...And I want to drink like crazy.
It blows when you get sober and realize that you had excellent reasons to drink in the first place.
Like your life sucks, and you can't see a way out of your circumstances, or a way to make it better.
Like you feel trapped and stuck, and death really seems like a more pleasant option.
Like you feel if you have to endure 49 more years of this crap, you'd rather not have to experience it.
Like your husband has become merely your roommate, and the romance and passion, which have long since died, can never be rekindled, and you're only staying together because neither one of you is motivated enough to leave, or has the guts to do so.
Like if the only way to stay sober is to stay stuck at the same point for the next 40 years and go to meetings for the rest of your miserable life, you'd rather not, thank you very much.
I'm not going to drink today, but I sure as hell want to.
16 comments:
If you did drink today, how much better would your life be?
Those who have gone before us on the path of AA tell us that things change if we do what is suggested of us. All we have to do is trust the process and move forward, keep moving away from the drink.
Do you remember the last time you drank? Didn't answer or solve ANY of those questions you posed, did it. Nope, only makes it worse. I'm not speaking condesendingly, only from experience.
DEEP BREATHES - AS MANY AS IT TAKES! XXX
What they said. It's funny this thing called "sobriety". But all of those shitty feelings... shall pass.
For instance. I had jet lag on Sunday evening... and I felt horrible. I mean, I was just in a shitty mood, totally not spiritually fit. Well, after about 2 hours it passed, I felt a little better. Today is Tuesday, I feel like I may be coming down with a cold, but dammit, I feel awesome!
So don't forget... "This too shall pass".
And don't pick up, it will only make it worst!
;)
Jonathan
Actually, it did make it better, at least while I was so shit-faced that I didn't have to feel or experience anything. How the hell is this going to get better??? Don't tell me "this too shall pass." Right now that, and all the rest of the AA slogans seem like overly simplistic, trite, and meaningless platitudes. This is my life, AND IT SUCKS. And I don't know how to change it. I'm following the damn suggestions, AND IT'S NOT GETTING BETTER.
Hey Crabby Girl, you're still loved and lovable, isn't that amazing?! It's OK to be pissy and feel/think exactly what you're feeling/thinking -- and EXPRESS it!
I've heard time and time again that some days NOT DRINKING is as good as it gets. That said, you can always choose to drink. It's always an option. And then what?
I remember one time I was on a particularly snug and comfy pity pot, telling someone exactly why my life and I were especially fucked up, and his response to me was brilliant. He said, "Oh well." Those two words were two of the most powerful I've ever heard, 'cuz I need(ed) others to not make a big deal of shit *I* make a big deal about.
What works FOR ME when I'm feeling hopeless is to get the hell out of myself and get someone's hands on me. (I've spent every extra cent I have this past year doing so.)
- Get a haircut
- Get a massage or facial
- Get a pedicure
Consequently my hair has never been shorter and my feet have never been prettier! Only God knows when and how the hell your life situation is going to improve. But it sure as shit's gonna get worse if you drink. And if you're considering suicide, I hope you'll call your sponsor and/or 1-800-SUICIDE. They say if you commit suicide the first 5 years of sobriety, you're killing the wrong person.
That's all I've got. I love you. I hope this shit passes soon for you, 'cuz it sucks like crazy. xoxo
P.S. I'm sorry for all the cussing. Not sure what's up with that!
Whoa! Hold the phones. No one said anything about killing themselves. I just meant I'd rather blot out than feel, ya know—with alcohol.
I don't mind the cussing today, either, 'cuz I feel like shit, dammit, and if I want to cuss, and you want to cuss, hell, why the fuck not cuss?
:D Dammit, Carly. You made me smile!
Heh heh heh! I dunno why I'm rubbing my hands together and cackling like Mr. Burns on The Simpsons ... guess because YOU SMILED. Heh heh heh! :)
P.S. Drama queen that I am, I interpreted "death really seems like a more pleasant option" as suicidal thoughts. Sorry for overreacting! If you're cussing, then I'm not sorry for the fucking cussing after all! I take back that amends!
LOL @ the cussing thing!
I had an retort in my head before reading the other comments.
So ...
I bet that you can stay sober WITHOUT the meetings. You know how to do that now.
But I don't think you can progress in RECOVERY without the meetings, because that's why we go to them. In recovery, we learn to handle life as it happens and remain happy, joyous and free. Recovery does not happen in 80 days and is not finished in 80 months. It progresses over a lifetime. Enjoy the fellowship and don't give up 5 minutes before any of the miracles.
Hey girlie,
I don't have anything profound to write (though I wish) or something that you have not heard yet . . . just wanna say I love your human-ness. Bottom line is that you are a fighter and I encourage you to keep fighting this.
Congrats on the 80 days. I won't curse, I know I need to. I have a hard time expressing anger thru words (I do it other not so good ways, being tx for that) -- gonna get a punchin' bang. Will let you know how it goes, if it works for me perhaps it will work for you :)
Thank you so much for writting what you feel!
Having a desire to drink is about the most normal feeling in the world for an alcoholic. That's how we got this way.
I don't know you, but I do know how it feels to want to drink.
Cuss and scream your way thru it girl!
And ask God to remove the desire, in between the cussing and screaming. He's a pretty big guy......I've seen him do some Amazing things for alcoholics, and after all.....you're his baby girl. :)
Kind of what Scott said.
Your honesty is admirable and may help you stay sober; if you want to.
By all means drink but you'll hate yourself next day and the same shit will still be there when the booze runs out.
Dig deep - you can get through these feelings.
I'll remember you tonight when I'm on my knees - I do anyway and the rest of the gang.
Kenny x
After I got sober, probably around the 4 month mark or so, I caught myself looking at my wife one day and saying, "Who the fuck is that?" "How did I get married to her?". I realized that I barely knew her, sober that is. I wondered if my marriage would work moving forward. I wondered about a lot of things. Funny happened with time though, it all seems to work out fine. I learned that the one thing I cold control is HOW I would view the stuff happening in my life. I could either be half empty or half full. I chose the latter.
Half full worked for me. Try it. If not try reframing. Imagine your life as a movie. What would the audience be thinking right now?
one of my favorite 'tricks' i use at the moment to help me see things better is to imagine someone i love and admire / hold dear saying the things i am currently thinking. its like im observing a conversation except they are uttering the words i hear in my head. articulating my thoughts. i love this trick. i've been using it quite a lot lately. i find it very moving.
I'm late catching up on your post so I hope by now you're feeling more like a butterfly and less like a caterpillar.
No words of wisdom from me, just a hug.
Take care and do what is right for you.
xxx
of course you want to drink, we are alcoholics...this is how we cope........ I've felt every emotion you mentioned, the husband roommate thing, the everything sucks dialog. THIS IS THE DISEASE TALKING. it is jabbering in your head, Cunning,(its a mean mo-fuck...wants to kill you) Baffling (will confuse and jumble your thoughts) and Powerful (will move in and take over you head if you let it) We are here for you. Give it 24 hours at a time.
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