28 Days

Well, this is it, folks.

The day has arrived.

Today, I travel north for an hour or so, and will enter a 28 day residential treatment program.

It's also been 28 days since my last drink.

I'm apprehensive, anxious, and cautiously hopeful and expectant.

I'm also very grateful:

• For a chance to work intensively for 28 days on getting and staying sober


• For the focus of this particular program on identifying the core issues and how to face them and finding and utilizing appropriate coping tools and methods


• For my pastor's enthusiastic and very real support of my entering this program


• For my husband's unwavering love and support


• For a chance to start over


• For my sponsor


• For my family


• For my friends


• For my sweet kitty, Boots, who's slept with me for the past week (he knows something's up!)


• For the speaker's story this past Saturday


• For all of you, my awesome blogging peeps


• For Justin Timberlake's Futuresex/Lovesounds, and for my MP3 player

Y'all will still be here when I get back, won't you?

Love you all. MUAH!!!! (((((mucho hugs)))))

Tick Tock

The almost firm plan now is for me to enter treatment on Monday, May 7. We found out our sucky insurance won't cover ANY of the $24K it's going to cost (geez! that's almost $1000.00 per day!!), so we're just going to put in on AmEx and then liquidate some of my investment accounts to pay off the credit card. R says that this is probably a good time to do it, since the market's been high lately. I know nothing about investments, mutual funds, the stock market, etc., so this completely terrifies me. All I know is that we currently have no income and we're gonna be paying out a big chunk of change.

And, I don't know if it's really even necessary. Lately, the following thoughts keep running through my head:

Do I really need to go to rehab, if I haven't hit rock bottom yet? I'm doing okay going to meetings, I've got a terrific sponsor and I've actually started doing the assignments she's given me for step 1. What am I going to learn in treatment that is so much more insightful and valuable that I can't learn it through listening to people share in the rooms, talking to my sponsor, and reading? Isn't it incredibly self-centered and selfish of me to take 28 days just to work on myself? How in heck do I justify that, when I've already put such a strain on mine and R's relationship, not to mention our finances?

And the one I am loathe to admit:

What if I put 28 days of my life into trying to change my outlook, beliefs, behaviors, thinking patterns, what-have-yous, and I go back home and it's still the same as it's always been? How can I change and go back to a life in which I've been so chronically miserable that I've felt the need to numb myself just to get through a day of it? What if nothing else changes???

I'm scared of going, and I'm scared of not going. This fear is paralyzing me. I don't know how to cope with it, except to pray, go to meetings, and call my sponsor. These all feel like mere stop-gap measures to me, though. I feel like a ticking time bomb, and no one knows exactly when the explosion will occur, but everyone knows it's imminent.

Never Say Never

Well, it looks like I will be going to treatment (something I said I'd never do), but I'm actually kind of pumped about it. The place where R wanted me to go seemed to me not to be the best fit, so I started talking to some of my girls at the meetings I've been attending, and got some really positive feedback about one place in particular. They seem to be very proactive in addressing women's issues and how they impact and are impacted by alcohol addiction (such as menopause and depression), and this is something I've been very concerned about for a good while (actually, it was the original premise for this blog). They seem to be very holistic, too, addressing the spiritual side quite thoroughly.

I filled out and submitted a preliminary information form online yesterday, and today, talked to someone who took my intake information. The financial person is supposed to call me to let me know where things stand. I know our insurance sucks and won't cover much, but I have investments that can be liquidated to pay the balance, and since it's my life that's at stake, it seems to be the thing to do. So, I'll probably be going either next week or the week after for 28 days of residential treatment.

I've gotten a new sponsor, and I've started doing the 90 in 90 again. Somehow, my new sponsor was not aware until today that I was considering treatment (I've talked to so many people about it that I thought for sure I'd discussed it with her, but I guess I hadn't), so I don't know how that will affect the whole 90 in 90 thing, but we seem to be really connecting, which is different from my relationship with my first sponsor. We talked for about an hour on the phone this morning, and she's given me a first step assignment that seems actually doable and helpful, rather than just overwhelming busy work.

I may be getting a part time design job, too. I'm meeting with a woman from one of my women's meetings tomorrow to discuss it. It would only be a few hours a week, but it would be steady. I told her about the treatment issue, and she says it's no problem for me to start once I get back.

I am really seeing God at work in the ways that things have started coming together. I had to put forth a little effort (calling my friend to ask her about the treatment center I was interested in, asking someone to be my new sponsor, letting it be known that I'm looking for work, etc.), but once I did, things have just started clicking.

Things do seem to be looking up, but, boy, is it a long way to the top from here!

Taking Home the Bronze

I ran my first 5K race this morning, and amazingly, placed third in my age group, with a time of 27:33.1, at a pace of 8:53 minutes per mile. Not fantastic, but not too shabby for the first time, either. I am ecstatic!

I have a pretty, shiny medal to show off, but infinitely more important is the satisfaction I've received in having accomplished something I had set as a goal, and giving it my best effort.

I would post a photo, but ants got in our digital camera and ruined the lens, so I'll have to wait until I can get a disposable film camera, or convince my husband that we need to go ahead and spring for a new digital.

Today I'm grateful for:

• Setting a goal and accomplishing it


• My value as a human being is not measured by my accomplishments


• I look great in bronze


• Being fit and strong


• My supportive husband who got up at 5:00 AM to take me to the race, and stayed to cheer me on


• Strong encouragement and support from my AA home group when I re-surrendered the night before last


• Fantastic meetings both Thursday and Friday evenings


• Forgiveness


• Love


• Hope


• Joy


• Faith

Tailspin

I've been drinking again. Binge drinking. On March 5, March 28 and 29, and April 9. The worst was the last time. I was in North Carolina, staying with my parents. Driving my mother's minivan. I went to the mall to return/exchange some items. I was leaving to return home the next day. Happy, exhilarated, a little apprehensive about how to tell R how much money I'd spent at Ann Taylor. I wanted a martini. A strawberry martini from The Cheesecake Factory, to be exact. No real planning, but no action to stop the thought from becoming a plan once it started. I went in, and ordered one. It was delicious. I paid, tipped and left. Got in my Mama's Windstar and drove around the block. Parked. Went back in and had two more. All I had eaten all day was one Clif bar and a tablespoon of some leftover meat/bean taco filler my sister had made, and I had run for 40 minutes that morning. Then I went to Food Lion and bought wine. The rest is kind of a blur. I do remember my mother asking me if I was drunk, and my responding with an indignant, incredulous What????, but beyond that just bits and pieces. My sister and her family were there, too, including four of my nieces and nephews. R is trying to get me into a rehab facility. I am mostly numb. Sometimes sad, sometimes angry (mostly at myself). Very depressed. Very regretful and remorseful. I am so not where I want to be, and I have only myself to blame. I went to a meeting last night. Will go to my home meeting and white chip tonight. I dread facing my home group and their seeing my failure, but if I don't, I'll just drink again, eventually. I don't know how to face my family. I wish I'd had the courage to share with them that I was facing my addiction to alcohol and going to AA, but I didn't, so now it's come out in a way that can only have frightened, bewildered and angered them. I've completely blown their trust, which took years to rebuild with my parents after my wild teenage and early adult years. Somehow, though, I am relieved that my "secret" is out. There really is truth in the statement that "we're only as sick as our secrets." If I'd been forthright and honest... well that's really just water under the bridge now.

Self Analysis

Hey, all. Everything's going okay. This week was a little difficult because I was inexplicably very volatile emotionally. I kept having those out-of-body moments where I'd be looking at this irrational woman ranting on and on about something absolutely trivial, and knowing that woman was none other than me. I was out of control, and knew it, but just unable to stop. At least I didn't drink, although I was bombarded by intense cravings from out of the blue on several occasions, and certainly fantasized about it before bringing myself up short and derailing those little mind trips.

I'm not sure what's going on. In a lot of ways, I feel like I back to where I was 4 to 5 months ago, and I guess that's pretty accurate in terms of where I was then and where I am now since my last drink. It's just hard to wrap my head around the undeniable fact that a week-long binge puts me back at square one, not just mentally, but apparently, physically, too. I think this is just the systemic "purge" that goes on for a while once you stop putting alcohol into your body. I'd forgotten how shitty that feels, and it's one more of those little factoids that shows me why exactly my life is so much more enjoyable and manageable without alcohol.

The one thing that helps me deal with the physical part of this is running. The days I don't run are the days I find myself depressed, moody, and volatile. I need to start crosstraining on the days I don't run.

I registered to enter my Very First Race. Ever. (Okay, not including elementary school PE.) It's a 5K called Tour of the Gables, and it's 3 weeks from today. I've pretty much been running this distance as my "normal" run, so I don't think endurance will be a problem. I do want to try to increase my speed, though, so I'm going to be focusing more on that in these weeks preceding the race.

I'm worried I'm getting too thin (ha! never thought I'd say that again...), so I think for the next week, I'm going to keep a food journal to monitor my caloric intake. I think what's happened here is that I adjusted my diet to lose weight and eat healthily over the past 4 months, but now that I'm exercising a lot more and am at (really beyond) my goal weight, I need to add back more complex carbs than I have (primarily whole grains, as I'm eating quite a few vegetable and fruit servings a day). I may need to add more protein, too, and maybe more good fat. Anyway, a food journal will help me to analyze and pinpoint what needs to change.

Gotta go. It's getting light and today's my day for a longer run, so I want to get out early.

Gettin' Out While the Gettin's Good

Well, hellooooo, everybody! I'm doing really well mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and sobrietally (I don't think sobrietally is a real word, but it should be!); just not in a very blogging frame of mind these days (too focused on other things, I guess).

I'm going to try to do 6 miles this morning (first "official" long run in my new training schedule). Yes, that's right. I've been inspired and challenged by MC's example to try to run a half marathon. The one I really want to do is the Miami Half Marathon (part of the Miami Marathon) in January, so I've got plenty of time to train for it. In the meantime, though, I'm probably going to join a local running group and enter some smaller races so I can get some official times accrued in order to enter the Miami race.

This is all new to me, but it's good for me to have a goal. I don't do well when I have no goals (boy, is that an understatement!). Anyhoo... it's a gorgeous, cool and breezy morning, so I want to get out there while the gettin's good (as we say in the South).

Update:
Well, I did it! 6.08 miles, in fact. It took me 62 minutes, so not great time, but so far, I've just been focusing on building up distance and stamina. I'll have to start working on increasing my speed now, too, I guess!

Pity Party Cancelled

If anyone saw the post earlier (now deleted) where I was feeling oh-so-sorry for myself 'cuz no one was making a big deal over my major big deal milestone 50th birthday, I apologize for subjecting you to my little pity party.

My husband (my WONDERFUL, handsome, loving, sexy husband) surprised me with no less than DIAMOND EARRINGS!!! The present I've wanted ever since we've been married.

When this man comes through, folks, he does it in a big way.

So, now, I'm gonna go eat cake and ice cream and watch Medium. This IS a good day!

5.0 on the Big Five-Oh

Actually, it was 5.30. Miles, that is. (Somehow, I miscalculated a bit when planning out my route).

Today's my natal birthday, and it's a big one. Half a century. The Big Five-Oh. To celebrate in classic Mary Christine style, I was determined to run 5.0 miles. My farthest distance prior to this had been 3.92 miles, but that was on a day which was significantly hotter and more humid, so I knew I had it in me to do this and I JUST DID IT!!!

If I can do this, I feel I can do just about anything.

Got to go... hubby is making me my birthday breakfast and it's just about ready!

Hugs and kisses to all of you! MUAH! xoxo

(Will try to do more of an update later.)

Just Keep On Keepin' On

I've been so wrapped up in myself and feeling ashamed and guilty that I've almost lost the sense of happiness and purpose that I'd begun to experience after having stayed sober for four months (prior to the infamous ski trips).

I think sometimes the guilt and shame are good and necessary, because they are real emotions which remind me of what I don't want to feel and experience on a daily basis. I have to temper that realization with not becoming so weighed down that I can't move forward again, and I think that's where I've been the last several weeks.

I have to move forward again. To embrace a sober, fulfilling, purposeful life. I'd begun to love my life and like myself again, and I want to get back to that place and start growing again.

The only way to do that is just do it, so that's what I'm gonna do.

I turn 50 tomorrow. I want the rest of my life to be one I like and can be proud of.

The Great Pretender

Yeah, that's me.

Only, it's not working so well, pretending.

This morning, I awoke at 6:25 A.M., after tossing and turning until sometime after 3:00 A.M., and just went ahead and got up, as I don't have time (what with church at 10:30 A.M. and all), to try to get back to sleep for the next three hours as I normally would.

So, here goes. The bald, unvarnished truth. The exposure of the lie I've been living for the past month and a half or so.

Not that some of you will be all that surprised. Surely, you've speculated—guessed— suspected that something's amiss, due to my infrequent posting. Or maybe not. Whatever.

Anyway, here it is: When I went skiing in January, I drank.

I didn't intend to. In fact, I intended NOT to. But, I did, and then I tried to hide it from you, from everyone back here in my normal, everyday life, and even to some degree, from myself.

That worked pretty well for a while. I told myself that it was a week-long momentary lapse. I compartmentalized it. I let myself begin to believe that I would and could allow myself to drink only on ski trips. And, that on the next one, I would exercise control and not have more than one beer at apres ski, and not more than one cocktail before dinner, and not more than one glass of wine with dinner—two, tops.

I went skiing again on February 10th. I had three dirty martinis on the plane out to Vail/Eagle.

The really sad part of this whole sad story is that my drinking friends tried to help me. My roommate asked me if I'd ever gone to AA and told me she'd not drink the rest of the trip and be my non-drinking buddy and support person. My other friend, staying in our condo, told me she'd do anything she could to support me, and that she hoped I'd get back into the program.

So, I started drinking behind their backs, and succeeded in getting royally plastered on two separate occasions.

Now, mind you, I had not drunk at all for the three weeks between the first and second trips, and yet within a few days time, I was back at the level that I had been at when I was drinking on a regular basis.

Why am I confessing all this here? Because, this is the one place where I've striven to be honest, and when I started hiding the truth and lying and avoiding coming here, I felt I'd hit a new bottom.

I held back from confessing before this for all the reasons we all have hidden and lied and avoided in the past. I didn't want you to know I'd failed. I didn't want you to be disappointed in me. I've been ashamed and filled with disgust, self-loathing, remorse and regret, but I kept telling myself to ignore it, and just get back to my normal life here and put it behind me. Go to meetings, get a new sponsor, and pick up my medallion in September, because it's over and it won't happen again, and I don't need to let everyone else down just because I failed.

I hope that's true. I hope it IS over and won't happen again, but in order for that to BE true, I can't keep hiding and lying about it.

The one thing I've held on to throughout all of this is that I don't want drinking to be part of my normal, everyday, real life. I've had enough of a taste (over 4 months) of sobriety to know that I like my life and myself so much better sober that I never want to start drinking on a regular basis again.

I've analyzed what led to my relapse as well as I can, and I'm still a little bewildered, but I also know that it began in my head, because I let myself believe that I could be and needed to be a different person in certain venues and situations. What I know now is that I have to be the same, authentic, non-drinking person in every situation, no matter how uncomfortable that is for me or anyone else, and the truth of the matter is, it's probably only uncomfortable for me, and that discomfort will eventually dissipate.

You know what I DON'T want from y'all right now? I don't want a lot of advice on what I should have done, or AA platitudes, or smugness or judgment, or oh-poor-yous. I know what I did. I know it was wrong and stupid and irrational and insane and inexcusable.

I also know that I'm an alcoholic and alcoholics mess up when they start getting full of themselves and think they can do it on their own. I know I can't. I know I will always need AA. I just need to be honest here, so that's what this is.

Personal Best

3.30 miles.

That was my distance this morning.

I am so thrilled that despite record-breaking heat and humidity, I just freakin' did it.

And, I have to admit that I am not-so-secretly very pleased and downright impressed with myself.

(Of course, My Nephew The Track Star is not so impressed, so there's that to keep me humble!)

Slowly, But Surely

I've had a cold since returning from skiing in Vail. It's been more annoying and frustrating than debilitating, but as it quickly went into my chest, I couldn't run for a week.

My plan was to begin running again the day after I returned, since the ski trip to Snowmass begins February 10th, and I need to stay in condition.

This week, despite still being somewhat sick, I was determined to do what I could. So, on Sunday, I ran about 1.75 miles. I ran a little more on Monday, yet a little more on Wednesday, and today I ran 2.76 miles, my farthest yet.

In many ways, this slow, incremental progress in my running mirrors the slow, incremental progress in my sobriety.

Sometimes I feel like I can keep going forever. My energy is high, I'm feeling strong and confident, it feels comfortable and easy, and I love doing something that I know is so good for me physically, mentally and emotionally.

Other times, though, it's all I can do to push on, to make myself put on my shorts and tie my shoelaces, and even as I head out, I'm thinking, I just can't do this today; it's too hard.

Those days, when it seems just too hard, I have to tell myself, Just do what you can today. Just go the distance. You can walk part of the way if you need to.

So, I start out, and at first, it's just like I'm fearing. No energy. Every breath an effort. My knee throbs.

But, I keep going, very slowly, really only jogging at first. Please, God, just help me get through the first block... Okay, we made that, let's keep going. My pace picks up a bit. We can at least do a mile!

By the time I'm up to the .5 mile mark, I'm feeling good, actually ENJOYING the run. A goofy grin breaks out on my face, but I don't care.

I can keep going forever.

MIA

Hey, everyone! Sorry about the lack of postiness.

Just got back from a week in Vail, and I'm a little under the weather with a cold or allergies (hopefully, just the latter).

Vail was great!!! I skied 6 days and improved significantly (on the last 2 days, I was actually starting to get the hang of doing moguls, getting a rhythm down, etc.). I'm sore and bruised (if you're not falling, you're not challenging yourself enough, right?), but I had a blast and didn't want to leave. I can't wait to go to Snowmass on February 10th!

Will post pics when I get them.

I'll do more of an update later, but just wanted to let y'all know I'm okay.

Love you all! MUAH!! xoxo

Surrender

Surrender.

It's a word we use a lot in AA.

Most of the time, I think I've heard it, and certainly understood it, relative to the concept of powerlessness. We admit that we are powerless over alcohol, and then surrender our desire to drink, our desire to have power over the desire to drink, our desire to control our drinking over to God, or at least God or a Higher Power as we understand him (or her or it or them). It's the waving of the white flag (and hence, the white chip) that signals to our peers and to ourselves AND to God, "I give up. You win. Take it."

I think that concept is valid. I could be wrong on a point or two here, or oversimplifying, but overall, that at least has been my understanding of surrender.

Last night my understanding of surrender grew.

A person who is a friend of my husband, but whom I personally dislike, was coming to stay at our house overnight so that R could drive him to the airport early this morning. There are a number of reasons I do not like this person, some reasonable, and some not. I was in a bad mood, depressed and irritable all day, and my mood was growing worse as evening approached.

I thought about drinking. R was going to be gone for over an hour while he went to pick this guy up from where he's been staying. I knew I had a window where I could run to the grocery store and get a bottle of wine. I entertained the idea for about 90 seconds, then decided I'd better hurry up and get dinner going so I could get to the women's meeting at 7:00 PM.

Somehow, I miscalculated the time I needed to cook, and so at 6:53 PM, I was just pulling the pork roast and herb-roasted sweet potatoes from the oven, and seasoning the steamed green beans. I knew I wasn't going to make it to the meeting. I just wanted to sit down on the kitchen floor and sob.

That was a choice I could make. Another would be to storm around, muttering under my breath, slamming doors and drawers and thinking murderous thoughts (because, after all, if it hadn't been for R's friend, WHOM I CAN'T STAND, this wouldn't be happening!!!). Or option number 3: I could pray and ask God to help me to accept this situation, be a gracious hostess, enjoy the delicious meal I'd made, and endeavor to make the evening enjoyable for all of us.

I chose the third option.

It dawned on me then that the reason I had briefly entertained the thought of drinking was up until four months ago, that was the only way I knew how to get through a situation like this. Once I'd had a glass of wine or a shot of vodka, I could calm down, and accept the situation and try to make the best of it. I realized, I DON'T NEED TO DO THAT NOW!!! Instead of drinking, I prayed, I made a conscious choice to turn my will over to God, and I let him direct me in the action I needed to take, and then took that action.

I still don't like R's friend, and I still don't like him staying with us, or even coming around, but I know I now have the tools to handle the awkwardness and discomfort I feel in those situations without drinking or being a bitch, and that's freakin' awesome.

120 Days

Yay me.

I'm excited about the 120 days.

Really.

I'm just so darn frustrated with Blogger that it's got me pissed off about everything else at this moment.

Pardon me for a sec.

*Ahem*

Serenity now! Serenity NOW! SERENITY NOW!!!!!

There. That's better.

(I think I may be a little hormonal for some reason.)

P.S. I've disabled the word verification feature and made it so anyone can comment. I'll see how that goes. Hopefully, that will make it easier for those of you who want to comment but have been frustrated by having to jump through all the hoops (and hopefully, I won't get slammed with spam).

Or it could be that I have no friends and no one wants to comment. Yeah... that's probably it, isn't it? No one likes me. Might as well go eat worms. :D

Blogger's Pushing My Buttons

I'm so frustrated with Blogger right now. I know this is NOT A BIG DEAL, but it's just making me feel depressed and angry. Probably tapping into all my control issues (and yes, I have quite a few).

I'm about at the point of deciding to just quit blogging.

Again, I KNOW this is not that big a deal.

Why is this bothering me so much??? I think it's because it makes me feel completely powerless, and I hate feeling that way.

I mean, I KNOW I'm powerless over alcohol. I can accept that, admit it, even embrace it. I don't always LIKE that it's true, but I KNOW it's true. I can make choices to live my life without it, in a positive, passionate, productive manner. I can turn it over to my HP, and let him handle it for me.

This crap is different. I should have SOME FREAKIN' MODICUM OF CONTROL over my damn blog. *Grrrrrrrrrr*

If It Ain't Broke...

Okay, so I made the switch, and upgraded my template to one of the "layout" versions, where you can drop and drag stuff, and change the font colors and page elements, etc.

All good, lotsa fun, etc.

Except, NOW, people who haven't yet made the switch, or aren't using the "layout" templates or SOMETHING ELSE I DON'T HAVE ANY FREAKIN' IDEA OF are showing up as "Anonymous" in the comments.

Does anyone know what's up with this, and if it can be fixed?

I'm wishing now I had just left things as they were.

I'm going to try to get to the bottom of this, and if there's a fix, implement it, but I'm not sure if that's even an option (yet) with this new version of Blogger. So, Blogging Peeps, can you please bear with this situation for now, and just add your name to your post when you comment?

I should have just left well enough alone. You know what they say: If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

*Sigh*

Saturday Gratitudes

• Right now, this is the worst of my problems.


• Skiing in Vail is only a week away!!!


• Great fellowship with my church homegroup (not AA) last night.


• Great meetings (AA) this week.


• A speaker meeting to look forward to later today.


• So far, I've not been struck with the cold and flu crud everyone else is getting (knock on wood).


• Getting healthier and stronger, mentally, physically and spiritually.


• My metabolism finally kicking into a higher gear.


• My sweet hubby.


• My (mostly) sweet kitty-kat.


• Awesome blogging peeps.


• Awesome RL peeps.


• AA offers us a solution.


• God never gives up on us or abandons us.


• Relief from frustration and stress is only as far away as my knees and my Nikes.

Nike Time

Okay, time to just do it.

For years, fear has prevented me from taking risks, from trying new things, from just getting out there, involved in life.

So, I'm moving ahead in my fear today.

I'm just going to go ahead and do it, and switch over to the new version of Blogger (I AM going to back up my template first, though!).

Here goes nothing...

UPDATE:
Okay, tried it, but they said it won't work for some reason or another, AT THIS TIME. Grrrr... I wonder if it's because I'm not using one of their templates???

UPDATE 2:
Now I've switched to one of their templates, and they STILL won't let me switch. Double Grrrr....

UPDATE 3, 12:35 AM 01/06/07:
Yay!!! Success at last. (Try it again, Scout.)

True Confessions

I have a confession to make.

I used to get really mad when Scott W. would say things like (and I'm paraphrasing here) "You kept me sober today."

I wondered what the heck he meant. Was he making fun of me when I relapsed? Was he trivializing my multiple attempts at sobriety? Was he taking my inventory and finding that I came up woefully short?

I understand what he meant now. At least, I think I do.

The past two evenings, I've been at meetings where someone has shared, and I've thought, "There, but for the grace of God, go I." Hearing these stories, I'm rawly and newly aware of how narrowly I've escaped relapsing in the past weeks, when I've been finding excuses and reasons not to attend meetings, when I've cut off contact with my sponsor, and when I've begun to romanticize drinking and entertaining the thought that maybe I'm not a REAL alcoholic after all, and that I should just maybe TRY some controlled drinking and see how that goes.

Yeah. Right. Like I don't KNOW how that would go.

Tonight J shared. He was 3 weeks away from a year, from getting his MEDALLION, and he went back out. His wife (or girlfriend) came with him. She cried most of the meeting. He admitted he wasn't sober, but had come anyway to confess and pick up a white chip and start the day count over.

When we were in Raleigh recently, I had drinking dreams 2 nights in a row. They scared me, and thank God, they made me realize what I was allowing to happen, and how my thinking had wandered into insane territory again. I'm frightened because I'm going on a ski trip in less than 2 weeks, and it would be VERY easy for me to drink there and feel as if I'd "gotten away with it."

I don't WANT to get away with it though. I don't want to DRINK. I like my life sober SO much better than what it was like when I was drinking. I don't want to lose this new life. I don't want to have to start over. I don't want to put my husband through the kind of misery I watched that woman go through tonight.

So, at tomorrow's meeting, I'm going to say all this out loud. What my thinking has been. What I haven't been doing that I should be doing. How I'm scared that I'll drink again unless I start really working the program.

I think I need to start fresh, with a new sponsor. My sponsor is GREAT, but she's not right for me. I need someone who sees the role of faith in a similar way, and whose concept of God is nearer to mine. I'm not quite sure how to tell M (my sponsor) this, but I need to try. I owe her that, and I owe it to myself to start living honestly.

I've realized something else over the past couple of days. Not drinking is not the same as being and living sober. I want to be sober, and I want to live sober, not just to not drink.

I owe each and every one of you in this little circle of recovering friends a huge debt of gratitude, because you have played a huge role in my NOT picking up a drink in the last month or so.

But, I know I need to do more, and I know what it is.

So, as Scott W. would probably tell me, I need to Just.Do.It.