Skiing and Sobriety

I just got back from a glorious week, skiing in Colorado. It had been more than 15 years since I'd been skiing, and I was pleasantly amazed at how it all came back to me. I took a refresher course, too, so I'm totally pumped now!

Unfortunately, it wasn't such a good week for me in the sobriety department. Not only did I not tell anyone on the trip with me that I have a problem with alcohol, but I chose to drink every day, and to excess on two occasions.

If I had just made the decision not to drink without making a big deal about it, that would have been okay.

Or even if I had said to my friend who invited me, "Hey, I am trying to go alcohol-free this year," that would have been cool.

No one was pressuring me to drink.

I just did because it was an opportunity to do it and get away with it, since neither my husband, nor any friends I've shared my problem with were on the trip.

The opportunity didn't sneak up on me, either. I thought about it for weeks before. This would be a chance for me to drink without censure.

I know I should be feeling ashamed and guilty, but I'm just feeling numb about it at this point.

I don't feel good about it, but I'm not sure I want to think that much about it at all. Because to do so will mean having to make choices I don't feel ready to make right now.

Brutally Honest

It's time I came clean about a something. I've been sober for 10 weeks now, EXCEPT that I have had an alcoholic beverage on two occasions during that time. On November 4th, I had about six ounces of "mulled" wine that had actually been boiled, and definitely did not have any alcoholic punch left in it. And, on December 3, I had about 4 ounces of a very weak Bloody Mary.

I didn't get drunk.

I didn't drink to excess.

Heck, I didn't even get a buzz.

But, I drank.

I had an opportunity to make an informed, intelligent and rational choice, and on both occasions, I chose to do the one thing that I know I have no business doing.

Knowing this fact, and knowing what it implies about my resolve and inner strength scares the crap out of me.

And this is where AA would say I need to just not drink today and go to a meeting.

There is a great deal of validity in the simplicity of that approach, because at least during the time you're on your way to and at the meeting, you're thinking about not drinking and consciously, actively choosing not to drink, and you're encouraged and supported by people who truly understand how hard that can be.

The problem with this approach by itself is that it doesn't help me in confronting and conquering what is there that motivates me to make a decision I know is so harmful to myself and to others.

And I think that's the key.

If I can get a handle on that, I think eventually I'll not WANT to drink.

Sigh . . . (expletives deleted)

I'm f***ing depressed. When I'm depressed, it tends to come out from time to time as irrational anger, even rage. Or, I just become emotionally paralyzed or constantly weepy, walking around with a sadness so profound that my throat chronically aches and I feel as if I have a physical weight pressing me down.

I can't do anything to fix a lot of the things that are at the root of the depression. So I'm even more depressed, and growing despondent and anxious. I just want not to feel this way. If I can't fix what's wrong, I just want to make the feelings stop.

Drinking really works. I don't want to drink (I do want to, but I don't want to start that cycle up again). I need another way to deal with this that feels as good or is as numbing as drinking.

Please don't tell me this is a spiritual issue and that I need to find God. I know God. I have a relationship with God (even though it's pretty dead right now). I can't touch God and I can't see God, though. I can talk to him, but I might as well talk to the wall.

What I need is for my husband to not keep going to school, but to get a real job making real money so that we can get the house fixed and buy the furniture we need and get my dissolving fillings in my teeth replaced. What I need is not to feel that I'm waiting for my life to start up again, like I'm just living in a state of limbo or "hold" right now. This was supposed to last 2 years, and we're now entering the third year, and he's applying for a damn PhD program now.

This came out yesterday when I lost it and told him I was sick and tired of him being in school and that if he didn't get a real job I was going to divorce him. Of course, he just chalked this up to frustration and hormones on my part. So, I know I'm just holding this in, but this is how I really feel, and if I try to tell him this rationally, he'll just see it as my being non-supportive.

*Sigh*

Note: Edited to delete f-bombs -- that's just not me, unless I'm really ballistic, and it's sure not something I want anyone I know IRL to stumble across and read, and think "Hmmmm . . . Didn't know she had such a potty mouth!" I do, but only when I'm raging. (How sad is it that I don't care if people know I'm a bitchy hormonal drunk, but I do care if they know I can cuss like a sailor?)

I Can't Get No Satisfaction

I'm feeling restless, apprehensive, and generally dissatisfied, and personal history proves that this is a very dangerous place for me to be sobriety-wise, as I tend not to recognize that such uneasiness often precedes a relapse or binge (as applicable per case). And I just hit week 7, so I don't want to blow it. (Yes, that's right, folks . . . 7 continuous, beautiful weeks of S-O-B-R-I-E-T-Y!!!)

A lot of this current apprehension stems from the fact that I'm not happy in my most recently chosen fields of work. I LOVE the creative aspects of web design, and I find the challenge of learning how to do the things I visualize to be very stimulating. But, I HATE the way clients are never quite satisfied, or how their expectations turn out to be completely different from what they tell you they want at the initial consultation and even after they sign off on the written proposal, or how they expect you to keep doing general maintenance and updating their sites for free indefinitely (um, can you say "reality check?").

I have found a magic little phrase, though, that tends to stop them dead in their tracks when they want me to do "one more little thing." This is it. You'll want to take notes.

Me:I'll be happy to do that, but I'll have to invoice that as a separate item and bill it at my hourly rate.
Client: [Silence]
Me: Hello? Are you still there?
Client: [Clears throat] Uh, let's hold off on doing that for now. I'll get back to you on it later.

Problem solved.

My other "career venture" is not even worth mentioning, except to note that it is stressing me out more than it's doing anything else, and I should probably cut my losses and get out before I get in too deep.

Yes, it's a multi-level marketing plan, a pyramid scheme, whatever you want to call it.

No, it's not Amway.

Yes, I'm unbelievably stupid and gullible to have gotten suckered into it.

Oh, you'd like more information? Let me tell you about this wonderful opportunity to be your own boss and earn over $1,000 a month while working only 6 hours a week . . .

Woo-Hoo! I'm Syndicated, Baby!

Got this in an email today:

Congratulations!!!

Our editors have selected your newsfeed to be featured in one of our Top 10 Sources sites. You can view the site that features your site by clicking here:
http://womens-health.TopTenSources.com/TopTenSources/

So, at first I'm thinking it's a hoax, and I won't click on anything, but then I googled the TopTenSources.com bit, got to the site, and actually found where I was listed, so it's not a hoax.

I have mixed emotions about this, mainly because this was my semi-private blog, and I express a lot of emotions and talk candidly about a lot of stuff in it that I don't want to have come back up IRL and bite me in the butt. So the paranoid part of me is going, "Ooooh. Not a good thing for the secrecy and privacy issues."

But, to be perfectly honest, another part of me is going "Yeah, Baby! You're on the radar now!"

How shallow is that?

5 Weeks and Counting . . .

Maybe it's not a good thing to count. I've been sober for over 5 weeks now (it was 5 weeks Wednesday), but I haven't been to AA for over 3 weeks, so I'm a little scared that I'm being too complacent, and that by doing nothing, I'm setting myself up for a relapse. SO . . . I'm going to kick myself in the butt and make sure I get to a meeting Monday (I really like that meeting - it's the all women, small group thing).

I'm not really jonesing for a drink, but I still get that little mumps-gland twinge when I see wine at the grocery store, or see ads for cocktail mixers or cocktail recipes, so I know I'm just fooling myself and playing with fire not to keep going to meetings.

I have to admit, though, that part of why I don't like going is that there seems to be this attitude of "you can't do this without us," and while I think there's a ton of strength in the form of encouragement, support, and solidarity and the ability to be candid and totally honest, AA is not the be-all and end-all of a person's ability to stay sober. I know I'm flirting with danger here, kinda appearing to be heading off in the I-can-freakin'-do-this-on-my-own territory, but there is a balance. Yes, AA is a wonderful resource, but there's a lot to be said for finding the strength we have within, too. They are not mutually exclusive, but what bugs me about AA is that AA tends to ignore or deny the element of individual, personal strength, ability, and determination that I think has to go hand-in-hand with the decision to not drink and stay on the path of recovery.

That's all I've got to say about that, at least for now. I've been really busy with a new "career" venture, which is the main reason I haven't been going to meetings or posting, but I'm starting to become a little discouraged in that arena, so I know I have to really be on my guard right now.

They Shoot Chipmunks, Don't They?

This is not a menopause or sobriety post. This is a I'm-so-freaked-out-because-my-adorable-little-cat-keeps-bringing-in-adorable-little-chipmunks-and-maiming-them post.

Seriously. I don't know what to do. Someone suggested I put the panel back in the pet door so that when he tries to come in, I'll hear him and I can go look to see if he's got a chipmunk and not let him if he does. That's great, except - what if I'm in the shower, or on the phone, or in the bathroom? I don't want him to get the idea that when he's outside, home is not the place he can always return to. I've worked hard to make him feel that this is his safe place, and I don't want to start deterring him from coming home.

On the other hand, I don't know how many more chipmunks with paralyzed back legs (I'm guessing a broken spine) I can take, or worse (for us, anyway) not finding one until it a) dies behind a wall and starts stinking, or b) has a litter in my pantry.

And, as much as I think chipmunks are second only to bunnies in the cute rodent category, they ARE rodents (I don't really count bunnies as rodents, but I guess they really are when it comes to poop pellets and babies and cat-appeal).

There's also the whole issue of letting Boots know I appreciate his hunting prowess, while attempting to discourage his bringing me his trophies. I don't want to punish him for being a cat, but according to my latest calculations, he has bagged the following: a baby rabbit, a baby bird, a humming bird, a gazillion butterflies, cicadas, and grasshoppers, and at least 5 chipmunks. Oh, and earthworms. Apparently, he's taking the early bird metaphor literally.

Taking the Plunge

Well, I did it. I finally got up my nerve to go to AA. Or, rather, things finally got so bad that I finally realized I can't do this sobriety thing by myself, which is one reason I keep screwing it up.

I was pleasantly amazed. I felt very welcome, and very much like I had plenty in common with the others at the meeting. It was a closed discussion, women only, meeting in a church. There were only 8 or 9 of us. I even shared part of my story, which if you knew me, you'd know how huge that is. I'm painfully shy in groups where everyone is a stranger, and the situation is frighteningly new to me. I always feel that I'm going to be judged. Tonight, I didn't feel that I was being judged at all. Just accepted for who I am, in my current place on the journey toward sobriety.

I'm actually looking forward to going back.

How You Know It's Really Love

It's really love when you let him watch the shows he wants, even though you're freaking bored out of your mind.

It's really love when you don't buy that bottle of wine, because you'd rather see that sweet smile instead of disappointment and anger on his face at your being drunk again.

(Is it just too sad that I can't come up with any more than 2 points??)

Ready to Restart, Again

Well, I've ended up drinking for most of an entire week now, but somehow, I've managed not to do it publicly, or even in a way that my DH knows, although I think he may just be in extreme denial of the obvious.

I've reached that point again, though, where I'm just questioning why I'm doing it in the first place. It's not relieving any stress, I'm not even enjoying it (can't seem to get a good buzz going, and I end up realizing I've gone over the edge where it's too much and not pleasant at all), and combined with the HRT, I've managed to pack on an extra 4 to 5 pounds in a week's time (I also tend to eat a lot more when I drink, unlike many drinkers who eat nothing or eat less, and I eat food that's higher in fat and calories than I normally do). On my small-boned 5-foot frame, that's quite a bit extra, and it shows, and is impacting my wardrobe very negatively (as in, nothing at all fits except for sweat pants). Maybe it's because I've drunk mostly vodka this time, rather than wine, that I'm not enjoying it. Whatever, the reason, I just feel like I'm ready to give sobriety another good long shot.

I do have to say that one reason I had such good luck with it for nearly a month is that my DH was home (he didn't work all that time), so 1) I didn't really have the opportunity I normally do with him being gone during the week to purchase alcohol, and then to have uninterrupted hours to drink, and 2) I wasn't lonely and depressed, so I wasn't motivated to drink, as I normally am. I think the most difficult thing for me to learn to do will be just to cope on a daily, or even hourly basis when I'm by myself, and not want to just numb my senses and while away the time by losing it in a stupor.

Blowing It

Well, I totally blew my nearly month-long run of sobriety. Did it sneak up on me and take me unawares? No. I big fat planned it out. Which maybe is why I didn't even enjoy it.

I went to lunch with my friend on Thursday. She was already seated when I arrived 10 minutes late, and had ordered a Diet Coke. She wasn't sitting there already sipping a glass of Pinot Grigio or Chianti. So what do I do? When the waitress comes to take my drink order, I look at my friend and ask "Is that all you're going to have?" So I guilt her into having a glass with me, even though she's "trying to be good" for caloric reasons, not drinking issues, which she doesn't have as far as I know.

All well and good. I completely enjoy the glass of wine, I'm eating, so I just have the slightest and most pleasant little buzz when we leave, but as we've spontaneously decided to go get manis and pedis and I'm anticipating being utterly pampered for an hour, I say "Too bad we didn't have another glass of wine."

On the way home (after the nail place), I stop at the liquor store, but since they don't have the UV Citruv I want, I don't buy anything, but I KNOW I'm going to get it the next day when the DH is out of town for 2 days, because I want a veg-out day in front of the tube, accompanied by pretty pink martinis.

I do go the next day, and make my purchase, and proceed to try to get drunk. I finally have to up the ratio of liquor to mixer by 3 in order to start feeling anything other than a mild fuzziness. I'm feeling pretty much in the zone for about 20 minutes, and then I wake up when it's dark, drooling on the leather couch, and manage to make my way back to the bedroom, where I crawl into bed with my makeup on and teeth unbrushed and sleep until dawn the next morning.

So what was the frigging point?

Googling Menopause

Actually, I've been googling hormone replacement therapy. Here's one thing I found that's a little scary:

Risk factors of osteoporosis include:

• Age–risk increases as you grow older


• Being a woman–women have less bone tissue and lose bone faster than men


• Body size–small, thin-boned women are at greatest risk


• Ethnicity–white and Asian women are at highest risk


• Family history–having parents with a history of fractures


• Sex hormones–abnormal absence of menstrual periods (amenorrhea) or menopause


• Anorexia


• Lifetime diet low in calcium and vitamin D


• Certain medications, such as glucocorticoids (prescribed for various diseases, including arthritis, asthma, and lupus) or some anticonvulsants


• Physical inactivity or extended bed rest


• Cigarette smoking


• Excessive use of alcoholic beverages

Okay, so I'm reading this list, and I'm thinking Me. Me. Me., checking them off as I read. The only ones that don't pertain are physical inactivity or extended bed rest and cigarette smoking. Although I smoked about a pack a day (more when I was drinking at a bar), I quit over 20 years ago, and have only had maybe 10 or 15 cigarettes in all the years since then.

Then I get to the last one.

Excessive use of alcoholic beverages???!!

This is the first I've ever heard of that being a contributing factor to osteoporosis.

Crap. I'm screwed.

And, I've been SO wanting a drink (not in a gotta have one way, but just an ooh, a martini would be soooo good kinda way) for the last couple of days. I'm going to lunch with a friend on Thursday who's not in the loop on the alcohol-problem-self-outing, and this particular friend and I always have a glass of wine or two -- heck, let's just by a bottle-it's cheaper! -- when we go out for lunch, and then yesterday I was reading an article on summer entertaining, and there was a recipe for a lovely peach sangria, suggesting Gerwurtztraminer as the wine to use as a base, and I L-O-V-E Fetzer Gerwurtztraminer, so that got me to thinking that maybe I'd just pick up a bottle of that on the way home from my lunch date...

You see where this is leading. It's the whole alcoholic rationalization process that leads to the downward spiral back to where I was a month ago.

Maniacally Menopausal

Well, I had my follow-up visit with the OB-GYN doctor today to go over my blood work results. He said I'm fully into menopause. Not pre-. Not peri-. Not entering. Fully, as in full-blown-and-raging-all-out menopause.

I was a little surprised, a little sad (?), but mostly just relieved to know that no, I am NOT crazy, my hot flashes really HAVE increased exponentially in a very short time, and that some of the other crazy-hormonal stuff I've been pretty sure I was going through really does seem to be actually attributable to hormones gone wild.

I guess the real word I'm looking for is "validated." I feel validated. I'm NOT a crazy psycho bitch; I'm just maniacally menopausal!

I start hormone therapy tomorrow. Yay.

A Keeper?

Well, I think I may end up keeping this blog as my sobriety journal (or attempting sobriety journal). I need a place to be really honest about what all is going on with this, but it scares me a little to have it here, because my design blog is here, too, and anyone who knows I've got the design blog, or decides to do a search for "Aspixiated" could find it easily and I'm not all that sure I want the whole world knowing that I'm struggling with this. I'm okay doing the anonymous thing, or sharing it with others who are struggling with the same issues, but I'm not going to go downtown and shout it on the street corner, and so I don't really want people I know in real life stumbling across it in this format, either.

I need to give some thought to this whole thing before committing to deeply to this particular blog.

Coming Along

It's starting to shape up. Got a LOT more tweaking to do, though. Gotta get to bed right now, though. *Yawn!*

My Great Big First Post

Let's just get this baby launched . . .

We'll come back with some real meat and potatoes in a jiffy!