The almost firm plan now is for me to enter treatment on Monday, May 7. We found out our sucky insurance won't cover ANY of the $24K it's going to cost (geez! that's almost $1000.00 per day!!), so we're just going to put in on AmEx and then liquidate some of my investment accounts to pay off the credit card. R says that this is probably a good time to do it, since the market's been high lately. I know nothing about investments, mutual funds, the stock market, etc., so this completely terrifies me. All I know is that we currently have no income and we're gonna be paying out a big chunk of change.
And, I don't know if it's really even necessary. Lately, the following thoughts keep running through my head:
Do I really need to go to rehab, if I haven't hit rock bottom yet? I'm doing okay going to meetings, I've got a terrific sponsor and I've actually started doing the assignments she's given me for step 1. What am I going to learn in treatment that is so much more insightful and valuable that I can't learn it through listening to people share in the rooms, talking to my sponsor, and reading? Isn't it incredibly self-centered and selfish of me to take 28 days just to work on myself? How in heck do I justify that, when I've already put such a strain on mine and R's relationship, not to mention our finances?
And the one I am loathe to admit:
What if I put 28 days of my life into trying to change my outlook, beliefs, behaviors, thinking patterns, what-have-yous, and I go back home and it's still the same as it's always been? How can I change and go back to a life in which I've been so chronically miserable that I've felt the need to numb myself just to get through a day of it? What if nothing else changes???
I'm scared of going, and I'm scared of not going. This fear is paralyzing me. I don't know how to cope with it, except to pray, go to meetings, and call my sponsor. These all feel like mere stop-gap measures to me, though. I feel like a ticking time bomb, and no one knows exactly when the explosion will occur, but everyone knows it's imminent.
14 comments:
Oh honey, I am praying for you. Very hard.
I think it's very "alcoholic" that you used the term "rock bottom" instead of "bottom".
Are you thinking that you haven't had quite enough misery yet? ;)
I'm thinkin of you....ask God for guidence.
RHG: Thank you, sweetie! I need all the prayers anyone cares to send up right now, and I appreciate yours so much! :) ((hugs))
pam: I think you're misinterpreting what I was saying, probably because I wasn't stating it very well. I'm through. I've definitely had enough misery. I'll never have had enough to drink. (That's what makes me an alcoholic.)But, I'm done. I haven't had a drink for 20 days now, and I'm not picking up one today. I'm just questioning the widsom of pouring our financial resources into something that maybe I really don't need at this point, since I am doing better and beginning to actually work the program. It just seems terribly self-indulgent to me, and self-indulgence would be one of my huge character defects. What I'm trying to sort out is: Is the questioning just my alcoholism and fear, or is it the voice of reason? I think it's probably the former.
I loove the blog look. Cute cartoon girly and great layout/colours.
Rehab - I think I wrote last week you have to do what is right for you. If you go to rehab, you can always leave.
Thinking of you.
xxx
I can really relate to your ambivalence--it's so hard to be able to see both "sides" of a situation. Whatever happens, I hope you get some relief from living in your head so much (which I also really relate to).
And I don't think it's at all self-indulgent to go to re-hab. It seems like a rational plan to do some hard work that will benefit you and R AND your finances in THE LONG TERM, which is so hard to see when you're supposed to be thinking "one day at a time." It's not easy to make these decisions. I wish you all the luck and peace in the world...
The tell me that I have to go to any lengths for my sobriety. It sounds like you are making a great start on the any lengths thing.
I was just thinking the other day....Why do we hold on to our misery so dearly? What a fucked up disease,no?
I pray for you.
I hear you, DG. It's hard top sort that stuff out sometimes --is it fear or the voice of reason.....
I used to work in that rehab racket as a counselor. From that perspective I can say that sometimes people need some time to focus on themselves in a relatively safe environment and to take care of oneself can be the most self-LESS thing one can do for others who share their lives.
I will continue to watch your journey-no matter where it leads, k?
Love to you and love the new bloggy look. Say hello to Boots.
Peace,
Scout
I hope that no matter what you do, you will give yourself a break and stay sober, one day at a time.
I have been in the same boat recently. It's a higher power thing. I wish I had words of wisdom. Treatment can help give you space from you and the (if you have them) cravings for the deadly drink. Take care, keep posting, I want to hear how you are doing.
When I first went into rehab June 2005 I too researched. I found some very, VERY expensive centers. I was like "this is very discouraging!" I just started a new job so my inusrance did not kick in.
Well, leave it up to God, I found a womens home in Pasadena that was 90% cheaper than the others. So I thought, "um you get what you pay for???" It all boils down to the willingness, and I was willing. I went and it saved my life at that time.
There are places out there that will not bite u in da butt financially. Where there is a WILL there is a way. Of course your life is Priceless.
I am still struggling, and I think I need to go back. However I am working and have responsibilites and cannot . . . this is my Dz talking. I should drop everything, and perhaps I will, jjust not sure when.
Don't compare your bottoms, you have them, they are yours. You hurt, and need to be released from this bondage. Only you can truly discover that, it is your truth.
I adore your courage, how you have so much to release -- love, laughter, happiness . . . do it, don't listen to your mind. Love you, truly.
SC: I looked at several different options, and although this one was more expenisve than some, it's like you're saying: How much is my life worth? I want to go to a place that is right for me and addresses the issues that I need to deal with, as well as emphasizing the spiritual aspects of and influence upon recovery—and this is the place that seems to meet all of my criteria. I've talked this through numerous times with numerous recovering alcoholics (including my sponsor and her sponsor and alumni of this particular treatment center), and with my hubby, and while I still have some apprehension (which, I suppose is only normal), I'm much more at peace with the decision now.
Thank you for your love and encouragement, sweetie, and get thee to a recovery center ASAP! Your life is too important to screw around with, too!!!
All: Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and encouragement. See above for a mini-update.
Where I went to rehab the out-of-pocket expense was $1000 a day. My insurance would only pay $500 a day and they accepted that amount. Have you tried to negotiate the price? If they accept a lower amount from an insurance company, why would they turn down the same money from an individual?
Good luck.
Nice template you got there, DG. And the girl too. She's hotter than the leg, no?
I'm sure you know what is the right thing to do, DG. I used to think like you do too. I tried to reason, why should I pay that kind of money? Thinking that I can quit on my own. I got a sponsor, I went to meetings but in the end, I ended up in jail!
You're always in my prayer, DG.
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