Notice the title of this blog.
It's not "My Final Addiction," although that name was also available.
Because -- whatever addiction I'm working on to overcome, to conquer, to give to my Higher Power, to end its hold on me, its shaping of my existence -- experience has taught me that I am a True Addict. A new, or a long-dormant addiction is ready to rear it's ugly head and take the place of whatever current addiction I'm confronting and over which I'm seeking victory.
I picked up smoking cigarettes while in treatment for alcoholism.
Not right away. I chose to stay for a second 28 days, Phase 2 they called it, in which we would explore core issues, confront them, and begin working on them.
I had no idea (well, maybe SOME idea) of what I was in for, and it was BRUTAL. In a cathartic way, it was good and served as an impetus for true healing to begin.
But it was emotionally intense to a degree I had seldom experienced. That I had, in fact, learned to avoid through my use and abuse of alcohol.
So, when the emotions grew too strong, too devastating -- when I had expended more tears that I thought I was capable of producing, when I was utterly physically and emotionally exhausted, and believed I literally could not take dealing with another feeling, another forgotten hurt revealed -- I began smoking again.
I've been smoking (with a few short breaks interspersed) ever since -- for 3 years and a month now. I haven't picked up a drink in over 3 years and 3 months, but I am still ruled by my addictive nature.
My addiction is still strong, just manifested in a new form. It's still a way to escape, a crutch, and it's a block to my full Recovery.
It has to be dealt with -- the remaining unexplored core issues and hurts revealed and confronted -- and I am TRYING to deal with it.
Bravely.
Honestly.
Unreservedly.
Only right now, I have to go buy a pack of cigarettes.
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