No Pain, No Gain

I have not smoked since 1:47 PM on Thursday, July 15th.

I'm depressed. Not sure if it's the Chantix, the HRT, circumstances, or what. Could be a combination of all three or two of the above, or something else entirely.

Like being rejected by my husband and feeling like my greatest fears have been realized.

Been sober for 3+ years. Now, smoke-free and taking hormones to correct the vaginal atrophy problem.

Good weight. Cute, still, if not pretty. Need to tone up, but that will be next on my list.

The bottom line is, he just doesn't seem to want me.

Before, I could blame it on my drinking and the fact that I was overweight. Then, after treatment for alcoholism, the whole anger/resentment issue, and his distrust of me and my continued sobriety, plus the fact that I had started smoking.

Then, the couple of times I quit for a few weeks, and we did try to have sex, the pain from the vaginal atrophy, which grew worse each time, and caused me to fear penetration and intercourse, exacerbating the situation.

So, in the past 2 or three years, we've had sex, or attempted to have it, less than 10 times.

It's not the sex I miss. It's the feeling that he finds me desireable, that he wants me, and the flirting, cuddling and snuggling that are all part of a close physical relationship, and contribute to the building of emotional intimacy.

I miss feeling like I have a real marriage, a husband instead of a person I share a bedroom and house with.

I feel, at times, as if the only reason we stay married is that neither one of us wants to go through the work and turmoil of a divorce, that we don't want to disappoint our families, and that we don't want the stigma attached to being divorced, especially in our church circles.

I'm realizing that if we do end up moving out of state soon, this loneliness will be multiplied, the mild depression I'm experiencing right now will deepen, and that I will either become non-functional, or bitter, resentful, and seething with barely suppressed rage which will bubble up in sarcasm and nasty remarks muttered under my breath.

I will want it to END. I will either become suicidal, look for an escape with another partner (fantasy/magical thinking) and have another affair, or I will start drinking, overeating, taking pills, or doing something else to destroy myself and numb the pain of being alone and lonely in my marriage.

I can't change my husband, and I'm not sure he wants to change, or sees a need to change. This current state of affairs works for him on many levels. He has a live-in maid to do his laundry and clean up after him, to go grocery shopping, and until recently, a bread-winner to provide enough income to at least cover our rent and utilities.

I am working hard to change myself, to mold myself into what he wants, even though I may have some reservations, because I know I can't be everything to him, or be perfect, that I'll always have faults. But I refuse to do this at the expense of losing myself again.

If, after some time has passed, he doesn't begin to respond to me, I will do what I need to do in order to retain my sense of self, my self-confidence, my serenity, and my sobriety. If he doesn't want a real marriage, a true relationship between husband and wife, I will separate myself physically from him, and get on with my life.

And I won't be alone.

Because, I'll take the cat.