Cycle of Life

My mom called me on Tuesday to tell me me a close friend of hers (and of our family) had died of lung cancer. It was quite a shock; I hadn't even known she was ill.

This lady was my mother's best friend all through high school, and they kept in touch throughout the years since. They both got married while still in high school, and had their first babies within six weeks of each other. When my parents eloped, Faye and her husband were the witnesses at their little civil ceremony, and Faye took the only exisiting snapshots of their nuptials.

When I was growing up, my great-grandfather lived in Fort Meyers, and whenever my family visited him, we'd head over to north Miami to visit Faye and her family for a few days, too. Faye's daughter was six weeks older than me, and even though we saw each other very infrequently, we shared a bond.

I called my mother yesterday to discuss Thanksgiving plans, and she told me that she'd found out that Faye's visitation was scheduled for that evening in the town next to us. I said I'd go and pay my respects.

I went about the day, not really feeling anything one way or the other about Faye's death. As I said, it was a shock, but I hadn't seen her or any of her family for years. My last conversation with her was when she called me to tell me she and her husband would not be able to attend my parents' 50th wedding anniversary celebration.

R was watching the news, and I decided to go and drop off my prescriptions at Walgreens, so they'd be ready to pick up when we went out later. I got to the pharmacy and couldn't find the prescriptions. I came home and searched frantically for them, and became convinced that they must have fallen out of my purse and been thrown in the trash and Walgreens.

I had a total meltdown, crying hysterically, and telling myself how stupid and irresponsible and disorganized I was, inwardly seething at R for refusing to get involved in my drama. I was aware that my emotional outburst had nothing to do with the actual circumstances of losing my prescriptions (which of course, I had misplaced and found later), but I couldn't pinpoint what the true cause was.

It wasn't until I saw my friend that I understood that my emotions were grief and fear. Grief for the loss of someone who had impacted my life, and who had been such an important part of my mother's life. Grief for my friend's loss of her mother. Fear of feeling uncomfortable, of not having the right words to say. Fear of the reality of death, and the prospect of losing my own parents. Faye was a year and a half younger than my mother, and she's dead. I still think of my mom as being relatively young (she's only 19 years older than I am), but the fact is she's 70 now. My dad is 70 now. I'm older, and they're older, and death is part of the cycle of life.

I am so thankful that I went last night, and was there for J, my friend. When I walked in, she said, "Do I recognize that face? Is that a face for me?" We hugged and held each other. Even though it had been years since we'd seen one another, that connection was still there. We shared memories and tears and laughter.

I am so grateful for the gift of sobriety, even though it means I have to feel my emotions and deal with them, rather than ignoring and numbing them. When I was drinking, I would not have gone. I would have been overwhelmed with the emotions I couldn't identify and would have wanted to obliterate them immediately. I would have drunk, maybe just a little to calm my nerves at first, but I would have gotten too drunk to go.

Instead, I was able to go and support my friend. Thank you, God.

I Hear Voices

As of right now, it's been 4 days, 13 hours, 9 minutes and 26 seconds since I've smoked a cigarette, which totals 90 cigarettes not smoked, and $22.50 saved (I smoked expensive cigarettes). That's enough for a pedicure! I guess I can afford to treat myself to one! :)

It feels so easy right now. It's like, "Oh yeah, this is a piece of cake. I'm a non-smoker now. I can do this for the rest of my life, no problem."

Only, I'm an alcoholic and addict. And this is the voice of my addiction. I have names for all its various guises, and this one is Nikki.

Nikki wants to lull me into a false sense of security, pride and grandiosity, to make me think that I can do anything I put my mind to, and then, when I've become complacent and non-vigilant, and I'm most vulnerable or least expecting it, she'll tell me it's okay to smoke just one cigarette, that I deserve it because of whatever I'm going through at the moment, and AT LEAST IT'S NOT AS BAD AS DRINKING!

Whether it's Al, Nikki, Edy, or whatever other guise my addiction assumes, I have to be ready, and I have to be able to recognize it for what it is. So, for this alcoholic and addict, vigilance, awareness, prayer and reliance on my Higher Power and the support of others is key. Without having those factors in my life, and without working a good 12-step program, I'm lost.

Thank God, for this fellowship and this program, which teaches us HOW to live, and gives us the desire to do so!

Hi, I'm an Alcoholic and Addict and My Name is Pam

But you can call me PJ (my IRL initials, and a moniker given to me by someone I met while in treatment, so I like it).

Designer Girl is still here. She's part of who I am, but she's not all of me. She doesn't define me. I am enough, just as I am. Just plain and simple Pam or PJ.

I've been trying some different meetings and found one I LOVE that meets on Sunday evenings. It's a Big Book study, which is something I need on my meeting schedule, and is very small, comfortable and laid back, but serious about sobriety and recovery. I plan to make it a permanent addition, at least for now.

I'm still doing outpatient treatment once a week, plus therapy and spiritual care, and am working with my sponsor here now. We're going to do my 5th Step together, even though I'd already done it with my sponsor in Palm Beach Gardens, and I'm excited about her getting to know me better, and my being able to receive her insight, wisdom and experience, too.

My life is very good, and I am so grateful for it. I love what sobriety is bringing to me, and I never want to lose that.

Cross-Addiction

While I was in rehab, I picked up smoking. After 25 years. I started out at about 6 cigarettes a day, then quickly (within 3 days) was back up to my old habit of a pack or more a day.

After about 6 weeks, the nurse practitioner put me on Chantix (at my request), but it made me so nauseated that I quit taking it the day I went up to a full milligram in the morning (after vomiting twice).

So here I am, sober, but smoking. My husband is none too happy. I don't like the fact that I spent $70,000.00 on treatment for one addiction just to pick up another one that is also terrible for me. I hate the way my hair, clothes, breath and car smell.

Against the advice of my therapist who thinks I shouldn't try to stop smoking so early in my sobriety, I'm giving the Chantix another try. I'm making sure to take it with food, and to drink plenty of water. I'm still just on the .5 milligram once a day dose, but so far, so good. I'm still smoking, but yesterday I lit up a Camel Frost and had to put it out after a few drags (my Djarum Bali Hais are still tasting pretty good, though).

I've started another blog, Breathe Again, to help me along THIS particular journey, so I'd appreciate any support and advice any of you former smokers or want-to-be-former-smokers can give me.

Sobriety-wise, I'm doing okay. Not dealing with any major cravings, although I did have some this past weekend, but it was the stress of moving back home and leaving my life in treatment behind, and I handled it by going to meetings, talking about it to my sponsor, therapist and alcoholic friends, and processing it to get to the bottom of what was going on.

I've only been to one good meeting since I've been here. I went to my home group yesterday afternoon, and it's totally changed. People were talking all through the meeting, there wasn't an atmosphere of mutual respect and consideration, and it was just not what I needed.

That's okay. Meetings change, and there are plenty in this area. I just need to visit some new ones and find the ones that are right for me. I'm grateful that I live in an area where there are a number of meetings to choose from, and I'm grateful that I can walk into any one of them and know I'll be among friends.

Return from Rehab

Hey, everyone, I'm BACK!!! I've learned so much about myself, about what it means to want this, to surrender, to stay connected with my Higher Power, and to work the program AA offers as the solution to my problem.

For some reason, I'm tired. I thought I'd be excited to be home, but I think I'm grieving the loss of leaving. I'm going to continue outpatient treatment, going up once a week for a group, and to meet with my therapist. I'm in a good, solid, place emotionally, spiritually and physically, but I guess there is a LOT of fear about being back in the "real world" and having to move forward, meeting my fears and walking through them with the support of others in the program, and turning them over to my Higher Power.

I've just completed my fifth step with my sponsor in Palm Beach Gardens, but my therapist wants me to do it with her as well. My sponsor and I also did Steps 6 and 7, and the beginning of 8. I realize, though, that I need to add to my fourth step inventory some things I didn't think about, so I'll do that before doing the fifth step with my therapist.

I am so grateful!

• Grateful for this gift of time to work on myself and focus on issues that have contributed to my drinking and my inability to stay sober.


• Grateful to have God in my life again, and to be able to turn things over to Him.


• Grateful to be able to accept and offer forgiveness.


• Grateful there is a solution, and that I can live in it and have a life that is full, joyful, and meaningful.


• Grateful that I have many years of recovery ahead of me to grow, and to work with others and give back to this program.


• And last, but not least . . . grateful that I can delete comments forever!

Independence Day!

Hey, everyone!!!

Well, it's been 57 days since my last post, but who's counting, right?

To update all of you who've kept me in your prayers and may be wondering where the heck I am... I decided to stay in treatment for an additional 28 days. I've had no Internet access until yesterday, when I reupped for an additional 28 days.

I'm now in one of the "Butterfly" houses, which is a halfway house owned by my treatment center. It's absolutely beautiful, with a lagoon-like pool and garden area, and I LOVE it here. My roomates are two of the "younger chicas" I've been in treatment with.

My husband and I are going to start marriage counseling this coming Friday, and I'm really excited about our future. He's been completely supportive of my continuing treatment, and is starting to plan fun things for us to do once I come home. I'll probably transition from this house to one with a little more freedom, and just take it as it comes, one day at a time.

I'm so unbelievably happy! I'm rediscovering who I am, learning to accept and love myself, flaws and all, and am really working on my character defects and core issues. I've also reconnected with my Higher Power, and now really am able to believe that He loves and accepts me and cherishes me right now, as I am. I am ENOUGH. For the first time in my life, I'm really able to say this and more importantly, believe it.

We're having the girls over from the other Butterly house for a 4th of July party, and they've just arrived, so I'm going to sign off for now. More, later...

I love you all. Thanks so much for your comments, your prayers, and your love, support and encouragement. You are and will continue to be a huge part of my recovery.

XOXO (((HUGS)))

28 Days

Well, this is it, folks.

The day has arrived.

Today, I travel north for an hour or so, and will enter a 28 day residential treatment program.

It's also been 28 days since my last drink.

I'm apprehensive, anxious, and cautiously hopeful and expectant.

I'm also very grateful:

• For a chance to work intensively for 28 days on getting and staying sober


• For the focus of this particular program on identifying the core issues and how to face them and finding and utilizing appropriate coping tools and methods


• For my pastor's enthusiastic and very real support of my entering this program


• For my husband's unwavering love and support


• For a chance to start over


• For my sponsor


• For my family


• For my friends


• For my sweet kitty, Boots, who's slept with me for the past week (he knows something's up!)


• For the speaker's story this past Saturday


• For all of you, my awesome blogging peeps


• For Justin Timberlake's Futuresex/Lovesounds, and for my MP3 player

Y'all will still be here when I get back, won't you?

Love you all. MUAH!!!! (((((mucho hugs)))))

Tick Tock

The almost firm plan now is for me to enter treatment on Monday, May 7. We found out our sucky insurance won't cover ANY of the $24K it's going to cost (geez! that's almost $1000.00 per day!!), so we're just going to put in on AmEx and then liquidate some of my investment accounts to pay off the credit card. R says that this is probably a good time to do it, since the market's been high lately. I know nothing about investments, mutual funds, the stock market, etc., so this completely terrifies me. All I know is that we currently have no income and we're gonna be paying out a big chunk of change.

And, I don't know if it's really even necessary. Lately, the following thoughts keep running through my head:

Do I really need to go to rehab, if I haven't hit rock bottom yet? I'm doing okay going to meetings, I've got a terrific sponsor and I've actually started doing the assignments she's given me for step 1. What am I going to learn in treatment that is so much more insightful and valuable that I can't learn it through listening to people share in the rooms, talking to my sponsor, and reading? Isn't it incredibly self-centered and selfish of me to take 28 days just to work on myself? How in heck do I justify that, when I've already put such a strain on mine and R's relationship, not to mention our finances?

And the one I am loathe to admit:

What if I put 28 days of my life into trying to change my outlook, beliefs, behaviors, thinking patterns, what-have-yous, and I go back home and it's still the same as it's always been? How can I change and go back to a life in which I've been so chronically miserable that I've felt the need to numb myself just to get through a day of it? What if nothing else changes???

I'm scared of going, and I'm scared of not going. This fear is paralyzing me. I don't know how to cope with it, except to pray, go to meetings, and call my sponsor. These all feel like mere stop-gap measures to me, though. I feel like a ticking time bomb, and no one knows exactly when the explosion will occur, but everyone knows it's imminent.

Never Say Never

Well, it looks like I will be going to treatment (something I said I'd never do), but I'm actually kind of pumped about it. The place where R wanted me to go seemed to me not to be the best fit, so I started talking to some of my girls at the meetings I've been attending, and got some really positive feedback about one place in particular. They seem to be very proactive in addressing women's issues and how they impact and are impacted by alcohol addiction (such as menopause and depression), and this is something I've been very concerned about for a good while (actually, it was the original premise for this blog). They seem to be very holistic, too, addressing the spiritual side quite thoroughly.

I filled out and submitted a preliminary information form online yesterday, and today, talked to someone who took my intake information. The financial person is supposed to call me to let me know where things stand. I know our insurance sucks and won't cover much, but I have investments that can be liquidated to pay the balance, and since it's my life that's at stake, it seems to be the thing to do. So, I'll probably be going either next week or the week after for 28 days of residential treatment.

I've gotten a new sponsor, and I've started doing the 90 in 90 again. Somehow, my new sponsor was not aware until today that I was considering treatment (I've talked to so many people about it that I thought for sure I'd discussed it with her, but I guess I hadn't), so I don't know how that will affect the whole 90 in 90 thing, but we seem to be really connecting, which is different from my relationship with my first sponsor. We talked for about an hour on the phone this morning, and she's given me a first step assignment that seems actually doable and helpful, rather than just overwhelming busy work.

I may be getting a part time design job, too. I'm meeting with a woman from one of my women's meetings tomorrow to discuss it. It would only be a few hours a week, but it would be steady. I told her about the treatment issue, and she says it's no problem for me to start once I get back.

I am really seeing God at work in the ways that things have started coming together. I had to put forth a little effort (calling my friend to ask her about the treatment center I was interested in, asking someone to be my new sponsor, letting it be known that I'm looking for work, etc.), but once I did, things have just started clicking.

Things do seem to be looking up, but, boy, is it a long way to the top from here!

Taking Home the Bronze

I ran my first 5K race this morning, and amazingly, placed third in my age group, with a time of 27:33.1, at a pace of 8:53 minutes per mile. Not fantastic, but not too shabby for the first time, either. I am ecstatic!

I have a pretty, shiny medal to show off, but infinitely more important is the satisfaction I've received in having accomplished something I had set as a goal, and giving it my best effort.

I would post a photo, but ants got in our digital camera and ruined the lens, so I'll have to wait until I can get a disposable film camera, or convince my husband that we need to go ahead and spring for a new digital.

Today I'm grateful for:

• Setting a goal and accomplishing it


• My value as a human being is not measured by my accomplishments


• I look great in bronze


• Being fit and strong


• My supportive husband who got up at 5:00 AM to take me to the race, and stayed to cheer me on


• Strong encouragement and support from my AA home group when I re-surrendered the night before last


• Fantastic meetings both Thursday and Friday evenings


• Forgiveness


• Love


• Hope


• Joy


• Faith

Tailspin

I've been drinking again. Binge drinking. On March 5, March 28 and 29, and April 9. The worst was the last time. I was in North Carolina, staying with my parents. Driving my mother's minivan. I went to the mall to return/exchange some items. I was leaving to return home the next day. Happy, exhilarated, a little apprehensive about how to tell R how much money I'd spent at Ann Taylor. I wanted a martini. A strawberry martini from The Cheesecake Factory, to be exact. No real planning, but no action to stop the thought from becoming a plan once it started. I went in, and ordered one. It was delicious. I paid, tipped and left. Got in my Mama's Windstar and drove around the block. Parked. Went back in and had two more. All I had eaten all day was one Clif bar and a tablespoon of some leftover meat/bean taco filler my sister had made, and I had run for 40 minutes that morning. Then I went to Food Lion and bought wine. The rest is kind of a blur. I do remember my mother asking me if I was drunk, and my responding with an indignant, incredulous What????, but beyond that just bits and pieces. My sister and her family were there, too, including four of my nieces and nephews. R is trying to get me into a rehab facility. I am mostly numb. Sometimes sad, sometimes angry (mostly at myself). Very depressed. Very regretful and remorseful. I am so not where I want to be, and I have only myself to blame. I went to a meeting last night. Will go to my home meeting and white chip tonight. I dread facing my home group and their seeing my failure, but if I don't, I'll just drink again, eventually. I don't know how to face my family. I wish I'd had the courage to share with them that I was facing my addiction to alcohol and going to AA, but I didn't, so now it's come out in a way that can only have frightened, bewildered and angered them. I've completely blown their trust, which took years to rebuild with my parents after my wild teenage and early adult years. Somehow, though, I am relieved that my "secret" is out. There really is truth in the statement that "we're only as sick as our secrets." If I'd been forthright and honest... well that's really just water under the bridge now.

Self Analysis

Hey, all. Everything's going okay. This week was a little difficult because I was inexplicably very volatile emotionally. I kept having those out-of-body moments where I'd be looking at this irrational woman ranting on and on about something absolutely trivial, and knowing that woman was none other than me. I was out of control, and knew it, but just unable to stop. At least I didn't drink, although I was bombarded by intense cravings from out of the blue on several occasions, and certainly fantasized about it before bringing myself up short and derailing those little mind trips.

I'm not sure what's going on. In a lot of ways, I feel like I back to where I was 4 to 5 months ago, and I guess that's pretty accurate in terms of where I was then and where I am now since my last drink. It's just hard to wrap my head around the undeniable fact that a week-long binge puts me back at square one, not just mentally, but apparently, physically, too. I think this is just the systemic "purge" that goes on for a while once you stop putting alcohol into your body. I'd forgotten how shitty that feels, and it's one more of those little factoids that shows me why exactly my life is so much more enjoyable and manageable without alcohol.

The one thing that helps me deal with the physical part of this is running. The days I don't run are the days I find myself depressed, moody, and volatile. I need to start crosstraining on the days I don't run.

I registered to enter my Very First Race. Ever. (Okay, not including elementary school PE.) It's a 5K called Tour of the Gables, and it's 3 weeks from today. I've pretty much been running this distance as my "normal" run, so I don't think endurance will be a problem. I do want to try to increase my speed, though, so I'm going to be focusing more on that in these weeks preceding the race.

I'm worried I'm getting too thin (ha! never thought I'd say that again...), so I think for the next week, I'm going to keep a food journal to monitor my caloric intake. I think what's happened here is that I adjusted my diet to lose weight and eat healthily over the past 4 months, but now that I'm exercising a lot more and am at (really beyond) my goal weight, I need to add back more complex carbs than I have (primarily whole grains, as I'm eating quite a few vegetable and fruit servings a day). I may need to add more protein, too, and maybe more good fat. Anyway, a food journal will help me to analyze and pinpoint what needs to change.

Gotta go. It's getting light and today's my day for a longer run, so I want to get out early.

Gettin' Out While the Gettin's Good

Well, hellooooo, everybody! I'm doing really well mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and sobrietally (I don't think sobrietally is a real word, but it should be!); just not in a very blogging frame of mind these days (too focused on other things, I guess).

I'm going to try to do 6 miles this morning (first "official" long run in my new training schedule). Yes, that's right. I've been inspired and challenged by MC's example to try to run a half marathon. The one I really want to do is the Miami Half Marathon (part of the Miami Marathon) in January, so I've got plenty of time to train for it. In the meantime, though, I'm probably going to join a local running group and enter some smaller races so I can get some official times accrued in order to enter the Miami race.

This is all new to me, but it's good for me to have a goal. I don't do well when I have no goals (boy, is that an understatement!). Anyhoo... it's a gorgeous, cool and breezy morning, so I want to get out there while the gettin's good (as we say in the South).

Update:
Well, I did it! 6.08 miles, in fact. It took me 62 minutes, so not great time, but so far, I've just been focusing on building up distance and stamina. I'll have to start working on increasing my speed now, too, I guess!

Pity Party Cancelled

If anyone saw the post earlier (now deleted) where I was feeling oh-so-sorry for myself 'cuz no one was making a big deal over my major big deal milestone 50th birthday, I apologize for subjecting you to my little pity party.

My husband (my WONDERFUL, handsome, loving, sexy husband) surprised me with no less than DIAMOND EARRINGS!!! The present I've wanted ever since we've been married.

When this man comes through, folks, he does it in a big way.

So, now, I'm gonna go eat cake and ice cream and watch Medium. This IS a good day!

5.0 on the Big Five-Oh

Actually, it was 5.30. Miles, that is. (Somehow, I miscalculated a bit when planning out my route).

Today's my natal birthday, and it's a big one. Half a century. The Big Five-Oh. To celebrate in classic Mary Christine style, I was determined to run 5.0 miles. My farthest distance prior to this had been 3.92 miles, but that was on a day which was significantly hotter and more humid, so I knew I had it in me to do this and I JUST DID IT!!!

If I can do this, I feel I can do just about anything.

Got to go... hubby is making me my birthday breakfast and it's just about ready!

Hugs and kisses to all of you! MUAH! xoxo

(Will try to do more of an update later.)

Just Keep On Keepin' On

I've been so wrapped up in myself and feeling ashamed and guilty that I've almost lost the sense of happiness and purpose that I'd begun to experience after having stayed sober for four months (prior to the infamous ski trips).

I think sometimes the guilt and shame are good and necessary, because they are real emotions which remind me of what I don't want to feel and experience on a daily basis. I have to temper that realization with not becoming so weighed down that I can't move forward again, and I think that's where I've been the last several weeks.

I have to move forward again. To embrace a sober, fulfilling, purposeful life. I'd begun to love my life and like myself again, and I want to get back to that place and start growing again.

The only way to do that is just do it, so that's what I'm gonna do.

I turn 50 tomorrow. I want the rest of my life to be one I like and can be proud of.

The Great Pretender

Yeah, that's me.

Only, it's not working so well, pretending.

This morning, I awoke at 6:25 A.M., after tossing and turning until sometime after 3:00 A.M., and just went ahead and got up, as I don't have time (what with church at 10:30 A.M. and all), to try to get back to sleep for the next three hours as I normally would.

So, here goes. The bald, unvarnished truth. The exposure of the lie I've been living for the past month and a half or so.

Not that some of you will be all that surprised. Surely, you've speculated—guessed— suspected that something's amiss, due to my infrequent posting. Or maybe not. Whatever.

Anyway, here it is: When I went skiing in January, I drank.

I didn't intend to. In fact, I intended NOT to. But, I did, and then I tried to hide it from you, from everyone back here in my normal, everyday life, and even to some degree, from myself.

That worked pretty well for a while. I told myself that it was a week-long momentary lapse. I compartmentalized it. I let myself begin to believe that I would and could allow myself to drink only on ski trips. And, that on the next one, I would exercise control and not have more than one beer at apres ski, and not more than one cocktail before dinner, and not more than one glass of wine with dinner—two, tops.

I went skiing again on February 10th. I had three dirty martinis on the plane out to Vail/Eagle.

The really sad part of this whole sad story is that my drinking friends tried to help me. My roommate asked me if I'd ever gone to AA and told me she'd not drink the rest of the trip and be my non-drinking buddy and support person. My other friend, staying in our condo, told me she'd do anything she could to support me, and that she hoped I'd get back into the program.

So, I started drinking behind their backs, and succeeded in getting royally plastered on two separate occasions.

Now, mind you, I had not drunk at all for the three weeks between the first and second trips, and yet within a few days time, I was back at the level that I had been at when I was drinking on a regular basis.

Why am I confessing all this here? Because, this is the one place where I've striven to be honest, and when I started hiding the truth and lying and avoiding coming here, I felt I'd hit a new bottom.

I held back from confessing before this for all the reasons we all have hidden and lied and avoided in the past. I didn't want you to know I'd failed. I didn't want you to be disappointed in me. I've been ashamed and filled with disgust, self-loathing, remorse and regret, but I kept telling myself to ignore it, and just get back to my normal life here and put it behind me. Go to meetings, get a new sponsor, and pick up my medallion in September, because it's over and it won't happen again, and I don't need to let everyone else down just because I failed.

I hope that's true. I hope it IS over and won't happen again, but in order for that to BE true, I can't keep hiding and lying about it.

The one thing I've held on to throughout all of this is that I don't want drinking to be part of my normal, everyday, real life. I've had enough of a taste (over 4 months) of sobriety to know that I like my life and myself so much better sober that I never want to start drinking on a regular basis again.

I've analyzed what led to my relapse as well as I can, and I'm still a little bewildered, but I also know that it began in my head, because I let myself believe that I could be and needed to be a different person in certain venues and situations. What I know now is that I have to be the same, authentic, non-drinking person in every situation, no matter how uncomfortable that is for me or anyone else, and the truth of the matter is, it's probably only uncomfortable for me, and that discomfort will eventually dissipate.

You know what I DON'T want from y'all right now? I don't want a lot of advice on what I should have done, or AA platitudes, or smugness or judgment, or oh-poor-yous. I know what I did. I know it was wrong and stupid and irrational and insane and inexcusable.

I also know that I'm an alcoholic and alcoholics mess up when they start getting full of themselves and think they can do it on their own. I know I can't. I know I will always need AA. I just need to be honest here, so that's what this is.

Personal Best

3.30 miles.

That was my distance this morning.

I am so thrilled that despite record-breaking heat and humidity, I just freakin' did it.

And, I have to admit that I am not-so-secretly very pleased and downright impressed with myself.

(Of course, My Nephew The Track Star is not so impressed, so there's that to keep me humble!)

Slowly, But Surely

I've had a cold since returning from skiing in Vail. It's been more annoying and frustrating than debilitating, but as it quickly went into my chest, I couldn't run for a week.

My plan was to begin running again the day after I returned, since the ski trip to Snowmass begins February 10th, and I need to stay in condition.

This week, despite still being somewhat sick, I was determined to do what I could. So, on Sunday, I ran about 1.75 miles. I ran a little more on Monday, yet a little more on Wednesday, and today I ran 2.76 miles, my farthest yet.

In many ways, this slow, incremental progress in my running mirrors the slow, incremental progress in my sobriety.

Sometimes I feel like I can keep going forever. My energy is high, I'm feeling strong and confident, it feels comfortable and easy, and I love doing something that I know is so good for me physically, mentally and emotionally.

Other times, though, it's all I can do to push on, to make myself put on my shorts and tie my shoelaces, and even as I head out, I'm thinking, I just can't do this today; it's too hard.

Those days, when it seems just too hard, I have to tell myself, Just do what you can today. Just go the distance. You can walk part of the way if you need to.

So, I start out, and at first, it's just like I'm fearing. No energy. Every breath an effort. My knee throbs.

But, I keep going, very slowly, really only jogging at first. Please, God, just help me get through the first block... Okay, we made that, let's keep going. My pace picks up a bit. We can at least do a mile!

By the time I'm up to the .5 mile mark, I'm feeling good, actually ENJOYING the run. A goofy grin breaks out on my face, but I don't care.

I can keep going forever.

MIA

Hey, everyone! Sorry about the lack of postiness.

Just got back from a week in Vail, and I'm a little under the weather with a cold or allergies (hopefully, just the latter).

Vail was great!!! I skied 6 days and improved significantly (on the last 2 days, I was actually starting to get the hang of doing moguls, getting a rhythm down, etc.). I'm sore and bruised (if you're not falling, you're not challenging yourself enough, right?), but I had a blast and didn't want to leave. I can't wait to go to Snowmass on February 10th!

Will post pics when I get them.

I'll do more of an update later, but just wanted to let y'all know I'm okay.

Love you all! MUAH!! xoxo