Yeah, that's me.
Only, it's not working so well, pretending.
This morning, I awoke at 6:25 A.M., after tossing and turning until sometime after 3:00 A.M., and just went ahead and got up, as I don't have time (what with church at 10:30 A.M. and all), to try to get back to sleep for the next three hours as I normally would.
So, here goes. The bald, unvarnished truth. The exposure of the lie I've been living for the past month and a half or so.
Not that some of you will be all that surprised. Surely, you've speculated—guessed— suspected that something's amiss, due to my infrequent posting. Or maybe not. Whatever.
Anyway, here it is: When I went skiing in January, I drank.
I didn't intend to. In fact, I intended NOT to. But, I did, and then I tried to hide it from you, from everyone back here in my normal, everyday life, and even to some degree, from myself.
That worked pretty well for a while. I told myself that it was a week-long momentary lapse. I compartmentalized it. I let myself begin to believe that I would and could allow myself to drink only on ski trips. And, that on the next one, I would exercise control and not have more than one beer at apres ski, and not more than one cocktail before dinner, and not more than one glass of wine with dinner—two, tops.
I went skiing again on February 10th. I had three dirty martinis on the plane out to Vail/Eagle.
The really sad part of this whole sad story is that my drinking friends tried to help me. My roommate asked me if I'd ever gone to AA and told me she'd not drink the rest of the trip and be my non-drinking buddy and support person. My other friend, staying in our condo, told me she'd do anything she could to support me, and that she hoped I'd get back into the program.
So, I started drinking behind their backs, and succeeded in getting royally plastered on two separate occasions.
Now, mind you, I had not drunk at all for the three weeks between the first and second trips, and yet within a few days time, I was back at the level that I had been at when I was drinking on a regular basis.
Why am I confessing all this here? Because, this is the one place where I've striven to be honest, and when I started hiding the truth and lying and avoiding coming here, I felt I'd hit a new bottom.
I held back from confessing before this for all the reasons we all have hidden and lied and avoided in the past. I didn't want you to know I'd failed. I didn't want you to be disappointed in me. I've been ashamed and filled with disgust, self-loathing, remorse and regret, but I kept telling myself to ignore it, and just get back to my normal life here and put it behind me. Go to meetings, get a new sponsor, and pick up my medallion in September, because it's over and it won't happen again, and I don't need to let everyone else down just because I failed.
I hope that's true. I hope it IS over and won't happen again, but in order for that to BE true, I can't keep hiding and lying about it.
The one thing I've held on to throughout all of this is that I don't want drinking to be part of my normal, everyday, real life. I've had enough of a taste (over 4 months) of sobriety to know that I like my life and myself so much better sober that I never want to start drinking on a regular basis again.
I've analyzed what led to my relapse as well as I can, and I'm still a little bewildered, but I also know that it began in my head, because I let myself believe that I could be and needed to be a different person in certain venues and situations. What I know now is that I have to be the same, authentic, non-drinking person in every situation, no matter how uncomfortable that is for me or anyone else, and the truth of the matter is, it's probably only uncomfortable for me, and that discomfort will eventually dissipate.
You know what I DON'T want from y'all right now? I don't want a lot of advice on what I should have done, or AA platitudes, or smugness or judgment, or oh-poor-yous. I know what I did. I know it was wrong and stupid and irrational and insane and inexcusable.
I also know that I'm an alcoholic and alcoholics mess up when they start getting full of themselves and think they can do it on their own. I know I can't. I know I will always need AA. I just need to be honest here, so that's what this is.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Personal Best
3.30 miles.
That was my distance this morning.
I am so thrilled that despite record-breaking heat and humidity, I just freakin' did it.
And, I have to admit that I am not-so-secretly very pleased and downright impressed with myself.
(Of course, My Nephew The Track Star is not so impressed, so there's that to keep me humble!)
That was my distance this morning.
I am so thrilled that despite record-breaking heat and humidity, I just freakin' did it.
And, I have to admit that I am not-so-secretly very pleased and downright impressed with myself.
(Of course, My Nephew The Track Star is not so impressed, so there's that to keep me humble!)
Friday, February 02, 2007
Slowly, But Surely
I've had a cold since returning from skiing in Vail. It's been more annoying and frustrating than debilitating, but as it quickly went into my chest, I couldn't run for a week.
My plan was to begin running again the day after I returned, since the ski trip to Snowmass begins February 10th, and I need to stay in condition.
This week, despite still being somewhat sick, I was determined to do what I could. So, on Sunday, I ran about 1.75 miles. I ran a little more on Monday, yet a little more on Wednesday, and today I ran 2.76 miles, my farthest yet.
In many ways, this slow, incremental progress in my running mirrors the slow, incremental progress in my sobriety.
Sometimes I feel like I can keep going forever. My energy is high, I'm feeling strong and confident, it feels comfortable and easy, and I love doing something that I know is so good for me physically, mentally and emotionally.
Other times, though, it's all I can do to push on, to make myself put on my shorts and tie my shoelaces, and even as I head out, I'm thinking, I just can't do this today; it's too hard.
Those days, when it seems just too hard, I have to tell myself, Just do what you can today. Just go the distance. You can walk part of the way if you need to.
So, I start out, and at first, it's just like I'm fearing. No energy. Every breath an effort. My knee throbs.
But, I keep going, very slowly, really only jogging at first. Please, God, just help me get through the first block... Okay, we made that, let's keep going. My pace picks up a bit. We can at least do a mile!
By the time I'm up to the .5 mile mark, I'm feeling good, actually ENJOYING the run. A goofy grin breaks out on my face, but I don't care.
I can keep going forever.
My plan was to begin running again the day after I returned, since the ski trip to Snowmass begins February 10th, and I need to stay in condition.
This week, despite still being somewhat sick, I was determined to do what I could. So, on Sunday, I ran about 1.75 miles. I ran a little more on Monday, yet a little more on Wednesday, and today I ran 2.76 miles, my farthest yet.
In many ways, this slow, incremental progress in my running mirrors the slow, incremental progress in my sobriety.
Sometimes I feel like I can keep going forever. My energy is high, I'm feeling strong and confident, it feels comfortable and easy, and I love doing something that I know is so good for me physically, mentally and emotionally.
Other times, though, it's all I can do to push on, to make myself put on my shorts and tie my shoelaces, and even as I head out, I'm thinking, I just can't do this today; it's too hard.
Those days, when it seems just too hard, I have to tell myself, Just do what you can today. Just go the distance. You can walk part of the way if you need to.
So, I start out, and at first, it's just like I'm fearing. No energy. Every breath an effort. My knee throbs.
But, I keep going, very slowly, really only jogging at first. Please, God, just help me get through the first block... Okay, we made that, let's keep going. My pace picks up a bit. We can at least do a mile!
By the time I'm up to the .5 mile mark, I'm feeling good, actually ENJOYING the run. A goofy grin breaks out on my face, but I don't care.
I can keep going forever.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
MIA
Hey, everyone! Sorry about the lack of postiness.
Just got back from a week in Vail, and I'm a little under the weather with a cold or allergies (hopefully, just the latter).
Vail was great!!! I skied 6 days and improved significantly (on the last 2 days, I was actually starting to get the hang of doing moguls, getting a rhythm down, etc.). I'm sore and bruised (if you're not falling, you're not challenging yourself enough, right?), but I had a blast and didn't want to leave. I can't wait to go to Snowmass on February 10th!
Will post pics when I get them.
I'll do more of an update later, but just wanted to let y'all know I'm okay.
Love you all! MUAH!! xoxo
Just got back from a week in Vail, and I'm a little under the weather with a cold or allergies (hopefully, just the latter).
Vail was great!!! I skied 6 days and improved significantly (on the last 2 days, I was actually starting to get the hang of doing moguls, getting a rhythm down, etc.). I'm sore and bruised (if you're not falling, you're not challenging yourself enough, right?), but I had a blast and didn't want to leave. I can't wait to go to Snowmass on February 10th!
Will post pics when I get them.
I'll do more of an update later, but just wanted to let y'all know I'm okay.
Love you all! MUAH!! xoxo
Monday, January 08, 2007
Surrender
Surrender.
It's a word we use a lot in AA.
Most of the time, I think I've heard it, and certainly understood it, relative to the concept of powerlessness. We admit that we are powerless over alcohol, and then surrender our desire to drink, our desire to have power over the desire to drink, our desire to control our drinking over to God, or at least God or a Higher Power as we understand him (or her or it or them). It's the waving of the white flag (and hence, the white chip) that signals to our peers and to ourselves AND to God, "I give up. You win. Take it."
I think that concept is valid. I could be wrong on a point or two here, or oversimplifying, but overall, that at least has been my understanding of surrender.
Last night my understanding of surrender grew.
A person who is a friend of my husband, but whom I personally dislike, was coming to stay at our house overnight so that R could drive him to the airport early this morning. There are a number of reasons I do not like this person, some reasonable, and some not. I was in a bad mood, depressed and irritable all day, and my mood was growing worse as evening approached.
I thought about drinking. R was going to be gone for over an hour while he went to pick this guy up from where he's been staying. I knew I had a window where I could run to the grocery store and get a bottle of wine. I entertained the idea for about 90 seconds, then decided I'd better hurry up and get dinner going so I could get to the women's meeting at 7:00 PM.
Somehow, I miscalculated the time I needed to cook, and so at 6:53 PM, I was just pulling the pork roast and herb-roasted sweet potatoes from the oven, and seasoning the steamed green beans. I knew I wasn't going to make it to the meeting. I just wanted to sit down on the kitchen floor and sob.
That was a choice I could make. Another would be to storm around, muttering under my breath, slamming doors and drawers and thinking murderous thoughts (because, after all, if it hadn't been for R's friend, WHOM I CAN'T STAND, this wouldn't be happening!!!). Or option number 3: I could pray and ask God to help me to accept this situation, be a gracious hostess, enjoy the delicious meal I'd made, and endeavor to make the evening enjoyable for all of us.
I chose the third option.
It dawned on me then that the reason I had briefly entertained the thought of drinking was up until four months ago, that was the only way I knew how to get through a situation like this. Once I'd had a glass of wine or a shot of vodka, I could calm down, and accept the situation and try to make the best of it. I realized, I DON'T NEED TO DO THAT NOW!!! Instead of drinking, I prayed, I made a conscious choice to turn my will over to God, and I let him direct me in the action I needed to take, and then took that action.
I still don't like R's friend, and I still don't like him staying with us, or even coming around, but I know I now have the tools to handle the awkwardness and discomfort I feel in those situations without drinking or being a bitch, and that's freakin' awesome.
It's a word we use a lot in AA.
Most of the time, I think I've heard it, and certainly understood it, relative to the concept of powerlessness. We admit that we are powerless over alcohol, and then surrender our desire to drink, our desire to have power over the desire to drink, our desire to control our drinking over to God, or at least God or a Higher Power as we understand him (or her or it or them). It's the waving of the white flag (and hence, the white chip) that signals to our peers and to ourselves AND to God, "I give up. You win. Take it."
I think that concept is valid. I could be wrong on a point or two here, or oversimplifying, but overall, that at least has been my understanding of surrender.
Last night my understanding of surrender grew.
A person who is a friend of my husband, but whom I personally dislike, was coming to stay at our house overnight so that R could drive him to the airport early this morning. There are a number of reasons I do not like this person, some reasonable, and some not. I was in a bad mood, depressed and irritable all day, and my mood was growing worse as evening approached.
I thought about drinking. R was going to be gone for over an hour while he went to pick this guy up from where he's been staying. I knew I had a window where I could run to the grocery store and get a bottle of wine. I entertained the idea for about 90 seconds, then decided I'd better hurry up and get dinner going so I could get to the women's meeting at 7:00 PM.
Somehow, I miscalculated the time I needed to cook, and so at 6:53 PM, I was just pulling the pork roast and herb-roasted sweet potatoes from the oven, and seasoning the steamed green beans. I knew I wasn't going to make it to the meeting. I just wanted to sit down on the kitchen floor and sob.
That was a choice I could make. Another would be to storm around, muttering under my breath, slamming doors and drawers and thinking murderous thoughts (because, after all, if it hadn't been for R's friend, WHOM I CAN'T STAND, this wouldn't be happening!!!). Or option number 3: I could pray and ask God to help me to accept this situation, be a gracious hostess, enjoy the delicious meal I'd made, and endeavor to make the evening enjoyable for all of us.
I chose the third option.
It dawned on me then that the reason I had briefly entertained the thought of drinking was up until four months ago, that was the only way I knew how to get through a situation like this. Once I'd had a glass of wine or a shot of vodka, I could calm down, and accept the situation and try to make the best of it. I realized, I DON'T NEED TO DO THAT NOW!!! Instead of drinking, I prayed, I made a conscious choice to turn my will over to God, and I let him direct me in the action I needed to take, and then took that action.
I still don't like R's friend, and I still don't like him staying with us, or even coming around, but I know I now have the tools to handle the awkwardness and discomfort I feel in those situations without drinking or being a bitch, and that's freakin' awesome.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
120 Days
Yay me.
I'm excited about the 120 days.
Really.
I'm just so darn frustrated with Blogger that it's got me pissed off about everything else at this moment.
Pardon me for a sec.
*Ahem*
Serenity now! Serenity NOW! SERENITY NOW!!!!!
There. That's better.
(I think I may be a little hormonal for some reason.)
P.S. I've disabled the word verification feature and made it so anyone can comment. I'll see how that goes. Hopefully, that will make it easier for those of you who want to comment but have been frustrated by having to jump through all the hoops (and hopefully, I won't get slammed with spam).
Or it could be that I have no friends and no one wants to comment. Yeah... that's probably it, isn't it? No one likes me. Might as well go eat worms. :D
I'm excited about the 120 days.
Really.
I'm just so darn frustrated with Blogger that it's got me pissed off about everything else at this moment.
Pardon me for a sec.
*Ahem*
Serenity now! Serenity NOW! SERENITY NOW!!!!!
There. That's better.
(I think I may be a little hormonal for some reason.)
P.S. I've disabled the word verification feature and made it so anyone can comment. I'll see how that goes. Hopefully, that will make it easier for those of you who want to comment but have been frustrated by having to jump through all the hoops (and hopefully, I won't get slammed with spam).
Or it could be that I have no friends and no one wants to comment. Yeah... that's probably it, isn't it? No one likes me. Might as well go eat worms. :D
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Blogger's Pushing My Buttons
I'm so frustrated with Blogger right now. I know this is NOT A BIG DEAL, but it's just making me feel depressed and angry. Probably tapping into all my control issues (and yes, I have quite a few).
I'm about at the point of deciding to just quit blogging.
Again, I KNOW this is not that big a deal.
Why is this bothering me so much??? I think it's because it makes me feel completely powerless, and I hate feeling that way.
I mean, I KNOW I'm powerless over alcohol. I can accept that, admit it, even embrace it. I don't always LIKE that it's true, but I KNOW it's true. I can make choices to live my life without it, in a positive, passionate, productive manner. I can turn it over to my HP, and let him handle it for me.
This crap is different. I should have SOME FREAKIN' MODICUM OF CONTROL over my damn blog. *Grrrrrrrrrr*
I'm about at the point of deciding to just quit blogging.
Again, I KNOW this is not that big a deal.
Why is this bothering me so much??? I think it's because it makes me feel completely powerless, and I hate feeling that way.
I mean, I KNOW I'm powerless over alcohol. I can accept that, admit it, even embrace it. I don't always LIKE that it's true, but I KNOW it's true. I can make choices to live my life without it, in a positive, passionate, productive manner. I can turn it over to my HP, and let him handle it for me.
This crap is different. I should have SOME FREAKIN' MODICUM OF CONTROL over my damn blog. *Grrrrrrrrrr*
If It Ain't Broke...
Okay, so I made the switch, and upgraded my template to one of the "layout" versions, where you can drop and drag stuff, and change the font colors and page elements, etc.
All good, lotsa fun, etc.
Except, NOW, people who haven't yet made the switch, or aren't using the "layout" templates or SOMETHING ELSE I DON'T HAVE ANY FREAKIN' IDEA OF are showing up as "Anonymous" in the comments.
Does anyone know what's up with this, and if it can be fixed?
I'm wishing now I had just left things as they were.
I'm going to try to get to the bottom of this, and if there's a fix, implement it, but I'm not sure if that's even an option (yet) with this new version of Blogger. So, Blogging Peeps, can you please bear with this situation for now, and just add your name to your post when you comment?
I should have just left well enough alone. You know what they say: If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
*Sigh*
Saturday Gratitudes
All good, lotsa fun, etc.
Except, NOW, people who haven't yet made the switch, or aren't using the "layout" templates or SOMETHING ELSE I DON'T HAVE ANY FREAKIN' IDEA OF are showing up as "Anonymous" in the comments.
Does anyone know what's up with this, and if it can be fixed?
I'm wishing now I had just left things as they were.
I'm going to try to get to the bottom of this, and if there's a fix, implement it, but I'm not sure if that's even an option (yet) with this new version of Blogger. So, Blogging Peeps, can you please bear with this situation for now, and just add your name to your post when you comment?
I should have just left well enough alone. You know what they say: If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
*Sigh*
Saturday Gratitudes
- Right now, this is the worst of my problems.
- Skiing in Vail is only a week away!!!
- Great fellowship with my church homegroup (not AA) last night.
- Great meetings (AA) this week.
- A speaker meeting to look forward to later today.
- So far, I've not been struck with the cold and flu crud everyone else is getting (knock on wood).
- Getting healthier and stronger, mentally, physically and spiritually.
- My metabolism finally kicking into a higher gear.
- My sweet hubby.
- My (mostly) sweet kitty-kat.
- Awesome blogging peeps.
- Awesome RL peeps.
- AA offers us a solution.
- God never gives up on us or abandons us.
- Relief from frustration and stress is only as far away as my knees and my Nikes.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Nike Time
Okay, time to just do it.
For years, fear has prevented me from taking risks, from trying new things, from just getting out there, involved in life.
So, I'm moving ahead in my fear today.
I'm just going to go ahead and do it, and switch over to the new version of Blogger (I AM going to back up my template first, though!).
Here goes nothing...
UPDATE:
Okay, tried it, but they said it won't work for some reason or another, AT THIS TIME. Grrrr... I wonder if it's because I'm not using one of their templates???
UPDATE 2:
Now I've switched to one of their templates, and they STILL won't let me switch. Double Grrrr....
UPDATE 3, 12:35 AM 01/06/07:
Yay!!! Success at last. (Try it again, Scout.)
For years, fear has prevented me from taking risks, from trying new things, from just getting out there, involved in life.
So, I'm moving ahead in my fear today.
I'm just going to go ahead and do it, and switch over to the new version of Blogger (I AM going to back up my template first, though!).
Here goes nothing...
UPDATE:
Okay, tried it, but they said it won't work for some reason or another, AT THIS TIME. Grrrr... I wonder if it's because I'm not using one of their templates???
UPDATE 2:
Now I've switched to one of their templates, and they STILL won't let me switch. Double Grrrr....
UPDATE 3, 12:35 AM 01/06/07:
Yay!!! Success at last. (Try it again, Scout.)
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
True Confessions
I have a confession to make.
I used to get really mad when Scott W. would say things like (and I'm paraphrasing here) "You kept me sober today."
I wondered what the heck he meant. Was he making fun of me when I relapsed? Was he trivializing my multiple attempts at sobriety? Was he taking my inventory and finding that I came up woefully short?
I understand what he meant now. At least, I think I do.
The past two evenings, I've been at meetings where someone has shared, and I've thought, "There, but for the grace of God, go I." Hearing these stories, I'm rawly and newly aware of how narrowly I've escaped relapsing in the past weeks, when I've been finding excuses and reasons not to attend meetings, when I've cut off contact with my sponsor, and when I've begun to romanticize drinking and entertaining the thought that maybe I'm not a REAL alcoholic after all, and that I should just maybe TRY some controlled drinking and see how that goes.
Yeah. Right. Like I don't KNOW how that would go.
Tonight J shared. He was 3 weeks away from a year, from getting his MEDALLION, and he went back out. His wife (or girlfriend) came with him. She cried most of the meeting. He admitted he wasn't sober, but had come anyway to confess and pick up a white chip and start the day count over.
When we were in Raleigh recently, I had drinking dreams 2 nights in a row. They scared me, and thank God, they made me realize what I was allowing to happen, and how my thinking had wandered into insane territory again. I'm frightened because I'm going on a ski trip in less than 2 weeks, and it would be VERY easy for me to drink there and feel as if I'd "gotten away with it."
I don't WANT to get away with it though. I don't want to DRINK. I like my life sober SO much better than what it was like when I was drinking. I don't want to lose this new life. I don't want to have to start over. I don't want to put my husband through the kind of misery I watched that woman go through tonight.
So, at tomorrow's meeting, I'm going to say all this out loud. What my thinking has been. What I haven't been doing that I should be doing. How I'm scared that I'll drink again unless I start really working the program.
I think I need to start fresh, with a new sponsor. My sponsor is GREAT, but she's not right for me. I need someone who sees the role of faith in a similar way, and whose concept of God is nearer to mine. I'm not quite sure how to tell M (my sponsor) this, but I need to try. I owe her that, and I owe it to myself to start living honestly.
I've realized something else over the past couple of days. Not drinking is not the same as being and living sober. I want to be sober, and I want to live sober, not just to not drink.
I owe each and every one of you in this little circle of recovering friends a huge debt of gratitude, because you have played a huge role in my NOT picking up a drink in the last month or so.
But, I know I need to do more, and I know what it is.
So, as Scott W. would probably tell me, I need to Just.Do.It.
I used to get really mad when Scott W. would say things like (and I'm paraphrasing here) "You kept me sober today."
I wondered what the heck he meant. Was he making fun of me when I relapsed? Was he trivializing my multiple attempts at sobriety? Was he taking my inventory and finding that I came up woefully short?
I understand what he meant now. At least, I think I do.
The past two evenings, I've been at meetings where someone has shared, and I've thought, "There, but for the grace of God, go I." Hearing these stories, I'm rawly and newly aware of how narrowly I've escaped relapsing in the past weeks, when I've been finding excuses and reasons not to attend meetings, when I've cut off contact with my sponsor, and when I've begun to romanticize drinking and entertaining the thought that maybe I'm not a REAL alcoholic after all, and that I should just maybe TRY some controlled drinking and see how that goes.
Yeah. Right. Like I don't KNOW how that would go.
Tonight J shared. He was 3 weeks away from a year, from getting his MEDALLION, and he went back out. His wife (or girlfriend) came with him. She cried most of the meeting. He admitted he wasn't sober, but had come anyway to confess and pick up a white chip and start the day count over.
When we were in Raleigh recently, I had drinking dreams 2 nights in a row. They scared me, and thank God, they made me realize what I was allowing to happen, and how my thinking had wandered into insane territory again. I'm frightened because I'm going on a ski trip in less than 2 weeks, and it would be VERY easy for me to drink there and feel as if I'd "gotten away with it."
I don't WANT to get away with it though. I don't want to DRINK. I like my life sober SO much better than what it was like when I was drinking. I don't want to lose this new life. I don't want to have to start over. I don't want to put my husband through the kind of misery I watched that woman go through tonight.
So, at tomorrow's meeting, I'm going to say all this out loud. What my thinking has been. What I haven't been doing that I should be doing. How I'm scared that I'll drink again unless I start really working the program.
I think I need to start fresh, with a new sponsor. My sponsor is GREAT, but she's not right for me. I need someone who sees the role of faith in a similar way, and whose concept of God is nearer to mine. I'm not quite sure how to tell M (my sponsor) this, but I need to try. I owe her that, and I owe it to myself to start living honestly.
I've realized something else over the past couple of days. Not drinking is not the same as being and living sober. I want to be sober, and I want to live sober, not just to not drink.
I owe each and every one of you in this little circle of recovering friends a huge debt of gratitude, because you have played a huge role in my NOT picking up a drink in the last month or so.
But, I know I need to do more, and I know what it is.
So, as Scott W. would probably tell me, I need to Just.Do.It.
Ode to a Cupcake Monkey
There once was a girl named Tab,
Who authored a blog that was fab!
It got to be too much
(What with work and such);
Now Tab has no time to gab.
Farewell, our little (((Cupcake Monkey)))! You will be greatly missed by all of us who have come to know and love you (Boots is so broken up, he's comatose). Come back to the blogosphere whenever you have a chance.
We'll be saving you a seat.
MUAH! MUAH! xoxo
Monday, January 01, 2007
January 1, 2007
A new year.
The first year out of the last several that I haven't had to make a resolution to stop drinking, because I stopped 114 days ago, and I'm seeing that being sober is a very good thing, and infinitely better than continuing to drink.
So, as I stop a moment and take inventory, what DO I want to accomplish, what goals DO I want to achieve this year?
I'm so thankful for this gift of sober living. I'm grateful that I have good meetings to go to. I'm grateful for people I can call, who understand and talk me through a bad moment, or a bad day. I'm grateful that I have a husband who loves me enough to not bring alcohol into my presence, and who was happy to toast the new year in with apple juice and lemon-lime seltzer. I'm grateful that God is working in me, and is changing my attitudes and thought patterns, even my desires. I'm thankful that I started this new year with no hangover, and no panic, remorse or regret over what I did last night. I'm grateful that things worked out for a friend to house-sit for us while we were away, so that my sweet little Boots was well cared for and loved, and that Boots has finally forgiven us for going away. I'm grateful for a new year, a fresh, blank slate, as Mary Christine so eloquently stated.
I'm grateful for you, my wonderful blogging friends. May 2007 be a magnificent year for all of you—for all of us!!
The first year out of the last several that I haven't had to make a resolution to stop drinking, because I stopped 114 days ago, and I'm seeing that being sober is a very good thing, and infinitely better than continuing to drink.
So, as I stop a moment and take inventory, what DO I want to accomplish, what goals DO I want to achieve this year?
- To continue getting healthy, mentally, physically and spiritually.
- To begin focusing more on others.
- To rediscover what my passions are, and to pursue them, or at least begin to pursue them.
- To never, ever take for granted all that God has given me: friends, support, family, love, and health (just to name a few).
I'm so thankful for this gift of sober living. I'm grateful that I have good meetings to go to. I'm grateful for people I can call, who understand and talk me through a bad moment, or a bad day. I'm grateful that I have a husband who loves me enough to not bring alcohol into my presence, and who was happy to toast the new year in with apple juice and lemon-lime seltzer. I'm grateful that God is working in me, and is changing my attitudes and thought patterns, even my desires. I'm thankful that I started this new year with no hangover, and no panic, remorse or regret over what I did last night. I'm grateful that things worked out for a friend to house-sit for us while we were away, so that my sweet little Boots was well cared for and loved, and that Boots has finally forgiven us for going away. I'm grateful for a new year, a fresh, blank slate, as Mary Christine so eloquently stated.
I'm grateful for you, my wonderful blogging friends. May 2007 be a magnificent year for all of you—for all of us!!
Thursday, December 21, 2006
half-nAAked path to serenity
Okay, officially this doesn't qualify as HNT material 'cuz I'm not in it, but this is the path I ran this morning, courtesy Google Earth. I don't know if you can see the teeny-tiny numbers, but it's 2.04 miles! Up until today, I hadn't made it to the 2 mile mark. I'll never catch up with Mary Christine, but that's okay. I'm doing this for me, for my health (mental and physical), and my serenity, which is CRUCIAL to my sobriety. Come see some of my fellow runners in this race known as sober living at Half-nAAked Thursday.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Boots Got Tagged
Wrong Foot
*Sigh* I must have gotten out of bed on the wrong foot—or rather, on the wrong side—this morning.
Nothing's really wrong. I'm not dealing with huge issues of loss and grief, or overwhelming depression, or anything majorly serious. I'm just a little grumpy, for some reason.
Okay, I KNOW part of the reason is this: I've ordered a bunch of stuff online (compulsive buying is one of my alternate unhealthy coping mechanisms, so it kinda kicked into full gear when I quit drinking 3 months ago), a lot of which I'm going to return today. One of these things is a pair of jeans that I ordered in 2 sizes, not knowing which would fit better. Well, now the ones I was planning to return just about fit, and if I lose 2—3 more pounds, which has been my goal since starting on my diet and exercise plan, they'll fit (I can get into them comfortably now, but it won't hurt to lose another pound or 2). So—cut to the chase, DG!—I put the jeans on and showed my husband and asked what he thought.
R's response: "Do you really think you're going to be able to stay at that size once you go off the diet?"
Grrrrr.
Okay, okay.
I KNOW this is just a typical man's response (no offense to you guys out there, but you have a reputation as being a little thick-headed when it comes to these kind of things, especially in relationship issues). But, did he HAVE to respond with a question that makes me feel he's undermining me, and has no faith in my ability to stick with anything?
I KNOW I'm being paranoid and narcissistic about this, and I need to quit focusing on myself and on the negative. I just have to get this off my chest, though, before I explode.
I'm going to finish my coffee and go for a run.
I'll check back with y'all later.
Nothing's really wrong. I'm not dealing with huge issues of loss and grief, or overwhelming depression, or anything majorly serious. I'm just a little grumpy, for some reason.
Okay, I KNOW part of the reason is this: I've ordered a bunch of stuff online (compulsive buying is one of my alternate unhealthy coping mechanisms, so it kinda kicked into full gear when I quit drinking 3 months ago), a lot of which I'm going to return today. One of these things is a pair of jeans that I ordered in 2 sizes, not knowing which would fit better. Well, now the ones I was planning to return just about fit, and if I lose 2—3 more pounds, which has been my goal since starting on my diet and exercise plan, they'll fit (I can get into them comfortably now, but it won't hurt to lose another pound or 2). So—cut to the chase, DG!—I put the jeans on and showed my husband and asked what he thought.
R's response: "Do you really think you're going to be able to stay at that size once you go off the diet?"
Grrrrr.
Okay, okay.
I KNOW this is just a typical man's response (no offense to you guys out there, but you have a reputation as being a little thick-headed when it comes to these kind of things, especially in relationship issues). But, did he HAVE to respond with a question that makes me feel he's undermining me, and has no faith in my ability to stick with anything?
I KNOW I'm being paranoid and narcissistic about this, and I need to quit focusing on myself and on the negative. I just have to get this off my chest, though, before I explode.
I'm going to finish my coffee and go for a run.
I'll check back with y'all later.
Monday, December 18, 2006
100 days / skiing sober
This is a blatant request for HELP!!! and input from all you fellows and fellowettes out there.
Here's the deal. I'm going skiing in Vail, CO, January 13—21. I'm hugely psyched, I've started running to get in shape, I've got my skis, boots and poles, the travel arrangements have been made, and I'm 100 DAYS SOBER (100 Days!!! I didn't realize it 'til I just typed it!).
Last year, when I went skiing, though, I drank. I'll be with some of my same friends (at least one of whom knows I've quit drinking and am determined not to drink while there, and will support me) and others who don't know me. I'm intending to not drink, but I know I need to arm myself with more than good intentions.
Does anyone out there know of some good meetings I can go to while there? I've never been to Vail, so am not familiar with the layout of the town. I did look up an online listing of meetings there (scroll down the page to Vail), but I have no point of reference. I would imagine I can get to them via public transportation (which is very good in ski areas), once we get there, though. We're going to be staying at Landmark Tower.
Any tips you can give me will be appreciated. I'm so excited, because I know I'm going to ski so much better without alcohol in my system and minus the morning hangover, but I just don't want to take any chances on giving in to temptation, should it present itself.
Thanks!!!
Here's the deal. I'm going skiing in Vail, CO, January 13—21. I'm hugely psyched, I've started running to get in shape, I've got my skis, boots and poles, the travel arrangements have been made, and I'm 100 DAYS SOBER (100 Days!!! I didn't realize it 'til I just typed it!).
Last year, when I went skiing, though, I drank. I'll be with some of my same friends (at least one of whom knows I've quit drinking and am determined not to drink while there, and will support me) and others who don't know me. I'm intending to not drink, but I know I need to arm myself with more than good intentions.
Does anyone out there know of some good meetings I can go to while there? I've never been to Vail, so am not familiar with the layout of the town. I did look up an online listing of meetings there (scroll down the page to Vail), but I have no point of reference. I would imagine I can get to them via public transportation (which is very good in ski areas), once we get there, though. We're going to be staying at Landmark Tower.
Any tips you can give me will be appreciated. I'm so excited, because I know I'm going to ski so much better without alcohol in my system and minus the morning hangover, but I just don't want to take any chances on giving in to temptation, should it present itself.
Thanks!!!
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Soupy Saturday Gratitude
Today is drizzly and gray. A day my Mama would describe as "soupy." Despite the weather, I went for a short run this morning. Due to the humidity, as I sit here typing in my running clothers, I'm still quite damp.
But I feel good, and am very aware of so much for which I'm grateful this morning.
But I feel good, and am very aware of so much for which I'm grateful this morning.
- Today is R's and my 17th wedding anniversary.
- R's waking me up this morning with the Barney Rubble Happy Anniversay song. :)
- Not going ballistic when I drove off with my cell phone on top of my car, and it fell off in the middle of Federal Highway, where R found it 45 minutes later.
- R is an engineering genius and was able to take parts from his old cell phone and fix mine, after it had been run over numerous times.
- Having a meltdown last night at home BEFORE getting to the church for the Christmas play performance, but not yelling or cussing or screaming or blaming anyone else in the midst of it.
- A very loving and supportive husband, who tolerates the occasional meltdown because he understands that sometimes his wife just doesn't know how to cope with her fear and anxiety, but that she's trying to learn.
- Singing a solo without pre-medicating.
- My mother-in-law being such an easy houseguest.
- Realizing that broken dishes can be replaced, but not allowing my mother-in-law to help out in the kitchen would do irreparable damage to our relationship.
- 98 days of sobriety.
- A wonderful support network, both IRL and virtual.
- Beginning to learn to take things as they come, and to turn them over to my HP, and seeing that when I do, it's not more than we can handle together.
As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions.—Alchoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, pp. 87-88
Thursday, December 14, 2006
half-nAAked Stress Relief
While I'm no Mary Christine, these days I've begun reaching for my shoelaces, instead of for the bottle when I'm stressed. See some of those who inspire, motivate, and encourage me to keep running at Half-nAAked Thursday.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
A First
So, this morning, I'm sitting at the breakfast table after having just vomited, trying to force down a few bites of hard-boiled eggwhite.
Yep, this is my life these past few days. So stressed out that I toss my cookies before breakfast.
What am I stressed about? Honestly, I have no clue. Or, at least not much of one.
Lessee... There's the Christmas Extravaganza at church in which I'm singing a solo on Friday and Saturday nights... My mother-in-law is coming this morning at around 10:00 to stay with us for a week and I haven't hit a lick at a snake... Four days after she leaves, we're flying up to North Carolina for a visit with my folks for 10 days... Haven't even THOUGHT about Christmas shopping or putting up a tree or decorating the house... Or CARDS! I totally forgot about cards or a newsletter or anything, and a lot of people don't even know we've moved!... We have rats in the attic and R won't let me call an exterminator because HE wants to take care of it HIS way, and apparently, in HIS own sweet time... When am I going to have time to get a pedicure before Friday night?... We still haven't finished unpacking, and we've been here since AUGUST!... What are we going to do with Boots, while we're away for 10 days??... Why does Boots keep bringing in lizards, instead of hunting down those darn rats???
Anyway, back to the breakfast table.
I'm sitting there, willing the nausea to abate (to no avail), and the thought crosses my mind, You used to drink over stuff like this.
Another thought immediately follows: That sure as heck wouldn't help anything!
Okay, okay, I know this probably just seems like a normal conversation everyone has in their heads all the time.
But, this was a first for me! For the thought alcohol would only make things worse to come, unbidden, to mind—without my having to consciously think through how it would make things worse, and then convince myself that the short-term alleviation of stress is soooo not worth the long-term result of taking a drink again—is an absolute breakthrough for me!
And, I'm celebrating, by golly. Dove dark chocolate, here I come.
Yep, this is my life these past few days. So stressed out that I toss my cookies before breakfast.
What am I stressed about? Honestly, I have no clue. Or, at least not much of one.
Lessee... There's the Christmas Extravaganza at church in which I'm singing a solo on Friday and Saturday nights... My mother-in-law is coming this morning at around 10:00 to stay with us for a week and I haven't hit a lick at a snake... Four days after she leaves, we're flying up to North Carolina for a visit with my folks for 10 days... Haven't even THOUGHT about Christmas shopping or putting up a tree or decorating the house... Or CARDS! I totally forgot about cards or a newsletter or anything, and a lot of people don't even know we've moved!... We have rats in the attic and R won't let me call an exterminator because HE wants to take care of it HIS way, and apparently, in HIS own sweet time... When am I going to have time to get a pedicure before Friday night?... We still haven't finished unpacking, and we've been here since AUGUST!... What are we going to do with Boots, while we're away for 10 days??... Why does Boots keep bringing in lizards, instead of hunting down those darn rats???
Anyway, back to the breakfast table.
I'm sitting there, willing the nausea to abate (to no avail), and the thought crosses my mind, You used to drink over stuff like this.
Another thought immediately follows: That sure as heck wouldn't help anything!
Okay, okay, I know this probably just seems like a normal conversation everyone has in their heads all the time.
But, this was a first for me! For the thought alcohol would only make things worse to come, unbidden, to mind—without my having to consciously think through how it would make things worse, and then convince myself that the short-term alleviation of stress is soooo not worth the long-term result of taking a drink again—is an absolute breakthrough for me!
And, I'm celebrating, by golly. Dove dark chocolate, here I come.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
6 Weird Things
Okay, I'm doing this 'cuz I got tagged by Carly, so even though I normally hate participating in things of this nature, I'm going to be a good sport and play, 'cuz I loves me Carly-girl. :)
6 Weird Things About Me
The Rules: Each player of this game starts with the 6 Weird Things About You. People who get tagged need to write a blog entry of their own 6 Weird Things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged!" in their comments and tell them to read your blog!
6 Weird Things About Me
- When I clean my ears with a Q-tip, it always makes me sneeze.
- When I cook, I have to begin with a clean kitchen, even if it means doing the dishes first.
- I'm terrified of speaking in public, but I sing solos in church, and I'm pissed that I'm too old for American Idol.
- I normally don't shower until late afternoon or early evening, even if I get up early, unless I have somewhere to go earlier in the day.
- I absolutely have to read something, even if only for 5 minutes, before I can go to sleep at night.
- When I was small, I was terrified of monkeys, and frequently woke up screaming from nightmares involving monkeys (I have no idea where that fear originated).
The Rules: Each player of this game starts with the 6 Weird Things About You. People who get tagged need to write a blog entry of their own 6 Weird Things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged!" in their comments and tell them to read your blog!
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