I Hear Voices

As of right now, it's been 4 days, 13 hours, 9 minutes and 26 seconds since I've smoked a cigarette, which totals 90 cigarettes not smoked, and $22.50 saved (I smoked expensive cigarettes). That's enough for a pedicure! I guess I can afford to treat myself to one! :)

It feels so easy right now. It's like, "Oh yeah, this is a piece of cake. I'm a non-smoker now. I can do this for the rest of my life, no problem."

Only, I'm an alcoholic and addict. And this is the voice of my addiction. I have names for all its various guises, and this one is Nikki.

Nikki wants to lull me into a false sense of security, pride and grandiosity, to make me think that I can do anything I put my mind to, and then, when I've become complacent and non-vigilant, and I'm most vulnerable or least expecting it, she'll tell me it's okay to smoke just one cigarette, that I deserve it because of whatever I'm going through at the moment, and AT LEAST IT'S NOT AS BAD AS DRINKING!

Whether it's Al, Nikki, Edy, or whatever other guise my addiction assumes, I have to be ready, and I have to be able to recognize it for what it is. So, for this alcoholic and addict, vigilance, awareness, prayer and reliance on my Higher Power and the support of others is key. Without having those factors in my life, and without working a good 12-step program, I'm lost.

Thank God, for this fellowship and this program, which teaches us HOW to live, and gives us the desire to do so!