Waiting...

Roy and I are waiting to hear from a team of engineers and Ole Miss professors with whom we met for extensive interviews, tours, etc. last weekend. They asked us both to fly up, even though he was the job candidate, and payed for all our expenses, took us out to eat, and encouraged us to look at housing options.

It seemed to go very well. We flew back Sunday night.

And now we are waiting.

Just waiting.

And waiting.

My question: Why the hell would they do all that if they weren't seriously going to hire him???

This waiting crap is BS.

If they are NOT going to hire him or offer him the position, just SAY SO and let us move on.

If they are waiting for funding approval or have some reservations or some reason for hesitating, at least let us know he's still in the running or not and what the status IS!!

I'm an alcoholic. I'm not good at patience, trust, waiting, acceptance and faith. Not yet.

I AM good at dealing with the truth and working through the known pain and moving forward.

Just give me SOMEthing to work with.

And please, please, PLEASE, God, let Roy get the job.

15 Days, No Cigs

I'm still a little down, but better. I haven't smoked since July 15th (2 weeks today - yay me!).  I'm still hit by an intense craving and longing from time to time, but I'm dealing with it.

I'm trying to approach quitting smoking like what it is - another aspect of my ongong Recovery, so when a craving strikes, I try to figure out what's really going on:  Is what I'm experiencing actually a physical need for nicotine, or is it an emotional response that's triggering the desire to smoke?  Is the response more of an habitual reaction correlated to the time of day, the activity in which I'm currently involved or have just completed? Etc., etc., ad nauseum.  Once I've identified the source of the trigger, I remind myself that the physical craving will pass within 3 minutes, and then I try to focus on how bad I used to smell, how bad for my health and skin smoking is, how I used to burn my clothes, my car's seats and carpet, etc.  Finally, I tell myself it's JUST NOT AN OPTION, that I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

Works like a charm.

What I'm NOT dealing so well with is not having some alternative way to release the negative energy and stress, which is probably a contributing factor with the depression.  Duh.  (Should have had a plan for that BEFORE I decided to quit!)

And I've gained 2 pounds. I'm eating emotionally and eating the wrong things. I crave sweets and salty stuff, often in combination.

Roy was incredulous this weekend at how much I ate.  At one point, he asked me, "Are you STILL hungry???"  To which I replied, "I'm ALWAYS hungry.  I just used to smoke instead of eat."

I'm not going to worry about or deal with the weight gain right now. As long as it's no more than 6 pounds, I'll be able to get it back off within a month when I AM ready to deal with it.

And it's not like I'm fat, or that I have to worry about being unattractive to Roy.  He's not attracted to me NOW, and I'm damn HOT!

On a (slightly) different topic, I'm incoporating the few posts I haven't yet from my smoking cessation blog into this one, and just have the one blog dealing with both issues.  Since quitting smoking is just the next step (for me) in my Recovery, it makes more sense to have one blog, rather than 2 blogs dealing with similar issues, or 2 aspects of the same issue.

Or whatever.  Too much time, too much energy, too much waste.

Not like anybody's reading either blog anyway these days.

*Sigh*

Poor me, poor me . . .

Pour me a super-size double-chocolate fudge peanut butter milkshake with whipped cream and a cherry on top!

Down Time

I hate being depressed.

It's nothing new. I know it will pass.

It's just that right now - while in the midst of the depression - I am overwhelmed by the sadness, the loneliness, the sense of apathy and hopelessness, and by the fatigue and exhaustion.

I want to smoke.

I want to sleep.

I want to just stop.

To stop feeling this.

To stop feeling at all.

To stop being.

I just want it to end.

No Pain, No Gain

I have not smoked since 1:47 PM on Thursday, July 15th.

I'm depressed. Not sure if it's the Chantix, the HRT, circumstances, or what. Could be a combination of all three or two of the above, or something else entirely.

Like being rejected by my husband and feeling like my greatest fears have been realized.

Been sober for 3+ years. Now, smoke-free and taking hormones to correct the vaginal atrophy problem.

Good weight. Cute, still, if not pretty. Need to tone up, but that will be next on my list.

The bottom line is, he just doesn't seem to want me.

Before, I could blame it on my drinking and the fact that I was overweight. Then, after treatment for alcoholism, the whole anger/resentment issue, and his distrust of me and my continued sobriety, plus the fact that I had started smoking.

Then, the couple of times I quit for a few weeks, and we did try to have sex, the pain from the vaginal atrophy, which grew worse each time, and caused me to fear penetration and intercourse, exacerbating the situation.

So, in the past 2 or three years, we've had sex, or attempted to have it, less than 10 times.

It's not the sex I miss. It's the feeling that he finds me desireable, that he wants me, and the flirting, cuddling and snuggling that are all part of a close physical relationship, and contribute to the building of emotional intimacy.

I miss feeling like I have a real marriage, a husband instead of a person I share a bedroom and house with.

I feel, at times, as if the only reason we stay married is that neither one of us wants to go through the work and turmoil of a divorce, that we don't want to disappoint our families, and that we don't want the stigma attached to being divorced, especially in our church circles.

I'm realizing that if we do end up moving out of state soon, this loneliness will be multiplied, the mild depression I'm experiencing right now will deepen, and that I will either become non-functional, or bitter, resentful, and seething with barely suppressed rage which will bubble up in sarcasm and nasty remarks muttered under my breath.

I will want it to END. I will either become suicidal, look for an escape with another partner (fantasy/magical thinking) and have another affair, or I will start drinking, overeating, taking pills, or doing something else to destroy myself and numb the pain of being alone and lonely in my marriage.

I can't change my husband, and I'm not sure he wants to change, or sees a need to change. This current state of affairs works for him on many levels. He has a live-in maid to do his laundry and clean up after him, to go grocery shopping, and until recently, a bread-winner to provide enough income to at least cover our rent and utilities.

I am working hard to change myself, to mold myself into what he wants, even though I may have some reservations, because I know I can't be everything to him, or be perfect, that I'll always have faults. But I refuse to do this at the expense of losing myself again.

If, after some time has passed, he doesn't begin to respond to me, I will do what I need to do in order to retain my sense of self, my self-confidence, my serenity, and my sobriety. If he doesn't want a real marriage, a true relationship between husband and wife, I will separate myself physically from him, and get on with my life.

And I won't be alone.

Because, I'll take the cat.

3 Days Before Quit Day

I've got 3 days left to smoke. Thank goodness, I am enjoying it less and less, smoking less frequently, and have definitely cut down. I smoked 6 cigarettes yesterday, even though I wasn't consciously limiting myself. I'm also beginning to smoke less of each cigarette, throwing it out about 3/4 of the way through.

I was disappointed in myself for "caving" and buying more cigarettes, but if I am following the Chantix plan, I was trying to stop too soon. Sabotaging myself.

I went to get my annual mammogram done this morning, along with an ultrasound due to calcifications and a resulting biopsy they had performed last year. I got the results right away, and the news is all good. Nothing alarming, no further tests/biopsies etc. needed, which means I can go back to the girlie doctor (O.K., we're all grownups - the GYNECOLOGIST) and get started on HRT so that I can start enjoying and having sex again.

Yes, folks, this is a Quit Smoking Blog (at the moment, anyway) and I am talking (or writing) about female problems, specifically gynecological/menopausal difficulties.

Because, this has been a huge issue in my Recovery.

Part of my motivation to quit smoking is that my husband absolutely cannot STAND the way smoking makes my breath, hair and skin smell. If we're going to be physically intimate again, I have to quit smoking if I want to desirable to him, and I do want that.

For a long time, I didn't know if I did.

The resentment and anger I felt toward him -- that I thought I had completely dealt with, worked out, and was now in the past -- was actually still there, buried deep inside, and the way I expressed it was in choosing not to do anything to confront and deal with my physical problems that were making intimacy impossible.

So, now, I'm ready to move on, to really, truly forgive, and to accept forgiveness.

And I want not only physical intimacy, but the emotional and spiritual intimacy that seem to grow as a result.

I seriously could go without having sex the rest of my life, and it wouldn't bother me.

At all.

But, I know for him, it's not the same, that he doesn't feel that way. And by selfishly choosing to withhold what he desires, to not do what I need to do in order to make intimacy possible, I am rejecting him and making him feel unloved and unappreciated.

And that's not what I want for my marriage.

I expect so much of him, yet I've been unwilling to give. It has to be a 2-way street.

I can't change him, but I CAN change those things about me that make loving me more difficult. And that's where it has to start.

With me.

Now.

My Last Addiction

NOTE: This is the first post in a new blog I started, My Last Addiction... I thought it appropriate to share here as well, since it is an aspect of my ongoing journey through Recovery.


Notice the title of this blog.

It's not "My Final Addiction," although that name was also available.

Because -- whatever addiction I'm working on to overcome, to conquer, to give to my Higher Power, to end its hold on me, its shaping of my existence -- experience has taught me that I am a True Addict. A new, or a long-dormant addiction is ready to rear it's ugly head and take the place of whatever current addiction I'm confronting and over which I'm seeking victory.

I picked up smoking cigarettes while in treatment for alcoholism.

Not right away. I chose to stay for a second 28 days, Phase 2 they called it, in which we would explore core issues, confront them, and begin working on them.

I had no idea (well, maybe SOME idea) of what I was in for, and it was BRUTAL. In a cathartic way, it was good and served as an impetus for true healing to begin.

But it was emotionally intense to a degree I had seldom experienced. That I had, in fact, learned to avoid through my use and abuse of alcohol.

So, when the emotions grew too strong, too devastating -- when I had expended more tears that I thought I was capable of producing, when I was utterly physically and emotionally exhausted, and believed I literally could not take dealing with another feeling, another forgotten hurt revealed -- I began smoking again.

I've been smoking (with a few short breaks interspersed) ever since -- for 3 years and a month now. I haven't picked up a drink in over 3 years and 3 months, but I am still ruled by my addictive nature.

My addiction is still strong, just manifested in a new form. It's still a way to escape, a crutch, and it's a block to my full Recovery.

It has to be dealt with -- the remaining unexplored core issues and hurts revealed and confronted -- and I am TRYING to deal with it.

Bravely.

Honestly.

Unreservedly.

Only right now, I have to go buy a pack of cigarettes.

A Day of Promise

I awoke at 9:30 AM this morning, ready to get up and greet the day. It was an especially beautiful morning, too. Full of birdsong, cool dry breezes, and huge yellow butterflies dancing among the trees and grass, putting on a private spectacle purely for my wonder and enjoyment.

I texted loving messages of encouragement to a few recovery friends, and emailed my therapist. Discovering a box of unopened Krusteaz in the pantry, and real maple syrup in the 'fridge, I made Belgian Waffles for breakfast, truly a rare and decadent treat.

My joy and contentment welled up within me and overflowed. I had a song in my heart which could not be contained, and must burst forth from my lips.

The day lay before me, full of the expectation of undiscovered joy, brimming with the promise that whatever came my way would be a gift, an opportunity to grow, to explore and revel.

Truly, a day in which I was happy merely to be alive and active in the world, with God leading the way before me.

And then...

With a few simple words, the hope and joy in my spirit, the promise of the day were crushed.

The words were innocent, merely a question, in the form of a statement: "You haven't taken back the things to Ann Taylor that were charged on Discover yet, have you?"

Just a statement. A simple status update request.

But a statement which felt like an accusation.

Why did he have to ruin my day?

Wait. Did he?

Why did I suddenly feel accused, hurt, angry and resentful?

I realized the Accuser was, is myself.

Because I feel guilty and responsible for our current financial distress, and I know in my heart that my actions -- my trying to fill a need that only God can fill by my constant acquisition of material things -- have resulted in creating this wall, this barrier to the contentment, the emotional intimacy, the honesty, and the bliss that my soul yearns for in my relationship with my husband.

I cannot fix this in an instant.

I have let my procrastination -- my dread of facing the seemingly monumental task of going through the receipts and and matching them up by item numbers to the specific articles I need to return, my reluctance of letting go of these things that somehow magically are supposed to make me whole and complete -- create this wall, brick by brick, building it higher, thicker and increasingly more impenetrable.

I have done this. I am at fault. I am responsible for the discord, the disappointment, the lack of affection and harmony which now characterizes our relationship.

So, I will do The Next Right Thing.

I will finish cleaning up the kitchen. I will shower, put on makeup, fix my hair and dress. I will go through those damn receipts and match them up, item by item. I will take back everything I have not yet worn, with very few exceptions.

And, in doing so, I will experience relief, release and peace.

The relief and release will be temporary. This action will be but a drop in the bucket toward relieving or at least lessening the deluge of our financial worries.

But, it will be a step in the right direction. And a journey begins with a single step. And in taking action and moving forward comes lasting Peace.

Meanwhile, the birds are still singing, the breezes still wafting, the huge Yellow Sulfurs still dancing, flitting, and playing among the trees and grass.

The day stretches before me, once again full of promise, hope and joy.

And I now have a plan to move forward into it intentionally and purposefully, with my God going before me and showing me the way.

I have only to follow.

photo credit: stock.xchng/edward whb

Three Year Medallion

I went to Celebrate Recovery tonight, and had not even thought about being able to pick up my 3 year medallion. What a nice surprise! There's something about being given that little piece of brass that makes it more tangible, more real. I really have done this, remained sober, and mostly grown and matured for 3 whole years now. It's okay to still have doubts and fears, but to recognize them and face and walk through them is the key to longtime survival and continued growth. I am at a scary, tenuous place right now, getting ready to quit my job at the end of this week without having anything else lined up or even sketched out, but I am at peace because I know I made this decision in accordance with my Higher Power's will and direction. I am also at a very exciting, challenging place. I am stepping into the unknown, but I know Someone is there to catch me should I fall, Someone who is walking beside me, and lighting the way before me. I am not alone.

Happy (Almost!) Birthday to Me

Tomorrow I'll be 3. Yep, folks, hard to believe I know. Tomorrow it will be 3 full years of one day at a time without a drink. Actually, I get confused about the whole birthday / anniversary thing. Is it supposed to be the anniversary of the day you had your last drink, or the anniversary of the day you had no alcohol continuously, beginning with that day? I'll feel pretty stupid if I've told everyone and thought this whole time that the day was the 11th and it's actually the 10th. I'd be ever so grateful if someone can please clear up this little mystery for me!

Anyway, I'm at work now and really can't get away with much time posting on my blog, although I frankly don't give too much of a hoot, as I put in my notice in 2 weeks ago, and am just staying on a couple of days a week due to some unexpected family emergencies in my employer's family. Definitely have some short-timer's attitude going on there! I don't know what I'm going to do yet, have not even started looking for another job. I just know that staying at this job was beginning to seriously threaten my sobriety, and I need to leave and trust that my Higher Power is guiding me and will lead me in the direction I need to go.

More later, hopefully!

Still Here . . . Still Sober!

Seems like I never have time to blog any more. I don't really have time now. I'm stealing a few minutes while at work 'cuz I just need to let y'all know I'm still alive and kickin'!

Recently, I've gotten very involved in Celebrate Recovery, a movement which began in a mega-church out in California. It's really good, and I'm on the ministry team, facilitating the women's small group. It's a chance to serve and to give back what I've so freely been given.

But, it's not AA, and it's not enough for me and my life in recovery. That's according to me, my therapist, and my sponsor. I definitely need a balance. I need worship, prayer and fellowship with others who believe as I do, and I'm so grateful that the Church as a whole has finally seen the need to offer hope to those struggling with addiction to alcohol and other substances and behaviors.

But, I also need the fellowship, accountability and encouragement that only those who have lurched and stumbled along the same path can give. If faith alone were enough to keep me sober, I wouldn't have struggled so long with my inability to overcome my addiction. Those who are not alcoholics and addicts cannot fully understand why we are the way we are. I have to be around other alcoholics on a consistent and frequent basis to maintain and grow in my sobriety.

I'm glad I don't have to choose between the two, that they are not at odds. I am so thankful that the rooms of AA provided a safe haven in which I found true friends, and that those friends were instrumental in my seeking help at a treatment center, where paradoxically, I found the faith I had thought I'd lost forever.

God works in mysterious way His wonders to perform.

For me, the secret is staying in the center of what works for me, the center of His will. I don't do it consistently or perfectly, but I am endeavoring for a consistent, constant awareness of His presence in me, that I might experience His peace and hope, and be able to share that with other alcoholics.

It's a process, not an event; a journey, not a destination. I pray for endurance and stamina, that I may finish well.

Today

Today, my life is sane.

Today, I take responsibility for my actions and decisions, and their resulting consequences.

Today, I take responsibility for my part in my relationships because friends and loved ones matter and are important to me.

Today, I take responsibility for myself, because I am no longer content in the victim role.

Today, I take responsibility for my health, including getting multiple mammograms, a bilateral ultrasound and an extremely painful biopsy last week.

Today I have peace knowing I'm doing what I need to do to take care of my body which I abused for so long, and I have been blessed to learn that the results of the biopsy are negative!

Today, I thank my Higher Power for propmpting me to take the action I needed to take, and most of all, for walking alongside me as I walked through my fear, and providing love and support from family and other loved ones.

Today, I am not alone.

We Will Not Regret The Past . . .

. . .but, I thank God that waking up with a throbbing head, severe nausea, a raging thirst and absolutely no knowledge of where I was or how I'd gotten there are part of my PAST, and with His grace, not part of my future.

I turn 2 on the 10th! Doesn't seem possible, does it? :D

Thank God It's Tuesday!

It's Tuesday, the first day of my "weekend." I can finally take a deep breath, laze around, and spend some time catching up on my blogroll. Seeing Scott W's gratitude list today reminds me how much I DO have to be grateful for, and also how much listing those things helps to turn my negativity into positivity, which then can lead to purposeful action.

It's Tuesday, and I'm Thankful and Grateful . . .

• For the Celebrate Recovery meeting last night, and the women in my small group who understood my pain and prayed for me
  
• For Scott W's post today
  
• For this community of recovery
  
• For an opportunity this coming month to lead the Wednesday night women's step meeting
  
• For the ability to see today that I have options and choices
  
• For the extradorninary light outside today, making everything sharp, vibrant and new
  
• For two days away from my job and the chance to see it from a more objective perspective
  
• For my friends, family and all others who are with me in this continuing journey
  
• For moments of joy, even rapture, especially on days when life sucks
  
• For the certainty that when I come home in the evening, I have a soft place to fall

I Hate My Job...But, It's Still A Job

I feel so blue right now. Thank goodness tomorrow is my "Friday," my last day of work before my 2 consecutive days off.

It must be me. If it's not me, then why do I keep ending up with bosses who seem to excel in the art of beating me down and making me feel stupid and incompetent? Maybe it's just the nature of the southeast Florida real estate broker.

Or, maybe it really is me. Maybe I am just stupid and incompetent. I know I can't multi-task (a skill that, quite frankly, is overrated, if you ask me). I need to concentrate on one thing and complete it, rather than being scattered by umpteen different things to focus on at one time.

But apparently, being unable to multi-task is just one of my many failings.

I'm also slow.

I prefer to think of it as being careful and methodical, but if indeed I were careful and methodical, I probably would not keep making so many careless mistakes.

I really need to rewrite my resume, and take out all the things I've put on it that that turn out just not to be true.

Take out ability to multi-task and exceptional attention to detail and accuracy. Scratch organizational skills and efficiency. And time-management skills? Who am I kidding??!!

Maybe myself, but no one else, and especially not my bosses.

So, I can sit here and feel sorry for myself and fish for sympathy, or I can look at my part, my defects of character, my poor habits, and I can start to examine myself honestly and figure out what I need to do to change these things that are detrimental to my job performance.

Because I do have a choice.

Maybe not in the way others think of me or view me, but in how I view myself and think of myself.

If I allow myself to stay stuck in my misery and feel like a victim, then nothing is going to change, and my sobriety will be threatened. If, instead, I keep turning this over to my Higher Power, asking for wisdom and direction in knowing how to change what needs changing, and then act on that, I will move forward.

Where forward is, I'm not sure. But, I know it's better than here.

How Time Flies!

I would say I cannot believe how long it's been since I posted, but I am well aware. I just never seem to have a good chunk of time to devote to blogging any more.

Just by way of update, for the faithful few who check back from time to time, I am coming up on my 2 year anniversary next month! Now, THAT seems unbelievable! I continue to do about 3 to 4 meetings a week, including a Celebrate Recovery program I've become involved in at our church. We're actually still in the leadership training phase, so I'm learning by doing, and feel extremely blessed to be a part of something I feel has been missing from the church for far too long.

I remember all too well the shame, despair, condemnation (real or imagined) and hopelessness I felt as a woman active in ministry who struggled with alcoholism. I felt like a hypocrite, and the end result was that I abandoned my faith in God, and it wasn't until I finally made it into the rooms of AA and then into treatment that I realized that He had not abandoned me, that in fact, it was the other way around.

If I can help one person in a similar situation, before they abandon hope completely, it will be well worth everything I went through to be at the place in my recovery and spirituality I am today.

Not that I'm any spiritual giant, mind you. I know I could slip and fall as easily as the next person, so I certainly don't want to be on any pedestal. I think the major difference today is that I know it's okay NOT to be some super saint to be of help to others, that it's really better for me to be real and honest and to admit my failings, missteps and character defects. If I'm real, complete with all my faults, it's much easier for someone who is struggling to relate to me and open up.

Today, that's my prayer. That for today, I will seek guidance from my Higher Power, that I will be honest and compassionate toward myself first, and being flawed but forgiven and pressing forward, I will be honest and compassionate toward others, and that I will see them through His eyes -- that I'll see some essence of God in everyone I meet, no matter how small.

We can't keep what we have if we don't give it away. I'm so grateful for the opportunities my HP is giving me to do that.

Open Windows

Just a super-quick update, because I've got to start getting ready for work.

I was only out of work for 2 weeks -- amazing in this economy! What's more amazing to me is that I didn't grow despondent. Of course, I went through some short bouts of depression and the "I suck, nobody will ever hire me" phase, but I was able to keep praying, keep talking, and keep actively seeking and following up on leads.

Long story short: I have a NEW JOB!!!! at another real estate company which specializes in luxury condominiums and estate homes, I'm making much more and get paid by salary, not hourly (although they pay extra if I work overtime!), and I'm learning TONS! It's in a beautiful location, right on the beach, so I can take a break and watch people surf, or roll up my pants legs and walk in the surf, if I want.

The only downsides are that I got the job partly because they had to fire the woman who normally would have trained me, and they had to hire a second assistant who is equally as green, if not more so, so we're the blind leading the blind, in a situation where we can't afford the luxury of not being up to speed. But, I feel as if things are starting to click, and I'm getting a handle on what my responsibilities are, and what I need to do to be a true asset to my employers.

God is indeed faithful! Thank goodness, too, that through my program of recovery, I am learning to deal with things as they come, and to rest in the knowledge that I never have to face anything alone, and that there is something to be learned when trials come. Staying open and trusting that things were in the hands of my HP, as long as I wasn't just sitting on my butt, were key to the peace of mind I had for those 2 weeks of joblessness.

I know 2 weeks isn't anything. I'm incredibly blessed to have gotten a job so quickly -- moreover, one that is better than the one I had -- and I am filled with amazement and gratitude.

Life on Life's Terms

Wow... Talk about getting hit hard from out of the blue. I definitely am not feeling the full impact yet. I feel numb, and that's fine for now.

This afternoon, my 2 bosses called me into their office at about ten after 5:00 to tell me they had come to a decision to let me go. "Nothing personal... we're so happy with you and your work... you're a kind, caring person..." and so on. They say they're $60 grand in the hole with payrolls right now, and since the market has taken such a nosedive, they've had to look for ways to cut expenditures, and my job is the most expendable.

I know what they're saying is true. I work in a real estate business, and we're definitely being hit by the economy and the housing market in general. But part of me can't help but wonder, What if I'd just worked harder and been more positive and willing to do anything they asked with nary a complaint? What if I had just logged my 40 hours I was hired to do and never put in all the overtime necessary to actually do my job and do it well? What if I hadn't had to occasionally take time off to go to therapy during the week? Maybe I do bear some responsibility in their choosing my job as the one to cut.

But then, one of my bosses called as soon as I got home to make sure I was okay, and to offer a tangible lead and her personal help in finding another position for me. And, they both hugged me and cried before I left today, too, and asked me if they could help in any well, saying they'd write letters of recommendation, or whatever I needed. So maybe it's not me.

My first thought -- and I'm so grateful for this! -- was "When God closes a door, He opens a window." I kept repeating it to myself over and over, like a mantra. I did think about drinking, but only for a moment, and the thought immediately launched the "play it through" scenario.

Of course, that's still where my alcoholic mind wants to take me when faced with a crisis, or any situation in which I feel off balance or uncomfortable or just downright scared to death: the thought that a drink will help. But it stops there, usually, and I almost automatically start playing the thought through to its consequences and realize how ludicrous it is.

How cool, though, that it wasn't my first thought, or even my second, that instead, I began silently and consciously communicating with my Higher Power! What a gift it is to realize that He is with me and will see me through this. Even though mine is the only income coming in to our household right now, and even though we are at our lowest point financially in years, I really do know that with the help of my Higher Power, I will walk through this, and come out safely on the other side, and who knows what opportunities may be in store for me?

So, I'm still a little in shock, a little sad, and a little scared, but my overwhelming sense right now is that I'm right where I'm supposed to be, and I'm eager to see what God has planned.

I just hope this attitude lasts! I'll keep you keep you posted, but right now, I need to get to a meeting.

Commitment

Tonight, I'm speaking at a small meeting I attended for the first time last week. I'm really not nerovus... yet!! I'm really looking forward to the opportunity to share my experience, strength and hope, to tell how it was, what happened, and what it's like now. I am very grateful to be almost a year and a half sober and recovering, and I need to tell my story, not only in the hope that it helps another alcoholic, but to keep me focused on my journey in recovery as well.

Besides, it will be good practice, because I'm sharing at another meeting this coming Saturday evening. When it rains, it pours, and I'm being deluged with blessings.

It hasn't been easy, particularly these last 8 to 9 months. I started working in January, and quickly became obsessed with work. Yes, I am an addict in all respects, and now that drinking is not an option, my addictive behavior and attitude still strives to prevail and take over, to take the control back from my Higher Power. Because, after all, I run my life so much better than my HP possibly can, right?

This addictive controlling nature is what will take me out if I let anything come between me and my Higher Power, if I let something else become my Higher Power. I become, irritable, restless and discontent, and quickly fall into my "victim" role, wondering why everyone is against me and why my life sucks, and why God has deserted me, and WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME???!!!!

The only thing that has happened is me. I've gotten in the way again. I've become disconnected from my Higher Power because I'm not making any effort to connect. My recovery and continued sobriety is but a daily reprieve, contingent upon my spiritual condition, and if I'm not pursuing my recovery, my relationship with my Higher Power, my relationships with others, and if I'm not using the tools I have learned to use in this program, I WILL fail. And, eventually, for me, that failure will result in drinking again.

This program works, but only if I work it. If I forget that, I will relapse, and the relapse is the shift in my thinking, attitudes, behaviors, and eventually, my beliefs. Picking up a drink is merely the final plunge off the cliff.

Telling my story, whether to a group or to a woman crying to me on the phone or after a meeting keeps ME sober. It is a powerful part of my recovery because it reminds me of where my drinking took me, it's consequences and impact on myself and those I love, and how amazing the life I have now is.

I don't want to lose what God and AA have so freely given me, and the only way to keep it is to give it away to other alcoholics.

Still Here . . . And Still Sober!

OMG, I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted or read any blogs on my blogroll. "So what's up with that?," you might be wondering. I know I'm wondering...

I think it basically has a lot to do with my job. My boss is a classic A-type personality. She's got tons of energy, and is constantly thinking up great new ways to increase and improve our marketing. The only problem is that it's up to the marketing specialist, AKA yours truly, to implement her ideas. One of her recent ideas was to create a blog and write a minimum of 3 posts a week. Then she decided she needed 4 blogs (so far), with 3 posts a week to each, which means I now have to do (well, theoretically anyway) a minimum of 18 posts a week (the posts are duplicated on 2 of the blogs, so it's ONLY 18, rather than 36 a week at this point), complete with images I have to edit and post to her image server, etc., etc.

The bottom line is I'm pretty much blogged out by the time I finish doing hers, and just have not been motivated to post anywhere else.

Actually, though, something she blogged about today and the comments it generated prompted me to blog tonight. Because I don't want to share the unfortunate experience others have had in being dooced, I will refrain from linking to her post, but the gist of it was her describing her involvement in volunteering for a center which helps single mother alcoholics by providing a safe haven for them to enter treatment, providing care for their children as well, and teaching them parenting and coping skills in addition to the standard rehab program.

One of the commenters said that she was tired of programs which treated those with substance abuse problems as though they were disabled, since addiction is a choice.

I SO wanted to comment, but couldn't because it's a site that only licensed professionals can access. I really take issue with the statement the commenter made, not only because her attitude was downright callous, but because addiction is NOT a choice, at least in my own humble opinion, as well as that of the AMA.

Don't get me wrong. Did I have a choice in taking that first drink? Of course I did. Did I have a choice in ignoring the fact that I'd obviously gone over the edge at some point and could no longer control my drinking? Of course I did. Did I have a choice in not seeking help when it became clear to me that I could not stop on my own? Of course I did. Did I have a choice when I stopped going to AA because I was "uncomfortable" (read: not ready to admit and accept I am an alcoholic) and continued to go on drinking binges? Of course I did.

Did I have a choice in receiving a gene which predisposes me toward addiction? NO, I DID NOT! Is it fair? No, but neither is cancer, congenital disease, senile dementia, and a host of other medical problems people face and deal with every day.

I was blessed enough to have the time, the financial resources, and the lack of family and employment obligations to be able to enter into an intensive inpatient treatment program for 4 1/2 months. Most people don't have that luxury. I don't think I would have gotten sober and entered recovery if I had not been able to pursue the particular course I took. I would still be drinking, or I would be dead by now. I didn't care if I died because I hated myself and I hated what my life had become, and most of all, I hated the thought of a future which seemed hopeless.

I cannot imagine the seemingly insurmountable and overwhelming odds a young mother with an addicition to drugs and/or alcohol faces when she finally hits bottom and gets that spark of desire to end the cycle of addiction and enter recovery. Thank God for a place which can offer her the resources to take care of herself and her family while she is beginning the journey to become the person that she wants to be, and that her family needs her to be.

I'm frustrated by this commenter's ignorance and lack of compassion, but it's not my problem. All I can do is pray for her and spread the word that help is available, no matter what your circumstances are. All you have to do is ask for help.

And sometimes that's the hardest thing to do.

A Happy Annivesary

Yesterday was my one year anniversary. I meant to blog yesterday, but never thought about it when I wasn't busy doing something else.

Yesterday was a "normal" Saturday for me. I got up at 7:30 and had my coffee, cigarette and quiet time. I had an appointment at 9:00 a.m. to get my hair deep conditioned and cut, and when I got home a little after 11:00, I made a smoothie to take with me on my way up to West Palm Beach where I go to outpatient therapy almost every Saturday. My appointment was at 3:00, so I made an appointment at 1:30 to have my nails done, the first chance I've had in 3 weeks.

I was at the outpatient building of the treatment center where I went last May by 2:45, so I went into the bookstore and talked with H, a friend I met while in residential care, who is the boyfriend of one of my best friends, K, who was in treatment with me the whole 4 1/2 months I was there, both in residential care and in sober living. I had spoken to K only a little eariler, while at the nail salon, and we are both excited because this coming Thursday, we will be among the celebrants receiving their medallions at the center's monthly alumni celebration.

My therapy session was good, but emotionally draining, as my therapist pointed out that I have allowed work to become my first priority to the detriment of my relationships, my sobriety, and my spiritual life. She was right, of course, but the truth hit hard, and I was exhausted by the time I left.

I drove the hour's drive home and decided to lay down for an hour or so, and had just begun to drift off when my cell phone rang It was my sponsor, calling to wish me a "Happy Anniversay." I shared with her what I'd confronted with my therapist's insight and help, and the steps we'd outlined for me to take in the next few weeks to get myself back on track. Of course, my sponsor was in total agreement, saying she needed to hear that, too, as she is in nearly an identical place. We talked for about half an hour, and planned to get together for dinner Monday, before our women's meeting.

By this time, it was almost 7:00m so I spent time with my husband and kitty, put in a load of laundry, and fixed dinner. We watched some television together, and then it was time for bed.

This is a day in my normal" life, my life in sobriety and recovery. It's not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. I mess up. I still get angry, scared, hurt, lonely and tired. I still can form a resentment quite easily and blame others for my emotional state. I still get lazy and lose my focus in working my program. I still can find "good" excuses not to go to meetings or call my sponsor or help others. I still can be too busy or too down or too tired to connect with my Higher Power. I still can hurt others, especially those closest to me.

The difference is that now I can go through the ups and downs and be aware of the emotions I feel instead of numbing or ignoring them. When I mess up, I can admit it and take responsibility for my actions, and take steps to work on the root character defect(s). I can listen to someone confronting me with the truth without immediately going on the defensive, and I know when it's someone who loves and cares for me, that they are motiviated by that love and care.

My life isn't perfect. I'm not perfect. Only my Higher Power is perfect, and if I abide in Him, He has promised to abide in me, directing, guiding, comforting, consoling, and challenging me to become more and more conformed to His image, until the day I meet Him face to face, and then I will be perfect at last.