Just a Receptionist

(I wrote this on March 9th, but never posted it here. I was going to start another blog about my new job, but don't know if that's something I want to commit to right now. Anyway, this is what I wrote, and I think it's very apropos to this blog!)

I’m just a receptionist. At age 51. Making $10 an hour.

And I love it! I love my job, I love my boss, and I love my life.

I couldn’t say that one year ago. A year ago, I was a rarely employed, unmotivated freelance web designer. I had no confidence in myself or my abilities and talents, and I certainly had no confidence that others would be able to see, acknowledge, and appreciate them.

A year ago, I wondered how many more years my life would go on with nothing to look forward to, nothing to get up in the morning for, nothing that brought me any joy.

Today, I remember feeling that way, and it both awes and scares me. Awes me because now I rarely have those moments of such deep despondence and despair that I would rather just not continue to live. I still get overwhelmed, but I think I’m learning to face what I fear and to what through it, not perfectly, but still coming out on the other side, knowing I’ve made it through. It does scare me though, because I know that if I again become unaware or nonchalant or negligent, I can get back there faster than I can imagine.

And I don’t want that.

I want this. This new life, this new chance, this beginning of a new journey. The saying goes that a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. That’s why I’m okay with a receptionist position and a receptionist pay level.

Because at least I’ve taken that first step back into life. And I only need to look ahead and take the next step and the next, being careful to be aware of my footing and any obstacles, but moving forward. Always moving forward.

"The Time Has Come..."

...the Guru said
"To talk of many things:
Of hats--and shirts--and spam comments--
Of CafePress--and Kings--
And why water cost forty bucks
Just because it's called "Bling."

Seriously, folks; this is not a terribly serious post. I AM frustrated with a certain person posting his unwanted comments, but short of moderating comments, there's little I can do except continue to ignore them. He has his opinions and his agenda, and obviously he thinks any of us who "buy into" the AA Program are unredeemable sinners going straight to hell. Okay, I know I'm giving him way too much attention here, which will undoubtedly throw fuel on his fire, but I personally HAVE a relationship with God, and depend upon Him for my recovery, so I don't know why I've been singled out for this person's crusade. If I DON'T end up where I think I will when I die, I'll be surprised, but at least I'll probably be in a different place than him, so it's all good.

On to the second item. Are you proud of your sobriety? Do you want to declare that you're in recovery to the world? Okay, well in light of the fact that we're Alcoholics ANONYMOUS, probably not. But, to wear to AA meetings or events, or just around the house, there are some pretty cool sober T-Shirts, hats etc. out there online at CafePress. They range from poignant to cute to serious to humorous to shocking; in other words, something for everyone! Here's my personal favorite, which I'd never have the guts to actually wear to a meeting, and here's the one I'm actually going to order!

And, last but not least... in the what will they think of next? category: seriously, people—$40 for a bottle of freakin' water??? Oh, BlingH20 also has some in PLASTIC bottles (no bling) for ONLY $24 a case! Wow -- that's a deal at twice the price!

I don't think so.

Well, at least not yet.

We Will Be Amazed . . .

. . . before we are halfway through.

WOW! Are those words ever true.

The Promises. Into Action.

They are coming true for me, and I'm nowhere NEAR halfway through!

Today, I have 9 and a half months sober and recovering, and I'm once again a productive, contributing member of society! Who knew?!

Last week, I heard from my sponsor about someone else in our Monday night meeting who needed a part-time receptionist, and by Friday, I'd talked to her about the position, updated and submitted my resume, interviewed, was offered and accepted the job! I started my new job this past Monday, and I LOVE it. I love having the structure in my life. I love feeling like I'm part of something and am able to contribute positively to a team effort. And I love saying things like, "I'll stop by the grocery store on the way home from work."

Life is good.

On top of this good news, my therapist (who is AWESOME) has made time in her schedule to see me on Saturday afternoons from now on.

Today:

• I'm connected to God (my Higher Power), and consciously make contact with Him every morning
• I have a JOB!
• I have a relationship with my husband, which is continuing to heal and grow
• I have friends inside and outside of the Program
• I have a closer relationship with my family
• I have the most amazing sponsor
• I have an awesome therapist
• I have peace and serenity which used to elude me
• I trust God with my future instead of needing to control it, or fear it

What more could a recovering alcoholic ask for?

Morning Meditations

When I first started coming to AA over 3 years ago, I was angry, resentful and bitter toward God (as well as toward a lot of other people, events, and circumstances in my life, past and present). The thing is, I didn't even realize it. I knew I was cut off, disconnected and dead spiritually, but I felt like God had abandoned me, turned his back on me, and I was too angry, depressed and mired in my disease to even know how to begin to make my way back to him, or even to have the desire to do so.

Even while I was still trapped in my distorted thinking and drowning in self-pity, self-loathing, and self-righteousness, God had NOT abandoned me, and was still working all things together for good on my behalf. Somehow, when I was finally ready to seek the help I needed to confront my alcoholism, he brought people into my life who sang the praises of a particular treatment center in West Palm Beach.

It was not a "Christian" treatment center, but one that took a holistic approach to recovery, focusing on the medical, relational, and spiritual components, incorporating them into the 12 Steps. I didn't want to go to a treatment center that looked upon alcoholism and addiction as a sin that I should be able to control, and I feared I might encounter that approach at places other than the one I chose.

I was exactly where I needed to be. My therapists and my spiritual counselors are women who were able to gently guide me into the realization that God had not abandoned me at all, and that he was only waiting for me to walk forward into his embrace. When this realization came, for the very first time, I finally understood what surrender is.

I don't have to carry the burden of my disease by myself. There is One who is always with me, always walking beside me, lightening the load.

And when I grow too weary to move another step, he is the One who carries me.

All By Myself (Don't Wanna Be)

I woke up this morning feeling almost hungover. I had a pounding headache centered behind my eyes, which throbbed even more every time I bent my head forward. In my first attempt to make coffee, I forgot to put the carafe under the filter cone, and coffee poured out all over the kitchen counter (thank God for paper towels!).

I haven't felt this way or been this clouded in the morning since I quit drinking, and I think I know why I woke up feeling like this today. Yesterday, after we ate a late breakfast of waffles with maple syrup, my husband left for a three-day conference up in Orlando. Left to my own devices, and having no one to prepare meals for, I munched on dark chocolate M&Ms, Wheat Thins, prepackaged jello and fruit, and then topped it off around 11:30 pm with some frozen yogurt. The only protein I had was a few bites of chicken, pulled off the remains of the rotisserie chicken we'd eaten the previous evening, and I had no veggies of any kind the entire day. This morning, my "hangover" was most likely a result of a virtually all sugar diet. It began to subside significantly after I drank a cup of coffee, which it just dawned on me was probably also a factor: caffeine deprivation. I usually drink anywhere from 3 to 6 cups of coffee a day, and I only had one yesterday morning.

Enough about that.

What I really need to get off my chest is this: This is the first time I've been alone for more than a few hours since I got sober in April. I was depressed and outright fearful yesterday, which probably contributed to my mindless junk food munching.

Not afraid of being without R. Afraid of being alone, with myself. It took me a while to identify my fear. At first, I thought it was just the memory of previous times R's gone out of town. His trips were something I looked forward to, because I could drink and veg out in front of the TV. I used to obsess about what I would drink, planning to try new wines and special cocktails, and usually just ended up drinking straight vodka. How would I handle it now that I'm not drinking? What if I ended up drinking? I'm so close to 9 months, and I sure don't want to blow it.

But then, I realized, it's not really that I'm afraid I'll drink. I mean, there's always that fear, at the back of my mind, and I think it's a healthy one that keeps me from becoming cocky and complacent. I know what I have to do, and I'm doing it (calling and meeting with my sponsor, talking about my fears, journaling, going to meetings, hanging with sober friends, going for my outpatient activities, etc.).

The greater and more honest fear is just being alone with myself. I've never enjoyed being alone, because being with myself used to be painful. I didn't like or love myself, and I couldn't stand being alone, but I didn't want to be around anyone else either. I couldn't believe anyone else really would like me, if they knew the real me, and always being "on" and maintaining the facade I presented to the world was exhausting. So, I isolated and drank and told myself I preferred being alone, and I even believed it for a long while.

Today, I need to learn how to enjoy being alone with myself, and this is actually a wonderful opportunity to do just that. And I'm not really alone. My Higher Power is always with me. I can be alone, and not be lonely. I can appreciate and develop my character strengths, while I continue to identify and work on my defects. I am beginning to love myself, and to even like myself, but it is indeed progress, not perfection at this point.

I am learning that I can just be, and that is truly one of the miracles of recovery.

Happy Sober New Year!

We just got back late last night from holidays spent first with R's and my family in Atlanta (Christmas), and then with my family in Raleigh (New Year's). We drove the entire way, which was 12 hours to Atlanta, 8 hours to Raleigh, and then 14 hours returning from Raleigh to South Florida. And I didn't want to drink or kill anyone!

Road trips used to make me REALLY crazy, but I'm finding that I can now relax and just be, and not feel (so) pressured to always be adhering to some imaginary schedule or someone's phantom expectations. Progress, not perfection. I've got so much work to do in preparation for my outpatient activities, and I'm anxious to get back to my meetings and reconnect with my friends here.

I did go to a fabulous meeting while in Raleigh (one I had visited while there at Thanksgiving) and felt right at home. I guess that will be my home-away-from-home meeting there! Cool.

One of the most amazing gifts of this program is my relationship with my parents, and their awareness, understanding and compassion for other alcoholics. Shortly after I finished my inpatient treatment, my Mama and Daddy were able to offer one of their employees, who has struggled with his alcoholism for years, the chance to enroll in a similar program. "C" had just returned home a couple of weeks prior to our visit, so when I saw him at my parents' office, I suggested we go to a meeting together, which we did. So now I have a buddy there, too! How cool is that?!

I have SO MUCH to be grateful for, and I AM grateful, as this year begins.

• No early morning guilt, shame and nausea.
• No wondering what I did or what I said the night before.
• Relationships that are changing, growing, and thriving.
• Trust being rebuilt.
• Real honesty.
• Appreciation for my family and their amazing love and patience.
• My friends (including my awesome sponsor) in the program.
• My family.
• My husband.
• The Promises.
• The Miracle.
• My growing relationship with my Higher Power, and my growing ability to trust Him.
• The certainty that my Higher Power loves and accepts me just as I am today, which means I can love and accept myself, imperfect as I am.
• Way too much to list here right now, but WOW!!!! What a great way to face the New Year. Sober, joyful and free!

Ready or Not?

People keep asking me if I'm ready to be a sponsor.

By people, I mean one or two (I think it just scares me so much, that it seems like more). Not people interested in my sponsoring them, mind you. They think I'm ready to sponsor women with less time than I have.

My sponsor says she thinks I'm almost ready, but she agrees with me that I need to have completed the steps, and I'd like to have at least a year of sobriety under my belt, so that's my standard answer when these people ask me whether or not I'm ready.

I go to a couple of meetings that are overwhelmingly attended by newcomers, most having less than 90 days. My nearly 8 months in recovery, and my advancement through the steps to Step 10 seems like a lot compared to that, and I know it seemed unattainable to me when I kept going back out, and didn't have a sponsor and wasn't working the steps, and couldn't put together more than 4 months of continuous abstinence from alcohol. I know, also that I am growing and maturing and changing in my attitudes and understanding, and my spirituality is growing and deepening and is the most precious part of my recovery. So, relative to that newcomer, I do have something someone else may want, and I want to share that and help that person, but I am NOT yet ready to sponsor.

That doesn't mean that I can't help the newcomer, or the woman with less time than I have, though. I can listen to her and offer advice based upon my experience and learning from our literature. I can encourage her to get a sponsor, and take her to meetings where she can meet women who have what she wants and do have enough time in the program to sponsor someone. I can introduce her to my sponsor and other women whose programs I admire. I can help her in obtaining the literature she needs to begin learning more about this program and internalizing its principles on her own. I can be a friend and a sister, even if I can't yet be a sponsor.

Yesterday, a woman from one of my meetings called me. She was really struggling with how her drinking had damaged her relationship with her boyfriend, and wanted my advice on how to see if he was willing to give her another chance. We talked for and hour and a half, with my mostly just listening. She poured out her life story to me, and at the end of our conversation she said, "Pam, you have helped me so much!"

I was on cloud nine the rest of the day! I called my sponsor immediately, who was just as thrilled as I was. I'm going to meet this lady at a women's step meeting I attend on Wednesday evenings. There are newcomers there, but also quite a few women who, like my amazing sponsor, have many years in recovery and work awesome programs. I bought a 12 and 12 to give to my new friend as a "welcome home" gift. I've told her to call me ANY time she wants or needs to talk, or even if she just wants to get together and hang out. These are the things I can do BEFORE I'm ready to sponsor, and I LOVE that I can begin to give what has so freely been given to me.

Close Call

Yesterday, I scared the crap out of myself. I had a few moments in which I seriously thought about drinking, and if there had been anything available, I am really afraid I might have gone ahead and drunk it.

It was over something so stupid, such a product of my diseased thinking and wild imagination, my need for attention, approval and validation from others, and my own manipulative behavior and ego run riot.

R and I went up to Raleigh for Thanksgiving, and we had a wonderful visit with my parents, sisters, and their families. It was my first time back since I'd gotten drunk while staying there in April (my last drunk, actually). We were able to talk comfortably about my alcoholism and the alcoholic history in my mother's family. I learned so much more about my grandmother's addiction, and realized how much her drinking had impacted my mother.

We got back to Florida late Monday evening, and then Tuesday, I went up to West Palm for my outpatient therapy activities (meeting with my spiritual counselor, my therapist, and my outpatient group), which was also wonderful. Life was wonderful, sobrity was wonderful, and recovery was wonderful. I was on a spiritual and emotional high.

Ever since I was little, I've made up silly little songs and gone around the house, singing them. The week before last, as I was doing this one day, an actual song began formulating, and I wrote it down. Over the next few days, another one came, and another. I picked out the melodies on my mother's piano, and have just had this amazing sense of awe and gratitude that God is allowing me to release and express myself through a medium so new to me, and I've shared this with R.

Yesterday, I was again in one of my little silly moods, but also feeling joyful and grateful, as I had just finished another song, this one for my grandfather. R was rushing around, getting ready to leave for a meeting at school. I was in the bathroom putting on my makeup. I called out to R, "Do you like my raps or my songs better?" (I also make up silly raps frequently.) Silence. Then, "About the same."

I was devastated. How could he equate my silly jingles with my serious expressions of creativity and healing? How could he hurt me like this? I played the scenario in my head again and again. It was an intentional insult. He knew how my Dad had always set the bar so high that I was never able to succeed, never able to be good enough. He had MEANT to hurt me. Why? Was he angry at me for spending time doing something he considers frivolous, instead of cleaning or getting a job?

I just wanted the pain, the hurt to stop. And that's when the solution popped into my head. A shot of vodka would help. I was getting ready to go to the nail salon. I could just go to the restaurant beside the salon first and get a shot of Stoli. Just one and just this once.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!????!!!!!! Suddenly, my rational, sober voice screamed in my head. HE can't make you unhappy. You're CHOOSING not to be happy. In the course of time, only God's opinion of you counts, and HE thinks you're wonderful, just as you are. Why does it matter what R thinks of your songs? You're doing them not for recognition, but in release and gratitude to your Creator, your Higher Power.

"You are looking at the face of the only one responsible for your happiness today." I repeated the mantra over and over, and finally, it began to sink in. But I was still depressed, angry and hurt. I couldn't call my sponsor, because I knew I was blowing things out of proportion, and she would laugh at me and tell me I was in my victim mentality again.

I went and got my nails done, ran a few errands, and came home without visiting the restaurant.

It was now three hours since the incident had occurred, and it finally hit me. R thought I was just being silly when I'd thrown the question out. He thought it was one of those questions with which we women frequently bombard our husbands to which there is no safe answer (Which of these dresses makes me look fatter? Oh so you DO think I'm fat!). The "About the same." was the safest answer he could think of at the moment.

R came home and I confessed to him what had been going on in my mind. I called my sponsor, who told me NEVER to wait again to call her when I was in danger of drinking, no matter how stupid I felt, and to talk about it at that night's meeting, which I did.

The real solution is so much better. Why the heck did it take me three hours to figure that out? Thank God, I did, and thank God for this way of life that gives me that real solution.

Not So Random

I've been meaning to post for days now. I keep having those little "aha moments" and think at the time "I have to journal this so I don't forget," but then I get busy or get distracted by something else, and I never get around to it.

I'm not recalling any specific moments right now, but just want to get this down on paper, or at least in a format that I can look back upon and remind myself, that the promises do begin to come true before we are halfway through the steps and that the gifts of the program and of my Higher Power whom I call God, are truly infinite.

I've been so scattered lately (the past few days) and I'm not sure why. I have a lot of energy, but it seems to be frenetic and I can't keep myself focused upon a given task without really consciously striving to do so. Yesterday, I found making myself a "to do" list and checking off each task as I accomplished it really helped me, not only to stay focused upon what I was doing, but in having a sense of purposeful consciousness.

At the end of the day, I hadn't completed everything, and in the past, I would have told myself how I sucked for not being perfect and getting everything done I'd intended. Instead, I was able to look at what I HAD completed, and the fact that the items ticked off far exceeded the items still to be done, and I felt really good about it, and about myself.

I have to remind myself again and again that I am not defined by what I do, that I am enough, just as I am, and I deserve to be and AM accepted and loved by God, just as I am today.

Saturday Serenity

I have so much to be grateful for today (and every day, really). A lot of the time, I forget to count my blessings, and I let my focus shift to the negative, rather than the positive, and that's when my thinkin' becomes quite stinkin'. I can quickly spiral into an entirely self-induced depression.

That's what's been going on with me for the past couple of weeks, off and on, but a lot more on than off. I've had some sporadic, but too brief breakthroughs of ration and reason, but until I became really aware of what I was allowing to happen by the manner in which I was choosing to perceive everything and everyone around me, I couldn't shake myself out of my "blue funk" (an appropriate term for my dark moods my mother used when I was going through the turbulent teenage years).

I finally realized that I was choosing to be miserable and that I could choose NOT to be miserable, and that doing so required honesty, awareness and action.

Yesterday, I woke up full of energy, and with a positive outlook that is still with me today. I went to a fantastic meeting last night, and a great one this morning, and then had breakfast and a long talk with my amazing sponsor.

It's almost incomprehensible that I can go from being utterly depressed and miserable, wanting to hide and isolate to being -- yes! -- happy, joyous and free, simply by choosing to view things positively and remembering to thank God for all His blessings and gifts.

Today, I am grateful for:

• A loving, supportive husband who encourages me in my sobriety, and in working an active program.
• A sponsor who is amazingly honest and authentic, and who by example encourages me to be honest and authentic, and who also is truly a friend (you really do want one who'll call you on your shit, but also tells you when she sees progress and growth!).
• The gifts of the program I'm seeing increase every day.
• The growing ability to identify my fears and face them and to know that I CAN walk through them and come out on the other side without dying or picking up a drink.
• My sweet and funny kit-kat-kitten, Boots, who sleeps with me every night and makes me laugh every day.
• A closer and more honest relationship with my mother than I think we've ever shared before now.
• My Higher Power, the God of my understanding, who is with me 24/7, rain or shine, good or bad, happy or sad -- I can get through anything with His help, and with the support of...
• ...My friends in the Program, in real life, and in cyber space.

I love you all, and I wish each of you a super, serene Saturday!

xoxo

Happy Halloween!

Well, it's actually All Saints Day now, but I hope all you boys and ghouls had a GHASTLY Halloween!

xoxo

Cycle of Life

My mom called me on Tuesday to tell me me a close friend of hers (and of our family) had died of lung cancer. It was quite a shock; I hadn't even known she was ill.

This lady was my mother's best friend all through high school, and they kept in touch throughout the years since. They both got married while still in high school, and had their first babies within six weeks of each other. When my parents eloped, Faye and her husband were the witnesses at their little civil ceremony, and Faye took the only exisiting snapshots of their nuptials.

When I was growing up, my great-grandfather lived in Fort Meyers, and whenever my family visited him, we'd head over to north Miami to visit Faye and her family for a few days, too. Faye's daughter was six weeks older than me, and even though we saw each other very infrequently, we shared a bond.

I called my mother yesterday to discuss Thanksgiving plans, and she told me that she'd found out that Faye's visitation was scheduled for that evening in the town next to us. I said I'd go and pay my respects.

I went about the day, not really feeling anything one way or the other about Faye's death. As I said, it was a shock, but I hadn't seen her or any of her family for years. My last conversation with her was when she called me to tell me she and her husband would not be able to attend my parents' 50th wedding anniversary celebration.

R was watching the news, and I decided to go and drop off my prescriptions at Walgreens, so they'd be ready to pick up when we went out later. I got to the pharmacy and couldn't find the prescriptions. I came home and searched frantically for them, and became convinced that they must have fallen out of my purse and been thrown in the trash and Walgreens.

I had a total meltdown, crying hysterically, and telling myself how stupid and irresponsible and disorganized I was, inwardly seething at R for refusing to get involved in my drama. I was aware that my emotional outburst had nothing to do with the actual circumstances of losing my prescriptions (which of course, I had misplaced and found later), but I couldn't pinpoint what the true cause was.

It wasn't until I saw my friend that I understood that my emotions were grief and fear. Grief for the loss of someone who had impacted my life, and who had been such an important part of my mother's life. Grief for my friend's loss of her mother. Fear of feeling uncomfortable, of not having the right words to say. Fear of the reality of death, and the prospect of losing my own parents. Faye was a year and a half younger than my mother, and she's dead. I still think of my mom as being relatively young (she's only 19 years older than I am), but the fact is she's 70 now. My dad is 70 now. I'm older, and they're older, and death is part of the cycle of life.

I am so thankful that I went last night, and was there for J, my friend. When I walked in, she said, "Do I recognize that face? Is that a face for me?" We hugged and held each other. Even though it had been years since we'd seen one another, that connection was still there. We shared memories and tears and laughter.

I am so grateful for the gift of sobriety, even though it means I have to feel my emotions and deal with them, rather than ignoring and numbing them. When I was drinking, I would not have gone. I would have been overwhelmed with the emotions I couldn't identify and would have wanted to obliterate them immediately. I would have drunk, maybe just a little to calm my nerves at first, but I would have gotten too drunk to go.

Instead, I was able to go and support my friend. Thank you, God.

I Hear Voices

As of right now, it's been 4 days, 13 hours, 9 minutes and 26 seconds since I've smoked a cigarette, which totals 90 cigarettes not smoked, and $22.50 saved (I smoked expensive cigarettes). That's enough for a pedicure! I guess I can afford to treat myself to one! :)

It feels so easy right now. It's like, "Oh yeah, this is a piece of cake. I'm a non-smoker now. I can do this for the rest of my life, no problem."

Only, I'm an alcoholic and addict. And this is the voice of my addiction. I have names for all its various guises, and this one is Nikki.

Nikki wants to lull me into a false sense of security, pride and grandiosity, to make me think that I can do anything I put my mind to, and then, when I've become complacent and non-vigilant, and I'm most vulnerable or least expecting it, she'll tell me it's okay to smoke just one cigarette, that I deserve it because of whatever I'm going through at the moment, and AT LEAST IT'S NOT AS BAD AS DRINKING!

Whether it's Al, Nikki, Edy, or whatever other guise my addiction assumes, I have to be ready, and I have to be able to recognize it for what it is. So, for this alcoholic and addict, vigilance, awareness, prayer and reliance on my Higher Power and the support of others is key. Without having those factors in my life, and without working a good 12-step program, I'm lost.

Thank God, for this fellowship and this program, which teaches us HOW to live, and gives us the desire to do so!

Hi, I'm an Alcoholic and Addict and My Name is Pam

But you can call me PJ (my IRL initials, and a moniker given to me by someone I met while in treatment, so I like it).

Designer Girl is still here. She's part of who I am, but she's not all of me. She doesn't define me. I am enough, just as I am. Just plain and simple Pam or PJ.

I've been trying some different meetings and found one I LOVE that meets on Sunday evenings. It's a Big Book study, which is something I need on my meeting schedule, and is very small, comfortable and laid back, but serious about sobriety and recovery. I plan to make it a permanent addition, at least for now.

I'm still doing outpatient treatment once a week, plus therapy and spiritual care, and am working with my sponsor here now. We're going to do my 5th Step together, even though I'd already done it with my sponsor in Palm Beach Gardens, and I'm excited about her getting to know me better, and my being able to receive her insight, wisdom and experience, too.

My life is very good, and I am so grateful for it. I love what sobriety is bringing to me, and I never want to lose that.

Cross-Addiction

While I was in rehab, I picked up smoking. After 25 years. I started out at about 6 cigarettes a day, then quickly (within 3 days) was back up to my old habit of a pack or more a day.

After about 6 weeks, the nurse practitioner put me on Chantix (at my request), but it made me so nauseated that I quit taking it the day I went up to a full milligram in the morning (after vomiting twice).

So here I am, sober, but smoking. My husband is none too happy. I don't like the fact that I spent $70,000.00 on treatment for one addiction just to pick up another one that is also terrible for me. I hate the way my hair, clothes, breath and car smell.

Against the advice of my therapist who thinks I shouldn't try to stop smoking so early in my sobriety, I'm giving the Chantix another try. I'm making sure to take it with food, and to drink plenty of water. I'm still just on the .5 milligram once a day dose, but so far, so good. I'm still smoking, but yesterday I lit up a Camel Frost and had to put it out after a few drags (my Djarum Bali Hais are still tasting pretty good, though).

I've started another blog, Breathe Again, to help me along THIS particular journey, so I'd appreciate any support and advice any of you former smokers or want-to-be-former-smokers can give me.

Sobriety-wise, I'm doing okay. Not dealing with any major cravings, although I did have some this past weekend, but it was the stress of moving back home and leaving my life in treatment behind, and I handled it by going to meetings, talking about it to my sponsor, therapist and alcoholic friends, and processing it to get to the bottom of what was going on.

I've only been to one good meeting since I've been here. I went to my home group yesterday afternoon, and it's totally changed. People were talking all through the meeting, there wasn't an atmosphere of mutual respect and consideration, and it was just not what I needed.

That's okay. Meetings change, and there are plenty in this area. I just need to visit some new ones and find the ones that are right for me. I'm grateful that I live in an area where there are a number of meetings to choose from, and I'm grateful that I can walk into any one of them and know I'll be among friends.

Return from Rehab

Hey, everyone, I'm BACK!!! I've learned so much about myself, about what it means to want this, to surrender, to stay connected with my Higher Power, and to work the program AA offers as the solution to my problem.

For some reason, I'm tired. I thought I'd be excited to be home, but I think I'm grieving the loss of leaving. I'm going to continue outpatient treatment, going up once a week for a group, and to meet with my therapist. I'm in a good, solid, place emotionally, spiritually and physically, but I guess there is a LOT of fear about being back in the "real world" and having to move forward, meeting my fears and walking through them with the support of others in the program, and turning them over to my Higher Power.

I've just completed my fifth step with my sponsor in Palm Beach Gardens, but my therapist wants me to do it with her as well. My sponsor and I also did Steps 6 and 7, and the beginning of 8. I realize, though, that I need to add to my fourth step inventory some things I didn't think about, so I'll do that before doing the fifth step with my therapist.

I am so grateful!

• Grateful for this gift of time to work on myself and focus on issues that have contributed to my drinking and my inability to stay sober.


• Grateful to have God in my life again, and to be able to turn things over to Him.


• Grateful to be able to accept and offer forgiveness.


• Grateful there is a solution, and that I can live in it and have a life that is full, joyful, and meaningful.


• Grateful that I have many years of recovery ahead of me to grow, and to work with others and give back to this program.


• And last, but not least . . . grateful that I can delete comments forever!

Independence Day!

Hey, everyone!!!

Well, it's been 57 days since my last post, but who's counting, right?

To update all of you who've kept me in your prayers and may be wondering where the heck I am... I decided to stay in treatment for an additional 28 days. I've had no Internet access until yesterday, when I reupped for an additional 28 days.

I'm now in one of the "Butterfly" houses, which is a halfway house owned by my treatment center. It's absolutely beautiful, with a lagoon-like pool and garden area, and I LOVE it here. My roomates are two of the "younger chicas" I've been in treatment with.

My husband and I are going to start marriage counseling this coming Friday, and I'm really excited about our future. He's been completely supportive of my continuing treatment, and is starting to plan fun things for us to do once I come home. I'll probably transition from this house to one with a little more freedom, and just take it as it comes, one day at a time.

I'm so unbelievably happy! I'm rediscovering who I am, learning to accept and love myself, flaws and all, and am really working on my character defects and core issues. I've also reconnected with my Higher Power, and now really am able to believe that He loves and accepts me and cherishes me right now, as I am. I am ENOUGH. For the first time in my life, I'm really able to say this and more importantly, believe it.

We're having the girls over from the other Butterly house for a 4th of July party, and they've just arrived, so I'm going to sign off for now. More, later...

I love you all. Thanks so much for your comments, your prayers, and your love, support and encouragement. You are and will continue to be a huge part of my recovery.

XOXO (((HUGS)))

28 Days

Well, this is it, folks.

The day has arrived.

Today, I travel north for an hour or so, and will enter a 28 day residential treatment program.

It's also been 28 days since my last drink.

I'm apprehensive, anxious, and cautiously hopeful and expectant.

I'm also very grateful:

• For a chance to work intensively for 28 days on getting and staying sober


• For the focus of this particular program on identifying the core issues and how to face them and finding and utilizing appropriate coping tools and methods


• For my pastor's enthusiastic and very real support of my entering this program


• For my husband's unwavering love and support


• For a chance to start over


• For my sponsor


• For my family


• For my friends


• For my sweet kitty, Boots, who's slept with me for the past week (he knows something's up!)


• For the speaker's story this past Saturday


• For all of you, my awesome blogging peeps


• For Justin Timberlake's Futuresex/Lovesounds, and for my MP3 player

Y'all will still be here when I get back, won't you?

Love you all. MUAH!!!! (((((mucho hugs)))))

Tick Tock

The almost firm plan now is for me to enter treatment on Monday, May 7. We found out our sucky insurance won't cover ANY of the $24K it's going to cost (geez! that's almost $1000.00 per day!!), so we're just going to put in on AmEx and then liquidate some of my investment accounts to pay off the credit card. R says that this is probably a good time to do it, since the market's been high lately. I know nothing about investments, mutual funds, the stock market, etc., so this completely terrifies me. All I know is that we currently have no income and we're gonna be paying out a big chunk of change.

And, I don't know if it's really even necessary. Lately, the following thoughts keep running through my head:

Do I really need to go to rehab, if I haven't hit rock bottom yet? I'm doing okay going to meetings, I've got a terrific sponsor and I've actually started doing the assignments she's given me for step 1. What am I going to learn in treatment that is so much more insightful and valuable that I can't learn it through listening to people share in the rooms, talking to my sponsor, and reading? Isn't it incredibly self-centered and selfish of me to take 28 days just to work on myself? How in heck do I justify that, when I've already put such a strain on mine and R's relationship, not to mention our finances?

And the one I am loathe to admit:

What if I put 28 days of my life into trying to change my outlook, beliefs, behaviors, thinking patterns, what-have-yous, and I go back home and it's still the same as it's always been? How can I change and go back to a life in which I've been so chronically miserable that I've felt the need to numb myself just to get through a day of it? What if nothing else changes???

I'm scared of going, and I'm scared of not going. This fear is paralyzing me. I don't know how to cope with it, except to pray, go to meetings, and call my sponsor. These all feel like mere stop-gap measures to me, though. I feel like a ticking time bomb, and no one knows exactly when the explosion will occur, but everyone knows it's imminent.

Never Say Never

Well, it looks like I will be going to treatment (something I said I'd never do), but I'm actually kind of pumped about it. The place where R wanted me to go seemed to me not to be the best fit, so I started talking to some of my girls at the meetings I've been attending, and got some really positive feedback about one place in particular. They seem to be very proactive in addressing women's issues and how they impact and are impacted by alcohol addiction (such as menopause and depression), and this is something I've been very concerned about for a good while (actually, it was the original premise for this blog). They seem to be very holistic, too, addressing the spiritual side quite thoroughly.

I filled out and submitted a preliminary information form online yesterday, and today, talked to someone who took my intake information. The financial person is supposed to call me to let me know where things stand. I know our insurance sucks and won't cover much, but I have investments that can be liquidated to pay the balance, and since it's my life that's at stake, it seems to be the thing to do. So, I'll probably be going either next week or the week after for 28 days of residential treatment.

I've gotten a new sponsor, and I've started doing the 90 in 90 again. Somehow, my new sponsor was not aware until today that I was considering treatment (I've talked to so many people about it that I thought for sure I'd discussed it with her, but I guess I hadn't), so I don't know how that will affect the whole 90 in 90 thing, but we seem to be really connecting, which is different from my relationship with my first sponsor. We talked for about an hour on the phone this morning, and she's given me a first step assignment that seems actually doable and helpful, rather than just overwhelming busy work.

I may be getting a part time design job, too. I'm meeting with a woman from one of my women's meetings tomorrow to discuss it. It would only be a few hours a week, but it would be steady. I told her about the treatment issue, and she says it's no problem for me to start once I get back.

I am really seeing God at work in the ways that things have started coming together. I had to put forth a little effort (calling my friend to ask her about the treatment center I was interested in, asking someone to be my new sponsor, letting it be known that I'm looking for work, etc.), but once I did, things have just started clicking.

Things do seem to be looking up, but, boy, is it a long way to the top from here!