Tailspin

I've been drinking again. Binge drinking. On March 5, March 28 and 29, and April 9. The worst was the last time. I was in North Carolina, staying with my parents. Driving my mother's minivan. I went to the mall to return/exchange some items. I was leaving to return home the next day. Happy, exhilarated, a little apprehensive about how to tell R how much money I'd spent at Ann Taylor. I wanted a martini. A strawberry martini from The Cheesecake Factory, to be exact. No real planning, but no action to stop the thought from becoming a plan once it started. I went in, and ordered one. It was delicious. I paid, tipped and left. Got in my Mama's Windstar and drove around the block. Parked. Went back in and had two more. All I had eaten all day was one Clif bar and a tablespoon of some leftover meat/bean taco filler my sister had made, and I had run for 40 minutes that morning. Then I went to Food Lion and bought wine. The rest is kind of a blur. I do remember my mother asking me if I was drunk, and my responding with an indignant, incredulous What????, but beyond that just bits and pieces. My sister and her family were there, too, including four of my nieces and nephews. R is trying to get me into a rehab facility. I am mostly numb. Sometimes sad, sometimes angry (mostly at myself). Very depressed. Very regretful and remorseful. I am so not where I want to be, and I have only myself to blame. I went to a meeting last night. Will go to my home meeting and white chip tonight. I dread facing my home group and their seeing my failure, but if I don't, I'll just drink again, eventually. I don't know how to face my family. I wish I'd had the courage to share with them that I was facing my addiction to alcohol and going to AA, but I didn't, so now it's come out in a way that can only have frightened, bewildered and angered them. I've completely blown their trust, which took years to rebuild with my parents after my wild teenage and early adult years. Somehow, though, I am relieved that my "secret" is out. There really is truth in the statement that "we're only as sick as our secrets." If I'd been forthright and honest... well that's really just water under the bridge now.