A Day of Promise

I awoke at 9:30 AM this morning, ready to get up and greet the day. It was an especially beautiful morning, too. Full of birdsong, cool dry breezes, and huge yellow butterflies dancing among the trees and grass, putting on a private spectacle purely for my wonder and enjoyment.

I texted loving messages of encouragement to a few recovery friends, and emailed my therapist. Discovering a box of unopened Krusteaz in the pantry, and real maple syrup in the 'fridge, I made Belgian Waffles for breakfast, truly a rare and decadent treat.

My joy and contentment welled up within me and overflowed. I had a song in my heart which could not be contained, and must burst forth from my lips.

The day lay before me, full of the expectation of undiscovered joy, brimming with the promise that whatever came my way would be a gift, an opportunity to grow, to explore and revel.

Truly, a day in which I was happy merely to be alive and active in the world, with God leading the way before me.

And then...

With a few simple words, the hope and joy in my spirit, the promise of the day were crushed.

The words were innocent, merely a question, in the form of a statement: "You haven't taken back the things to Ann Taylor that were charged on Discover yet, have you?"

Just a statement. A simple status update request.

But a statement which felt like an accusation.

Why did he have to ruin my day?

Wait. Did he?

Why did I suddenly feel accused, hurt, angry and resentful?

I realized the Accuser was, is myself.

Because I feel guilty and responsible for our current financial distress, and I know in my heart that my actions -- my trying to fill a need that only God can fill by my constant acquisition of material things -- have resulted in creating this wall, this barrier to the contentment, the emotional intimacy, the honesty, and the bliss that my soul yearns for in my relationship with my husband.

I cannot fix this in an instant.

I have let my procrastination -- my dread of facing the seemingly monumental task of going through the receipts and and matching them up by item numbers to the specific articles I need to return, my reluctance of letting go of these things that somehow magically are supposed to make me whole and complete -- create this wall, brick by brick, building it higher, thicker and increasingly more impenetrable.

I have done this. I am at fault. I am responsible for the discord, the disappointment, the lack of affection and harmony which now characterizes our relationship.

So, I will do The Next Right Thing.

I will finish cleaning up the kitchen. I will shower, put on makeup, fix my hair and dress. I will go through those damn receipts and match them up, item by item. I will take back everything I have not yet worn, with very few exceptions.

And, in doing so, I will experience relief, release and peace.

The relief and release will be temporary. This action will be but a drop in the bucket toward relieving or at least lessening the deluge of our financial worries.

But, it will be a step in the right direction. And a journey begins with a single step. And in taking action and moving forward comes lasting Peace.

Meanwhile, the birds are still singing, the breezes still wafting, the huge Yellow Sulfurs still dancing, flitting, and playing among the trees and grass.

The day stretches before me, once again full of promise, hope and joy.

And I now have a plan to move forward into it intentionally and purposefully, with my God going before me and showing me the way.

I have only to follow.

photo credit: stock.xchng/edward whb

Three Year Medallion

I went to Celebrate Recovery tonight, and had not even thought about being able to pick up my 3 year medallion. What a nice surprise! There's something about being given that little piece of brass that makes it more tangible, more real. I really have done this, remained sober, and mostly grown and matured for 3 whole years now. It's okay to still have doubts and fears, but to recognize them and face and walk through them is the key to longtime survival and continued growth. I am at a scary, tenuous place right now, getting ready to quit my job at the end of this week without having anything else lined up or even sketched out, but I am at peace because I know I made this decision in accordance with my Higher Power's will and direction. I am also at a very exciting, challenging place. I am stepping into the unknown, but I know Someone is there to catch me should I fall, Someone who is walking beside me, and lighting the way before me. I am not alone.

Happy (Almost!) Birthday to Me

Tomorrow I'll be 3. Yep, folks, hard to believe I know. Tomorrow it will be 3 full years of one day at a time without a drink. Actually, I get confused about the whole birthday / anniversary thing. Is it supposed to be the anniversary of the day you had your last drink, or the anniversary of the day you had no alcohol continuously, beginning with that day? I'll feel pretty stupid if I've told everyone and thought this whole time that the day was the 11th and it's actually the 10th. I'd be ever so grateful if someone can please clear up this little mystery for me!

Anyway, I'm at work now and really can't get away with much time posting on my blog, although I frankly don't give too much of a hoot, as I put in my notice in 2 weeks ago, and am just staying on a couple of days a week due to some unexpected family emergencies in my employer's family. Definitely have some short-timer's attitude going on there! I don't know what I'm going to do yet, have not even started looking for another job. I just know that staying at this job was beginning to seriously threaten my sobriety, and I need to leave and trust that my Higher Power is guiding me and will lead me in the direction I need to go.

More later, hopefully!

Still Here . . . Still Sober!

Seems like I never have time to blog any more. I don't really have time now. I'm stealing a few minutes while at work 'cuz I just need to let y'all know I'm still alive and kickin'!

Recently, I've gotten very involved in Celebrate Recovery, a movement which began in a mega-church out in California. It's really good, and I'm on the ministry team, facilitating the women's small group. It's a chance to serve and to give back what I've so freely been given.

But, it's not AA, and it's not enough for me and my life in recovery. That's according to me, my therapist, and my sponsor. I definitely need a balance. I need worship, prayer and fellowship with others who believe as I do, and I'm so grateful that the Church as a whole has finally seen the need to offer hope to those struggling with addiction to alcohol and other substances and behaviors.

But, I also need the fellowship, accountability and encouragement that only those who have lurched and stumbled along the same path can give. If faith alone were enough to keep me sober, I wouldn't have struggled so long with my inability to overcome my addiction. Those who are not alcoholics and addicts cannot fully understand why we are the way we are. I have to be around other alcoholics on a consistent and frequent basis to maintain and grow in my sobriety.

I'm glad I don't have to choose between the two, that they are not at odds. I am so thankful that the rooms of AA provided a safe haven in which I found true friends, and that those friends were instrumental in my seeking help at a treatment center, where paradoxically, I found the faith I had thought I'd lost forever.

God works in mysterious way His wonders to perform.

For me, the secret is staying in the center of what works for me, the center of His will. I don't do it consistently or perfectly, but I am endeavoring for a consistent, constant awareness of His presence in me, that I might experience His peace and hope, and be able to share that with other alcoholics.

It's a process, not an event; a journey, not a destination. I pray for endurance and stamina, that I may finish well.

Today

Today, my life is sane.

Today, I take responsibility for my actions and decisions, and their resulting consequences.

Today, I take responsibility for my part in my relationships because friends and loved ones matter and are important to me.

Today, I take responsibility for myself, because I am no longer content in the victim role.

Today, I take responsibility for my health, including getting multiple mammograms, a bilateral ultrasound and an extremely painful biopsy last week.

Today I have peace knowing I'm doing what I need to do to take care of my body which I abused for so long, and I have been blessed to learn that the results of the biopsy are negative!

Today, I thank my Higher Power for propmpting me to take the action I needed to take, and most of all, for walking alongside me as I walked through my fear, and providing love and support from family and other loved ones.

Today, I am not alone.

We Will Not Regret The Past . . .

. . .but, I thank God that waking up with a throbbing head, severe nausea, a raging thirst and absolutely no knowledge of where I was or how I'd gotten there are part of my PAST, and with His grace, not part of my future.

I turn 2 on the 10th! Doesn't seem possible, does it? :D

Thank God It's Tuesday!

It's Tuesday, the first day of my "weekend." I can finally take a deep breath, laze around, and spend some time catching up on my blogroll. Seeing Scott W's gratitude list today reminds me how much I DO have to be grateful for, and also how much listing those things helps to turn my negativity into positivity, which then can lead to purposeful action.

It's Tuesday, and I'm Thankful and Grateful . . .

• For the Celebrate Recovery meeting last night, and the women in my small group who understood my pain and prayed for me
  
• For Scott W's post today
  
• For this community of recovery
  
• For an opportunity this coming month to lead the Wednesday night women's step meeting
  
• For the ability to see today that I have options and choices
  
• For the extradorninary light outside today, making everything sharp, vibrant and new
  
• For two days away from my job and the chance to see it from a more objective perspective
  
• For my friends, family and all others who are with me in this continuing journey
  
• For moments of joy, even rapture, especially on days when life sucks
  
• For the certainty that when I come home in the evening, I have a soft place to fall

I Hate My Job...But, It's Still A Job

I feel so blue right now. Thank goodness tomorrow is my "Friday," my last day of work before my 2 consecutive days off.

It must be me. If it's not me, then why do I keep ending up with bosses who seem to excel in the art of beating me down and making me feel stupid and incompetent? Maybe it's just the nature of the southeast Florida real estate broker.

Or, maybe it really is me. Maybe I am just stupid and incompetent. I know I can't multi-task (a skill that, quite frankly, is overrated, if you ask me). I need to concentrate on one thing and complete it, rather than being scattered by umpteen different things to focus on at one time.

But apparently, being unable to multi-task is just one of my many failings.

I'm also slow.

I prefer to think of it as being careful and methodical, but if indeed I were careful and methodical, I probably would not keep making so many careless mistakes.

I really need to rewrite my resume, and take out all the things I've put on it that that turn out just not to be true.

Take out ability to multi-task and exceptional attention to detail and accuracy. Scratch organizational skills and efficiency. And time-management skills? Who am I kidding??!!

Maybe myself, but no one else, and especially not my bosses.

So, I can sit here and feel sorry for myself and fish for sympathy, or I can look at my part, my defects of character, my poor habits, and I can start to examine myself honestly and figure out what I need to do to change these things that are detrimental to my job performance.

Because I do have a choice.

Maybe not in the way others think of me or view me, but in how I view myself and think of myself.

If I allow myself to stay stuck in my misery and feel like a victim, then nothing is going to change, and my sobriety will be threatened. If, instead, I keep turning this over to my Higher Power, asking for wisdom and direction in knowing how to change what needs changing, and then act on that, I will move forward.

Where forward is, I'm not sure. But, I know it's better than here.

How Time Flies!

I would say I cannot believe how long it's been since I posted, but I am well aware. I just never seem to have a good chunk of time to devote to blogging any more.

Just by way of update, for the faithful few who check back from time to time, I am coming up on my 2 year anniversary next month! Now, THAT seems unbelievable! I continue to do about 3 to 4 meetings a week, including a Celebrate Recovery program I've become involved in at our church. We're actually still in the leadership training phase, so I'm learning by doing, and feel extremely blessed to be a part of something I feel has been missing from the church for far too long.

I remember all too well the shame, despair, condemnation (real or imagined) and hopelessness I felt as a woman active in ministry who struggled with alcoholism. I felt like a hypocrite, and the end result was that I abandoned my faith in God, and it wasn't until I finally made it into the rooms of AA and then into treatment that I realized that He had not abandoned me, that in fact, it was the other way around.

If I can help one person in a similar situation, before they abandon hope completely, it will be well worth everything I went through to be at the place in my recovery and spirituality I am today.

Not that I'm any spiritual giant, mind you. I know I could slip and fall as easily as the next person, so I certainly don't want to be on any pedestal. I think the major difference today is that I know it's okay NOT to be some super saint to be of help to others, that it's really better for me to be real and honest and to admit my failings, missteps and character defects. If I'm real, complete with all my faults, it's much easier for someone who is struggling to relate to me and open up.

Today, that's my prayer. That for today, I will seek guidance from my Higher Power, that I will be honest and compassionate toward myself first, and being flawed but forgiven and pressing forward, I will be honest and compassionate toward others, and that I will see them through His eyes -- that I'll see some essence of God in everyone I meet, no matter how small.

We can't keep what we have if we don't give it away. I'm so grateful for the opportunities my HP is giving me to do that.

Open Windows

Just a super-quick update, because I've got to start getting ready for work.

I was only out of work for 2 weeks -- amazing in this economy! What's more amazing to me is that I didn't grow despondent. Of course, I went through some short bouts of depression and the "I suck, nobody will ever hire me" phase, but I was able to keep praying, keep talking, and keep actively seeking and following up on leads.

Long story short: I have a NEW JOB!!!! at another real estate company which specializes in luxury condominiums and estate homes, I'm making much more and get paid by salary, not hourly (although they pay extra if I work overtime!), and I'm learning TONS! It's in a beautiful location, right on the beach, so I can take a break and watch people surf, or roll up my pants legs and walk in the surf, if I want.

The only downsides are that I got the job partly because they had to fire the woman who normally would have trained me, and they had to hire a second assistant who is equally as green, if not more so, so we're the blind leading the blind, in a situation where we can't afford the luxury of not being up to speed. But, I feel as if things are starting to click, and I'm getting a handle on what my responsibilities are, and what I need to do to be a true asset to my employers.

God is indeed faithful! Thank goodness, too, that through my program of recovery, I am learning to deal with things as they come, and to rest in the knowledge that I never have to face anything alone, and that there is something to be learned when trials come. Staying open and trusting that things were in the hands of my HP, as long as I wasn't just sitting on my butt, were key to the peace of mind I had for those 2 weeks of joblessness.

I know 2 weeks isn't anything. I'm incredibly blessed to have gotten a job so quickly -- moreover, one that is better than the one I had -- and I am filled with amazement and gratitude.

Life on Life's Terms

Wow... Talk about getting hit hard from out of the blue. I definitely am not feeling the full impact yet. I feel numb, and that's fine for now.

This afternoon, my 2 bosses called me into their office at about ten after 5:00 to tell me they had come to a decision to let me go. "Nothing personal... we're so happy with you and your work... you're a kind, caring person..." and so on. They say they're $60 grand in the hole with payrolls right now, and since the market has taken such a nosedive, they've had to look for ways to cut expenditures, and my job is the most expendable.

I know what they're saying is true. I work in a real estate business, and we're definitely being hit by the economy and the housing market in general. But part of me can't help but wonder, What if I'd just worked harder and been more positive and willing to do anything they asked with nary a complaint? What if I had just logged my 40 hours I was hired to do and never put in all the overtime necessary to actually do my job and do it well? What if I hadn't had to occasionally take time off to go to therapy during the week? Maybe I do bear some responsibility in their choosing my job as the one to cut.

But then, one of my bosses called as soon as I got home to make sure I was okay, and to offer a tangible lead and her personal help in finding another position for me. And, they both hugged me and cried before I left today, too, and asked me if they could help in any well, saying they'd write letters of recommendation, or whatever I needed. So maybe it's not me.

My first thought -- and I'm so grateful for this! -- was "When God closes a door, He opens a window." I kept repeating it to myself over and over, like a mantra. I did think about drinking, but only for a moment, and the thought immediately launched the "play it through" scenario.

Of course, that's still where my alcoholic mind wants to take me when faced with a crisis, or any situation in which I feel off balance or uncomfortable or just downright scared to death: the thought that a drink will help. But it stops there, usually, and I almost automatically start playing the thought through to its consequences and realize how ludicrous it is.

How cool, though, that it wasn't my first thought, or even my second, that instead, I began silently and consciously communicating with my Higher Power! What a gift it is to realize that He is with me and will see me through this. Even though mine is the only income coming in to our household right now, and even though we are at our lowest point financially in years, I really do know that with the help of my Higher Power, I will walk through this, and come out safely on the other side, and who knows what opportunities may be in store for me?

So, I'm still a little in shock, a little sad, and a little scared, but my overwhelming sense right now is that I'm right where I'm supposed to be, and I'm eager to see what God has planned.

I just hope this attitude lasts! I'll keep you keep you posted, but right now, I need to get to a meeting.

Commitment

Tonight, I'm speaking at a small meeting I attended for the first time last week. I'm really not nerovus... yet!! I'm really looking forward to the opportunity to share my experience, strength and hope, to tell how it was, what happened, and what it's like now. I am very grateful to be almost a year and a half sober and recovering, and I need to tell my story, not only in the hope that it helps another alcoholic, but to keep me focused on my journey in recovery as well.

Besides, it will be good practice, because I'm sharing at another meeting this coming Saturday evening. When it rains, it pours, and I'm being deluged with blessings.

It hasn't been easy, particularly these last 8 to 9 months. I started working in January, and quickly became obsessed with work. Yes, I am an addict in all respects, and now that drinking is not an option, my addictive behavior and attitude still strives to prevail and take over, to take the control back from my Higher Power. Because, after all, I run my life so much better than my HP possibly can, right?

This addictive controlling nature is what will take me out if I let anything come between me and my Higher Power, if I let something else become my Higher Power. I become, irritable, restless and discontent, and quickly fall into my "victim" role, wondering why everyone is against me and why my life sucks, and why God has deserted me, and WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME???!!!!

The only thing that has happened is me. I've gotten in the way again. I've become disconnected from my Higher Power because I'm not making any effort to connect. My recovery and continued sobriety is but a daily reprieve, contingent upon my spiritual condition, and if I'm not pursuing my recovery, my relationship with my Higher Power, my relationships with others, and if I'm not using the tools I have learned to use in this program, I WILL fail. And, eventually, for me, that failure will result in drinking again.

This program works, but only if I work it. If I forget that, I will relapse, and the relapse is the shift in my thinking, attitudes, behaviors, and eventually, my beliefs. Picking up a drink is merely the final plunge off the cliff.

Telling my story, whether to a group or to a woman crying to me on the phone or after a meeting keeps ME sober. It is a powerful part of my recovery because it reminds me of where my drinking took me, it's consequences and impact on myself and those I love, and how amazing the life I have now is.

I don't want to lose what God and AA have so freely given me, and the only way to keep it is to give it away to other alcoholics.

Still Here . . . And Still Sober!

OMG, I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted or read any blogs on my blogroll. "So what's up with that?," you might be wondering. I know I'm wondering...

I think it basically has a lot to do with my job. My boss is a classic A-type personality. She's got tons of energy, and is constantly thinking up great new ways to increase and improve our marketing. The only problem is that it's up to the marketing specialist, AKA yours truly, to implement her ideas. One of her recent ideas was to create a blog and write a minimum of 3 posts a week. Then she decided she needed 4 blogs (so far), with 3 posts a week to each, which means I now have to do (well, theoretically anyway) a minimum of 18 posts a week (the posts are duplicated on 2 of the blogs, so it's ONLY 18, rather than 36 a week at this point), complete with images I have to edit and post to her image server, etc., etc.

The bottom line is I'm pretty much blogged out by the time I finish doing hers, and just have not been motivated to post anywhere else.

Actually, though, something she blogged about today and the comments it generated prompted me to blog tonight. Because I don't want to share the unfortunate experience others have had in being dooced, I will refrain from linking to her post, but the gist of it was her describing her involvement in volunteering for a center which helps single mother alcoholics by providing a safe haven for them to enter treatment, providing care for their children as well, and teaching them parenting and coping skills in addition to the standard rehab program.

One of the commenters said that she was tired of programs which treated those with substance abuse problems as though they were disabled, since addiction is a choice.

I SO wanted to comment, but couldn't because it's a site that only licensed professionals can access. I really take issue with the statement the commenter made, not only because her attitude was downright callous, but because addiction is NOT a choice, at least in my own humble opinion, as well as that of the AMA.

Don't get me wrong. Did I have a choice in taking that first drink? Of course I did. Did I have a choice in ignoring the fact that I'd obviously gone over the edge at some point and could no longer control my drinking? Of course I did. Did I have a choice in not seeking help when it became clear to me that I could not stop on my own? Of course I did. Did I have a choice when I stopped going to AA because I was "uncomfortable" (read: not ready to admit and accept I am an alcoholic) and continued to go on drinking binges? Of course I did.

Did I have a choice in receiving a gene which predisposes me toward addiction? NO, I DID NOT! Is it fair? No, but neither is cancer, congenital disease, senile dementia, and a host of other medical problems people face and deal with every day.

I was blessed enough to have the time, the financial resources, and the lack of family and employment obligations to be able to enter into an intensive inpatient treatment program for 4 1/2 months. Most people don't have that luxury. I don't think I would have gotten sober and entered recovery if I had not been able to pursue the particular course I took. I would still be drinking, or I would be dead by now. I didn't care if I died because I hated myself and I hated what my life had become, and most of all, I hated the thought of a future which seemed hopeless.

I cannot imagine the seemingly insurmountable and overwhelming odds a young mother with an addicition to drugs and/or alcohol faces when she finally hits bottom and gets that spark of desire to end the cycle of addiction and enter recovery. Thank God for a place which can offer her the resources to take care of herself and her family while she is beginning the journey to become the person that she wants to be, and that her family needs her to be.

I'm frustrated by this commenter's ignorance and lack of compassion, but it's not my problem. All I can do is pray for her and spread the word that help is available, no matter what your circumstances are. All you have to do is ask for help.

And sometimes that's the hardest thing to do.

A Happy Annivesary

Yesterday was my one year anniversary. I meant to blog yesterday, but never thought about it when I wasn't busy doing something else.

Yesterday was a "normal" Saturday for me. I got up at 7:30 and had my coffee, cigarette and quiet time. I had an appointment at 9:00 a.m. to get my hair deep conditioned and cut, and when I got home a little after 11:00, I made a smoothie to take with me on my way up to West Palm Beach where I go to outpatient therapy almost every Saturday. My appointment was at 3:00, so I made an appointment at 1:30 to have my nails done, the first chance I've had in 3 weeks.

I was at the outpatient building of the treatment center where I went last May by 2:45, so I went into the bookstore and talked with H, a friend I met while in residential care, who is the boyfriend of one of my best friends, K, who was in treatment with me the whole 4 1/2 months I was there, both in residential care and in sober living. I had spoken to K only a little eariler, while at the nail salon, and we are both excited because this coming Thursday, we will be among the celebrants receiving their medallions at the center's monthly alumni celebration.

My therapy session was good, but emotionally draining, as my therapist pointed out that I have allowed work to become my first priority to the detriment of my relationships, my sobriety, and my spiritual life. She was right, of course, but the truth hit hard, and I was exhausted by the time I left.

I drove the hour's drive home and decided to lay down for an hour or so, and had just begun to drift off when my cell phone rang It was my sponsor, calling to wish me a "Happy Anniversay." I shared with her what I'd confronted with my therapist's insight and help, and the steps we'd outlined for me to take in the next few weeks to get myself back on track. Of course, my sponsor was in total agreement, saying she needed to hear that, too, as she is in nearly an identical place. We talked for about half an hour, and planned to get together for dinner Monday, before our women's meeting.

By this time, it was almost 7:00m so I spent time with my husband and kitty, put in a load of laundry, and fixed dinner. We watched some television together, and then it was time for bed.

This is a day in my normal" life, my life in sobriety and recovery. It's not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. I mess up. I still get angry, scared, hurt, lonely and tired. I still can form a resentment quite easily and blame others for my emotional state. I still get lazy and lose my focus in working my program. I still can find "good" excuses not to go to meetings or call my sponsor or help others. I still can be too busy or too down or too tired to connect with my Higher Power. I still can hurt others, especially those closest to me.

The difference is that now I can go through the ups and downs and be aware of the emotions I feel instead of numbing or ignoring them. When I mess up, I can admit it and take responsibility for my actions, and take steps to work on the root character defect(s). I can listen to someone confronting me with the truth without immediately going on the defensive, and I know when it's someone who loves and cares for me, that they are motiviated by that love and care.

My life isn't perfect. I'm not perfect. Only my Higher Power is perfect, and if I abide in Him, He has promised to abide in me, directing, guiding, comforting, consoling, and challenging me to become more and more conformed to His image, until the day I meet Him face to face, and then I will be perfect at last.

Just a Receptionist

(I wrote this on March 9th, but never posted it here. I was going to start another blog about my new job, but don't know if that's something I want to commit to right now. Anyway, this is what I wrote, and I think it's very apropos to this blog!)

I’m just a receptionist. At age 51. Making $10 an hour.

And I love it! I love my job, I love my boss, and I love my life.

I couldn’t say that one year ago. A year ago, I was a rarely employed, unmotivated freelance web designer. I had no confidence in myself or my abilities and talents, and I certainly had no confidence that others would be able to see, acknowledge, and appreciate them.

A year ago, I wondered how many more years my life would go on with nothing to look forward to, nothing to get up in the morning for, nothing that brought me any joy.

Today, I remember feeling that way, and it both awes and scares me. Awes me because now I rarely have those moments of such deep despondence and despair that I would rather just not continue to live. I still get overwhelmed, but I think I’m learning to face what I fear and to what through it, not perfectly, but still coming out on the other side, knowing I’ve made it through. It does scare me though, because I know that if I again become unaware or nonchalant or negligent, I can get back there faster than I can imagine.

And I don’t want that.

I want this. This new life, this new chance, this beginning of a new journey. The saying goes that a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. That’s why I’m okay with a receptionist position and a receptionist pay level.

Because at least I’ve taken that first step back into life. And I only need to look ahead and take the next step and the next, being careful to be aware of my footing and any obstacles, but moving forward. Always moving forward.

"The Time Has Come..."

...the Guru said
"To talk of many things:
Of hats--and shirts--and spam comments--
Of CafePress--and Kings--
And why water cost forty bucks
Just because it's called "Bling."

Seriously, folks; this is not a terribly serious post. I AM frustrated with a certain person posting his unwanted comments, but short of moderating comments, there's little I can do except continue to ignore them. He has his opinions and his agenda, and obviously he thinks any of us who "buy into" the AA Program are unredeemable sinners going straight to hell. Okay, I know I'm giving him way too much attention here, which will undoubtedly throw fuel on his fire, but I personally HAVE a relationship with God, and depend upon Him for my recovery, so I don't know why I've been singled out for this person's crusade. If I DON'T end up where I think I will when I die, I'll be surprised, but at least I'll probably be in a different place than him, so it's all good.

On to the second item. Are you proud of your sobriety? Do you want to declare that you're in recovery to the world? Okay, well in light of the fact that we're Alcoholics ANONYMOUS, probably not. But, to wear to AA meetings or events, or just around the house, there are some pretty cool sober T-Shirts, hats etc. out there online at CafePress. They range from poignant to cute to serious to humorous to shocking; in other words, something for everyone! Here's my personal favorite, which I'd never have the guts to actually wear to a meeting, and here's the one I'm actually going to order!

And, last but not least... in the what will they think of next? category: seriously, people—$40 for a bottle of freakin' water??? Oh, BlingH20 also has some in PLASTIC bottles (no bling) for ONLY $24 a case! Wow -- that's a deal at twice the price!

I don't think so.

Well, at least not yet.

We Will Be Amazed . . .

. . . before we are halfway through.

WOW! Are those words ever true.

The Promises. Into Action.

They are coming true for me, and I'm nowhere NEAR halfway through!

Today, I have 9 and a half months sober and recovering, and I'm once again a productive, contributing member of society! Who knew?!

Last week, I heard from my sponsor about someone else in our Monday night meeting who needed a part-time receptionist, and by Friday, I'd talked to her about the position, updated and submitted my resume, interviewed, was offered and accepted the job! I started my new job this past Monday, and I LOVE it. I love having the structure in my life. I love feeling like I'm part of something and am able to contribute positively to a team effort. And I love saying things like, "I'll stop by the grocery store on the way home from work."

Life is good.

On top of this good news, my therapist (who is AWESOME) has made time in her schedule to see me on Saturday afternoons from now on.

Today:

• I'm connected to God (my Higher Power), and consciously make contact with Him every morning
• I have a JOB!
• I have a relationship with my husband, which is continuing to heal and grow
• I have friends inside and outside of the Program
• I have a closer relationship with my family
• I have the most amazing sponsor
• I have an awesome therapist
• I have peace and serenity which used to elude me
• I trust God with my future instead of needing to control it, or fear it

What more could a recovering alcoholic ask for?

Morning Meditations

When I first started coming to AA over 3 years ago, I was angry, resentful and bitter toward God (as well as toward a lot of other people, events, and circumstances in my life, past and present). The thing is, I didn't even realize it. I knew I was cut off, disconnected and dead spiritually, but I felt like God had abandoned me, turned his back on me, and I was too angry, depressed and mired in my disease to even know how to begin to make my way back to him, or even to have the desire to do so.

Even while I was still trapped in my distorted thinking and drowning in self-pity, self-loathing, and self-righteousness, God had NOT abandoned me, and was still working all things together for good on my behalf. Somehow, when I was finally ready to seek the help I needed to confront my alcoholism, he brought people into my life who sang the praises of a particular treatment center in West Palm Beach.

It was not a "Christian" treatment center, but one that took a holistic approach to recovery, focusing on the medical, relational, and spiritual components, incorporating them into the 12 Steps. I didn't want to go to a treatment center that looked upon alcoholism and addiction as a sin that I should be able to control, and I feared I might encounter that approach at places other than the one I chose.

I was exactly where I needed to be. My therapists and my spiritual counselors are women who were able to gently guide me into the realization that God had not abandoned me at all, and that he was only waiting for me to walk forward into his embrace. When this realization came, for the very first time, I finally understood what surrender is.

I don't have to carry the burden of my disease by myself. There is One who is always with me, always walking beside me, lightening the load.

And when I grow too weary to move another step, he is the One who carries me.

All By Myself (Don't Wanna Be)

I woke up this morning feeling almost hungover. I had a pounding headache centered behind my eyes, which throbbed even more every time I bent my head forward. In my first attempt to make coffee, I forgot to put the carafe under the filter cone, and coffee poured out all over the kitchen counter (thank God for paper towels!).

I haven't felt this way or been this clouded in the morning since I quit drinking, and I think I know why I woke up feeling like this today. Yesterday, after we ate a late breakfast of waffles with maple syrup, my husband left for a three-day conference up in Orlando. Left to my own devices, and having no one to prepare meals for, I munched on dark chocolate M&Ms, Wheat Thins, prepackaged jello and fruit, and then topped it off around 11:30 pm with some frozen yogurt. The only protein I had was a few bites of chicken, pulled off the remains of the rotisserie chicken we'd eaten the previous evening, and I had no veggies of any kind the entire day. This morning, my "hangover" was most likely a result of a virtually all sugar diet. It began to subside significantly after I drank a cup of coffee, which it just dawned on me was probably also a factor: caffeine deprivation. I usually drink anywhere from 3 to 6 cups of coffee a day, and I only had one yesterday morning.

Enough about that.

What I really need to get off my chest is this: This is the first time I've been alone for more than a few hours since I got sober in April. I was depressed and outright fearful yesterday, which probably contributed to my mindless junk food munching.

Not afraid of being without R. Afraid of being alone, with myself. It took me a while to identify my fear. At first, I thought it was just the memory of previous times R's gone out of town. His trips were something I looked forward to, because I could drink and veg out in front of the TV. I used to obsess about what I would drink, planning to try new wines and special cocktails, and usually just ended up drinking straight vodka. How would I handle it now that I'm not drinking? What if I ended up drinking? I'm so close to 9 months, and I sure don't want to blow it.

But then, I realized, it's not really that I'm afraid I'll drink. I mean, there's always that fear, at the back of my mind, and I think it's a healthy one that keeps me from becoming cocky and complacent. I know what I have to do, and I'm doing it (calling and meeting with my sponsor, talking about my fears, journaling, going to meetings, hanging with sober friends, going for my outpatient activities, etc.).

The greater and more honest fear is just being alone with myself. I've never enjoyed being alone, because being with myself used to be painful. I didn't like or love myself, and I couldn't stand being alone, but I didn't want to be around anyone else either. I couldn't believe anyone else really would like me, if they knew the real me, and always being "on" and maintaining the facade I presented to the world was exhausting. So, I isolated and drank and told myself I preferred being alone, and I even believed it for a long while.

Today, I need to learn how to enjoy being alone with myself, and this is actually a wonderful opportunity to do just that. And I'm not really alone. My Higher Power is always with me. I can be alone, and not be lonely. I can appreciate and develop my character strengths, while I continue to identify and work on my defects. I am beginning to love myself, and to even like myself, but it is indeed progress, not perfection at this point.

I am learning that I can just be, and that is truly one of the miracles of recovery.

Happy Sober New Year!

We just got back late last night from holidays spent first with R's and my family in Atlanta (Christmas), and then with my family in Raleigh (New Year's). We drove the entire way, which was 12 hours to Atlanta, 8 hours to Raleigh, and then 14 hours returning from Raleigh to South Florida. And I didn't want to drink or kill anyone!

Road trips used to make me REALLY crazy, but I'm finding that I can now relax and just be, and not feel (so) pressured to always be adhering to some imaginary schedule or someone's phantom expectations. Progress, not perfection. I've got so much work to do in preparation for my outpatient activities, and I'm anxious to get back to my meetings and reconnect with my friends here.

I did go to a fabulous meeting while in Raleigh (one I had visited while there at Thanksgiving) and felt right at home. I guess that will be my home-away-from-home meeting there! Cool.

One of the most amazing gifts of this program is my relationship with my parents, and their awareness, understanding and compassion for other alcoholics. Shortly after I finished my inpatient treatment, my Mama and Daddy were able to offer one of their employees, who has struggled with his alcoholism for years, the chance to enroll in a similar program. "C" had just returned home a couple of weeks prior to our visit, so when I saw him at my parents' office, I suggested we go to a meeting together, which we did. So now I have a buddy there, too! How cool is that?!

I have SO MUCH to be grateful for, and I AM grateful, as this year begins.

• No early morning guilt, shame and nausea.
• No wondering what I did or what I said the night before.
• Relationships that are changing, growing, and thriving.
• Trust being rebuilt.
• Real honesty.
• Appreciation for my family and their amazing love and patience.
• My friends (including my awesome sponsor) in the program.
• My family.
• My husband.
• The Promises.
• The Miracle.
• My growing relationship with my Higher Power, and my growing ability to trust Him.
• The certainty that my Higher Power loves and accepts me just as I am today, which means I can love and accept myself, imperfect as I am.
• Way too much to list here right now, but WOW!!!! What a great way to face the New Year. Sober, joyful and free!