Something to Celebrate

I went to my home group tonight to pick up my 90 Day chip.

It was awesome!

I was expecting...

I'm not sure.

Questions? Rejection? Accusations? Hostility?

You see, it had been about a month since I'd been to my home group.

I had been too ashamed to go back because of my long absence (a direct result of listening to the stupid, stupid disease voice), but made up my mind tonight to go because I WANTED THAT FREAKIN' 90 DAY CHIP, and also, I thought it was kinda selfish for me NOT to go and let my home group celebrate with me.

Seriously. Despite my recent prolonged absence, I wouldn't have made it to 90 days if not for them.

My sponsor was there, too. Everyone was absolutely fantastic, assuring me of their understanding, acceptance and genuine love. And, giving me some much needed ass-kicks, too. I definitely will endeavor NOT to fall into the trap of listening to that voice and not going to my fave meetings again.

The topic of tonight's meeting was living in the present, or staying in today.

It could not have been more appropriate for me, in light of my recent struggles. I shared, and told on myself, and how I've been struggling emotionally and even wanting to drink again (not in the past couple of days, but as recently as last Sunday, as I shared in previous posts), and how I realize that this has ALL been because I'm NOT living in the present or staying in today.

I've been romanticizing the past and projecting into the future.

No wonder I've been going nuts. What a catharsis! What a freakin' dumb-ass I've been!!!!

Okay, everyone together, now... 1, 2, 3... "We told you so!" :D

90 Days!

It's finally here.

The big Nine-Oh.

I've been looking ahead to it for so long now, and now that it's here, I actually had to remind myself that it had arrived.

Funny.

When I was approaching 30 days, I was soooo excited and energized, thinking I was ready to take on the world.

At 60 days, I was gritting my teeth, wondering why it even mattered.

Now, here at 90 days, I feel quiet satisfaction in having attained this once-impossible goal, but I also realize how tenuous and fragile my newfound sobriety is, and how difficult the road is that stretches before me.

I am resigned to continuing to follow it. I really do know my life is better without alcohol, even though at times, the lure of numbing my emotions is still there. I am acquiring tools and skills which equip me to fight the urges, and deal with my raw emotions, though, and these are crucial to living life as it is and will be.

Occasionally, I experience joy, and even serenity. These fruits sustain me, and make me hungry for more, which I know will come, if I continue my journey.

I treasure the friends I've made, and continue to make along the way. I invite you all to celebrate with me today!

Half-nAAked Progress, Not Perfection

I'm making progress in many areas, but certainly have not achieved perfection.

Obviously, if my abs were as chiseled, or my arms as toned as I'd like, I wouldn't have posterized the image. And, note the boxes in the background, STILL waiting to be unpacked.

However, I'm healthier and at my lowest weight in 3 years, I'm eating well, NOT DRINKING, and exercising.

PROGRESS.

Except for a very small pile near the front door (which will be unpacked by the end of this coming weekend) this is the LAST of the boxes (not in storage, that is) and they'll be unpacked during R's semester break.

PROGRESS.

Sometimes in this journey of sober living, I feel as if I'm taking one step forward, and two steps back. But, when I look back and survey the road I've trudged so far, I do see PROGRESS, however slow that may be. And, seeing that gives me the courage and the will and the joy to continue. See some of those who are helping me along the way at Half-nAAked Thursday.

Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

—from How It Works

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on... [O]ne thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize...

—from Philippians 3:12-14, NIV

Gratitude, with Gritted Teeth

Okay, so I've been in a funk for a while now. A major contributor to my sickness (whether we're talking about alcoholism or depression), though, is focusing solely on the negative—whether it's what's negative about me, my life, other people, the world—whatever.

Even though it may seem like I have nothing to be grateful for right now, I know rationally and intellectually that that's a lie. So, with gritted teeth, I will make an effort to do the one thing that has been successful in the past, when I've been feelin' funky.

Without further ado, I present:

A List of (Grudging) Gratitude:

• Boots, when he's not demon-possessed (and sometimes when he is!)



• R, when I'm not mad at him, because deep down, I DO love him, or I wouldn't still be here



• The weather being cool and dry enough for me to have gone for a run today



• The way running (okay, jogging) calms my mind



• 2 ski trips in my very near future!



• The church we've found, and the real friends I'm making there



• The way God is making me aware of the fact that I've turned my back on him for years, not the other way around, and that it's not an irreversible action



• I've been able to lose 7 pounds in the past 4 weeks, via not drinking alcohol and the South Beach Diet



• My HP is not a God of confusion, and I can seek his wisdom and direction through prayer, and he promises to give me a sound mind



• My blogging peeps (special hugs to Kenny), even the ones who piss me off when they say stuff I don't want to hear, 'cuz I know they are just telling me what I NEED to hear (or at least what they think I need to hear)

Ahhhh.

Don't know whether it's endorphins or the list, but that feels sooooo much better!

Anger and Resentment

I am angry and resentful.

There's no getting around it. That's what it is.

I'm angry that when my parents came, my husband didn't spend any time doing stuff and going places with us because he was so immersed in completing an assignment which he finally gave up on the day they left.

Coincidence? Seems suspicious to me...

I resent his self-centeredness and self-absorption, which he doesn't acknowledge, and probably can't even see.

I'm angry that the day after they left, he called HIS mother and arranged for her to come for a visit, which is very conveniently going to coincide with his semester break.

I'm so angry about this entire situation, because it so overwhelmingly typifies the dynamics of our relationship.

I'm angry and resentful that HIS goals, HIS agenda, HIS plans are the only ones that matter, and that he doesn't care if their achievement results in the disruption and absolute upheaval of our lives.

I'm angry that I don't matter in the equation, and I deeply resent his selfishness.

So, how do I handle the anger, the resentment, the resulting bitterness? Do I talk to him? No.

In my defense, talking doesn't seem to get us anywhere. He won't see things from my perspective, and immediately goes on the defense, even when I take great care and pain NOT to accuse and berate him.

So, instead, I find reasons not to have sex with him when he tries to initiate it for the first time in months (literally). I keep buying things online, even though I know he'll find out and be angry (both the need to fill the emotional void, and striking out against him are involved there, I guess) and our financial situation is precarious at best. I stay up at night until 2:00 or 3:00 AM, watching shows I've TiVoed, and I sleep until 10:00 or 11:00 AM every morning.

This is S0 MUCH a part of why I began to drink again 8+ years ago. Not only did drinking numb my feelings of hurt, disappointment, anger, rejection, abandonment, loss, grief, etc., but it also was a way for me to punish HIM, and a way for me to scream without using my voice, "Look at what the fuck is going on here! Don't you realize or care how fucking miserable I am????"

The problem is, it didn't work that way, in ANY way that helped our relationship. And that made me want to numb the pain even more, the pain that became even greater with the knowledge that he couldn't or wouldn't see beyond the action and realize that something in our lives needed to change.

A Vsit from the Joneses

Why have the cravings come back so strong??? I'm now at 85 days and I keep jonesing for a drink.

Not a drink, as in any ol' slug of alcohol.

More like the drink.

The mojita that's the Cuban restaurant's house specialty (not a fan of rum, but it sounds so yummy!).

The Beaujolais Nouveau that the grocery store is handing out freakin' samples of, as I weave through the aisles in an attempt to avoid the end-cap wine displays (and BTW, whatever happened to no alcohol being sold on Sundays? at least then I had one day of "safe" shopping!).

This, too, shall pass. This, too, shall pass.

My new mantra. Catchy, no?

Got to get to a meeting tonight, even if it's not one I particularly like.

Too long in my own head: NOT a good thing. Isolating and avoiding: NOT a good thing. Yelling and cussing at my blogging peeps: NOT a good thing. Admitting I'm wrong and taking steps to correct it: a VERY good thing.

Oh, and P.S. Boots has his own blog now. Check it out.

Hell Week

The past few days have been hellish in a lot of ways, mostly because I've refused to listen to others, to myself (i.e., the part of me that is still rational and reasonable), and most crucially, to God (my HP).

I know this.

But, I'm still in a funk, and I don't want to hear anything that threatens me, challenges me, or pisses me off even more than I already am.

I'm ashamed and weary of the way in which I've been posting, censoring and editing myself for fear of how it will be received by those reading it. Dammit, this is my blog—my JOURNAL—and it's for me, to express how I'm feeling and how I'm responding to what's going on around me, so if you don't like it, fuck off. It is what it is. I'm not going to pretend everything's hunky-dory when it's not. (And yes, I'm definitely a glass-half-empty kind of girl.)

That said, I also realize that what I'm experiencing right now is not atypical for someone with 80 to 90 days in. In Georgia, when they handed out the chips, they always said something about the 90 day chip being "red for danger." I didn't understand that then, but I do now. I thought then that it was because at 90 days, you'd become complacent and less vigilant, and that a slip could occur because you weren't being watchful and guarded.

Now, I think it's more because you grow weary and despondent at this point, seeing for the first time in a long time what your life is really like, not having a clue how to make it different and better, and seeing the years stretch out before you with no hope of ever REALLY getting better, getting CURED from alcoholism.

It's at this point that I again begin romanticizing drinking: The Beaujolais Nouveau has just come out. Just to taste an Absolut Raspberri cosmopolitan again. A dirty martini is soooo sophisticated. Maybe if I just hold out until I go skiing in January and limit myself to one glass of wine an evening. Plus one cocktail. I must not be a REAL alcoholic, if I can control my drinking that way. And of course, I'll NEVER drink at home again. Or never more than one, anyway, and only if I have 2 hours before R gets home after I drink it. Because, he won't understand that now I know how to control it, and I don't want to worry or hurt him again.

Part of me just wants to give up, and take that first drink, that first step back out.

But the better, smarter part wants to see this through. Because, deep down, I do have a residual glimmer of hope that life WILL get better if I stick this out. That the feelings of despair, depression, and despondency will abate. That I WILL figure out what I'm good at, what my true passion is, what my purpose in being on this planet is. And, I know that if I'm going to do that, if I WANT to do that, I need to do it without alcohol.

I am proud of being sober for 83 days, too. And, I definitely want that "red for danger" 90 day chip.

80 Days...

...And I want to drink like crazy.

It blows when you get sober and realize that you had excellent reasons to drink in the first place.

Like your life sucks, and you can't see a way out of your circumstances, or a way to make it better.

Like you feel trapped and stuck, and death really seems like a more pleasant option.

Like you feel if you have to endure 49 more years of this crap, you'd rather not have to experience it.

Like your husband has become merely your roommate, and the romance and passion, which have long since died, can never be rekindled, and you're only staying together because neither one of you is motivated enough to leave, or has the guts to do so.

Like if the only way to stay sober is to stay stuck at the same point for the next 40 years and go to meetings for the rest of your miserable life, you'd rather not, thank you very much.

I'm not going to drink today, but I sure as hell want to.

Day 79 and All's Fine

Just checking in, again.

Had a great Thanksgiving, and a wonderful time with my parents. We did the whole tourist thing. On Saturday, we went to Butterfly World, and my mother and I were in heaven.

Now, you have to understand that I am C-R-A-Z-Y about butterflies, butterfly gardening, butterfly-themed china, etc. When we moved to South Florida earlier this year, my hubby let me give away our old stoneware and get new all-occasion china that I've been wanting for years—Butterfly Meadow by Lenox. (Yes, I know it's sickeningly girly and frou-frou, but I'm a girl, dammit, so shut up and leave me the f*** alone!)

But, I digress.

Of course, I went ahead and bought an annual pass. This is a haven I can visit as often as 2 or 3 times a month if I need or want to, since it's only 25 minutes away. Realistically, I see myself taking a "spirit break" there at least every other month! I brought home a beautiful Lady Margaret passion flower vine to put into one of my mosaic-tiled pots I brought back from Haiti. I'll take a photo once I get it transplanted and post it.

My parents are non-drinkers (except for the VERY occasional glass of wine—maybe once a year, or even less), so alcohol was a non-issue. Of course, they don't know I'm in the program yet, and I haven't figured out when a good time to clue them in would be, since they didn't know I'd developed a problem with alcohol.

*Sigh*

When the time is right, I'll know, and I'll be okay with telling them, but it really didn't seem to be the right time during this visit.

That's about it for now. Hope everyone had a happy Turkey Day!

After Awhile, Crocodile

Just a VERY short note to let y'all know I'm doing fine. Just needed a little time to sort things out, regain perspective, etc. Thank you so much to those of you who emailed me, sharing your love and concern. I realized more than ever the very real power and love we share in these virtual rooms.

I'm on Day 72, and going strong. Actually had a day (Saturday) where I never ONCE even thought about alcohol in any capacity, and only realized it the next day (yesterday). This gives me a vast amount of hope that in the future, with years of sobriety under my belt, that may be the norm, rather than the exception. Of course, I have to balance the desire and goal for "normal" days with the need to remain always vigilant and purposeful in pursuing, maintaining, and building my sobriety.

I probably won't post much for a while, as things are going to be very hectic here for the next few weeks (my parents are coming for Thanksgiving for starters!!! :D), but I'll try to check in at least once a week just to let y'all know I'm okay.

See Ya Later, Alligator

Taking a break.

Nothing New Under the Sun

Hey, guys and girls. I'm okay. Just dealing with some stuff, and need to process it some more internally before I post anything about it, and even then, I'm not sure it's stuff I want to share with everyone in cyberspace, so I may not post anything about it ever (it's probably more 4th and 5th Step in nature). I will say, it's not anything new. Just old junk. It's got to come out, but in the proper context.

I started the South Beach Diet on Monday, and feel really good physically, so that's a big plus. I'm going to start jogging regularly and doing some really light free weights. I know it will help a lot with the blue moods I've been experiencing lately. Plus, I've got to get in shape for ski season (going to Vail in January, and Snowmass in February!!).

So that's it. I'm on Day 62. My sponsor's been away on a cruise this week, and I've been playing hooky from all things AA. I did go to my Wednesday night women's meeting, and had dinner with "the girls" prior to the meeting, but that's all, and that's not a good thing. I will get my sorry butt to a meeting tomorrow, fo sho.

I haven't had any terribly strong urges to drink, but I can sense that shift in my thinking that begins so quickly and so insidiously when I'm not vigilant and purposeful about my sobriety. I had a very difficult struggle in the grocery store last night when I couldn't find cooking wine, and almost gave up and bought regular wine. Thankfully, The Voice (who dAAve says is my HP) helped me play out the result of that scenario, and then, just as I had made up my mind to ask someone where the cooking wine was, one of the employees asked me if I needed help finding something and told me exactly where to find it.

Now, was that a God thing, or what?!

Update: It's cool

Okay, so I talked to my sponsor. I told her I was finding the assignment difficult because I found that I was restating the same things, just in different ways. In the meantime, I'd had an idea of doing a collage to represent the things over which I'm powerless, and she LOVES that idea.

So, we're both happy.

I'm not blowing off the assignment, or refusing to be cooperative. Instead, I've come up with a way to do it that is meaningful to me. And my sponsor, who is an artist and also very visually oriented, likes that very much.

Best of all, I didn't ditch my sponsor because I was scared to talk to her. Maybe I'm starting to grow up, just a little.

Stuck on Step 1

This is embarrassing to have to confess. I'm still on Step 1, on Day 54. Shouldn't I be further along by now?

The assignment my sponsor has given me for this step at first seemed like it would be ridiculously easy to complete.

List 300 things over which I am powerless.

That's it.

Do you know how freakin' hard this is? Should I narrow it down to categories? Should I include the insignificant items, or the obvious items like "I'm powerless over how fast my nails grow; I'm powerless over the sun's rising; I'm powerless over death..." Blah, blah, blah-ba-dee-blah, ad infinitum.

I'm frustrated and angry because I already feel freaking powerless over every area of my life!!!!! Why do you think I drank in the first place?????

This is holding me back, and I can't move on to Step 2 until I get it over with. Should I tell my sponsor I need a different assignment, or that I'm struggling with this one, and that it seems stupid and pointless to me? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I feel like all I'm doing now is avoiding the issue entirely. I'm even wondering if I need a different sponsor, but I think that's just the part of me that gives up when the going gets tough, and that's part of what I'd like to work on changing (I think, anyway).

Maybe I like being stuck. Is that sick, or what? Maybe I don't want to move forward and grow. I think I do, though. So, do I just grit my teeth and do the assignment, or do I talk to my sponsor and tell her what's going on, or both, or option D) None of the above?

Help!!!!

Happy Halloween!

Sorry! Just could not resist the urge to do something a little creepy for that creepiest of all holidays, All Hallows Eve. :D

Don't worry boys and ghouls; things will be back to "normal" the day after tomorrow.

In the meantime, have a very scary Halloween, and don't gorge on candy and make yourselves sick. Just remember if you do, though, you never have to feel that way again!!   ;)

Update: If you missed it, you can see it here.

Lazy Saturday

Today's one of those lazy, rainy days where it's sooooo easy just to sleep really late, crawl out of bed at the crack of noon, sip coffee and visit my fellow blogging peeps. So, even though I feel a little guilty about being so lazy, I'm going to luxuriate in these moments for a bit longer...

And, then I'll go make my hubby some WAFFLES!!! (Yeah, come on over—you're ALL invited!)

Lazy Saturday Gratitude:

• Lazy, rainy Saturday mornings


• Awesome blogging peeps


• Awesome sober women


• My sweet, handsome husband


• My sweet, adorable (and handsome) kit-kat-kitten, Boots


• Waffles


• Eight O'Clock French Roast coffee


• The Internet


• A very mild, uneventful hurricane season for South Florida


• Waking up without a sinus headache


• 49 consecutive hangover-free mornings


• Real butter


• Real maple syrup


• Waffles


• A gym membership which can be utilized to work off the above!


• The willingness to face up to and work through 49 years of crap


• The desire, willingness, and ability to do so without picking up a drink


• My HP, who will make that possible for me


• An awesome support network, including a compassionate counselor


• Self-storage facilities (R's finally agreed, and without too much nagging!)


• Oh, and did I mention??... WAFFLES!!!

half-nAAked adolescence

This is me at about age 14 or 15, about the time I can remember just being so confused about life, my purpose in it, what I was supposed to be and do... that life was just passing me by, and that somehow I just didn't get whatever it was that I was supposed to know intuitively, or have learned in order to be the person I was destined to be. This is the point at which I began to feel lost.

I've begun a journey now to face life clear-headedly, to grow up, and to find me along the way.

Come and learn more about the others who are trudging along with me at Half-nAAked Thursday.

Tuesday Thankfulness

It's Tuesday, and I'm thankful.

Funny, because when I awoke this morning, we'd lost power, and that usually makes me extremely anxious and out of sorts. But, I think even that situation has intensified my awareness of being grateful!

Today, I'm grateful because:

• I live in a country where, if a transformer breaks, it's not necessary for those in the community to pool their meager resources, purchase a new one, and arrange with the electric utility company to install it at their earliest convenience, which will not be for at least two weeks, and only after the necessary bribes have been paid.


• I have had the experience of living in a third-world country and can appreciate a well-functioning infrastructure.


• I live in a wonderful country, and I know not to take that blessing for granted.


• I can now pass a wine display in the grocery store and not have a craving for a glass of wine.


• I'm starting to see how showing up for life is the beginning of creating the life I want.


• I've been sober for 45 days, and can see that this is so much better than not being sober.


• I want to keep being sober more than I want to run away from life, my emotions, people, places and things.


• I have wonderful blogging friends, and I'm starting to build real friendships with people I'm meeting here in the rooms.


• I have a vibrant, kick-ass sponsor, who has a vibrant, kick-ass sponsor.

Just Growing Pains

I feel like maybe I wasn't clear in what I was trying to communicate in that last post, and I need to clarify things a bit...

I'm really OKAY, even GOOD right now. Rereading the post, I can see how what I wrote might be perceived as negativity, but that is far from what I'm actually feeling or experiencing. This has been a real turning point, a breakthrough moment, even an epiphany for me.

I have a lot of HOPE and a lot of SERENITY right now.

What I meant to convey is that I'm facing up to what I don't like, knowing that it's NOT forever, that what's past IS in the past, and that I CAN move forward from here.

Most importantly, I'm NOT RUNNING AWAY from it by drinking.

I'm NOT dwelling on it, or wallowing in it.

Maybe I was wallowing and dwelling last week, but the point of the post is that I'm ready to move beyond wallowing and dwelling, and start growing.

And, I'm good. I really, really am in a good, healthy place.

A growing place.

Out of My Head

Okay. So I think I know what's going on.

I'm showing up for life. Life isn't all pink clouds, puppies and kittens, and flowers. I have stuff in my life I don't like. It's been there all along. I just made it (seem to) go away with alcohol. It's still there, because it never really went away.

So, now, I have to deal. And that sucks because it hurts. It hurts to look at myself—at my empty, pointless, directionless, purposeless life—and admit face that this is where I'm at.

It's kind of a chicken/egg scenario. Which came first? The drinking to deal with blot out my empty, pointless, directionless, purposeless life, or my loss of meaning, direction and purpose?

I don't know. I don't know if that even matters.

What matters is that now I have a chance to start over. To find meaning, direction, purpose and passion. To build a new life. A life I like and want.

And I think it's possible that I may find a me I like, as well.

40 Days

Today is Day 40 for me.

I'm still sober, and I'm very grateful.

Grateful that I'm still sober. Grateful that I have friends here in the virtual rooms, as well as in the physical rooms of AA that I visit. Grateful that you have been where I am and you know it gets better. Grateful I can remember how it was 41 days ago, and that even if this sucks right now, it's better than that ever was. Grateful that my Higher Power is God and that he cares when I get depressed, overwhelmed, and lost in my own head. Grateful that I can pray and that prayer works. Grateful that many of you REMIND me to pray. Grateful that a few of you know when I need my butt kicked, and aren't afraid to do it.

I'm okay. Today, I'm okay.

Yesterday, I could see clearly that if I didn't confess out loud what I was feeling to another person, and more particularly, to another alcoholic, I was heading down a path that would inevitably lead to my picking up that first drink.

So I did. Confess it out loud, I mean.

First, to my husband (a shameless normie). Then, to the women at the meeting I attend on Wednesday evenings. Then, today, to my sponsor when I called her this afternoon. And, finally, to my home group at this evening's meeting.

I'm at peace again.

Thank you for the atta girls and get reals. I need ALL of you. I love ALL of you.

You ALL rock my world.

It's the Disease Talking

Okay, I lied. This is my second post this weekend. I'm posting because I need to tell on myself.

I'm in an icky place emotionally.

Part of it is because I don't feel well physically (the exact same crap I had about 6 weeks ago, where it feels like you're getting a bad cold, but it never really develops into a full-blown cold — just makes you feel lethargic, foggy, and blah).

Part of it is just plain fear and part of it is something I have yet to identify.

I typed "fear." What am I afraid of? I really don't know. I know I feel incredibly overwhelmed and sad and defeated when I think of what the rest of my life looks like, and see it stretching out before me, punctuated by daily AA meetings, calls to my sponsor, step work and service.

Don't get me wrong. I'm so grateful to have finally "gotten it," and I know where I would be without AA, because the memory of that is crystal clear and oh-so-fresh in my mind.

I just don't want this to be my life. I'm tired of having to plan my day around meetings. I'm sad that the ONLY people I'm making any real effort to connect with are fellow alcoholics.

This disease—my enslavement to it—has taken over my life for the past eight years. Now, I'm in recovery, and I'm not drinking, but I'm still enslaved to the disease, only handling it in a "positive" way. It is still taking over my life. There doesn't seem to be any middle ground.

I know what the "right" answers are. Just focus on today. One day at a time. It's the disease talking. Etc., etc., etc.

Don't really know where I'm going with this. Just needed to let it out.

And yes, I'm going to call my sponsor and go to a meeting.

Blah

Not much is up. Okay, that's probably not entirely true. I'm just not ready to post anything too deep-thoughty today.

Also, I've gotten the motivation going to get back to unpacking and settling in to our "new" digs here, so I don't want to lose that energy.

So, I will probably catch up on reading some of your blogs over the weekend, but may not be posting much for a few days.

But, I'm okay. Still doing my 90 in 90, still calling my sponsor daily, etc.

Just not very posty right now.

Also, feeling blah and like I may be getting a head cold.

Oh, and got kinda creeped out by a 13th stepper last night. But, more on that later.

half-nAAked Milestone

Picking up this beautiful One Month chip once seemed like an impossible goal. The path stretches out before me, but now I have HOPE!

For more foto fun, go to half-nAAked Thursday!

30 Days

Today is 30 days of continuous sobriety for me!!! I had just about given up on reaching this goal, that is until 30 days ago! In celebration, I thought a list of 30 things I'm grateful for would be most appropriate. So, without further ado...

30 Things I'm Grateful For Today:

1. 30 days of continuous sobriety. (Duh!)


2. The women's group I discovered 28 days ago.


3. The women in the women's group who have what I want.


4. My husband and his support.


5. My home group and their support.


6. My blogging buds and budettes and their support


7. My awesome sponsor, M.


8. My favorite guys in my home group, D and K.


9. My other favorite guy, J, who visits my home group almost every weekend, and urged me to go ahead and ask M to be my sponsor.


10. G, who says she's going to ask to give out the chips at tonight's meeting so she can be the one to give me my 30 day chip.


11. A program which gives me tools to USE in place of my former abUSE of alcohol.


12. Powerlessness.


13. The Serenity Prayer.


14. Edy's Peppermint Stick Ice Cream.


15. The miracle of the slow-churning process (half the fat, yet all the creaminess -- how DO they do that???).


16. Being able to buy my winter clothes at summer clothing clearance sales, because where I live, it's always summer.


17. Palm trees.


18. Butterflies.


19. Tropical flowers.


20. Songbirds.


21. Kitties, especially my Boots.


22. T's coming to last night's meeting (even though obviously very high on something), and picking up a white chip.


23. That the chip I pick up tonight will NOT be white!


24. That the physical cravings for alcohol seem to be diminishing significantly.


25. That I'm learning to identify what triggers the urge to drink (for me), and am dealing with those issues as they come up in a healthier way.


26. That this journey is a journey.


27. That this process is a process.


28. That although AA may not be the right way for everyone, it seems to be the right way for me.


29. For those of you who told me that slips are serious and eventually would take me out permanently.


30. For Scott W telling me for the umpteenth time to Just Do It.

Happy Birthday, Carly!

Happy BirthdAAy to you,
Happy BirthdAAy to you,
Happy BirthdAAy, dear Carly —
Happy BirthdAAy to you.

And mAAny more!

Carly is celebrating ONE YEAR of continuous sobriety today. She is my heroine, my inspiration, a true Wonder Woman! Please trot on over there and wish her a happy, happy 365!

Thank Goodness It's Friday

Today is Friday and I'm thankful and grateful for:

• Beautiful, cooler and drier weather.


• The opportunity to live in a friendly community with tons of AA meetings to choose from.


• The absolutely gorgeous full moon at sunset tonight.


• God's revelation of himself through nature.


• The ability I have today to choose not to drink, even when life gets a little tougher.


• 27 days sober, and without a hangover!


• The opportunity to serve this month in my home group, by making coffee for the Tuesday meeting, and at my Sunday women's group, also by making coffee.


• The renewed affection and appreciation my husband and I have for one another, since I've made a serious commitment to getting sober.


• The support my husband gives me in working for my sobriety.


• The new friends I've found in the meetings here.


• That K., a delightfully young-at-heart oldtimer in my home group celebrates his 45th sobriety birthday tomorrow!


• Blogging fellows and fellowettes, and the support and encouragement we both give and receive.


• dAAve's reminder that I only need to unpack one box a day!! :D


• Tomorrow is Saturday, which means... WAFFLES!!!

half-nAAked alter ego

I took this picture of Boots trying out his new kitty window/door right after we installed it. When I viewed the photos later, I was struck by the fact that he is half inside and half outside, and how that seemed to mirror where I had been for the past year in my attempts at sobriety. I wanted to "try it out," but not to make a full commitment. I was stuck on the inside of a prison of my own making, but too fearful of what lay beyond, outside of my alcoholic comfort zone, to go all the way through the door.


Now, I've finally found the courage to step through the door, but I'm still cautious, just standing on the ledge and surveying the landscape, getting my bearings, making sure that when I jump, I'll land on my feet.

To see more half-nAAked pics, click here.

Incredibly Awesome Gratitude

Don't know why, but I'm hitting the wall. I usually do this at 14 days or so, but today is Day 23, so don't know what's up with that.

I don't want to drink, and I'm not going to drink. Just being honest about where I'm at emotionally. I think I've been on somewhat of a pink cloud for the past 3 weeks, and reality is just coming back into focus a bit.

I'm feeling overwhelmed, because I have basically not unpacked any more boxes since 3 1/2 weeks ago. I thought I'd tackle the unpacking situation this morning, and I'm realizing why I originally got overwhelmed and stopped.

Only, I did it by retreating into a bottle last time, and this time, that is NOT AN OPTION! I think we're going to have to bite the bullet and pay for storage. The house is just too small, and there is NO WHERE to put anything.

Okay, I think a gratitude list would help my attitude and outlook, SO...

Today, I am grateful for:

• My incredibly awesome sponsor, and the fact that I like her and connect with her, and that she's got me working the steps.


• My incredibly awesome husband and his support of my efforts to get this sobriety thing going.


• My incredibly awesome blogging friends (yeah, YOU!!), including Tampa Realtor, who is celebrating 30 Days Sober today!!! Please go over and say "hello" and congratulate him on this accomplishment.


• My incredibly awesome HP who is giving me the strength today to turn over to him the things that are too difficult for me to do alone.

Now, remind me — exactly WHY was I down in the dumps?? :P :D

Work It, Baby

This post has been edited. I realized I probably should not use my sponsor's name, or the full name of the meeting, in order to preserve the anonymity of those concerned.

The very first time I walked into the D**** After Work Group, I slipped into a chair, and slid down, hiding, hoping that no one would notice me.

No such luck.

"Hi! I'm M****!"

I turned to see who had spoken these words, and my gaze was met by a pair of sparkling bluegreen eyes, set in an attractive, tanned face, framed by impossibly platinum blonde hair.

But, what I saw first was that grin. A grin that I couldn't help but return.

This past Tuesday, M**** became my sponsor. And she's taking the job seriously. She's already given me a Step 1 assignment, to make a list of 300 things over which I'm powerless (easier said than done, believe me). She also has me reading from the Big Book and from the 12&12. And, I'm going to meetings every day (still working on my 90 in 90!), and calling her every day. I'm trying to make sure I take time each morning to read and pray, at least for a few minutes.

She wants me to get this as much as I want to get it.

We had a celebration meeting tonight. Four people received medallions, including my sponsor, M****. It was a wonderful meeting, full of joy, laughter and applause. I was so happy to be a part of it, and to know that someday, a year from now, that will be me up there, as long as I keep doing what's suggested. As long as I keep doing those things each day. One day at a time.

I made a card for M****, in honor of her one-year anniversary celebration. Unfortunately, I forgot to take a photo of it, but here's a re-creation of it:
The words at the bottom are from The Promises, and read:

we will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace

Inside, I wrote:

I see in you such beauty, joy and serenity.
You truly have something I want for myself.
You are such an inspiration to me,
and to so many others, as well.
Congratulations on your first year of sobriety.
I know there are many more to come!

Yo! I Need a Sponsor

Question: How do I get a sponsor??

I've spoken up in several group meetings and identified myself as a newcomer both to the program (okay, relatively new) and to Dania Beach, and people have given me phone numbers afterward.

At the women's meeting last Monday night, I went up to the facilitator afterwards and said "I need to get a sponsor."

What I meant was "I would really like YOU to be my sponsor. Or someone you suggest."

She introduced me to several women and had them give me their phone numbers.

So I'm a little frustrated.

Obviously, the onus is upon me to call me them, and I don't want to because:

• I'm nervous calling people I don't know.


• I'm really apprehensive about asking a favor from someone I don't know.


• I fear rejection.


• What if I ask the wrong person, and then I'm stuck with her?

Please advise me, my wise friends.

Please kick my butt and make me call someone.

Short Gratitude List:

• 14 days of sobriety.


• Another beautiful hangover-free morning.


• You awesome blogging fellows and fellowettes (LOVE Carly's word!!).


• Waffles on Saturday morning. With real butter and real maple syrup.


• That since I cut out the alcohol, I can get away with waffles once a week without packing on the pounds (so far, anyway!).

Okay, gotta go and make waffles now!

P.S. Hey, please take a moment to stop by In My Alcoholic Mind and let her know we hear her and care. Thanks.

half-nAAked wishful thinking

Wishful Thinking

Hey, a girl can dream, can't she? Actually, I'm planning to go skiing in Snowmass, CO in February! How cool is THAT?

Psst... wanna see more HNT pics?

Cunning, Baffling, Powerful

Three out of the last four meetings I've gone to have dealt with relapse prevention. What is frightening is how clueless everyone seems to be about HOW to prevent a relapse from happening, other than the standard litany of "Go to meetings, do and re-do the steps, pray... work the program... work the program..."

I'm talking women (and men) with years of sobriety behind them, folks.

Last night, at the awesome women's meeting I found that my HP took me to last week, we had a speaker with an amazing story. She'd been sober for 20 years, and then, after becoming irritated with some people in her home group, quit going to meetings at all (she'd already pared down to one meeting a week). Her girlhood best friend moved back to town and they started hanging out together again (the friend, of course, is a drinker), and she started thinking that maybe she could just have a Corona with a wedge of lime every now and then, and... well, you get the picture.

Long story.

Short version: She ended up in the hospital on August 5th, and has about 6 weeks of sobriety now.

I sat there, amazed at her courage in sharing this story, and so grateful that she realized her need to get back into fellowship with others who share her struggle against this cunning, baffling, powerful disease.

I had years of sobriety behind me before I started drinking again eight years ago. This time, it's been so much harder to get and stay sober. I'm only looking at 10 days right now since my last drink. I want to do this. I want to succeed. If it means staying in the program for the rest of my life... well, if that's what it takes, then that's what it takes, and that's what I need to do.

One day at a time.

One day at a time.

Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power. That One is God. May you find Him now!

Alcoholics Anonymus, pp. 58-59

One Happy Chica

Been feeling a bit under the weather physically the last few days. Nothing serious, probably just allergies, as it seems to be responding to Claritin. The night before last, I woke up in the middle of the night completely drenched — my t-shirt and the sheet beneath me soaked. I haven't had night sweats like that since I had malaria, so it was a little disconcerting. I think I definitely need to get back on hormone replacement therapy.

Despite feeling slightly icky, this has been a good week so far. I've stopped completely hating south Florida, and am starting to think I can actually be happy here. :D

I went to a meeting Monday night that was absolutely awesome. There was such a sense of spirituality among the women there. It was an all women's meeting, and it's been going on for 34 years! In fact, they are celebrating their 34th anniversary as an AA group next Monday.

This was one of the most welcoming groups I've been to, but it was more than that. I felt that there were women there that I have more in common with socially and professionally than at most of the other (handful of) meetings I've been to since we moved here. I finally feel that I've met some women with whom I can connect, and more importantly from whom I can learn. I want what they have.

The woman who led the meeting said something that really resonated and has stuck with me. She said she has this quote on an index card, taped to her mirror:

You are looking at the face of the only person responsible for your happiness today.

So simple, yet so profound.

And I'm finding happiness, or joy, in other, seemingly small things, too:

• The serenity on my husband's face as he sleeps.


• Boots's renewed contentment and confidence since the installation of his kitty door.


• Sunshine, palm trees, and butterflies.


• Really good coffee.


• My husband's telling me in a moment of self-doubt, "I love you very much." (Okay — that one's really huge!)

Yeah, today I'd have to say, I'm one pretty happy and grateful gal!

First HNT

Before Pedi: Kinda Gnarly

After Pedi: Shiny and New

This is my very first post to HNT. I decided to treat myself to a pedicure (and a manicure, as well) as a reward for being good to me and staying sober this week. I figure that I'll come out ahead in the end, as together the mani and pedi were $30.00, plus a $5.00 tip (I know, I know — I way over-tip!), since the most I'll have it done is every 3 weeks, and I was spending MINIMALLY $15.00 a week on booze (and that would be a "light" week).

I'm going to try to think up some other little rewards and treats for myself, too. I think it will make the initial part of this gig a little easier. This way, I'll know that since I'm choosing to give up alcohol, I'm choosing something else that is good for me, not just in an abstract sense, but an actual object or activity I can look forward to each week. Please give me any ideas you have for rewards, treats, etc. They can be material rewards (not exceeding $15.00 a week), or something more along the lines of reading a good book, a walk on the beach, etc.

Hey, I think I'm on to something! This sobriety thing could actually be kinda fun!! ;)

Memories

There are a handful of moments in life that are preserved with crystalline clarity in the minds of most people. Some are deeply personal. Some are joyous. Some are tragic. Some are just so overwhelming that they can never be fully comprehended.

Other than those deeply personal moments, there are only two occasions that I remember with that astounding clarity, as if they happened only yesterday. And actually, what is preserved is NOT the memories of those moments, but the emotions that accompanied them. The emotions are still there, strong and raw, even though the details of the days have grown cloudy.

One was the day John F. Kennedy was assassinated (I was in first grade). The other is September 11, 2001.

We were living in Port-au-Prince, Haiti. We didn't have email or a connection to the Internet. We didn't have cable TV or a satellite dish. I don't remember if we had cell phones yet. We didn't have a phone line in our house (couldn't get one, unless you knew someone in the government, or were willing to pay bribes and do it illegally).

The way we found out was that my husband had taken our outgoing mail to the dropoff point (it was flown out and in by cargo plane twice a week), and while there, he'd been told that a plane had apparently flown into one of the World Trade buildings.

At that point, we didn't know anything. Was it an accident? What was happening??

I remember looking into my husband's eyes, and him staring back into mine, and neither of us knowing what to say or do... neither of us knowing anything. Helpless. Powerless. Even to know what was going on. What was happening to the world? Our world. All we had to rely on was what other people were reporting to us, in bits and pieces throughout the morning.

After we heard that the second plane had hit, and it was obvious that this was some kind of planned attack, I went to bed and went to sleep. I did the same thing when I got the news that my maternal grandfather had died. I think my mind just shut down, and refused to deal at all with what was happening.

My husband came in later and woke me up to tell me that he'd turned on the TV, and on the news (in French) they were playing footage showing people jumping from what remained of the buildings, rather than choosing to die in the fires. I just looked at him, hating him for telling me this somehow even more horrible news, not quite believing its veracity. Then, I put the pillow over my head and tried to go back to sleep.

But I couldn't. I couldn't shut out the world and the truth and pretend that what was happening wasn't real, and I couldn't do a damn thing to change it or make a difference in any way whatsoever.

---

I'm grateful that the world, that life, doesn't get stuck in one moment in time. That it goes on. That it can and usually does get better. I'm grateful that our country not only survived nine-eleven, but has shown incredible strength and determination in the wake of that day's events, and that we as a people have emerged with a new awareness of how precious life and love are.

I'm grateful that I don't have to be stuck in time, in circumstances, in life as it is. That I can make choices to make my life better. I'm grateful that God is there and that he cares, and that I can ask him for help to grow. To become stronger. To rebuild. To recover.

I'm grateful for today.

A Slippery Path

My last several "slips" have been just that, not lasting more than a day, and with at least a week in between. I'm not proud that I'm still slipping, but being at a beginners meeting tonight helped me to see that this behavior is not that unusual. I'm just really frustrated with myself, because I know what I need to do (90 in 90, get a sponsor, work the steps, etc., etc.). I know it in my head, and I want to do it... eventually.

What's really worrying me now, though, is that I seem to have lost the DESIRE to stop drinking. Even in the meeting tonight, I was thinking about how much I'd like to have a glass of wine, and then when I went to the grocery store afterward to pick up cold medicine for my poor, sick hubby, I wandered down the wine aisle. I didn't buy any alcohol, but I could have. And I did last night, and a week before that.

What the hell's wrong with me? Oh, that's right: I'm an alcoholic, but I like pretending I'm NOT one. And when I try pretending I'm not an alcoholic, I start drinking, to prove to myself that I can control it, that I'm normal. Only I'm not, and I never will be. Why can't I accept that truth once and for all?

On the bright side, I think I've found the meeting that will be my new home meeting. It's about 5 blocks from my house, it meets EVERY day, most meetings are geared toward beginners, and the people are freakin' AWESOME!! At least 6 people introduced themselves to me before the meeting, and more afterward. I'm excited about going back. And as long as I'm going to meetings, I don't drink.

Now, if I could only stop the 3-step shuffle...

Life as Boots Sees It

Whether I'm in Georgia...



...Or South Florida...

...As long as I've got my "In" basket,
I'm one contented kitty.


Of course, if I'm REALLY stressed,
an afternoon nap is just the ticket.

I think my Mom could learn a LOT from me!
(Obviously, my Daddy already has.)

Therapy by Cinema

Hey. Sorry about the last post. I was really, really, down though, and appreciate the support and encouragement given by you awesome fellow bloggers in the comments.

I don't know why this move is so much harder than previous ones have been, but the reality is that it is, and I have to recognize that, and be a little easier on myself.

So, yesterday afternoon, I stopped unpacking for awhile and watched Enchanted April, which always lifts me out of a blue funk, and more importantly, shifts my awareness to outside of myself, and reminds me that if we give love only as we receive it, we will indeed find ourselves miserable. It's only when we decide to love generously, and not in proportion to what we receive, that we can truly be happy. Or something like that.

Breakfast at Tiffany's and Sense and Sensibility also have mood-lifting, focus-shifting impact. Therapy by cinema.

"This place makes me feel flooded with love. The important thing is to have lots of love about. I was very stingy with it back home. I used to measure and count it out. I had this obsession with justice, you see. I wouldn't love Mellersh unless he loved me back exactly as much. But, he didn't and neither did I. The emptiness of it all." (Lotty Wilkins in Enchanted April)

Alone

I'm so depressed, overwhelmed, and hopeless that I have no energy to post anything. I can't face this day after day.

I went to a meeting yesterday morning and it totally sucked. I felt utterly alone. Only one person spoke to me afterward.

I don't want to drink. I just want to die.

Just Checkin' In

This has to be short, because we're going out to dinner in a few minutes (one of the few nice things about not having my kitchen set up yet!). I'll post more tomorrow, or maybe even later tonight (including pics of Boots in his new home), but just wanted to let y'all know we made it here safe and sound, and for now, still sober (and my mother-in-law came with us and is still here, so some Herculean effort is involved here).

Oh, and some REALLY good news: Pope Joe is back!!! Stop over and say "hi" and let him know he's loved.

More to come later...

Update:
I'm too freakin' tired to add anything tonight. And tomorrow is another day.

Epiphanies

It seems that I just keep having those little Aha! moments. Not huge ones. Maybe not true epiphanies. Just small realizations that make a huge difference in my perceptions.

The Big Move to Southern Florida occurs this weekend. Yesterday, as we were packing things in the kitchen, my husband began wrapping the wineglasses and putting them in one of those boxes with the separate spaces for each stem.

"Honey," I asked, "Is there any reason for us to keep those?"

He looked down at the one he was holding.

"What do you mean?"

"Well... if we're never going to drink wine again, do we want to keep them?"

In the end, we compromised and kept a few, but I realized I would have been perfectly okay with getting rid of ALL of them (happier, in fact, than I am keeping a few).

In the past, I wouldn't have said anything... just, hurried and packed them myself before he had a chance to think through things, because in the back of my mind, I would have been thinking, "Someday, I might be able to drink just a glass of wine now and then."

For the first time, I thought about the possibility of not drinking for the rest of my life, and it actually seemed reasonable, and I didn't have that little niggle at the back of my mind saying, "You're not really a true alcoholic. One day, you'll conquer this problem and be able to drink normally."

Maybe Chapter 3 of the Big Book is finally starting to sink in, or maybe I'm starting to accept the truth about what being an alcoholic is and means.

Who knows. All I know is, the thought of not drinking for the rest of my life didn't freak me out or make me depressed for the first time EVER. I know that could change, and probably will from time to time, but for now, it's very cool.

Temporary Hiatus

This may be the last time I'm online until sometime next week (because of the Big Move), so please keep me in your prayers.

Oh, and if anyone knows of some good meetings in Dania Beach, FL, PLEASE leave a comment, or send me an email (you can get the address from my Blogger profile).

See y'all soon in the Sunshine State!

Feelings . . . Nothing More Than Feelings

Last night, I went to sleep feeling at peace, filled with determination to march head-on into the long journey of recovery, and planning to write a gratitude-filled post this morning.

Morning has come, and I feel shaky and scared.

All the doubts and what-ifs are rearing their ugly heads, whispering in their raspy, accusing voices.

"You've tried this how many times now?? — and you still haven't gotten it right."

"You're a loser."

"You can't do this."

"You're one of the unfortunates, one of the hopeless cases."

"You suck."

In one of the comments to the post prior to this one, Scott W. asked, "So, do you think this new sobriety date is a good one?"

My reply, in part, was:

"I think so. I'm seeing progress in my attitude and thinking, if not my actions so far. I don't think I've been as serious about doing this as I need to be, and I want to be serious about it. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself and making excuses... I want the long-term, life-time change, and I think I'm ready to do the work to get it and get there."

Re-reading this response, I realized something. I've been ignoring one of the tenets of A.A., one of those "catch-phrases" that used to drive me crazy:

"Fake it before you make it."

I've been waiting for it to feel right, and for my thinking to change, and although I've been going to meetings in bursts of regularity, I haven't made a real, concerted, committed and serious effort to DO anything.

I'm not exactly sure what fake it before you make it means, but part of it seems to be, do the work, work the steps, get a sponsor, go to meetings REGULARLY and FREQUENTLY, read the Big Book, etc., etc., and your thinking and feelings will change as a result.

I've been trying to do it backwards, which may be part of the reason I keep failing.

Oh, golly, I feel calmer just having written that.

On to that gratitude list! Today, I'm grateful for:

• My higher power (in my case, God).


• Aha! moments.


• My husband.


• My friends in the meetings here.


• My blogging friends. Y'all are awesome beyond words!!!


• My sweet little (okay, he's 13 lbs) cat, Boots.

God, this morning I am filled with gratitude that you have helped me to see with new eyes, and that you've given me another day to live, and to start really doing the work of this program. Help me to be honest with myself and in my interactions and conversations with others. Help me to be kind and loving and to think before I speak and act.

Fresh Start, Take Number 5

After a week and a half of drinking again (actually, there were only two occasions where I actually went out and purchased alcohol and got drunk, but I think I have to count the vanilla extract, the peppermint extract, and — dare I admit it?? — the eau de cologne — God, please let that be my bottom!), I've come back to the rooms of AA again. I went to a meeting tonight, my first in 2 weeks.

This was the meeting I wrote about several months ago (before going back out yet once more) that I said gave off a weird vibe and made me feel uncomfortable. The ironic thing is that this has become one of my favorite meetings, and some of the people that "put me off" that first night are ones that I now particularly cherish.

Okay, I'll just say it. You were right, dAAve. And you, too, AAwoken, and Scott W., and Scott.

I felt tonight like I was coming home. I felt totally comfortable and at peace, knowing I was where I should be, and with the people I need in my life. I'm really sad to be leaving these friends behind, but SO glad to know I'll make new friends in the rooms in Dania. (And, they really will be friends.)

Tonight, for the first time, I took part in the "service" part of the meeting, too, reading the Promises, and "taking us out" by beginning the Lord's Prayer at the end. I felt honored to be asked to participate in this way, and again, I just felt like I was really part of that particular fellowship, and I LIKED belonging. I'm really surprised to realize that this has become true. And I'm really content and happy and at peace.

At least tonight.

A peaceful, restful goodnight to you all.

Oops, I Did it Again

Despite the flippancy of the above post title, I'm admitting that I did, in fact, drink again.

Because, if I can't be honest here, there is no point in having this blog.

Actually, on Wednesday and Thursday, I experimented a little with vanilla extract (Note: it's yummy and makes you smell nice, but not much good as an intoxicant).

I didn't go to any meetings.

Finally, Friday evening, I went to the liquor store on my way to the grocery store, and bought a fifth of UV Citruv, plus two mini bottles (I think some people call them "nips"), one each of Absolut Raspberri and Absolut Apeach. I drank both the mini bottles, plus about half of the UV Citruv.

Yesterday morning, I woke up not feeling too bad, but as the morning wore on, I began to feel worse and worse. The bad thing is, we had prospective buyers coming to look at the house at 11:30, and while I'd managed to get both bathrooms cleaned before getting too drunk the night before, I still had to dust and vacuum all the other rooms, plus make pumpkin bread and a pumpkin butter/cream cheese spread, both of which I had to mix by hand since we'd already taken my Kitchen Aid down to Florida.

So, in between cooking and cleaning, I was having to stop and throw up about every 15 minutes. I finally stopped doing that around 10:00 AM by sheer will power, because I didn't want to throw up again after I'd brushed my teeth. Fun stuff.

I'm actually grateful for the hangover, because THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS I WANT TO STOP DRINKING!!! Even while it was going on, I was thinking, "Good. I'm glad I feel like crap. This is what it feels like when you keep doing this shit."

My husband had discovered where I'd stashed the rest of the vodka (he's getting much smarter -- I had put it in a Dasani water bottle in the 'fridge, where I've hidden it numerous times before) and had put salted water in instead (he thinks this is very clever, but I just find it irritating and infantile), so the temptation was out of the house. I know that had the vodka still been there, I would have had a drink just to make myself less sick, and then that starts another cycle, so I'm grateful he'd dumped it out.

I didn't go to a meeting last night, but I'm going to one tonight.

The odd thing is that I didn't hesitate at all once I'd made up my mind to buy the liquor, and I didn't feel anything when I was buying it -- not guilt, not shame, and not remorse.

Just flat.

That kinda scares me, because I would have thought with over 2 weeks without a drink, I would have had more of an internal alarm going off.

It just makes me really that much more aware of how I can't start blowing off meetings. If I'd gotten my butt to a meeting Wednesday, I would have gotten over the wanting-to-drink feeling for that day, and then I could have handled Thursday when it came, and so on.

I'm not beating myself up about this. I know some people begin AA and never relapse. I wish that were me, but it's not. I think I'm going to get it, and very soon, but if I beat myself up, I'll be too ashamed to go back to AA, and I need AA desperately right now.

I'm just really thankful that I know that now, because in the past, I quickly got to a point where I didn't want to go to AA, and tried to believe that I didn't need AA. I'm not at that point now, so even though I'm still relapsing, I think a little IS starting to sink in.

I just don't want to have to take that damn white chip again. Not here, anyway. We move to Florida for good on August 18th. I'm going to go to meetings every day I possibly can between now and then, and I'm determined not to drink again during this time, but I think I'll wait and take the white chip again once we get down there.

A Slightly Odd Gratitude List:

• Hangovers, because they remind me of part of the reason I want to quit drinking.


• That my husband found the rest of the vodka and dumped it out.


• That I admitted to my husband that I'd drunk (although he already knew -- it's still important for me to confess it to him).


• It's Sunday, so I can't buy alcohol (even if I wanted to).


• That I haven't gotten back to that place where I dislike AA.


• That I realize I desperately need AA, and want to go to a meeting tonight.


• That while relapsing isn't good, it IS normal, and it doesn't mean I've ultimately failed.


• That I'm realizing that for me, sobriety is a journey, and that while I may be stumbling now, I'm still in the beginning stages, and I WILL get to a point where I walk steadily on, as long I continue to have an open heart and mind, and can embrace the program.


• That the only requirment to join AA is to have a DESIRE to stop drinking.


• That I do have that desire to stop drinking.


• For this place, where I can spill my guts and not be judged. Thanks for the reminder, Jessica, that I'm not writing for an audience. I'm writing because I need a place to be honest and real.

Déjà Vu, All Over Again

I'm in a crappy place emotionally. I'm feeling very sorry for me. I hate this, but I don't know how to make myself shake this depression off and get happy. I try, but it just doesn't seem to take. I know this is temporary. I know it will pass. I just hate it and I hate how it makes me feel and how I treat people I love when I feel like crap.

I am grateful for the comments you fellow alkie bloggers have left. I'm just too pissy to post anything meaningful and upbeat and really heavy on the gratitude side right now.

I haven't been to a meeting since Friday night, and have GOT to get to one tomorrow night. I've been thinking about drinking again, and I know it's the lack of meeting attendance, coupled with being so depressed about moving.

We took the first Penske truck-load down on Sunday (13 hours of driving in my car by myself, but Stephen King's Cell on tape made it bearable). We left my car down there, so now, no car for 2 weeks, which sucks.

What sucks big-time, though, is just how final this is. Moving to an old, dirty, and very small house in a very strange town very far from everyone and everything I know and love.

I know absolutely no one down there, I'm going to nothing familiar, nothing's in place job-wise, or anything else. It's all just unknowns and fear. That's all I can see. I just kept breaking down and weeping yesterday and this morning.

I just can't get past this, and it's making me want to drink. I know drinking won't help, though.

But, it would make my feelings go away for a while, which is why it's so tempting.

One Week

Yesterday was seven days. I've only been to 5 meetings (6, counting last night), but I'm going every day that I can physically get to one.

And so far, I'm not hating them, and I'm seeing the necessity of going, and yes, even enjoying some aspects of them, and some of the people I'm meeting.

The hardest part has been going to new meetings, but after walking in and sitting down, I'm okay, until someone forces me to speak (I HATE this, and BTW, since when has then been a requirement of a newcomer?? If I WANT to speak up, I will, but if you embarrass me or put me on the spot, there's a good chance I won't come back.).

I don't think I could have picked a worse time to try to get sober. I'm so stressed out by the upcoming move, having to pack, facing a 12 hour drive by myself, etc. I've been crying frequently, and I've been arguing a LOT more with my husband. My temper seems very volatile. I guess it was still there before, but I would just numb it with alcohol.

Yesterday morning, I was trying to get him to see my point of view on this whole moving issue, and he was trying to say that he knows what I'm going through, because it's difficult for him to leave here in some ways, too.

I just looked at him incredulously.

"How is it difficult for you? We're doing this because you want to. So you can pursue your dreams, your goals."

"Well, I really like this house, so it's hard for me to want to leave, too."

"It's not the house. Yeah, that's PART of it. But, that's not why I'm upset about moving. You're going TO something that you're excited about. You're starting a new chapter in your life, taking on a new challenge. I'm not going TO anything except the unknown. This scares the hell out of me. I dread this. And, driving the car down there by myself just represents everything I'm feeling and fearing right now. Being alone. Being anxious. Not really knowing where I'm going, or if I can get there without getting lost or breaking down."

Silence.

I wait for a full minute.

Continued silence.

"There are liquor stores down there, too, buddy, so you'd better start talking."

Nothing was really resolved, but I felt like MAYBE he had heard me.

Maybe.

More importantly, though, I was able to identify and express my fears verbally, and not just deny and hide them. I didn't try to escape them, and calm myself with alcohol.

Not yesterday.

And with God's and the group's help, not today.

Altar Calls and Gratitude

I went to the meeting last night.

It was really hard. I was so apprehensive, and even though I know "no one is judging" me because they've either done it themselves or seen it countless times, there is still that element of shame in having to admit the slip and take the white chip one more time.

I sat through most of the meeting just trying to hold back tears. I think part of it was relief and gratitude that I actually had somewhere to go back to. A lot of it was fear, though, because I waited until the end when they were handing out chips, and didn't say anything at all until then.

I wasn't even going to speak up then. Just make a "secret surrender," but then when the guy doing the chip ritual asked if there was someone who wanted to take a white chip, "maybe someone coming back in after a slip," something or Someone made me jump up and say "I do!"

I think there is something powerful in that act of public surrender, something like going forward when an altar call is given (I'm a southern girl living in the Bible belt, after all). Last time I made it back to a meeting, I DIDN'T speak up, and I slipped again almost immediately.

This isn't really what I'd intended to write.

I was going to write about feeling grateful.

Usually, I have to really look for reasons for that, but I DO feel grateful this morning.

Grateful that I didn't wake up so hung over that all I could do was throw up and crawl back to bed (over and over). Grateful that even though I woke up with a little bit of a headache, I know it's either just from sinuses, or the last of the alcohol being purged from my system (I haven't had a drink since around 2:00 AM Wednesday morning, but I guess it takes a while when you have so much in your body). Grateful I could wake up and not feel ashamed and remorseful about the night before. Grateful that even though I'm still having difficulty getting to sleep and staying asleep once I'm there, that when I wake up in the wee hours of the morning, my first thoughts are, "God, please just help me to get through this and not drink," rather than "I've got to have just a little drink to get back to sleep." Grateful that when I opened the 'fridge this morning and saw how dirty it is, I realized I have the energy to tackle that task today.

And grateful that there is a meeting to go to tonight, even though it's not my favorite thing to do, and may not ever be.

Because this is what I do know that I have to do to stay sober today.

Believe

Please do not believe me when I tell you I've dumped out all the alcohol. I'm lying. You need to look for it.

Do not trust me. Are my lips moving? If so, I'm probably lying.

I hate, Hate, HATE myself and this truth about me, but you need to realize that this IS my truth. I don't know how to be honest when I can lie. Lying is actually easier than telling the truth for me.

I have to face you again in the morning. Knowing I've screwed up again, knowing I've hurt you once more.

I don't want to do this. In some ways, it would be so much better, and so much easier if I could just go ahead and die. Then, I wouldn't keep hurting you, and hurting myself. Then, it would all just be over.

But, I worry so much about God, and if I would have eternal life, or at least life in heaven, if I killed myself. Could and would God forgive me? Could I ever forgive myself?

I know you hate me right now, and that's o.k. I hate myself, so your hatred is almost irrelevant. . . not that it's not important.

How you feel toward me IS important, but I've screwed up so much so many times that I just don't even know what feelings are from you, and which are from me any more, and I just hate myself so much that I can't really believe you hate me any more than I do.

Please, PLEASE know that I hate, Hate, HATE being so sick. I HATE hurting you. But, I will most likely continue to do so until I get well.

Don't let me escape.

Don't let me get by.

Challenge me.

Test me.

Force me to be honest.

I love you. Please love me.

Honesty

Just left my husband this note, outside the bathroom door, so he'll see it when he comes out from taking his shower (can we GET more cowardly than this?):

I haven’t really been asleep since you came in the first time to wake me.

I just couldn’t stand the thought of facing you.

I hate what I am, and I hate what I’m doing, and I hate what it’s doing to you. I want to stop. I REALLY, REALLY do. I have to, but I want to, as well.

As much as I dislike certain aspects of AA, and as much as I dread having to attend meetings the rest of my life, I hate being a drunk even more. For some reason, I can’t get and stay sober on my own, so I will go back to AA, even though I’m so ashamed of myself, and dread having to go back in and admit that I’ve failed once again.

There is not a meeting close by until Thursday night. There is one on ** Road in ** tonight, but right now, I still can feel that I have alcohol in my system, so I wouldn’t want to drive, at least until it dissipates (I know how ironic that sounds, but when I’m sober, or at least mostly so, I do still have good judgment).

I don’t know why I’ve chosen this way to medicate myself, or this way to live. I don’t like it. I hate myself. I hate hurting you. Please try to believe this, and believe that I want to get better.

Update: He's read it, and I cried and told him how sorry I am, and that I know that doesn't mean anything. I told him not to trust me. I gave him my car keys and my ATM and credit cards, told him if I had money, or a way to get it, and car keys, I couldn't trust myself to not buy alcohol.

But you know what stinks? When he asked me if I still had alcohol anywhere in the house, I flat-out lied and said I'd dumped it all out.

The real reason I can't go to the meeting tonight?

I'll still be drunk.

Hell to Pay

Well, it turns out he was just looking the other way. I got a little sloppy and careless about the amount I was drinking, thinking I was getting away with it so easily and all, and I slipped up on Thursday. He must have come in and found me passed out on the couch or something (I honestly don't remember anything that occurred in a 2 hour time span). I woke up and started looking for the bottle of wine I'd been drinking, and realized he must have found it and hidden it. Finally found the bottle today -- empty, of course -- which confirms this scenario.

I waited for him to go out on his nightly walk and then high-tailed it to the liquor store and bought a bottle of vodka and proceeded to get blotto. So, we had the confrontation yesterday morning (well, morning for me, anyway). He asked me if I'm aware of how distressing my drinking is to him. I asked him if he's aware that the stress he's causing me makes me want to drink. He was incredulous that I blamed him for any stress I'm experiencing. Later, I apologized for blaming him, but inside, I still do blame him and I resent his selfishness. He just seems tired of it all, and wants me to go back to AA. I'm tired of it all, too. Including, maybe the marriage.

A few minutes ago, he said, "Baby, please don't be so sad." I just got mad and told him not to tell me how to feel. I can't get past the hopelessness and the anxiety and the profound sadness I'm feeling. This is my reality. All the time, usually. This is what I drink to escape from. There is nothing in my life that gives me any joy any more and I don't know how to find it again.

Screwed

My life is so f***ed up again. I've been drinking again since 4 nights after I wrote that last (self-congratulatory?) post. I think I've been "getting away with it," in that my husband seems not to have noticed, or if he has, is choosing to look the other way. Generally, he gets really angry if he suspects I've been drinking, and won't sleep in the same bed with me, and that hasn't happened. I've tried to be careful not to get obviously drunk, but I've had horrible hangovers at least 2 mornings, because I've done a lot of the drinking after he goes to bed.

I don't even know why I started again. I'm under A LOT of stress due to the fact we're moving to another state so my husband, the full-time graduate student, can begin a 4-year PhD program, and I've got to look for a "real job" once we get there (my last actual job interview resulted in a 2-day confined-to-bed migraine), since we have no source of income other than investments that are starting to shrink. We have to sell our beautiful house so we can move to a MUCH older--as in 45 years--, much smaller, and much more expensive rental house, pack up and move everything we own in 4 weeks. Just normal stuff.

Normal stuff that happens to normal people who don't have to filter it through an alcohol-generated haze.

I just know AA is not the way for me to do sobriety long-term. I dread the thought of a lifetime of attending AA meetings, and having my social community be fellow AAers. I despise the "lingo," the "buzzwords," etc. (what the hell does "fake it 'til you make it" mean, anyway??) so I've got to figure out how to do this on my own, if I'm not going to go back to AA.

Sidenote for All AA People: PLEASE don't think I'm bashing AA. I think it's a wonderful program if that's what works for you, and if that's what you want for your life. I KNOW that what I'm doing now doesn't work, but I have to find what does work for me. I have tremendous respect and regard for all of you who've managed to get and stay sober through AA, and I will continue to give and seek support here in this community online.

Voices

I start the car and begin to back out of the garage.

"You don't have to do this, you know."

The voice.

The same one that had said precisely the same thing a couple of weeks ago when I was stopped at the red light at the last intersection before the liquor store.

I'd ignored it then.

I ignore it now.

I put the car in gear, and drive out of the neighborhood, taking the route that leads to the "nice" liquor store. The one in the shopping center with the Kroger and the Blockbuster and the cute little Italian restaurant.

I park the car in a spot midway between the Kroger and the "package" store, and walk diagonally across the asphalt to the sidewalk, keeping my sunglasses on, hoping I won't run into anyone who knows I'm supposed to not be drinking.

My stomach knots up, and I stop momentarily when I spot a car that could belong to some friends from the neighborhood, who like to eat at the Italian restaurant, which I have to walk in front of.

Screw them. I've already come this far.

I enter the store, and head straight to the vodka. I pretend to look over the selection, but then pick up a bottle of UV Citruv. It sparkles under the fluorescent lights.

"You still don't have to do this."

Whoa. Where did that come from?

"You can put the bottle down, and just leave."

I put the bottle back on the shelf.

I begin to reach for it again, but my hand falters, as I am hit by a wave of dread. Ominous images flash before me, too fast to comprehend individually.

I let my hand fall, and turn toward the door and walk out.

As the door whooshes shut behind me, I feel strangely light. I'm relieved, euphoric, almost giddy.

As I begin to drive away, it hits me. I recognize the voice.

The voice is mine.

That Old Familiar Feeling

It's starting again.

That "maybe something is not quite right with AA" feeling.

The sense of dread when I think about having to go to meetings for the rest of my life.

The whisper at the edge of my mind that I need to figure out why I drink, and what triggers an "episode," which then launches the relapse, if I really, truly want to be sober.

Sure, I can go to a meeting and not drink.

I can do this one day at a time.

I don't want my life to be like this, though.

I want to get to the point where alcohol is no longer an issue.

I haven't smoked pot in over 20 years. I've NEVER had a relapse with marijuana. And I was addicted to it even worse than I was alcohol. I just never went back once I made the decision to quit. I knew I was ruining my life and my health through my continued addiction, so I quit. It wasn't easy at first. I still have the occasional dream where I'm smoking, and it feels good, but when I wake up, I'm so relieved that it's only a dream.

If I could do it with pot, can't I do it with alcohol? Just make the decision, and turn my back on it. Struggle the first year or so, but then, gradually, I'll begin to think less and less about it, and eventually, it will no longer be part of my conscious thought . . . I wonder.

I just hate feeling like I'm becoming part of "the cult of AA."

Welcome to the Neighborhood

Something kinda cool is happening: I'm finding other people in my very small neighborhood (about 100 houses) that are in "The Program." I knew about one already, because she's the lady I've asked to be my sponsor (which she's agreed to do, BTW).

Yesterday, my sponsor called me and asked me if I'd be okay with her giving my name to another girl in the neighborhood, who I've met, but don't know very well. I told her it was fine, and I assumed she was "brand new" (i.e., has been sober even less time than I have).

I went ahead and called her (which, if you knew me, you'd know that was very hard for me to do) a few minutes ago to see if she wanted to go to a meeting with me tonight (she does), and we talked for about 10 minutes. Turns out, she's been sober about 3 months, but it was SO easy to talk to her. We really connected.

Maybe this sounds crazy, but I'm so excited to be finding fellow alkies within my own neighborhood. It just underscores so much that we are definitely not alone in this fight!

Gotta go and get ready for the meeting. Later.

Motivations

I keep reading comments on other blogs of people who are still struggling with the whole surrender thing (as I am, still), which urge the blogger to "Do it for you, not someone else." I understand what's at the heart of this advice, basically that you have to want to get better for you, your life and your sanity (and your relationships will naturally improve as a result), and I know this is true, but something someone said at the meeting I attended Monday night really struck me.

The woman at the meeting said, that when she had just begun her recovery process, her sponsor asked her how in the world she could do this for herself, when she hated herself more than anyone else. Her sponsor encouraged her to do it for WHATEVER reason worked.

I was sitting there, still hungover from my "last hurrah" binge, and outright despising myself. Tears just rolled down my face at her words, because they resonated so deeply with where I was in that moment.

Sometimes, I think we do have to do it for someone else, or some reason other than ourselves. Ultimately, it becomes for ourselves that we do what it takes, but if I need to get to a meeting, and I don't feel like it, and don't want to do it for me in that moment, I hope I can do it because I don't want to hurt my husband again, or embarrass my friends in public again, or avoid seeing my mother on Mother's Day and hurting her feelings again.

I'm not saying I want the opinions and affections of others to be my motivation, at least not most of the time, but I think it is part of the reason, and it has to be, because when we get in a place where we're craving alcohol, or craving release from pain or stress, the old voice kicks in so quickly and so powerfully that I'm not even aware of it until I've already started planning to fail again, and then it's too late, because I don't care about me; I just care about getting drunk.

Tuesday Thankfulness

Today, I'm thankful for:

1. The lady who I've asked to consider becoming my sponsor asked me to call her and wants me to go with her to a meeting tonight. She has 20+ years of sobriety, and is a truly beautiful person, inside and out. I am SO psyched!!


2. There's a meeting to go to tonight.


3. The meeting last night.


4. That there's enough to do before the meeting, that I won't get bored or depressed. AND that there's no alcohol in the house, even if I did get bored or depressed!


5. My husband's support in this.


6. The support here among sobriety/recovery bloggers. You ALL rock!!!


7. The AA Big Book. Wow!


8. New beginnings.


9. First steps.


10. HP.

New Sobriety Date

My new sobriety date is today, May 15, 2006. Here's hoping it's also my last one (meaning I'll stick with it this time).

Well, I screwed up my courage and did the walk of shame tonight. Everyone was great. Most of the people there admitted to having relapsed before. So many of our stories are similar.

I'm SO grateful for AA. I just wish I didn't have this empty, sick feeling. I think it's because I was supposed to have stopped drinking last week, but my husband went out of town from last Wednesday until tonight, and of course, the first thing I did was to go out and buy more booze. I basically stayed drunk from Wednesday afternoon until last night. Totally missed Mother's Day, and haven't been able to get up my nerve to call my Mom and apologize.

Last night, I had drunk so much, I vomited until I got the dry heaves. This morning I was so weak and shaky, and my skin hurt, if that makes sense, plus it looked burnt. No telling how many brain cells I've killed.

The part that makes me so ashamed, though, is how I lied and deceived my husband again, and so far, I haven't gotten up the courage to tell him. I also feel like a really rotten daughter, and my Mom shouldn't have to suffer just because I'm ashamed.

This is the sickest disease, because it hurts so many people. I just want to get well and to stop screwing up my life, and the lives of the people I love.

Grateful

Right now I'm grateful for:

1. Other recovery blogs and bloggers who understand and encourage me and others like me.


2. My husband's willingness to give me one more chance. Again.


3. My sweet, patient, loving husband.


4. That I can go back to AA, even though it will be hard to go into that first meeting where I have to admit screwing up to everyone, as well as to myself.


5. AA.


6. God, and his love and forgiveness.

Eating Humble Pie (It's Better than Drinking, Right?)

I appreciate so much the comments some of you have made, and the fact that you haven't preached at me, but have pointed out what I've known in my heart, but have been trying to ignore on an emotional and intellectual level.

I can't do this on my own. I don't even have the desire or the will to do it, especially by myself. I have to get back into AA, even though I still have reservations about some of the clichés and rhetoric and rituals that go along with it. I'm also put off by a few of the people I've met there (it's such a diverse group that there are just some people that rub me the wrong way, and I know I probably rub a few the wrong way, too).

But you know what the real truth is? I can't stand the thought of having to face the reality that I can never drink again if I truly want to beat the hold that alcohol has on me, and the way I'm letting it control me and ruin my life.

Because deep down—and I know I'm not alone in this—I want to be a person who can drink “normally,” even though I KNOW this isn't possible EVER. I still want it, though. How do I make this transformation from what I know intellectually, to what I believe, and embrace, and desire??

But maybe, that's not what is important right now.