want a weekend away from him (Roy, not the cat). So, I'm going to tell him that tonight. I don't care if he gets pissed either. I need my alone time sometimes.

Besides, I wouldn't want to miss my Friday night and Saturday morning meetings here, and I tried to find ones I could go to in East Point instead, but I'd rather just stay in my comfort zone this weekend, chaotic as it is.

More later. The shower calls. (Boots is helping Mommy blog. Will share photos I just took 2nite - can't find USB cable right now - he's probably lying on it!)

The Truth Hurts

2010-08-11T16:51:00.004-05:00

Funny...

I think of myself still looking so young and cute...

...until I see an actual photo of myself, and then have to face the reality of the Onward, Relentless March of Time (and photoaging!).

I still feel so young, both in body and attitude.

I’m definitely still young at heart!

*Sigh*

It hardly seems fair.

Just when I’ve started to get it together...

...I’ve no longer got it goin’ on!

(And what the hell is up with those white legs??? Somebody get out the bronzer, QUICK!!)

Damn.

I knew I should have quit smoking sooner!

Pathway to Peace

2010-08-10T08:40:00.000-05:00

Did you know the Serenity Prayer we pray in every meeting has a lot more than the 3 lines we usually pray? I didn't know, until I became involved in Celebrate Recovery, where we pray the prayer in its entirety.

It goes on from those 3 familiar lines to say:

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace...

Since I quit smoking 3 1/2 weeks ago, I haven't had a way to burn off the energy from stress, frustration and disappointment.

Yes, I've been blogging more, and in the beginning, I journaled a lot more as well.

But, this is just a means of emotional release. An opportunity to acknowledge and confront the real problems and issues and work through them instead of just going and grabbing a cigarette and isolating myself on the porch while I puff away whatever emotional upheaval results.

But, because I'm not physically doing something, that negative emotional energy, or the residue of it has still been there.

So, last week, I decided it was time to give running a try again, something that has worked for me well in the past, and an activity I've been missing for a long time now.

Yesterday, I ran 3.13 miles.

This is my physical release, my time for clearing my mind, focusing on my breathing and my pace. My physical Pathway to Peace.

Thy Will (Not Mine)

2010-08-06T13:43:00.001-05:00

By this past Tuesday, when Roy had still heard nothing from the people with whom he interviewed for the Mississippi boy, he finally emailed the person who coordinated everything.

He received a response Wednesday stating they definitely want to hire him and are planning to make an offer.

Then came the salary expectation inquiry.

They are prepared to offer a figure much lower than Roy was expecting, although it was right in line with what I expected it to be. Roy is having difficulty understanding and accepting that changing career directions, being in grad school for the past 7 years, and being a missionary for the 7 years prior to that means that he is now considered an entry level position candidate, with the corresponding pay scale.

This particular position is NOT entry level. The position actually is perfect for his level of knowledge and experience and is in the field he has prepared for over the past 4 years. The ONLY thing wrong with it is the salary, which is based on the level of funding available, rather than someone's belief that he deserves no more than entry level compensation.

He has taken the low offer very personally,though, interpreting it as a personal affront and insult. I read the entire email discussion, and it seems to me that they were trying to be fair and reasonable, and to offer him the highest salary they could given the constraints of funding approval, a current hiring and pay-increase freeze, etc., etc.

I suggested he hold off until the next morning before responding. I pointed out to Roy that, although I completely understood how demoralizing the low offer was, that it was not meant as a personal insult to him. I encouraged him to take the time he needed, but to try to separate his emotions from the business transaction, which is what this is.

He was able to compose a new response. It was succinct and professional, stating his position, while leaving the door open. Shortly after sending it, he received a reply stating that they would try to negotiate a somewhat higher figure before making a formal offer.

The proposed higher figure is still not the salary Roy would like and is not even close to his expectations of the general job market. But it's realistic, it's doable for us, especially once I find a job and begin working as well.

And, except for the salary, it's his dream job, the goal for which he's been preparing so long and toward which he's worked so diligently.

So again, we're waiting for the next step, for them to actually make Roy a firm offer. All we can do at this is point is to wait, hope and pray.

My prayer is that Roy will be offered the position at the slightly higher pay level, that he will accept the position, and that we'll shortly be moving to Mississippi. As long as that is God's will for us.

I am also praying for God's will to be made clear to us, and if that means none of this comes to fruition, that I can accept the outcome graciously, trustingly, and with the sure expectation that God has something even better planned for us, and that His purpose for us will be revealed.

Kind of an exciting place to be.

Thy will be done.

Week Three and Smoke Free

2010-08-05T07:33:00.003-05:00

It's hard to believe it's now 3 weeks since I've smoked, or will be by about 1:45 this afternoon.

In some ways, the time now lapsed seems interminably longer, and in some ways, incomprehensibly shorter.

I am STILL having cravings from time to time, some days more frequently than others. I KNOW it's not really a physical urge anymore -- wasn't after 3 days, so I'm told -- but it damn sure FEELS physical when it's happening, and on the "bad" days, all I can do is grit my teeth and white knuckle my way through it nanosecond by nanosecond.

Hmmmm... Sounds familiar to us alcoholics, doesn't it? One day at a time, indeed.

I have SOOOO much more I want to share with all my faithful non-readers, but am going to keep this post short, as it is now 8:15 AM and already getting hot, Hot, HOT and I want to try going for a short run.

So, toodles for now -- more later! (I know y'all can't wait!!)

P.S. Mary Christine, summer may be on it's way out in Denver, but it's just crankin' up here in Hollywood, FL!

P.P.S My husband, The Engineer, whom I had to ask if nanosecond was one word, just informed me that a nanosecond is one-billionth of a second, to which I replied, "Well, then it's DEFINITELY the right word!"

Stealing a Moment

2010-08-04T13:59:00.001-05:00

So, I am totally writing this while at work. I’m having to do it first in MS Word, at the bottom of a document we update daily, hoping that I won’t be caught by my bosses.

I feel a little guilty, but probably not guilty enough. Yeah, it’s wasting their time, i.e., their money so to speak; but on the other side of things, how many countless hours have I put in after hours and never asked for, nor expected compensation?

OK -- so I DO feel guilty.

However, we are very slow at the moment, and now that I'm only working 2 days a week (on the other Admin’s days off) about the only things I can do right now are to 1) follow up on a few items, which I WILL do, or 2) filing, which I am LOATH to do.

I'm glad to be at work now that I'm here. Gets me out of the house, and able to focus on something other than eating and obsessing about my weight.

Speaking of which, number on the scale was 2 pounds higher this morning than it was yesterday!!

And I ate hardly ANYTHING yesterday.

It’s hard not to get discouraged, but I really don’t want to give up the progress I’ve made with this effort to quit smoking, and I really do need to stay on the Hormone Replacement Therapy, which I just started this month.

At the end of this first month, my gynecologist is going to have me reduce my estrogen to half the dosage she now has me on. It’s delivered transdermally, via a gel I apply nightly, so the plan is for me to apply it only every other night after the first month is over.

I am also taking a progesterone supplement, but will only do that for the first 12 days of each month. I suspect that the sudden rapid weight gain over the last few days has something to do with having begun the latter this past Monday evening (I forgot to fill the prescription Sunday). If it is, toward the middle of the month, I should get rid of any excess fluid it's causing me to retain.

Of course, it may not BE just fluid retention.

So, I’m also going to start monitoring what I eat, and try to start eating more healthily.

And I also want to begin exercising some.

I know I need to start out slowly.

Little goals. Baby steps. Little by Little. Easy Does It.

Hard for an alcoholic to do.

Recovering or otherwise.

2:43 AM and Wide Awake

2010-08-04T01:43:00.002-05:00

I slept until 1:30 PM today, so I guess it should be no surprise I'm still wide awake. And it wouldn't bother me, except I have to get up and go to work tomorrow -- or rather THIS morning.

I am SO not looking forward to work either. I hate going in now. Somehow, it's much harder now that I'm only working 2 days a week. Once I get there, it will be fine. I'll just have to keep drinking coffee and Red Bull and eating protein.

Which will be good for my weight, at least.

I've gotten SOOOO fat. I haven't really gained that much weight, but it's the TYPE of weight, and where it's going, and the fact that I'm so lethargic and getting absoulutely NO exercise that makes it so bad.. I've really only gained between 2 to 3 pounds, but because I'm so short and small boned, and because it's flab added on top of flab, it looks and feels like 10 pounds.

And not just to me. I went in to Ann Taylor on Saturday to return some items, and tried on a couple of things, and Thelma, my sales person, said in as nice a way as possible that nothing seemed to be fitting me as it normally did. What she DIDN'T say was that it was because my gut has gotten so big.

I don't know if it's JUST that I'm eating so much more and the wrong kinds of food, or if the HRT is contributing to the weight gain, or it could be that the HRT is contributing to my constant hunger and cravings for sweets and starches, or if it's quitting smoking that's causing me to want to eat all the time, or WHAT. I tried cutting down on my Chantix because I know it bloats me and makes me constipated, but now I'm craving cigarettes again, so I've had to step up the dosage on it again.

All I know is I'm fat, I'm anxious, I want a cigarette, and I'm WIDE AWAKE.

Wide awake and exhausted.

I've GOT to start running. I know it will make me feel better emotionally, it will give me more energy, and will inspire me to start eating right as well. And it will help me to SLEEP.

And I'm still depressed. Not as bad, but it's still definitely here, no doubt contributing to the mindless eating, making me want to smoke, making me wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up, etc., etc.

I am NOT suicidal. I just hate my life and am too damn lazy to do what I know needs to be done for it to change.

I haven't seen my therapist in 3 weeks. Haven't been to a meeting in months. Haven't gone to Celebrate Recovery in probably 3 weeks.

I am in relapse mode and so close to picking up a drink, and yet I'm oblivious to that fact. I don't FEEL as if I want to drink, but when I analyze my behavior, my emotions, and my mindset, I KNOW that picking up a drink or a pill if I could get my hands on one is logically and inevitably the next step.

Tomorrow is Wednesday. If I leave work on time, I can go to my women's meeting.

I have to. I have to start somewhere.

And I have to do it now, today.

Waiting...

2010-07-30T11:50:00.003-05:00

Roy and I are waiting to hear from a team of engineers and Ole Miss professors with whom we met for extensive interviews, tours, etc. last weekend. They asked us both to fly up, even though he was the job candidate, and payed for all our expenses, took us out to eat, and encouraged us to look at housing options.

It seemed to go very well. We flew back Sunday night.

And now we are waiting.

Just waiting.

And waiting.

My question: Why the hell would they do all that if they weren't seriously going to hire him???

This waiting crap is BS.

If they are NOT going to hire him or offer him the position, just SAY SO and let us move on.

If they are waiting for funding approval or have some reservations or some reason for hesitating, at least let us know he's still in the running or not and what the status IS!!

I'm an alcoholic. I'm not good at patience, trust, waiting, acceptance and faith. Not yet.

I AM good at dealing with the truth and working through the known pain and moving forward.

Just give me SOMEthing to work with.

And please, please, PLEASE, God, let Roy get the job.

15 Days, No Cigs

2010-07-29T11:52:00.039-05:00

I'm still a little down, but better. I haven't smoked since July 15th (2 weeks today - yay me!). I'm still hit by an intense craving and longing from time to time, but I'm dealing with it.

I'm trying to approach quitting smoking like what it is - another aspect of my ongong Recovery, so when a craving strikes, I try to figure out what's really going on: Is what I'm experiencing actually a physical need for nicotine, or is it an emotional response that's triggering the desire to smoke? Is the response more of an habitual reaction correlated to the time of day, the activity in which I'm currently involved or have just completed? Etc., etc., ad nauseum. Once I've identified the source of the trigger, I remind myself that the physical craving will pass within 3 minutes, and then I try to focus on how bad I used to smell, how bad for my health and skin smoking is, how I used to burn my clothes, my car's seats and carpet, etc. Finally, I tell myself it's JUST NOT AN OPTION, that I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

Works like a charm.

What I'm NOT dealing so well with is not having some alternative way to release the negative energy and stress, which is probably a contributing factor with the depression. Duh. (Should have had a plan for that BEFORE I decided to quit!)

And I've gained 2 pounds. I'm eating emotionally and eating the wrong things. I crave sweets and salty stuff, often in combination.

Roy was incredulous this weekend at how much I ate. At one point, he asked me, "Are you STILL hungry???" To which I replied, "I'm ALWAYS hungry. I just used to smoke instead of eat."

I'm not going to worry about or deal with the weight gain right now. As long as it's no more than 6 pounds, I'll be able to get it back off within a month when I AM ready to deal with it.

And it's not like I'm fat, or that I have to worry about being unattractive to Roy. He's not attracted to me NOW, and I'm damn HOT!

On a (slightly) different topic, I'm incoporating the few posts I haven't yet from my smoking cessation blog into this one, and just have the one blog dealing with both issues. Since quitting smoking is just the next step (for me) in my Recovery, it makes more sense to have one blog, rather than 2 blogs dealing with similar issues, or 2 aspects of the same issue.

Or whatever. Too much time, too much energy, too much waste.

Not like anybody's reading either blog anyway these days.

*Sigh*

Poor me, poor me . . .

Pour me a super-size double-chocolate fudge peanut butter milkshake with whipped cream and a cherry on top!

Down Time

2010-07-27T11:00:00.008-05:00

I hate being depressed.

It's nothing new. I know it will pass.

It's just that right now - while in the midst of the depression - I am overwhelmed by the sadness, the loneliness, the sense of apathy and hopelessness, and by the fatigue and exhaustion.

I want to smoke.

I want to sleep.

I want to just stop.

To stop feeling this.

To stop feeling at all.

To stop being.

I just want it to end.

No Pain, No Gain

2010-07-19T13:23:00.002-05:00

I have not smoked since 1:47 PM on Thursday, July 15th.

I'm depressed. Not sure if it's the Chantix, the HRT, circumstances, or what. Could be a combination of all three or two of the above, or something else entirely.

Like being rejected by my husband and feeling like my greatest fears have been realized.

Been sober for 3+ years. Now, smoke-free and taking hormones to correct the vaginal atrophy problem.

Good weight. Cute, still, if not pretty. Need to tone up, but that will be next on my list.

The bottom line is, he just doesn't seem to want me.

Before, I could blame it on my drinking and the fact that I was overweight. Then, after treatment for alcoholism, the whole anger/resentment issue, and his distrust of me and my continued sobriety, plus the fact that I had started smoking.

Then, the couple of times I quit for a few weeks, and we did try to have sex, the pain from the vaginal atrophy, which grew worse each time, and caused me to fear penetration and intercourse, exacerbating the situation.

So, in the past 2 or three years, we've had sex, or attempted to have it, less than 10 times.

It's not the sex I miss. It's the feeling that he finds me desireable, that he wants me, and the flirting, cuddling and snuggling that are all part of a close physical relationship, and contribute to the building of emotional intimacy.

I miss feeling like I have a real marriage, a husband instead of a person I share a bedroom and house with.

I feel, at times, as if the only reason we stay married is that neither one of us wants to go through the work and turmoil of a divorce, that we don't want to disappoint our families, and that we don't want the stigma attached to being divorced, especially in our church circles.

I'm realizing that if we do end up moving out of state soon, this loneliness will be multiplied, the mild depression I'm experiencing right now will deepen, and that I will either become non-functional, or bitter, resentful, and seething with barely suppressed rage which will bubble up in sarcasm and nasty remarks muttered under my breath.

I will want it to END. I will either become suicidal, look for an escape with another partner (fantasy/magical thinking) and have another affair, or I will start drinking, overeating, taking pills, or doing something else to destroy myself and numb the pain of being alone and lonely in my marriage.

I can't change my husband, and I'm not sure he wants to change, or sees a need to change. This current state of affairs works for him on many levels. He has a live-in maid to do his laundry and clean up after him, to go grocery shopping, and until recently, a bread-winner to provide enough income to at least cover our rent and utilities.

I am working hard to change myself, to mold myself into what he wants, even though I may have some reservations, because I know I can't be everything to him, or be perfect, that I'll always have faults. But I refuse to do this at the expense of losing myself again.

If, after some time has passed, he doesn't begin to respond to me, I will do what I need to do in order to retain my sense of self, my self-confidence, my serenity, and my sobriety. If he doesn't want a real marriage, a true relationship between husband and wife, I will separate myself physically from him, and get on with my life.

And I won't be alone.

Because, I'll take the cat.

3 Days Before Quit Day

2010-07-13T11:32:00.002-05:00

I've got 3 days left to smoke. Thank goodness, I am enjoying it less and less, smoking less frequently, and have definitely cut down. I smoked 6 cigarettes yesterday, even though I wasn't consciously limiting myself. I'm also beginning to smoke less of each cigarette, throwing it out about 3/4 of the way through.

I was disappointed in myself for "caving" and buying more cigarettes, but if I am following the Chantix plan, I was trying to stop too soon. Sabotaging myself.

I went to get my annual mammogram done this morning, along with an ultrasound due to calcifications and a resulting biopsy they had performed last year. I got the results right away, and the news is all good. Nothing alarming, no further tests/biopsies etc. needed, which means I can go back to the girlie doctor (O.K., we're all grownups - the GYNECOLOGIST) and get started on HRT so that I can start enjoying and having sex again.

Yes, folks, this is a Quit Smoking Blog (at the moment, anyway) and I am talking (or writing) about female problems, specifically gynecological/menopausal difficulties.

Because, this has been a huge issue in my Recovery.

Part of my motivation to quit smoking is that my husband absolutely cannot STAND the way smoking makes my breath, hair and skin smell. If we're going to be physically intimate again, I have to quit smoking if I want to desirable to him, and I do want that.

For a long time, I didn't know if I did.

The resentment and anger I felt toward him -- that I thought I had completely dealt with, worked out, and was now in the past -- was actually still there, buried deep inside, and the way I expressed it was in choosing not to do anything to confront and deal with my physical problems that were making intimacy impossible.

So, now, I'm ready to move on, to really, truly forgive, and to accept forgiveness.

And I want not only physical intimacy, but the emotional and spiritual intimacy that seem to grow as a result.

I seriously could go without having sex the rest of my life, and it wouldn't bother me.

At all.

But, I know for him, it's not the same, that he doesn't feel that way. And by selfishly choosing to withhold what he desires, to not do what I need to do in order to make intimacy possible, I am rejecting him and making him feel unloved and unappreciated.

And that's not what I want for my marriage.

I expect so much of him, yet I've been unwilling to give. It has to be a 2-way street.

I can't change him, but I CAN change those things about me that make loving me more difficult. And that's where it has to start.

With me.

Now.

My Last Addiction

2010-07-12T13:38:00.008-05:00

NOTE: This is the first post in a new blog I started, My Last Addiction... I thought it appropriate to share here as well, since it is an aspect of my ongoing journey through Recovery.

Notice the title of this blog.

It's not "My Final Addiction," although that name was also available.

Because -- whatever addiction I'm working on to overcome, to conquer, to give to my Higher Power, to end its hold on me, its shaping of my existence -- experience has taught me that I am a True Addict. A new, or a long-dormant addiction is ready to rear it's ugly head and take the place of whatever current addiction I'm confronting and over which I'm seeking victory.

I picked up smoking cigarettes while in treatment for alcoholism.

Not right away. I chose to stay for a second 28 days, Phase 2 they called it, in which we would explore core issues, confront them, and begin working on them.

I had no idea (well, maybe SOME idea) of what I was in for, and it was BRUTAL. In a cathartic way, it was good and served as an impetus for true healing to begin.

But it was emotionally intense to a degree I had seldom experienced. That I had, in fact, learned to avoid through my use and abuse of alcohol.

So, when the emotions grew too strong, too devastating -- when I had expended more tears that I thought I was capable of producing, when I was utterly physically and emotionally exhausted, and believed I literally could not take dealing with another feeling, another forgotten hurt revealed -- I began smoking again.

I've been smoking (with a few short breaks interspersed) ever since -- for 3 years and a month now. I haven't picked up a drink in over 3 years and 3 months, but I am still ruled by my addictive nature.

My addiction is still strong, just manifested in a new form. It's still a way to escape, a crutch, and it's a block to my full Recovery.

It has to be dealt with -- the remaining unexplored core issues and hurts revealed and confronted -- and I am TRYING to deal with it.

Bravely.

Honestly.

Unreservedly.

Only right now, I have to go buy a pack of cigarettes.

A Day of Promise

2010-04-20T11:41:00.013-05:00

I awoke at 9:30 AM this morning, ready to get up and greet the day. It was an especially beautiful morning, too. Full of birdsong, cool dry breezes, and huge yellow butterflies dancing among the trees and grass, putting on a private spectacle purely for my wonder and enjoyment.

I texted loving messages of encouragement to a few recovery friends, and emailed my therapist. Discovering a box of unopened Krusteaz in the pantry, and real maple syrup in the 'fridge, I made Belgian Waffles for breakfast, truly a rare and decadent treat.

My joy and contentment welled up within me and overflowed. I had a song in my heart which could not be contained, and must burst forth from my lips.

The day lay before me, full of the expectation of undiscovered joy, brimming with the promise that whatever came my way would be a gift, an opportunity to grow, to explore and revel.

Truly, a day in which I was happy merely to be alive and active in the world, with God leading the way before me.

And then...

With a few simple words, the hope and joy in my spirit, the promise of the day were crushed.

The words were innocent, merely a question, in the form of a statement: "You haven't taken back the things to Ann Taylor that were charged on Discover yet, have you?"

Just a statement. A simple status update request.

But a statement which felt like an accusation.

Why did he have to ruin my day?

Wait. Did he?

Why did I suddenly feel accused, hurt, angry and resentful?

I realized the Accuser was, is myself.

Because I feel guilty and responsible for our current financial distress, and I know in my heart that my actions -- my trying to fill a need that only God can fill by my constant acquisition of material things -- have resulted in creating this wall, this barrier to the contentment, the emotional intimacy, the honesty, and the bliss that my soul yearns for in my relationship with my husband.

I cannot fix this in an instant.

I have let my procrastination -- my dread of facing the seemingly monumental task of going through the receipts and and matching them up by item numbers to the specific articles I need to return, my reluctance of letting go of these things that somehow magically are supposed to make me whole and complete -- create this wall, brick by brick, building it higher, thicker and increasingly more impenetrable.

I have done this. I am at fault. I am responsible for the discord, the disappointment, the lack of affection and harmony which now characterizes our relationship.

So, I will do The Next Right Thing.

I will finish cleaning up the kitchen. I will shower, put on makeup, fix my hair and dress. I will go through those damn receipts and match them up, item by item. I will take back everything I have not yet worn, with very few exceptions.

And, in doing so, I will experience relief, release and peace.

The relief and release will be temporary. This action will be but a drop in the bucket toward relieving or at least lessening the deluge of our financial worries.

But, it will be a step in the right direction. And a journey begins with a single step. And in taking action and moving forward comes lasting Peace.

Meanwhile, the birds are still singing, the breezes still wafting, the huge Yellow Sulfurs still dancing, flitting, and playing among the trees and grass.

The day stretches before me, once again full of promise, hope and joy.

And I now have a plan to move forward into it intentionally and purposefully, with my God going before me and showing me the way.

I have only to follow.

photo credit: stock.xchng/edward whb

Three Year Medallion

2010-04-12T23:00:00.002-05:00

I went to Celebrate Recovery tonight, and had not even thought about being able to pick up my 3 year medallion. What a nice surprise! There's something about being given that little piece of brass that makes it more tangible, more real. I really have done this, remained sober, and mostly grown and matured for 3 whole years now. It's okay to still have doubts and fears, but to recognize them and face and walk through them is the key to longtime survival and continued growth. I am at a scary, tenuous place right now, getting ready to quit my job at the end of this week without having anything else lined up or even sketched out, but I am at peace because I know I made this decision in accordance with my Higher Power's will and direction. I am also at a very exciting, challenging place. I am stepping into the unknown, but I know Someone is there to catch me should I fall, Someone who is walking beside me, and lighting the way before me. I am not alone.

Happy (Almost!) Birthday to Me

2010-04-10T10:39:00.005-05:00

Tomorrow I'll be 3. Yep, folks, hard to believe I know. Tomorrow it will be 3 full years of one day at a time without a drink. Actually, I get confused about the whole birthday / anniversary thing. Is it supposed to be the anniversary of the day you had your last drink, or the anniversary of the day you had no alcohol continuously, beginning with that day? I'll feel pretty stupid if I've told everyone and thought this whole time that the day was the 11th and it's actually the 10th. I'd be ever so grateful if someone can please clear up this little mystery for me!

Anyway, I'm at work now and really can't get away with much time posting on my blog, although I frankly don't give too much of a hoot, as I put in my notice in 2 weeks ago, and am just staying on a couple of days a week due to some unexpected family emergencies in my employer's family. Definitely have some short-timer's attitude going on there! I don't know what I'm going to do yet, have not even started looking for another job. I just know that staying at this job was beginning to seriously threaten my sobriety, and I need to leave and trust that my Higher Power is guiding me and will lead me in the direction I need to go.

More later, hopefully!

Still Here . . . Still Sober!

2009-07-09T12:11:00.003-05:00

Seems like I never have time to blog any more. I don't really have time now. I'm stealing a few minutes while at work 'cuz I just need to let y'all know I'm still alive and kickin'!

Recently, I've gotten very involved in Celebrate Recovery, a movement which began in a mega-church out in California. It's really good, and I'm on the ministry team, facilitating the women's small group. It's a chance to serve and to give back what I've so freely been given.

But, it's not AA, and it's not enough for me and my life in recovery. That's according to me, my therapist, and my sponsor. I definitely need a balance. I need worship, prayer and fellowship with others who believe as I do, and I'm so grateful that the Church as a whole has finally seen the need to offer hope to those struggling with addiction to alcohol and other substances and behaviors.

But, I also need the fellowship, accountability and encouragement that only those who have lurched and stumbled along the same path can give. If faith alone were enough to keep me sober, I wouldn't have struggled so long with my inability to overcome my addiction. Those who are not alcoholics and addicts cannot fully understand why we are the way we are. I have to be around other alcoholics on a consistent and frequent basis to maintain and grow in my sobriety.

I'm glad I don't have to choose between the two, that they are not at odds. I am so thankful that the rooms of AA provided a safe haven in which I found true friends, and that those friends were instrumental in my seeking help at a treatment center, where paradoxically, I found the faith I had thought I'd lost forever.

God works in mysterious way His wonders to perform.

For me, the secret is staying in the center of what works for me, the center of His will. I don't do it consistently or perfectly, but I am endeavoring for a consistent, constant awareness of His presence in me, that I might experience His peace and hope, and be able to share that with other alcoholics.

It's a process, not an event; a journey, not a destination. I pray for endurance and stamina, that I may finish well.

Today

2009-04-29T08:22:00.004-05:00

Today, my life is sane.

Today, I take responsibility for my actions and decisions, and their resulting consequences.

Today, I take responsibility for my part in my relationships because friends and loved ones matter and are important to me.

Today, I take responsibility for myself, because I am no longer content in the victim role.

Today, I take responsibility for my health, including getting multiple mammograms, a bilateral ultrasound and an extremely painful biopsy last week.

Today I have peace knowing I'm doing what I need to do to take care of my body which I abused for so long, and I have been blessed to learn that the results of the biopsy are negative!

Today, I thank my Higher Power for propmpting me to take the action I needed to take, and most of all, for walking alongside me as I walked through my fear, and providing love and support from family and other loved ones.

Today, I am not alone.

We Will Not Regret The Past . . .

2009-04-02T12:45:00.004-05:00

. . .but, I thank God that waking up with a throbbing head, severe nausea, a raging thirst and absolutely no knowledge of where I was or how I'd gotten there are part of my PAST, and with His grace, not part of my future.

I turn 2 on the 10th! Doesn't seem possible, does it? :D

Thank God It's Tuesday!

2009-03-31T10:57:00.004-05:00

It's Tuesday, the first day of my "weekend." I can finally take a deep breath, laze around, and spend some time catching up on my blogroll. Seeing Scott W's gratitude list today reminds me how much I DO have to be grateful for, and also how much listing those things helps to turn my negativity into positivity, which then can lead to purposeful action.

It's Tuesday, and I'm Thankful and Grateful . . .

For the Celebrate Recovery meeting last night, and the women in my small group who understood my pain and prayed for me
For Scott W's post today
For this community of recovery
For an opportunity this coming month to lead the Wednesday night women's step meeting
For the ability to see today that I have options and choices
For the extradorninary light outside today, making everything sharp, vibrant and new
For two days away from my job and the chance to see it from a more objective perspective
For my friends, family and all others who are with me in this continuing journey
For moments of joy, even rapture, especially on days when life sucks
For the certainty that when I come home in the evening, I have a soft place to fall

I Hate My Job...But, It's Still A Job

2009-03-29T19:19:00.002-05:00

I feel so blue right now. Thank goodness tomorrow is my "Friday," my last day of work before my 2 consecutive days off.

It must be me. If it's not me, then why do I keep ending up with bosses who seem to excel in the art of beating me down and making me feel stupid and incompetent? Maybe it's just the nature of the southeast Florida real estate broker.

Or, maybe it really is me. Maybe I am just stupid and incompetent. I know I can't multi-task (a skill that, quite frankly, is overrated, if you ask me). I need to concentrate on one thing and complete it, rather than being scattered by umpteen different things to focus on at one time.

But apparently, being unable to multi-task is just one of my many failings.

I'm also slow.

I prefer to think of it as being careful and methodical, but if indeed I were careful and methodical, I probably would not keep making so many careless mistakes.

I really need to rewrite my resume, and take out all the things I've put on it that that turn out just not to be true.

Take out ability to multi-task and exceptional attention to detail and accuracy. Scratch organizational skills and efficiency. And time-management skills? Who am I kidding??!!

Maybe myself, but no one else, and especially not my bosses.

So, I can sit here and feel sorry for myself and fish for sympathy, or I can look at my part, my defects of character, my poor habits, and I can start to examine myself honestly and figure out what I need to do to change these things that are detrimental to my job performance.

Because I do have a choice.

Maybe not in the way others think of me or view me, but in how I view myself and think of myself.

If I allow myself to stay stuck in my misery and feel like a victim, then nothing is going to change, and my sobriety will be threatened. If, instead, I keep turning this over to my Higher Power, asking for wisdom and direction in knowing how to change what needs changing, and then act on that, I will move forward.

Where forward is, I'm not sure. But, I know it's better than here.

How Time Flies!

2009-03-22T10:08:00.003-05:00

I would say I cannot believe how long it's been since I posted, but I am well aware. I just never seem to have a good chunk of time to devote to blogging any more.

Just by way of update, for the faithful few who check back from time to time, I am coming up on my 2 year anniversary next month! Now, THAT seems unbelievable! I continue to do about 3 to 4 meetings a week, including a Celebrate Recovery program I've become involved in at our church. We're actually still in the leadership training phase, so I'm learning by doing, and feel extremely blessed to be a part of something I feel has been missing from the church for far too long.

I remember all too well the shame, despair, condemnation (real or imagined) and hopelessness I felt as a woman active in ministry who struggled with alcoholism. I felt like a hypocrite, and the end result was that I abandoned my faith in God, and it wasn't until I finally made it into the rooms of AA and then into treatment that I realized that He had not abandoned me, that in fact, it was the other way around.

If I can help one person in a similar situation, before they abandon hope completely, it will be well worth everything I went through to be at the place in my recovery and spirituality I am today.

Not that I'm any spiritual giant, mind you. I know I could slip and fall as easily as the next person, so I certainly don't want to be on any pedestal. I think the major difference today is that I know it's okay NOT to be some super saint to be of help to others, that it's really better for me to be real and honest and to admit my failings, missteps and character defects. If I'm real, complete with all my faults, it's much easier for someone who is struggling to relate to me and open up.

Today, that's my prayer. That for today, I will seek guidance from my Higher Power, that I will be honest and compassionate toward myself first, and being flawed but forgiven and pressing forward, I will be honest and compassionate toward others, and that I will see them through His eyes -- that I'll see some essence of God in everyone I meet, no matter how small.

We can't keep what we have if we don't give it away. I'm so grateful for the opportunities my HP is giving me to do that.

Open Windows

2008-11-10T07:14:00.003-06:00

Just a super-quick update, because I've got to start getting ready for work.

I was only out of work for 2 weeks -- amazing in this economy! What's more amazing to me is that I didn't grow despondent. Of course, I went through some short bouts of depression and the "I suck, nobody will ever hire me" phase, but I was able to keep praying, keep talking, and keep actively seeking and following up on leads.

Long story short: I have a NEW JOB!!!! at another real estate company which specializes in luxury condominiums and estate homes, I'm making much more and get paid by salary, not hourly (although they pay extra if I work overtime!), and I'm learning TONS! It's in a beautiful location, right on the beach, so I can take a break and watch people surf, or roll up my pants legs and walk in the surf, if I want.

The only downsides are that I got the job partly because they had to fire the woman who normally would have trained me, and they had to hire a second assistant who is equally as green, if not more so, so we're the blind leading the blind, in a situation where we can't afford the luxury of not being up to speed. But, I feel as if things are starting to click, and I'm getting a handle on what my responsibilities are, and what I need to do to be a true asset to my employers.

God is indeed faithful! Thank goodness, too, that through my program of recovery, I am learning to deal with things as they come, and to rest in the knowledge that I never have to face anything alone, and that there is something to be learned when trials come. Staying open and trusting that things were in the hands of my HP, as long as I wasn't just sitting on my butt, were key to the peace of mind I had for those 2 weeks of joblessness.

I know 2 weeks isn't anything. I'm incredibly blessed to have gotten a job so quickly -- moreover, one that is better than the one I had -- and I am filled with amazement and gratitude.

Life on Life's Terms

2008-09-23T17:35:00.004-05:00

Wow... Talk about getting hit hard from out of the blue. I definitely am not feeling the full impact yet. I feel numb, and that's fine for now.

This afternoon, my 2 bosses called me into their office at about ten after 5:00 to tell me they had come to a decision to let me go. "Nothing personal... we're so happy with you and your work... you're a kind, caring person..." and so on. They say they're $60 grand in the hole with payrolls right now, and since the market has taken such a nosedive, they've had to look for ways to cut expenditures, and my job is the most expendable.

I know what they're saying is true. I work in a real estate business, and we're definitely being hit by the economy and the housing market in general. But part of me can't help but wonder, What if I'd just worked harder and been more positive and willing to do anything they asked with nary a complaint? What if I had just logged my 40 hours I was hired to do and never put in all the overtime necessary to actually do my job and do it well? What if I hadn't had to occasionally take time off to go to therapy during the week? Maybe I do bear some responsibility in their choosing my job as the one to cut.

But then, one of my bosses called as soon as I got home to make sure I was okay, and to offer a tangible lead and her personal help in finding another position for me. And, they both hugged me and cried before I left today, too, and asked me if they could help in any well, saying they'd write letters of recommendation, or whatever I needed. So maybe it's not me.

My first thought -- and I'm so grateful for this! -- was "When God closes a door, He opens a window." I kept repeating it to myself over and over, like a mantra. I did think about drinking, but only for a moment, and the thought immediately launched the "play it through" scenario.

Of course, that's still where my alcoholic mind wants to take me when faced with a crisis, or any situation in which I feel off balance or uncomfortable or just downright scared to death: the thought that a drink will help. But it stops there, usually, and I almost automatically start playing the thought through to its consequences and realize how ludicrous it is.

How cool, though, that it wasn't my first thought, or even my second, that instead, I began silently and consciously communicating with my Higher Power! What a gift it is to realize that He is with me and will see me through this. Even though mine is the only income coming in to our household right now, and even though we are at our lowest point financially in years, I really do know that with the help of my Higher Power, I will walk through this, and come out safely on the other side, and who knows what opportunities may be in store for me?

So, I'm still a little in shock, a little sad, and a little scared, but my overwhelming sense right now is that I'm right where I'm supposed to be, and I'm eager to see what God has planned.

I just hope this attitude lasts! I'll keep you keep you posted, but right now, I need to get to a meeting.

Commitment

2008-09-09T05:53:00.003-05:00

Tonight, I'm speaking at a small meeting I attended for the first time last week. I'm really not nerovus... yet!! I'm really looking forward to the opportunity to share my experience, strength and hope, to tell how it was, what happened, and what it's like now. I am very grateful to be almost a year and a half sober and recovering, and I need to tell my story, not only in the hope that it helps another alcoholic, but to keep me focused on my journey in recovery as well.

Besides, it will be good practice, because I'm sharing at another meeting this coming Saturday evening. When it rains, it pours, and I'm being deluged with blessings.

It hasn't been easy, particularly these last 8 to 9 months. I started working in January, and quickly became obsessed with work. Yes, I am an addict in all respects, and now that drinking is not an option, my addictive behavior and attitude still strives to prevail and take over, to take the control back from my Higher Power. Because, after all, I run my life so much better than my HP possibly can, right?

This addictive controlling nature is what will take me out if I let anything come between me and my Higher Power, if I let something else become my Higher Power. I become, irritable, restless and discontent, and quickly fall into my "victim" role, wondering why everyone is against me and why my life sucks, and why God has deserted me, and WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME???!!!!

The only thing that has happened is me. I've gotten in the way again. I've become disconnected from my Higher Power because I'm not making any effort to connect. My recovery and continued sobriety is but a daily reprieve, contingent upon my spiritual condition, and if I'm not pursuing my recovery, my relationship with my Higher Power, my relationships with others, and if I'm not using the tools I have learned to use in this program, I WILL fail. And, eventually, for me, that failure will result in drinking again.

This program works, but only if I work it. If I forget that, I will relapse, and the relapse is the shift in my thinking, attitudes, behaviors, and eventually, my beliefs. Picking up a drink is merely the final plunge off the cliff.

Telling my story, whether to a group or to a woman crying to me on the phone or after a meeting keeps ME sober. It is a powerful part of my recovery because it reminds me of where my drinking took me, it's consequences and impact on myself and those I love, and how amazing the life I have now is.

I don't want to lose what God and AA have so freely given me, and the only way to keep it is to give it away to other alcoholics.

Still Here . . . And Still Sober!

2008-08-15T22:38:00.004-05:00

OMG, I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted or read any blogs on my blogroll. "So what's up with that?," you might be wondering. I know I'm wondering...

I think it basically has a lot to do with my job. My boss is a classic A-type personality. She's got tons of energy, and is constantly thinking up great new ways to increase and improve our marketing. The only problem is that it's up to the marketing specialist, AKA yours truly, to implement her ideas. One of her recent ideas was to create a blog and write a minimum of 3 posts a week. Then she decided she needed 4 blogs (so far), with 3 posts a week to each, which means I now have to do (well, theoretically anyway) a minimum of 18 posts a week (the posts are duplicated on 2 of the blogs, so it's ONLY 18, rather than 36 a week at this point), complete with images I have to edit and post to her image server, etc., etc.

The bottom line is I'm pretty much blogged out by the time I finish doing hers, and just have not been motivated to post anywhere else.

Actually, though, something she blogged about today and the comments it generated prompted me to blog tonight. Because I don't want to share the unfortunate experience others have had in being dooced, I will refrain from linking to her post, but the gist of it was her describing her involvement in volunteering for a center which helps single mother alcoholics by providing a safe haven for them to enter treatment, providing care for their children as well, and teaching them parenting and coping skills in addition to the standard rehab program.

One of the commenters said that she was tired of programs which treated those with substance abuse problems as though they were disabled, since addiction is a choice.

I SO wanted to comment, but couldn't because it's a site that only licensed professionals can access. I really take issue with the statement the commenter made, not only because her attitude was downright callous, but because addiction is NOT a choice, at least in my own humble opinion, as well as that of the AMA.

Don't get me wrong. Did I have a choice in taking that first drink? Of course I did. Did I have a choice in ignoring the fact that I'd obviously gone over the edge at some point and could no longer control my drinking? Of course I did. Did I have a choice in not seeking help when it became clear to me that I could not stop on my own? Of course I did. Did I have a choice when I stopped going to AA because I was "uncomfortable" (read: not ready to admit and accept I am an alcoholic) and continued to go on drinking binges? Of course I did.

Did I have a choice in receiving a gene which predisposes me toward addiction? NO, I DID NOT! Is it fair? No, but neither is cancer, congenital disease, senile dementia, and a host of other medical problems people face and deal with every day.

I was blessed enough to have the time, the financial resources, and the lack of family and employment obligations to be able to enter into an intensive inpatient treatment program for 4 1/2 months. Most people don't have that luxury. I don't think I would have gotten sober and entered recovery if I had not been able to pursue the particular course I took. I would still be drinking, or I would be dead by now. I didn't care if I died because I hated myself and I hated what my life had become, and most of all, I hated the thought of a future which seemed hopeless.

I cannot imagine the seemingly insurmountable and overwhelming odds a young mother with an addicition to drugs and/or alcohol faces when she finally hits bottom and gets that spark of desire to end the cycle of addiction and enter recovery. Thank God for a place which can offer her the resources to take care of herself and her family while she is beginning the journey to become the person that she wants to be, and that her family needs her to be.

I'm frustrated by this commenter's ignorance and lack of compassion, but it's not my problem. All I can do is pray for her and spread the word that help is available, no matter what your circumstances are. All you have to do is ask for help.

And sometimes that's the hardest thing to do.

A Happy Annivesary

2008-04-13T08:17:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was my one year anniversary. I meant to blog yesterday, but never thought about it when I wasn't busy doing something else.

Yesterday was a "normal" Saturday for me. I got up at 7:30 and had my coffee, cigarette and quiet time. I had an appointment at 9:00 a.m. to get my hair deep conditioned and cut, and when I got home a little after 11:00, I made a smoothie to take with me on my way up to West Palm Beach where I go to outpatient therapy almost every Saturday. My appointment was at 3:00, so I made an appointment at 1:30 to have my nails done, the first chance I've had in 3 weeks.

I was at the outpatient building of the treatment center where I went last May by 2:45, so I went into the bookstore and talked with H, a friend I met while in residential care, who is the boyfriend of one of my best friends, K, who was in treatment with me the whole 4 1/2 months I was there, both in residential care and in sober living. I had spoken to K only a little eariler, while at the nail salon, and we are both excited because this coming Thursday, we will be among the celebrants receiving their medallions at the center's monthly alumni celebration.

My therapy session was good, but emotionally draining, as my therapist pointed out that I have allowed work to become my first priority to the detriment of my relationships, my sobriety, and my spiritual life. She was right, of course, but the truth hit hard, and I was exhausted by the time I left.

I drove the hour's drive home and decided to lay down for an hour or so, and had just begun to drift off when my cell phone rang It was my sponsor, calling to wish me a "Happy Anniversay." I shared with her what I'd confronted with my therapist's insight and help, and the steps we'd outlined for me to take in the next few weeks to get myself back on track. Of course, my sponsor was in total agreement, saying she needed to hear that, too, as she is in nearly an identical place. We talked for about half an hour, and planned to get together for dinner Monday, before our women's meeting.

By this time, it was almost 7:00m so I spent time with my husband and kitty, put in a load of laundry, and fixed dinner. We watched some television together, and then it was time for bed.

This is a day in my normal" life, my life in sobriety and recovery. It's not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. I mess up. I still get angry, scared, hurt, lonely and tired. I still can form a resentment quite easily and blame others for my emotional state. I still get lazy and lose my focus in working my program. I still can find "good" excuses not to go to meetings or call my sponsor or help others. I still can be too busy or too down or too tired to connect with my Higher Power. I still can hurt others, especially those closest to me.

The difference is that now I can go through the ups and downs and be aware of the emotions I feel instead of numbing or ignoring them. When I mess up, I can admit it and take responsibility for my actions, and take steps to work on the root character defect(s). I can listen to someone confronting me with the truth without immediately going on the defensive, and I know when it's someone who loves and cares for me, that they are motiviated by that love and care.

My life isn't perfect. I'm not perfect. Only my Higher Power is perfect, and if I abide in Him, He has promised to abide in me, directing, guiding, comforting, consoling, and challenging me to become more and more conformed to His image, until the day I meet Him face to face, and then I will be perfect at last.

Just a Receptionist

2008-03-30T13:56:00.002-05:00

(I wrote this on March 9th, but never posted it here. I was going to start another blog about my new job, but don't know if that's something I want to commit to right now. Anyway, this is what I wrote, and I think it's very apropos to this blog!)

I’m just a receptionist. At age 51. Making $10 an hour.

And I love it! I love my job, I love my boss, and I love my life.

I couldn’t say that one year ago. A year ago, I was a rarely employed, unmotivated freelance web designer. I had no confidence in myself or my abilities and talents, and I certainly had no confidence that others would be able to see, acknowledge, and appreciate them.

A year ago, I wondered how many more years my life would go on with nothing to look forward to, nothing to get up in the morning for, nothing that brought me any joy.

Today, I remember feeling that way, and it both awes and scares me. Awes me because now I rarely have those moments of such deep despondence and despair that I would rather just not continue to live. I still get overwhelmed, but I think I’m learning to face what I fear and to what through it, not perfectly, but still coming out on the other side, knowing I’ve made it through. It does scare me though, because I know that if I again become unaware or nonchalant or negligent, I can get back there faster than I can imagine.

And I don’t want that.

I want this. This new life, this new chance, this beginning of a new journey. The saying goes that a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. That’s why I’m okay with a receptionist position and a receptionist pay level.

Because at least I’ve taken that first step back into life. And I only need to look ahead and take the next step and the next, being careful to be aware of my footing and any obstacles, but moving forward. Always moving forward.

"The Time Has Come..."

2008-02-16T11:31:00.009-06:00

...the Guru said
"To talk of many things:
Of hats--and shirts--and spam comments--
Of CafePress--and Kings--
And why water cost forty bucks
Just because it's called "Bling."

Seriously, folks; this is not a terribly serious post. I AM frustrated with a certain person posting his unwanted comments, but short of moderating comments, there's little I can do except continue to ignore them. He has his opinions and his agenda, and obviously he thinks any of us who "buy into" the AA Program are unredeemable sinners going straight to hell. Okay, I know I'm giving him way too much attention here, which will undoubtedly throw fuel on his fire, but I personally HAVE a relationship with God, and depend upon Him for my recovery, so I don't know why I've been singled out for this person's crusade. If I DON'T end up where I think I will when I die, I'll be surprised, but at least I'll probably be in a different place than him, so it's all good.

On to the second item. Are you proud of your sobriety? Do you want to declare that you're in recovery to the world? Okay, well in light of the fact that we're Alcoholics ANONYMOUS, probably not. But, to wear to AA meetings or events, or just around the house, there are some pretty cool sober T-Shirts, hats etc. out there online at CafePress. They range from poignant to cute to serious to humorous to shocking; in other words, something for everyone! Here's my personal favorite, which I'd never have the guts to actually wear to a meeting, and here's the one I'm actually going to order!

And, last but not least... in the what will they think of next? category: seriously, people—$40 for a bottle of freakin' water??? Oh, BlingH20 also has some in PLASTIC bottles (no bling) for ONLY $24 a case! Wow -- that's a deal at twice the price!

I don't think so.

Well, at least not yet.

We Will Be Amazed . . .

2008-01-30T19:33:00.000-06:00

. . . before we are halfway through.

WOW! Are those words ever true.

The Promises. Into Action.

They are coming true for me, and I'm nowhere NEAR halfway through!

Today, I have 9 and a half months sober and recovering, and I'm once again a productive, contributing member of society! Who knew?!

Last week, I heard from my sponsor about someone else in our Monday night meeting who needed a part-time receptionist, and by Friday, I'd talked to her about the position, updated and submitted my resume, interviewed, was offered and accepted the job! I started my new job this past Monday, and I LOVE it. I love having the structure in my life. I love feeling like I'm part of something and am able to contribute positively to a team effort. And I love saying things like, "I'll stop by the grocery store on the way home from work."

Life is good.

On top of this good news, my therapist (who is AWESOME) has made time in her schedule to see me on Saturday afternoons from now on.

Today:

I'm connected to God (my Higher Power), and consciously make contact with Him every morning
I have a JOB!
I have a relationship with my husband, which is continuing to heal and grow
I have friends inside and outside of the Program
I have a closer relationship with my family
I have the most amazing sponsor
I have an awesome therapist
I have peace and serenity which used to elude me
I trust God with my future instead of needing to control it, or fear it

What more could a recovering alcoholic ask for?

Morning Meditations

2008-01-16T09:10:00.000-06:00

When I first started coming to AA over 3 years ago, I was angry, resentful and bitter toward God (as well as toward a lot of other people, events, and circumstances in my life, past and present). The thing is, I didn't even realize it. I knew I was cut off, disconnected and dead spiritually, but I felt like God had abandoned me, turned his back on me, and I was too angry, depressed and mired in my disease to even know how to begin to make my way back to him, or even to have the desire to do so.

Even while I was still trapped in my distorted thinking and drowning in self-pity, self-loathing, and self-righteousness, God had NOT abandoned me, and was still working all things together for good on my behalf. Somehow, when I was finally ready to seek the help I needed to confront my alcoholism, he brought people into my life who sang the praises of a particular treatment center in West Palm Beach.

It was not a "Christian" treatment center, but one that took a holistic approach to recovery, focusing on the medical, relational, and spiritual components, incorporating them into the 12 Steps. I didn't want to go to a treatment center that looked upon alcoholism and addiction as a sin that I should be able to control, and I feared I might encounter that approach at places other than the one I chose.

I was exactly where I needed to be. My therapists and my spiritual counselors are women who were able to gently guide me into the realization that God had not abandoned me at all, and that he was only waiting for me to walk forward into his embrace. When this realization came, for the very first time, I finally understood what surrender is.

I don't have to carry the burden of my disease by myself. There is One who is always with me, always walking beside me, lightening the load.

And when I grow too weary to move another step, he is the One who carries me.

All By Myself (Don't Wanna Be)

2008-01-07T10:51:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning feeling almost hungover. I had a pounding headache centered behind my eyes, which throbbed even more every time I bent my head forward. In my first attempt to make coffee, I forgot to put the carafe under the filter cone, and coffee poured out all over the kitchen counter (thank God for paper towels!).

I haven't felt this way or been this clouded in the morning since I quit drinking, and I think I know why I woke up feeling like this today. Yesterday, after we ate a late breakfast of waffles with maple syrup, my husband left for a three-day conference up in Orlando. Left to my own devices, and having no one to prepare meals for, I munched on dark chocolate M&Ms, Wheat Thins, prepackaged jello and fruit, and then topped it off around 11:30 pm with some frozen yogurt. The only protein I had was a few bites of chicken, pulled off the remains of the rotisserie chicken we'd eaten the previous evening, and I had no veggies of any kind the entire day. This morning, my "hangover" was most likely a result of a virtually all sugar diet. It began to subside significantly after I drank a cup of coffee, which it just dawned on me was probably also a factor: caffeine deprivation. I usually drink anywhere from 3 to 6 cups of coffee a day, and I only had one yesterday morning.

Enough about that.

What I really need to get off my chest is this: This is the first time I've been alone for more than a few hours since I got sober in April. I was depressed and outright fearful yesterday, which probably contributed to my mindless junk food munching.

Not afraid of being without R. Afraid of being alone, with myself. It took me a while to identify my fear. At first, I thought it was just the memory of previous times R's gone out of town. His trips were something I looked forward to, because I could drink and veg out in front of the TV. I used to obsess about what I would drink, planning to try new wines and special cocktails, and usually just ended up drinking straight vodka. How would I handle it now that I'm not drinking? What if I ended up drinking? I'm so close to 9 months, and I sure don't want to blow it.

But then, I realized, it's not really that I'm afraid I'll drink. I mean, there's always that fear, at the back of my mind, and I think it's a healthy one that keeps me from becoming cocky and complacent. I know what I have to do, and I'm doing it (calling and meeting with my sponsor, talking about my fears, journaling, going to meetings, hanging with sober friends, going for my outpatient activities, etc.).

The greater and more honest fear is just being alone with myself. I've never enjoyed being alone, because being with myself used to be painful. I didn't like or love myself, and I couldn't stand being alone, but I didn't want to be around anyone else either. I couldn't believe anyone else really would like me, if they knew the real me, and always being "on" and maintaining the facade I presented to the world was exhausting. So, I isolated and drank and told myself I preferred being alone, and I even believed it for a long while.

Today, I need to learn how to enjoy being alone with myself, and this is actually a wonderful opportunity to do just that. And I'm not really alone. My Higher Power is always with me. I can be alone, and not be lonely. I can appreciate and develop my character strengths, while I continue to identify and work on my defects. I am beginning to love myself, and to even like myself, but it is indeed progress, not perfection at this point.

I am learning that I can just be, and that is truly one of the miracles of recovery.

Happy Sober New Year!

2008-01-03T09:44:00.000-06:00

We just got back late last night from holidays spent first with R's and my family in Atlanta (Christmas), and then with my family in Raleigh (New Year's). We drove the entire way, which was 12 hours to Atlanta, 8 hours to Raleigh, and then 14 hours returning from Raleigh to South Florida. And I didn't want to drink or kill anyone!

Road trips used to make me REALLY crazy, but I'm finding that I can now relax and just be, and not feel (so) pressured to always be adhering to some imaginary schedule or someone's phantom expectations. Progress, not perfection. I've got so much work to do in preparation for my outpatient activities, and I'm anxious to get back to my meetings and reconnect with my friends here.

I did go to a fabulous meeting while in Raleigh (one I had visited while there at Thanksgiving) and felt right at home. I guess that will be my home-away-from-home meeting there! Cool.

One of the most amazing gifts of this program is my relationship with my parents, and their awareness, understanding and compassion for other alcoholics. Shortly after I finished my inpatient treatment, my Mama and Daddy were able to offer one of their employees, who has struggled with his alcoholism for years, the chance to enroll in a similar program. "C" had just returned home a couple of weeks prior to our visit, so when I saw him at my parents' office, I suggested we go to a meeting together, which we did. So now I have a buddy there, too! How cool is that?!

I have SO MUCH to be grateful for, and I AM grateful, as this year begins.

No early morning guilt, shame and nausea.
No wondering what I did or what I said the night before.
Relationships that are changing, growing, and thriving.
Trust being rebuilt.
Real honesty.
Appreciation for my family and their amazing love and patience.
My friends (including my awesome sponsor) in the program.
My family.
My husband.
The Promises.
The Miracle.
My growing relationship with my Higher Power, and my growing ability to trust Him.
The certainty that my Higher Power loves and accepts me just as I am today, which means I can love and accept myself, imperfect as I am.
Way too much to list here right now, but WOW!!!! What a great way to face the New Year. Sober, joyful and free!

Ready or Not?

2007-12-04T07:46:00.000-06:00

People keep asking me if I'm ready to be a sponsor.

By people, I mean one or two (I think it just scares me so much, that it seems like more). Not people interested in my sponsoring them, mind you. They think I'm ready to sponsor women with less time than I have.

My sponsor says she thinks I'm almost ready, but she agrees with me that I need to have completed the steps, and I'd like to have at least a year of sobriety under my belt, so that's my standard answer when these people ask me whether or not I'm ready.

I go to a couple of meetings that are overwhelmingly attended by newcomers, most having less than 90 days. My nearly 8 months in recovery, and my advancement through the steps to Step 10 seems like a lot compared to that, and I know it seemed unattainable to me when I kept going back out, and didn't have a sponsor and wasn't working the steps, and couldn't put together more than 4 months of continuous abstinence from alcohol. I know, also that I am growing and maturing and changing in my attitudes and understanding, and my spirituality is growing and deepening and is the most precious part of my recovery. So, relative to that newcomer, I do have something someone else may want, and I want to share that and help that person, but I am NOT yet ready to sponsor.

That doesn't mean that I can't help the newcomer, or the woman with less time than I have, though. I can listen to her and offer advice based upon my experience and learning from our literature. I can encourage her to get a sponsor, and take her to meetings where she can meet women who have what she wants and do have enough time in the program to sponsor someone. I can introduce her to my sponsor and other women whose programs I admire. I can help her in obtaining the literature she needs to begin learning more about this program and internalizing its principles on her own. I can be a friend and a sister, even if I can't yet be a sponsor.

Yesterday, a woman from one of my meetings called me. She was really struggling with how her drinking had damaged her relationship with her boyfriend, and wanted my advice on how to see if he was willing to give her another chance. We talked for and hour and a half, with my mostly just listening. She poured out her life story to me, and at the end of our conversation she said, "Pam, you have helped me so much!"

I was on cloud nine the rest of the day! I called my sponsor immediately, who was just as thrilled as I was. I'm going to meet this lady at a women's step meeting I attend on Wednesday evenings. There are newcomers there, but also quite a few women who, like my amazing sponsor, have many years in recovery and work awesome programs. I bought a 12 and 12 to give to my new friend as a "welcome home" gift. I've told her to call me ANY time she wants or needs to talk, or even if she just wants to get together and hang out. These are the things I can do BEFORE I'm ready to sponsor, and I LOVE that I can begin to give what has so freely been given to me.

Close Call

2007-11-29T07:07:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I scared the crap out of myself. I had a few moments in which I seriously thought about drinking, and if there had been anything available, I am really afraid I might have gone ahead and drunk it.

It was over something so stupid, such a product of my diseased thinking and wild imagination, my need for attention, approval and validation from others, and my own manipulative behavior and ego run riot.

R and I went up to Raleigh for Thanksgiving, and we had a wonderful visit with my parents, sisters, and their families. It was my first time back since I'd gotten drunk while staying there in April (my last drunk, actually). We were able to talk comfortably about my alcoholism and the alcoholic history in my mother's family. I learned so much more about my grandmother's addiction, and realized how much her drinking had impacted my mother.

We got back to Florida late Monday evening, and then Tuesday, I went up to West Palm for my outpatient therapy activities (meeting with my spiritual counselor, my therapist, and my outpatient group), which was also wonderful. Life was wonderful, sobrity was wonderful, and recovery was wonderful. I was on a spiritual and emotional high.

Ever since I was little, I've made up silly little songs and gone around the house, singing them. The week before last, as I was doing this one day, an actual song began formulating, and I wrote it down. Over the next few days, another one came, and another. I picked out the melodies on my mother's piano, and have just had this amazing sense of awe and gratitude that God is allowing me to release and express myself through a medium so new to me, and I've shared this with R.

Yesterday, I was again in one of my little silly moods, but also feeling joyful and grateful, as I had just finished another song, this one for my grandfather. R was rushing around, getting ready to leave for a meeting at school. I was in the bathroom putting on my makeup. I called out to R, "Do you like my raps or my songs better?" (I also make up silly raps frequently.) Silence. Then, "About the same."

I was devastated. How could he equate my silly jingles with my serious expressions of creativity and healing? How could he hurt me like this? I played the scenario in my head again and again. It was an intentional insult. He knew how my Dad had always set the bar so high that I was never able to succeed, never able to be good enough. He had MEANT to hurt me. Why? Was he angry at me for spending time doing something he considers frivolous, instead of cleaning or getting a job?

I just wanted the pain, the hurt to stop. And that's when the solution popped into my head. A shot of vodka would help. I was getting ready to go to the nail salon. I could just go to the restaurant beside the salon first and get a shot of Stoli. Just one and just this once.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!????!!!!!! Suddenly, my rational, sober voice screamed in my head. HE can't make you unhappy. You're CHOOSING not to be happy. In the course of time, only God's opinion of you counts, and HE thinks you're wonderful, just as you are. Why does it matter what R thinks of your songs? You're doing them not for recognition, but in release and gratitude to your Creator, your Higher Power.

"You are looking at the face of the only one responsible for your happiness today." I repeated the mantra over and over, and finally, it began to sink in. But I was still depressed, angry and hurt. I couldn't call my sponsor, because I knew I was blowing things out of proportion, and she would laugh at me and tell me I was in my victim mentality again.

I went and got my nails done, ran a few errands, and came home without visiting the restaurant.

It was now three hours since the incident had occurred, and it finally hit me. R thought I was just being silly when I'd thrown the question out. He thought it was one of those questions with which we women frequently bombard our husbands to which there is no safe answer (Which of these dresses makes me look fatter? Oh so you DO think I'm fat!). The "About the same." was the safest answer he could think of at the moment.

R came home and I confessed to him what had been going on in my mind. I called my sponsor, who told me NEVER to wait again to call her when I was in danger of drinking, no matter how stupid I felt, and to talk about it at that night's meeting, which I did.

The real solution is so much better. Why the heck did it take me three hours to figure that out? Thank God, I did, and thank God for this way of life that gives me that real solution.

Not So Random

2007-11-15T11:12:00.000-06:00

I've been meaning to post for days now. I keep having those little "aha moments" and think at the time "I have to journal this so I don't forget," but then I get busy or get distracted by something else, and I never get around to it.

I'm not recalling any specific moments right now, but just want to get this down on paper, or at least in a format that I can look back upon and remind myself, that the promises do begin to come true before we are halfway through the steps and that the gifts of the program and of my Higher Power whom I call God, are truly infinite.

I've been so scattered lately (the past few days) and I'm not sure why. I have a lot of energy, but it seems to be frenetic and I can't keep myself focused upon a given task without really consciously striving to do so. Yesterday, I found making myself a "to do" list and checking off each task as I accomplished it really helped me, not only to stay focused upon what I was doing, but in having a sense of purposeful consciousness.

At the end of the day, I hadn't completed everything, and in the past, I would have told myself how I sucked for not being perfect and getting everything done I'd intended. Instead, I was able to look at what I HAD completed, and the fact that the items ticked off far exceeded the items still to be done, and I felt really good about it, and about myself.

I have to remind myself again and again that I am not defined by what I do, that I am enough, just as I am, and I deserve to be and AM accepted and loved by God, just as I am today.

Saturday Serenity

2007-11-03T12:40:00.000-05:00

I have so much to be grateful for today (and every day, really). A lot of the time, I forget to count my blessings, and I let my focus shift to the negative, rather than the positive, and that's when my thinkin' becomes quite stinkin'. I can quickly spiral into an entirely self-induced depression.

That's what's been going on with me for the past couple of weeks, off and on, but a lot more on than off. I've had some sporadic, but too brief breakthroughs of ration and reason, but until I became really aware of what I was allowing to happen by the manner in which I was choosing to perceive everything and everyone around me, I couldn't shake myself out of my "blue funk" (an appropriate term for my dark moods my mother used when I was going through the turbulent teenage years).

I finally realized that I was choosing to be miserable and that I could choose NOT to be miserable, and that doing so required honesty, awareness and action.

Yesterday, I woke up full of energy, and with a positive outlook that is still with me today. I went to a fantastic meeting last night, and a great one this morning, and then had breakfast and a long talk with my amazing sponsor.

It's almost incomprehensible that I can go from being utterly depressed and miserable, wanting to hide and isolate to being -- yes! -- happy, joyous and free, simply by choosing to view things positively and remembering to thank God for all His blessings and gifts.

Today, I am grateful for:

A loving, supportive husband who encourages me in my sobriety, and in working an active program.
A sponsor who is amazingly honest and authentic, and who by example encourages me to be honest and authentic, and who also is truly a friend (you really do want one who'll call you on your shit, but also tells you when she sees progress and growth!).
The gifts of the program I'm seeing increase every day.
The growing ability to identify my fears and face them and to know that I CAN walk through them and come out on the other side without dying or picking up a drink.
My sweet and funny kit-kat-kitten, Boots, who sleeps with me every night and makes me laugh every day.
A closer and more honest relationship with my mother than I think we've ever shared before now.
My Higher Power, the God of my understanding, who is with me 24/7, rain or shine, good or bad, happy or sad -- I can get through anything with His help, and with the support of...
...My friends in the Program, in real life, and in cyber space.

I love you all, and I wish each of you a super, serene Saturday!

xoxo

Happy Halloween!

2007-11-01T03:19:00.000-05:00

Well, it's actually All Saints Day now, but I hope all you boys and ghouls had a GHASTLY Halloween!

xoxo

Cycle of Life

2007-10-27T08:31:00.000-05:00

My mom called me on Tuesday to tell me me a close friend of hers (and of our family) had died of lung cancer. It was quite a shock; I hadn't even known she was ill.

This lady was my mother's best friend all through high school, and they kept in touch throughout the years since. They both got married while still in high school, and had their first babies within six weeks of each other. When my parents eloped, Faye and her husband were the witnesses at their little civil ceremony, and Faye took the only exisiting snapshots of their nuptials.

When I was growing up, my great-grandfather lived in Fort Meyers, and whenever my family visited him, we'd head over to north Miami to visit Faye and her family for a few days, too. Faye's daughter was six weeks older than me, and even though we saw each other very infrequently, we shared a bond.

I called my mother yesterday to discuss Thanksgiving plans, and she told me that she'd found out that Faye's visitation was scheduled for that evening in the town next to us. I said I'd go and pay my respects.

I went about the day, not really feeling anything one way or the other about Faye's death. As I said, it was a shock, but I hadn't seen her or any of her family for years. My last conversation with her was when she called me to tell me she and her husband would not be able to attend my parents' 50th wedding anniversary celebration.

R was watching the news, and I decided to go and drop off my prescriptions at Walgreens, so they'd be ready to pick up when we went out later. I got to the pharmacy and couldn't find the prescriptions. I came home and searched frantically for them, and became convinced that they must have fallen out of my purse and been thrown in the trash and Walgreens.

I had a total meltdown, crying hysterically, and telling myself how stupid and irresponsible and disorganized I was, inwardly seething at R for refusing to get involved in my drama. I was aware that my emotional outburst had nothing to do with the actual circumstances of losing my prescriptions (which of course, I had misplaced and found later), but I couldn't pinpoint what the true cause was.

It wasn't until I saw my friend that I understood that my emotions were grief and fear. Grief for the loss of someone who had impacted my life, and who had been such an important part of my mother's life. Grief for my friend's loss of her mother. Fear of feeling uncomfortable, of not having the right words to say. Fear of the reality of death, and the prospect of losing my own parents. Faye was a year and a half younger than my mother, and she's dead. I still think of my mom as being relatively young (she's only 19 years older than I am), but the fact is she's 70 now. My dad is 70 now. I'm older, and they're older, and death is part of the cycle of life.

I am so thankful that I went last night, and was there for J, my friend. When I walked in, she said, "Do I recognize that face? Is that a face for me?" We hugged and held each other. Even though it had been years since we'd seen one another, that connection was still there. We shared memories and tears and laughter.

I am so grateful for the gift of sobriety, even though it means I have to feel my emotions and deal with them, rather than ignoring and numbing them. When I was drinking, I would not have gone. I would have been overwhelmed with the emotions I couldn't identify and would have wanted to obliterate them immediately. I would have drunk, maybe just a little to calm my nerves at first, but I would have gotten too drunk to go.

Instead, I was able to go and support my friend. Thank you, God.

I Hear Voices

2007-10-04T09:12:00.000-05:00

As of right now, it's been 4 days, 13 hours, 9 minutes and 26 seconds since I've smoked a cigarette, which totals 90 cigarettes not smoked, and $22.50 saved (I smoked expensive cigarettes). That's enough for a pedicure! I guess I can afford to treat myself to one! :)

It feels so easy right now. It's like, "Oh yeah, this is a piece of cake. I'm a non-smoker now. I can do this for the rest of my life, no problem."

Only, I'm an alcoholic and addict. And this is the voice of my addiction. I have names for all its various guises, and this one is Nikki.

Nikki wants to lull me into a false sense of security, pride and grandiosity, to make me think that I can do anything I put my mind to, and then, when I've become complacent and non-vigilant, and I'm most vulnerable or least expecting it, she'll tell me it's okay to smoke just one cigarette, that I deserve it because of whatever I'm going through at the moment, and AT LEAST IT'S NOT AS BAD AS DRINKING!

Whether it's Al, Nikki, Edy, or whatever other guise my addiction assumes, I have to be ready, and I have to be able to recognize it for what it is. So, for this alcoholic and addict, vigilance, awareness, prayer and reliance on my Higher Power and the support of others is key. Without having those factors in my life, and without working a good 12-step program, I'm lost.

Thank God, for this fellowship and this program, which teaches us HOW to live, and gives us the desire to do so!

Hi, I'm an Alcoholic and Addict and My Name is Pam

2007-09-25T22:17:00.000-05:00

But you can call me PJ (my IRL initials, and a moniker given to me by someone I met while in treatment, so I like it).

Designer Girl is still here. She's part of who I am, but she's not all of me. She doesn't define me. I am enough, just as I am. Just plain and simple Pam or PJ.

I've been trying some different meetings and found one I LOVE that meets on Sunday evenings. It's a Big Book study, which is something I need on my meeting schedule, and is very small, comfortable and laid back, but serious about sobriety and recovery. I plan to make it a permanent addition, at least for now.

I'm still doing outpatient treatment once a week, plus therapy and spiritual care, and am working with my sponsor here now. We're going to do my 5th Step together, even though I'd already done it with my sponsor in Palm Beach Gardens, and I'm excited about her getting to know me better, and my being able to receive her insight, wisdom and experience, too.

My life is very good, and I am so grateful for it. I love what sobriety is bringing to me, and I never want to lose that.

Cross-Addiction

2007-09-20T08:12:00.000-05:00

While I was in rehab, I picked up smoking. After 25 years. I started out at about 6 cigarettes a day, then quickly (within 3 days) was back up to my old habit of a pack or more a day.

After about 6 weeks, the nurse practitioner put me on Chantix (at my request), but it made me so nauseated that I quit taking it the day I went up to a full milligram in the morning (after vomiting twice).

So here I am, sober, but smoking. My husband is none too happy. I don't like the fact that I spent $70,000.00 on treatment for one addiction just to pick up another one that is also terrible for me. I hate the way my hair, clothes, breath and car smell.

Against the advice of my therapist who thinks I shouldn't try to stop smoking so early in my sobriety, I'm giving the Chantix another try. I'm making sure to take it with food, and to drink plenty of water. I'm still just on the .5 milligram once a day dose, but so far, so good. I'm still smoking, but yesterday I lit up a Camel Frost and had to put it out after a few drags (my Djarum Bali Hais are still tasting pretty good, though).

I've started another blog, Breathe Again, to help me along THIS particular journey, so I'd appreciate any support and advice any of you former smokers or want-to-be-former-smokers can give me.

Sobriety-wise, I'm doing okay. Not dealing with any major cravings, although I did have some this past weekend, but it was the stress of moving back home and leaving my life in treatment behind, and I handled it by going to meetings, talking about it to my sponsor, therapist and alcoholic friends, and processing it to get to the bottom of what was going on.

I've only been to one good meeting since I've been here. I went to my home group yesterday afternoon, and it's totally changed. People were talking all through the meeting, there wasn't an atmosphere of mutual respect and consideration, and it was just not what I needed.

That's okay. Meetings change, and there are plenty in this area. I just need to visit some new ones and find the ones that are right for me. I'm grateful that I live in an area where there are a number of meetings to choose from, and I'm grateful that I can walk into any one of them and know I'll be among friends.

Return from Rehab

2007-09-16T10:23:00.000-05:00

Hey, everyone, I'm BACK!!! I've learned so much about myself, about what it means to want this, to surrender, to stay connected with my Higher Power, and to work the program AA offers as the solution to my problem.

For some reason, I'm tired. I thought I'd be excited to be home, but I think I'm grieving the loss of leaving. I'm going to continue outpatient treatment, going up once a week for a group, and to meet with my therapist. I'm in a good, solid, place emotionally, spiritually and physically, but I guess there is a LOT of fear about being back in the "real world" and having to move forward, meeting my fears and walking through them with the support of others in the program, and turning them over to my Higher Power.

I've just completed my fifth step with my sponsor in Palm Beach Gardens, but my therapist wants me to do it with her as well. My sponsor and I also did Steps 6 and 7, and the beginning of 8. I realize, though, that I need to add to my fourth step inventory some things I didn't think about, so I'll do that before doing the fifth step with my therapist.

I am so grateful!

Grateful for this gift of time to work on myself and focus on issues that have contributed to my drinking and my inability to stay sober.

Grateful to have God in my life again, and to be able to turn things over to Him.

Grateful to be able to accept and offer forgiveness.

Grateful there is a solution, and that I can live in it and have a life that is full, joyful, and meaningful.

Grateful that I have many years of recovery ahead of me to grow, and to work with others and give back to this program.

And last, but not least . . . grateful that I can delete comments forever!

Independence Day!

2007-07-04T12:19:00.000-05:00

Hey, everyone!!!

Well, it's been 57 days since my last post, but who's counting, right?

To update all of you who've kept me in your prayers and may be wondering where the heck I am... I decided to stay in treatment for an additional 28 days. I've had no Internet access until yesterday, when I reupped for an additional 28 days.

I'm now in one of the "Butterfly" houses, which is a halfway house owned by my treatment center. It's absolutely beautiful, with a lagoon-like pool and garden area, and I LOVE it here. My roomates are two of the "younger chicas" I've been in treatment with.

My husband and I are going to start marriage counseling this coming Friday, and I'm really excited about our future. He's been completely supportive of my continuing treatment, and is starting to plan fun things for us to do once I come home. I'll probably transition from this house to one with a little more freedom, and just take it as it comes, one day at a time.

I'm so unbelievably happy! I'm rediscovering who I am, learning to accept and love myself, flaws and all, and am really working on my character defects and core issues. I've also reconnected with my Higher Power, and now really am able to believe that He loves and accepts me and cherishes me right now, as I am. I am ENOUGH. For the first time in my life, I'm really able to say this and more importantly, believe it.

We're having the girls over from the other Butterly house for a 4th of July party, and they've just arrived, so I'm going to sign off for now. More, later...

I love you all. Thanks so much for your comments, your prayers, and your love, support and encouragement. You are and will continue to be a huge part of my recovery.

XOXO (((HUGS)))

28 Days

2007-05-08T07:01:00.000-05:00

Well, this is it, folks.

The day has arrived.

Today, I travel north for an hour or so, and will enter a 28 day residential treatment program.

It's also been 28 days since my last drink.

I'm apprehensive, anxious, and cautiously hopeful and expectant.

I'm also very grateful:

For a chance to work intensively for 28 days on getting and staying sober

For the focus of this particular program on identifying the core issues and how to face them and finding and utilizing appropriate coping tools and methods

For my pastor's enthusiastic and very real support of my entering this program

For my husband's unwavering love and support

For a chance to start over

For my sponsor

For my family

For my friends

For my sweet kitty, Boots, who's slept with me for the past week (he knows something's up!)

For the speaker's story this past Saturday

For all of you, my awesome blogging peeps

For Justin Timberlake's Futuresex/Lovesounds, and for my MP3 player

Y'all will still be here when I get back, won't you?

Love you all. MUAH!!!! (((((mucho hugs)))))

Tick Tock

2007-04-28T11:37:00.000-05:00

The almost firm plan now is for me to enter treatment on Monday, May 7. We found out our sucky insurance won't cover ANY of the $24K it's going to cost (geez! that's almost $1000.00 per day!!), so we're just going to put in on AmEx and then liquidate some of my investment accounts to pay off the credit card. R says that this is probably a good time to do it, since the market's been high lately. I know nothing about investments, mutual funds, the stock market, etc., so this completely terrifies me. All I know is that we currently have no income and we're gonna be paying out a big chunk of change.

And, I don't know if it's really even necessary. Lately, the following thoughts keep running through my head:

Do I really need to go to rehab, if I haven't hit rock bottom yet? I'm doing okay going to meetings, I've got a terrific sponsor and I've actually started doing the assignments she's given me for step 1. What am I going to learn in treatment that is so much more insightful and valuable that I can't learn it through listening to people share in the rooms, talking to my sponsor, and reading? Isn't it incredibly self-centered and selfish of me to take 28 days just to work on myself? How in heck do I justify that, when I've already put such a strain on mine and R's relationship, not to mention our finances?

And the one I am loathe to admit:

What if I put 28 days of my life into trying to change my outlook, beliefs, behaviors, thinking patterns, what-have-yous, and I go back home and it's still the same as it's always been? How can I change and go back to a life in which I've been so chronically miserable that I've felt the need to numb myself just to get through a day of it? What if nothing else changes???

I'm scared of going, and I'm scared of not going. This fear is paralyzing me. I don't know how to cope with it, except to pray, go to meetings, and call my sponsor. These all feel like mere stop-gap measures to me, though. I feel like a ticking time bomb, and no one knows exactly when the explosion will occur, but everyone knows it's imminent.

Never Say Never

2007-04-19T18:49:00.000-05:00

Well, it looks like I will be going to treatment (something I said I'd never do), but I'm actually kind of pumped about it. The place where R wanted me to go seemed to me not to be the best fit, so I started talking to some of my girls at the meetings I've been attending, and got some really positive feedback about one place in particular. They seem to be very proactive in addressing women's issues and how they impact and are impacted by alcohol addiction (such as menopause and depression), and this is something I've been very concerned about for a good while (actually, it was the original premise for this blog). They seem to be very holistic, too, addressing the spiritual side quite thoroughly.

I filled out and submitted a preliminary information form online yesterday, and today, talked to someone who took my intake information. The financial person is supposed to call me to let me know where things stand. I know our insurance sucks and won't cover much, but I have investments that can be liquidated to pay the balance, and since it's my life that's at stake, it seems to be the thing to do. So, I'll probably be going either next week or the week after for 28 days of residential treatment.

I've gotten a new sponsor, and I've started doing the 90 in 90 again. Somehow, my new sponsor was not aware until today that I was considering treatment (I've talked to so many people about it that I thought for sure I'd discussed it with her, but I guess I hadn't), so I don't know how that will affect the whole 90 in 90 thing, but we seem to be really connecting, which is different from my relationship with my first sponsor. We talked for about an hour on the phone this morning, and she's given me a first step assignment that seems actually doable and helpful, rather than just overwhelming busy work.

I may be getting a part time design job, too. I'm meeting with a woman from one of my women's meetings tomorrow to discuss it. It would only be a few hours a week, but it would be steady. I told her about the treatment issue, and she says it's no problem for me to start once I get back.

I am really seeing God at work in the ways that things have started coming together. I had to put forth a little effort (calling my friend to ask her about the treatment center I was interested in, asking someone to be my new sponsor, letting it be known that I'm looking for work, etc.), but once I did, things have just started clicking.

Things do seem to be looking up, but, boy, is it a long way to the top from here!

Taking Home the Bronze

2007-04-14T09:49:00.000-05:00

I ran my first 5K race this morning, and amazingly, placed third in my age group, with a time of 27:33.1, at a pace of 8:53 minutes per mile. Not fantastic, but not too shabby for the first time, either. I am ecstatic!

I have a pretty, shiny medal to show off, but infinitely more important is the satisfaction I've received in having accomplished something I had set as a goal, and giving it my best effort.

I would post a photo, but ants got in our digital camera and ruined the lens, so I'll have to wait until I can get a disposable film camera, or convince my husband that we need to go ahead and spring for a new digital.

Today I'm grateful for:

Setting a goal and accomplishing it

My value as a human being is not measured by my accomplishments

I look great in bronze

Being fit and strong

My supportive husband who got up at 5:00 AM to take me to the race, and stayed to cheer me on

Strong encouragement and support from my AA home group when I re-surrendered the night before last

Fantastic meetings both Thursday and Friday evenings

Forgiveness

Love

Hope

Faith

Tailspin

2007-04-12T08:11:00.000-05:00

I've been drinking again. Binge drinking. On March 5, March 28 and 29, and April 9. The worst was the last time. I was in North Carolina, staying with my parents. Driving my mother's minivan. I went to the mall to return/exchange some items. I was leaving to return home the next day. Happy, exhilarated, a little apprehensive about how to tell R how much money I'd spent at Ann Taylor.

I wanted a martini. A strawberry martini from The Cheesecake Factory, to be exact. No real planning, but no action to stop the thought from becoming a plan once it started. I went in, and ordered one. It was delicious. I paid, tipped and left. Got in my Mama's Windstar and drove around the block. Parked. Went back in and had two more. All I had eaten all day was one Clif bar and a tablespoon of some leftover meat/bean taco filler my sister had made, and I had run for 40 minutes that morning.

Then I went to Food Lion and bought wine. The rest is kind of a blur. I do remember my mother asking me if I was drunk, and my responding with an indignant, incredulous What????, but beyond that just bits and pieces. My sister and her family were there, too, including four of my nieces and nephews.

R is trying to get me into a rehab facility. I am mostly numb. Sometimes sad, sometimes angry (mostly at myself). Very depressed. Very regretful and remorseful. I am so not where I want to be, and I have only myself to blame.

I went to a meeting last night. Will go to my home meeting and white chip tonight. I dread facing my home group and their seeing my failure, but if I don't, I'll just drink again, eventually.

I don't know how to face my family. I wish I'd had the courage to share with them that I was facing my addiction to alcohol and going to AA, but I didn't, so now it's come out in a way that can only have frightened, bewildered and angered them. I've completely blown their trust, which took years to rebuild with my parents after my wild teenage and early adult years.

Somehow, though, I am relieved that my "secret" is out. There really is truth in the statement that "we're only as sick as our secrets." If I'd been forthright and honest... well that's really just water under the bridge now.

Self Analysis

2007-03-24T05:48:00.000-05:00

Hey, all. Everything's going okay. This week was a little difficult because I was inexplicably very volatile emotionally. I kept having those out-of-body moments where I'd be looking at this irrational woman ranting on and on about something absolutely trivial, and knowing that woman was none other than me. I was out of control, and knew it, but just unable to stop. At least I didn't drink, although I was bombarded by intense cravings from out of the blue on several occasions, and certainly fantasized about it before bringing myself up short and derailing those little mind trips.

I'm not sure what's going on. In a lot of ways, I feel like I back to where I was 4 to 5 months ago, and I guess that's pretty accurate in terms of where I was then and where I am now since my last drink. It's just hard to wrap my head around the undeniable fact that a week-long binge puts me back at square one, not just mentally, but apparently, physically, too. I think this is just the systemic "purge" that goes on for a while once you stop putting alcohol into your body. I'd forgotten how shitty that feels, and it's one more of those little factoids that shows me why exactly my life is so much more enjoyable and manageable without alcohol.

The one thing that helps me deal with the physical part of this is running. The days I don't run are the days I find myself depressed, moody, and volatile. I need to start crosstraining on the days I don't run.

I registered to enter my Very First Race. Ever. (Okay, not including elementary school PE.) It's a 5K called Tour of the Gables, and it's 3 weeks from today. I've pretty much been running this distance as my "normal" run, so I don't think endurance will be a problem. I do want to try to increase my speed, though, so I'm going to be focusing more on that in these weeks preceding the race.

I'm worried I'm getting too thin (ha! never thought I'd say that again...), so I think for the next week, I'm going to keep a food journal to monitor my caloric intake. I think what's happened here is that I adjusted my diet to lose weight and eat healthily over the past 4 months, but now that I'm exercising a lot more and am at (really beyond) my goal weight, I need to add back more complex carbs than I have (primarily whole grains, as I'm eating quite a few vegetable and fruit servings a day). I may need to add more protein, too, and maybe more good fat. Anyway, a food journal will help me to analyze and pinpoint what needs to change.

Gotta go. It's getting light and today's my day for a longer run, so I want to get out early.

Gettin' Out While the Gettin's Good

2007-03-17T06:51:00.000-05:00

Well, hellooooo, everybody! I'm doing really well mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and sobrietally (I don't think sobrietally is a real word, but it should be!); just not in a very blogging frame of mind these days (too focused on other things, I guess).

I'm going to try to do 6 miles this morning (first "official" long run in my new training schedule). Yes, that's right. I've been inspired and challenged by MC's example to try to run a half marathon. The one I really want to do is the Miami Half Marathon (part of the Miami Marathon) in January, so I've got plenty of time to train for it. In the meantime, though, I'm probably going to join a local running group and enter some smaller races so I can get some official times accrued in order to enter the Miami race.

This is all new to me, but it's good for me to have a goal. I don't do well when I have no goals (boy, is that an understatement!). Anyhoo... it's a gorgeous, cool and breezy morning, so I want to get out there while the gettin's good (as we say in the South).

Update:
Well, I did it! 6.08 miles, in fact. It took me 62 minutes, so not great time, but so far, I've just been focusing on building up distance and stamina. I'll have to start working on increasing my speed now, too, I guess!

Pity Party Cancelled

2007-03-07T20:34:00.000-06:00

If anyone saw the post earlier (now deleted) where I was feeling oh-so-sorry for myself 'cuz no one was making a big deal over my major big deal milestone 50th birthday, I apologize for subjecting you to my little pity party.

My husband (my WONDERFUL, handsome, loving, sexy husband) surprised me with no less than DIAMOND EARRINGS!!! The present I've wanted ever since we've been married.

When this man comes through, folks, he does it in a big way.

So, now, I'm gonna go eat cake and ice cream and watch Medium. This IS a good day!

5.0 on the Big Five-Oh

2007-03-07T08:49:00.000-06:00

Actually, it was 5.30. Miles, that is. (Somehow, I miscalculated a bit when planning out my route).

Today's my natal birthday, and it's a big one. Half a century. The Big Five-Oh. To celebrate in classic Mary Christine style, I was determined to run 5.0 miles. My farthest distance prior to this had been 3.92 miles, but that was on a day which was significantly hotter and more humid, so I knew I had it in me to do this and I JUST DID IT!!!

If I can do this, I feel I can do just about anything.

Got to go... hubby is making me my birthday breakfast and it's just about ready!

Hugs and kisses to all of you! MUAH! xoxo

(Will try to do more of an update later.)

Just Keep On Keepin' On

2007-03-06T10:52:00.000-06:00

I've been so wrapped up in myself and feeling ashamed and guilty that I've almost lost the sense of happiness and purpose that I'd begun to experience after having stayed sober for four months (prior to the infamous ski trips).

I think sometimes the guilt and shame are good and necessary, because they are real emotions which remind me of what I don't want to feel and experience on a daily basis. I have to temper that realization with not becoming so weighed down that I can't move forward again, and I think that's where I've been the last several weeks.

I have to move forward again. To embrace a sober, fulfilling, purposeful life. I'd begun to love my life and like myself again, and I want to get back to that place and start growing again.

The only way to do that is just do it, so that's what I'm gonna do.

I turn 50 tomorrow. I want the rest of my life to be one I like and can be proud of.

The Great Pretender

2007-02-25T06:16:00.000-06:00

Yeah, that's me.

Only, it's not working so well, pretending.

This morning, I awoke at 6:25 A.M., after tossing and turning until sometime after 3:00 A.M., and just went ahead and got up, as I don't have time (what with church at 10:30 A.M. and all), to try to get back to sleep for the next three hours as I normally would.

So, here goes. The bald, unvarnished truth. The exposure of the lie I've been living for the past month and a half or so.

Not that some of you will be all that surprised. Surely, you've speculated—guessed— suspected that something's amiss, due to my infrequent posting. Or maybe not. Whatever.

Anyway, here it is: When I went skiing in January, I drank.

I didn't intend to. In fact, I intended NOT to. But, I did, and then I tried to hide it from you, from everyone back here in my normal, everyday life, and even to some degree, from myself.

That worked pretty well for a while. I told myself that it was a week-long momentary lapse. I compartmentalized it. I let myself begin to believe that I would and could allow myself to drink only on ski trips. And, that on the next one, I would exercise control and not have more than one beer at apres ski, and not more than one cocktail before dinner, and not more than one glass of wine with dinner—two, tops.

I went skiing again on February 10th. I had three dirty martinis on the plane out to Vail/Eagle.

The really sad part of this whole sad story is that my drinking friends tried to help me. My roommate asked me if I'd ever gone to AA and told me she'd not drink the rest of the trip and be my non-drinking buddy and support person. My other friend, staying in our condo, told me she'd do anything she could to support me, and that she hoped I'd get back into the program.

So, I started drinking behind their backs, and succeeded in getting royally plastered on two separate occasions.

Now, mind you, I had not drunk at all for the three weeks between the first and second trips, and yet within a few days time, I was back at the level that I had been at when I was drinking on a regular basis.

Why am I confessing all this here? Because, this is the one place where I've striven to be honest, and when I started hiding the truth and lying and avoiding coming here, I felt I'd hit a new bottom.

I held back from confessing before this for all the reasons we all have hidden and lied and avoided in the past. I didn't want you to know I'd failed. I didn't want you to be disappointed in me. I've been ashamed and filled with disgust, self-loathing, remorse and regret, but I kept telling myself to ignore it, and just get back to my normal life here and put it behind me. Go to meetings, get a new sponsor, and pick up my medallion in September, because it's over and it won't happen again, and I don't need to let everyone else down just because I failed.

I hope that's true. I hope it IS over and won't happen again, but in order for that to BE true, I can't keep hiding and lying about it.

The one thing I've held on to throughout all of this is that I don't want drinking to be part of my normal, everyday, real life. I've had enough of a taste (over 4 months) of sobriety to know that I like my life and myself so much better sober that I never want to start drinking on a regular basis again.

I've analyzed what led to my relapse as well as I can, and I'm still a little bewildered, but I also know that it began in my head, because I let myself believe that I could be and needed to be a different person in certain venues and situations. What I know now is that I have to be the same, authentic, non-drinking person in every situation, no matter how uncomfortable that is for me or anyone else, and the truth of the matter is, it's probably only uncomfortable for me, and that discomfort will eventually dissipate.

You know what I DON'T want from y'all right now? I don't want a lot of advice on what I should have done, or AA platitudes, or smugness or judgment, or oh-poor-yous. I know what I did. I know it was wrong and stupid and irrational and insane and inexcusable.

I also know that I'm an alcoholic and alcoholics mess up when they start getting full of themselves and think they can do it on their own. I know I can't. I know I will always need AA. I just need to be honest here, so that's what this is.

Personal Best

2007-02-03T15:07:00.000-06:00

3.30 miles.

That was my distance this morning.

I am so thrilled that despite record-breaking heat and humidity, I just freakin' did it.

And, I have to admit that I am not-so-secretly very pleased and downright impressed with myself.

(Of course, My Nephew The Track Star is not so impressed, so there's that to keep me humble!)

Slowly, But Surely

2007-02-02T10:34:00.000-06:00

I've had a cold since returning from skiing in Vail. It's been more annoying and frustrating than debilitating, but as it quickly went into my chest, I couldn't run for a week.

My plan was to begin running again the day after I returned, since the ski trip to Snowmass begins February 10th, and I need to stay in condition.

This week, despite still being somewhat sick, I was determined to do what I could. So, on Sunday, I ran about 1.75 miles. I ran a little more on Monday, yet a little more on Wednesday, and today I ran 2.76 miles, my farthest yet.

In many ways, this slow, incremental progress in my running mirrors the slow, incremental progress in my sobriety.

Sometimes I feel like I can keep going forever. My energy is high, I'm feeling strong and confident, it feels comfortable and easy, and I love doing something that I know is so good for me physically, mentally and emotionally.

Other times, though, it's all I can do to push on, to make myself put on my shorts and tie my shoelaces, and even as I head out, I'm thinking, I just can't do this today; it's too hard.

Those days, when it seems just too hard, I have to tell myself, Just do what you can today. Just go the distance. You can walk part of the way if you need to.

So, I start out, and at first, it's just like I'm fearing. No energy. Every breath an effort. My knee throbs.

But, I keep going, very slowly, really only jogging at first. Please, God, just help me get through the first block... Okay, we made that, let's keep going. My pace picks up a bit. We can at least do a mile!

By the time I'm up to the .5 mile mark, I'm feeling good, actually ENJOYING the run. A goofy grin breaks out on my face, but I don't care.

I can keep going forever.

MIA

2007-01-23T14:38:00.000-06:00

Hey, everyone! Sorry about the lack of postiness.

Just got back from a week in Vail, and I'm a little under the weather with a cold or allergies (hopefully, just the latter).

Vail was great!!! I skied 6 days and improved significantly (on the last 2 days, I was actually starting to get the hang of doing moguls, getting a rhythm down, etc.). I'm sore and bruised (if you're not falling, you're not challenging yourself enough, right?), but I had a blast and didn't want to leave. I can't wait to go to Snowmass on February 10th!

Will post pics when I get them.

I'll do more of an update later, but just wanted to let y'all know I'm okay.

Love you all! MUAH!! xoxo

Surrender

2007-01-08T13:43:00.000-06:00

Surrender.

It's a word we use a lot in AA.

Most of the time, I think I've heard it, and certainly understood it, relative to the concept of powerlessness. We admit that we are powerless over alcohol, and then surrender our desire to drink, our desire to have power over the desire to drink, our desire to control our drinking over to God, or at least God or a Higher Power as we understand him (or her or it or them). It's the waving of the white flag (and hence, the white chip) that signals to our peers and to ourselves AND to God, "I give up. You win. Take it."

I think that concept is valid. I could be wrong on a point or two here, or oversimplifying, but overall, that at least has been my understanding of surrender.

Last night my understanding of surrender grew.

A person who is a friend of my husband, but whom I personally dislike, was coming to stay at our house overnight so that R could drive him to the airport early this morning. There are a number of reasons I do not like this person, some reasonable, and some not. I was in a bad mood, depressed and irritable all day, and my mood was growing worse as evening approached.

I thought about drinking. R was going to be gone for over an hour while he went to pick this guy up from where he's been staying. I knew I had a window where I could run to the grocery store and get a bottle of wine. I entertained the idea for about 90 seconds, then decided I'd better hurry up and get dinner going so I could get to the women's meeting at 7:00 PM.

Somehow, I miscalculated the time I needed to cook, and so at 6:53 PM, I was just pulling the pork roast and herb-roasted sweet potatoes from the oven, and seasoning the steamed green beans. I knew I wasn't going to make it to the meeting. I just wanted to sit down on the kitchen floor and sob.

That was a choice I could make. Another would be to storm around, muttering under my breath, slamming doors and drawers and thinking murderous thoughts (because, after all, if it hadn't been for R's friend, WHOM I CAN'T STAND, this wouldn't be happening!!!). Or option number 3: I could pray and ask God to help me to accept this situation, be a gracious hostess, enjoy the delicious meal I'd made, and endeavor to make the evening enjoyable for all of us.

I chose the third option.

It dawned on me then that the reason I had briefly entertained the thought of drinking was up until four months ago, that was the only way I knew how to get through a situation like this. Once I'd had a glass of wine or a shot of vodka, I could calm down, and accept the situation and try to make the best of it. I realized, I DON'T NEED TO DO THAT NOW!!! Instead of drinking, I prayed, I made a conscious choice to turn my will over to God, and I let him direct me in the action I needed to take, and then took that action.

I still don't like R's friend, and I still don't like him staying with us, or even coming around, but I know I now have the tools to handle the awkwardness and discomfort I feel in those situations without drinking or being a bitch, and that's freakin' awesome.

120 Days

2007-01-07T07:36:00.000-06:00

Yay me.

I'm excited about the 120 days.

Really.

I'm just so darn frustrated with Blogger that it's got me pissed off about everything else at this moment.

Pardon me for a sec.

*Ahem*

Serenity now! Serenity NOW! SERENITY NOW!!!!!

There. That's better.

(I think I may be a little hormonal for some reason.)

P.S. I've disabled the word verification feature and made it so anyone can comment. I'll see how that goes. Hopefully, that will make it easier for those of you who want to comment but have been frustrated by having to jump through all the hoops (and hopefully, I won't get slammed with spam).

Or it could be that I have no friends and no one wants to comment. Yeah... that's probably it, isn't it? No one likes me. Might as well go eat worms. :D

Blogger's Pushing My Buttons

2007-01-06T16:43:00.000-06:00

I'm so frustrated with Blogger right now. I know this is NOT A BIG DEAL, but it's just making me feel depressed and angry. Probably tapping into all my control issues (and yes, I have quite a few).

I'm about at the point of deciding to just quit blogging.

Again, I KNOW this is not that big a deal.

Why is this bothering me so much??? I think it's because it makes me feel completely powerless, and I hate feeling that way.

I mean, I KNOW I'm powerless over alcohol. I can accept that, admit it, even embrace it. I don't always LIKE that it's true, but I KNOW it's true. I can make choices to live my life without it, in a positive, passionate, productive manner. I can turn it over to my HP, and let him handle it for me.

This crap is different. I should have SOME FREAKIN' MODICUM OF CONTROL over my damn blog. *Grrrrrrrrrr*

If It Ain't Broke...

2007-01-06T08:50:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I made the switch, and upgraded my template to one of the "layout" versions, where you can drop and drag stuff, and change the font colors and page elements, etc.

All good, lotsa fun, etc.

Except, NOW, people who haven't yet made the switch, or aren't using the "layout" templates or SOMETHING ELSE I DON'T HAVE ANY FREAKIN' IDEA OF are showing up as "Anonymous" in the comments.

Does anyone know what's up with this, and if it can be fixed?

I'm wishing now I had just left things as they were.

I'm going to try to get to the bottom of this, and if there's a fix, implement it, but I'm not sure if that's even an option (yet) with this new version of Blogger. So, Blogging Peeps, can you please bear with this situation for now, and just add your name to your post when you comment?

I should have just left well enough alone. You know what they say: If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

*Sigh*

Saturday Gratitudes

Right now, this is the worst of my problems.

Skiing in Vail is only a week away!!!

Great fellowship with my church homegroup (not AA) last night.

Great meetings (AA) this week.

A speaker meeting to look forward to later today.

So far, I've not been struck with the cold and flu crud everyone else is getting (knock on wood).

Getting healthier and stronger, mentally, physically and spiritually.

My metabolism finally kicking into a higher gear.

My sweet hubby.

My (mostly) sweet kitty-kat.

Awesome blogging peeps.

Awesome RL peeps.

AA offers us a solution.

God never gives up on us or abandons us.

Relief from frustration and stress is only as far away as my knees and my Nikes.

Nike Time

2007-01-05T11:10:00.000-06:00

Okay, time to just do it.

For years, fear has prevented me from taking risks, from trying new things, from just getting out there, involved in life.

So, I'm moving ahead in my fear today.

I'm just going to go ahead and do it, and switch over to the new version of Blogger (I AM going to back up my template first, though!).

Here goes nothing...

UPDATE:
Okay, tried it, but they said it won't work for some reason or another, AT THIS TIME. Grrrr... I wonder if it's because I'm not using one of their templates???

UPDATE 2:
Now I've switched to one of their templates, and they STILL won't let me switch. Double Grrrr....

UPDATE 3, 12:35 AM 01/06/07:
Yay!!! Success at last. (Try it again, Scout.)

True Confessions

2007-01-02T22:23:00.000-06:00

I have a confession to make.

I used to get really mad when Scott W. would say things like (and I'm paraphrasing here) "You kept me sober today."

I wondered what the heck he meant. Was he making fun of me when I relapsed? Was he trivializing my multiple attempts at sobriety? Was he taking my inventory and finding that I came up woefully short?

I understand what he meant now. At least, I think I do.

The past two evenings, I've been at meetings where someone has shared, and I've thought, "There, but for the grace of God, go I." Hearing these stories, I'm rawly and newly aware of how narrowly I've escaped relapsing in the past weeks, when I've been finding excuses and reasons not to attend meetings, when I've cut off contact with my sponsor, and when I've begun to romanticize drinking and entertaining the thought that maybe I'm not a REAL alcoholic after all, and that I should just maybe TRY some controlled drinking and see how that goes.

Yeah. Right. Like I don't KNOW how that would go.

Tonight J shared. He was 3 weeks away from a year, from getting his MEDALLION, and he went back out. His wife (or girlfriend) came with him. She cried most of the meeting. He admitted he wasn't sober, but had come anyway to confess and pick up a white chip and start the day count over.

When we were in Raleigh recently, I had drinking dreams 2 nights in a row. They scared me, and thank God, they made me realize what I was allowing to happen, and how my thinking had wandered into insane territory again. I'm frightened because I'm going on a ski trip in less than 2 weeks, and it would be VERY easy for me to drink there and feel as if I'd "gotten away with it."

I don't WANT to get away with it though. I don't want to DRINK. I like my life sober SO much better than what it was like when I was drinking. I don't want to lose this new life. I don't want to have to start over. I don't want to put my husband through the kind of misery I watched that woman go through tonight.

So, at tomorrow's meeting, I'm going to say all this out loud. What my thinking has been. What I haven't been doing that I should be doing. How I'm scared that I'll drink again unless I start really working the program.

I think I need to start fresh, with a new sponsor. My sponsor is GREAT, but she's not right for me. I need someone who sees the role of faith in a similar way, and whose concept of God is nearer to mine. I'm not quite sure how to tell M (my sponsor) this, but I need to try. I owe her that, and I owe it to myself to start living honestly.

I've realized something else over the past couple of days. Not drinking is not the same as being and living sober. I want to be sober, and I want to live sober, not just to not drink.

I owe each and every one of you in this little circle of recovering friends a huge debt of gratitude, because you have played a huge role in my NOT picking up a drink in the last month or so.

But, I know I need to do more, and I know what it is.

So, as Scott W. would probably tell me, I need to Just.Do.It.

Ode to a Cupcake Monkey

2007-01-02T12:23:00.000-06:00

There once was a girl named Tab,
Who authored a blog that was fab!
It got to be too much
(What with work and such);
Now Tab has no time to gab.

Farewell, our little (((Cupcake Monkey)))! You will be greatly missed by all of us who have come to know and love you (Boots is so broken up, he's comatose). Come back to the blogosphere whenever you have a chance.

We'll be saving you a seat.

MUAH! MUAH! xoxo

January 1, 2007

2007-01-01T11:23:00.000-06:00

A new year.

The first year out of the last several that I haven't had to make a resolution to stop drinking, because I stopped 114 days ago, and I'm seeing that being sober is a very good thing, and infinitely better than continuing to drink.

So, as I stop a moment and take inventory, what DO I want to accomplish, what goals DO I want to achieve this year?

To continue getting healthy, mentally, physically and spiritually.

To begin focusing more on others.

To rediscover what my passions are, and to pursue them, or at least begin to pursue them.

To never, ever take for granted all that God has given me: friends, support, family, love, and health (just to name a few).

I'm so thankful for this gift of sober living. I'm grateful that I have good meetings to go to. I'm grateful for people I can call, who understand and talk me through a bad moment, or a bad day. I'm grateful that I have a husband who loves me enough to not bring alcohol into my presence, and who was happy to toast the new year in with apple juice and lemon-lime seltzer. I'm grateful that God is working in me, and is changing my attitudes and thought patterns, even my desires. I'm thankful that I started this new year with no hangover, and no panic, remorse or regret over what I did last night. I'm grateful that things worked out for a friend to house-sit for us while we were away, so that my sweet little Boots was well cared for and loved, and that Boots has finally forgiven us for going away. I'm grateful for a new year, a fresh, blank slate, as Mary Christine so eloquently stated.

I'm grateful for you, my wonderful blogging friends. May 2007 be a magnificent year for all of you—for all of us!!

half-nAAked path to serenity

2006-12-21T10:37:00.000-06:00

Okay, officially this doesn't qualify as HNT material 'cuz I'm not in it, but this is the path I ran this morning, courtesy Google Earth. I don't know if you can see the teeny-tiny numbers, but it's 2.04 miles! Up until today, I hadn't made it to the 2 mile mark. I'll never catch up with Mary Christine, but that's okay. I'm doing this for me, for my health (mental and physical), and my serenity, which is CRUCIAL to my sobriety. Come see some of my fellow runners in this race known as sober living at Half-nAAked Thursday.

Boots Got Tagged

2006-12-20T17:00:00.000-06:00

My cat, Boots, got tagged by Tab's cat, Jasper to do a list of 6 Weird Things. Boots has his own blog, so go you can see his list here.

Wrong Foot

2006-12-20T09:44:00.000-06:00

*Sigh* I must have gotten out of bed on the wrong foot—or rather, on the wrong side—this morning.

Nothing's really wrong. I'm not dealing with huge issues of loss and grief, or overwhelming depression, or anything majorly serious. I'm just a little grumpy, for some reason.

Okay, I KNOW part of the reason is this: I've ordered a bunch of stuff online (compulsive buying is one of my alternate unhealthy coping mechanisms, so it kinda kicked into full gear when I quit drinking 3 months ago), a lot of which I'm going to return today. One of these things is a pair of jeans that I ordered in 2 sizes, not knowing which would fit better. Well, now the ones I was planning to return just about fit, and if I lose 2—3 more pounds, which has been my goal since starting on my diet and exercise plan, they'll fit (I can get into them comfortably now, but it won't hurt to lose another pound or 2). So—cut to the chase, DG!—I put the jeans on and showed my husband and asked what he thought.

R's response: "Do you really think you're going to be able to stay at that size once you go off the diet?"

Grrrrr.

Okay, okay.

I KNOW this is just a typical man's response (no offense to you guys out there, but you have a reputation as being a little thick-headed when it comes to these kind of things, especially in relationship issues). But, did he HAVE to respond with a question that makes me feel he's undermining me, and has no faith in my ability to stick with anything?

I KNOW I'm being paranoid and narcissistic about this, and I need to quit focusing on myself and on the negative. I just have to get this off my chest, though, before I explode.

I'm going to finish my coffee and go for a run.

I'll check back with y'all later.

100 days / skiing sober

2006-12-18T13:00:00.000-06:00

This is a blatant request for HELP!!! and input from all you fellows and fellowettes out there.

Here's the deal. I'm going skiing in Vail, CO, January 13—21. I'm hugely psyched, I've started running to get in shape, I've got my skis, boots and poles, the travel arrangements have been made, and I'm 100 DAYS SOBER (100 Days!!! I didn't realize it 'til I just typed it!).

Last year, when I went skiing, though, I drank. I'll be with some of my same friends (at least one of whom knows I've quit drinking and am determined not to drink while there, and will support me) and others who don't know me. I'm intending to not drink, but I know I need to arm myself with more than good intentions.

Does anyone out there know of some good meetings I can go to while there? I've never been to Vail, so am not familiar with the layout of the town. I did look up an online listing of meetings there (scroll down the page to Vail), but I have no point of reference. I would imagine I can get to them via public transportation (which is very good in ski areas), once we get there, though. We're going to be staying at Landmark Tower.

Any tips you can give me will be appreciated. I'm so excited, because I know I'm going to ski so much better without alcohol in my system and minus the morning hangover, but I just don't want to take any chances on giving in to temptation, should it present itself.

Thanks!!!

Soupy Saturday Gratitude

2006-12-16T11:25:00.000-06:00

Today is drizzly and gray. A day my Mama would describe as "soupy." Despite the weather, I went for a short run this morning. Due to the humidity, as I sit here typing in my running clothers, I'm still quite damp.

But I feel good, and am very aware of so much for which I'm grateful this morning.

Today is R's and my 17th wedding anniversary.

R's waking me up this morning with the Barney Rubble Happy Anniversay song. :)

Not going ballistic when I drove off with my cell phone on top of my car, and it fell off in the middle of Federal Highway, where R found it 45 minutes later.

R is an engineering genius and was able to take parts from his old cell phone and fix mine, after it had been run over numerous times.

Having a meltdown last night at home BEFORE getting to the church for the Christmas play performance, but not yelling or cussing or screaming or blaming anyone else in the midst of it.

A very loving and supportive husband, who tolerates the occasional meltdown because he understands that sometimes his wife just doesn't know how to cope with her fear and anxiety, but that she's trying to learn.

Singing a solo without pre-medicating.

My mother-in-law being such an easy houseguest.

Realizing that broken dishes can be replaced, but not allowing my mother-in-law to help out in the kitchen would do irreparable damage to our relationship.

98 days of sobriety.

A wonderful support network, both IRL and virtual.

Beginning to learn to take things as they come, and to turn them over to my HP, and seeing that when I do, it's not more than we can handle together.

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions.
—Alchoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, pp. 87-88

half-nAAked Stress Relief

2006-12-14T11:59:00.000-06:00

While I'm no Mary Christine, these days I've begun reaching for my shoelaces, instead of for the bottle when I'm stressed. See some of those who inspire, motivate, and encourage me to keep running at Half-nAAked Thursday.

A First

2006-12-12T12:34:00.000-06:00

So, this morning, I'm sitting at the breakfast table after having just vomited, trying to force down a few bites of hard-boiled eggwhite.

Yep, this is my life these past few days. So stressed out that I toss my cookies before breakfast.

What am I stressed about? Honestly, I have no clue. Or, at least not much of one.

Lessee... There's the Christmas Extravaganza at church in which I'm singing a solo on Friday and Saturday nights... My mother-in-law is coming this morning at around 10:00 to stay with us for a week and I haven't hit a lick at a snake... Four days after she leaves, we're flying up to North Carolina for a visit with my folks for 10 days... Haven't even THOUGHT about Christmas shopping or putting up a tree or decorating the house... Or CARDS! I totally forgot about cards or a newsletter or anything, and a lot of people don't even know we've moved!... We have rats in the attic and R won't let me call an exterminator because HE wants to take care of it HIS way, and apparently, in HIS own sweet time... When am I going to have time to get a pedicure before Friday night?... We still haven't finished unpacking, and we've been here since AUGUST!... What are we going to do with Boots, while we're away for 10 days??... Why does Boots keep bringing in lizards, instead of hunting down those darn rats???

Anyway, back to the breakfast table.

I'm sitting there, willing the nausea to abate (to no avail), and the thought crosses my mind, You used to drink over stuff like this.

Another thought immediately follows: That sure as heck wouldn't help anything!

Okay, okay, I know this probably just seems like a normal conversation everyone has in their heads all the time.

But, this was a first for me! For the thought alcohol would only make things worse to come, unbidden, to mind—without my having to consciously think through how it would make things worse, and then convince myself that the short-term alleviation of stress is soooo not worth the long-term result of taking a drink again—is an absolute breakthrough for me!

And, I'm celebrating, by golly. Dove dark chocolate, here I come.

6 Weird Things

2006-12-09T23:27:00.000-06:00

Okay, I'm doing this 'cuz I got tagged by Carly, so even though I normally hate participating in things of this nature, I'm going to be a good sport and play, 'cuz I loves me Carly-girl. :)

6 Weird Things About Me

When I clean my ears with a Q-tip, it always makes me sneeze.

When I cook, I have to begin with a clean kitchen, even if it means doing the dishes first.

I'm terrified of speaking in public, but I sing solos in church, and I'm pissed that I'm too old for American Idol.

I normally don't shower until late afternoon or early evening, even if I get up early, unless I have somewhere to go earlier in the day.

I absolutely have to read something, even if only for 5 minutes, before I can go to sleep at night.

When I was small, I was terrified of monkeys, and frequently woke up screaming from nightmares involving monkeys (I have no idea where that fear originated).

So, now I tag... Mary Christine, Pam, Redhead Gal, Tampa Realtor, dAAve, and JJ. Please don't hate me! I had to tag somebody!! :D

The Rules: Each player of this game starts with the 6 Weird Things About You. People who get tagged need to write a blog entry of their own 6 Weird Things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged!" in their comments and tell them to read your blog!

Something to Celebrate

2006-12-08T22:41:00.000-06:00

I went to my home group tonight to pick up my 90 Day chip.

It was awesome!

I was expecting...

I'm not sure.

Questions? Rejection? Accusations? Hostility?

You see, it had been about a month since I'd been to my home group.

I had been too ashamed to go back because of my long absence (a direct result of listening to the stupid, stupid disease voice), but made up my mind tonight to go because I WANTED THAT FREAKIN' 90 DAY CHIP, and also, I thought it was kinda selfish for me NOT to go and let my home group celebrate with me.

Seriously. Despite my recent prolonged absence, I wouldn't have made it to 90 days if not for them.

My sponsor was there, too. Everyone was absolutely fantastic, assuring me of their understanding, acceptance and genuine love. And, giving me some much needed ass-kicks, too. I definitely will endeavor NOT to fall into the trap of listening to that voice and not going to my fave meetings again.

The topic of tonight's meeting was living in the present, or staying in today.

It could not have been more appropriate for me, in light of my recent struggles. I shared, and told on myself, and how I've been struggling emotionally and even wanting to drink again (not in the past couple of days, but as recently as last Sunday, as I shared in previous posts), and how I realize that this has ALL been because I'm NOT living in the present or staying in today.

I've been romanticizing the past and projecting into the future.

No wonder I've been going nuts. What a catharsis! What a freakin' dumb-ass I've been!!!!

Okay, everyone together, now... 1, 2, 3... "We told you so!" :D