It's starting again.
That "maybe something is not quite right with AA" feeling.
The sense of dread when I think about having to go to meetings for the rest of my life.
The whisper at the edge of my mind that I need to figure out why I drink, and what triggers an "episode," which then launches the relapse, if I really, truly want to be sober.
Sure, I can go to a meeting and not drink.
I can do this one day at a time.
I don't want my life to be like this, though.
I want to get to the point where alcohol is no longer an issue.
I haven't smoked pot in over 20 years. I've NEVER had a relapse with marijuana. And I was addicted to it even worse than I was alcohol. I just never went back once I made the decision to quit. I knew I was ruining my life and my health through my continued addiction, so I quit. It wasn't easy at first. I still have the occasional dream where I'm smoking, and it feels good, but when I wake up, I'm so relieved that it's only a dream.
If I could do it with pot, can't I do it with alcohol? Just make the decision, and turn my back on it. Struggle the first year or so, but then, gradually, I'll begin to think less and less about it, and eventually, it will no longer be part of my conscious thought . . . I wonder.
I just hate feeling like I'm becoming part of "the cult of AA."
11 comments:
i felt that way too, in the beginning. And now I feel, what? I don't go to nearly as many meetings as I used to but when I do go it's almost like coming home after a long vacation. It's nice to see old friends, notice new faces and wonder about the one's who are missing...course I've been missing for a while now, though not drinking. I don't think about drinking near as much as I used to. Don't give up on AA. Maybe you just need a change of scenery.
A "cult" requires total submission to following a set of rigid rules.
AA gives me the freedom to do as I want. The program offers "suggestions" on how to change my life and live my life to make it better. The more I follow those suggestions, the better my life gets. It's a choice today. Drinking, for me, is a thing of the past. Recovery involves life after drinking.
I know it's not a "cult" in the true sense of the word. I meant more the brainwashing factor. That you can't stay sober without going to meetings the rest of your life, or outside of the program. That your new social group should be all recovering alcoholics (a message I'm getting from people in several of the meetings I'm attending).
As you said, dAAVe, "Recovery involves life after drinking." It isn't my life; it's PART of my life. It's part of who I am, but it DOES NOT define me.
I treat meetings the way I treat drink: a day at a time. I don't think about doing meetings for the rest of my life the same way I don't think about never being able to drink again.
Don't know if that makes any sense?
Nice blog. Like layout and stuff. Infact, I have blog -envy!
regards
Kenny Mac
Hannen: You're right about the change of scenery. I just went to a meeting that kinda weireded me out on Friday. Everyone was nice, but it was definitely a little different group from what I'm used to, and it just gave me the creeps a little (not the people - more the group dynamic, if that makes sense).
Kenny Mac: Thanks for the compliments on my design and layout. I know what you're saying is true. I just got in a bad head place, and actually I have been trying to approach it the way you suggested the last couple of days. When I get down or blue, I tend to want to isolate myself from other people, and that's also part of what's been going on (which is the last thing I need to be doing right now, besides drinking).
In all honesty, some of us needs our brains to be washed. What I have come to beleive is that alcohol is really not my problem. Bulimia nor self injury is not my problem. These are only symptoms of the problem -- I have a disease of perception. I too can allow my mind to talk myself of being a member of AA (and all the fellwoships) but then I will miserable. I will be living but not ALIVE.
I use to think I was more intellectually clever than the fellowship. The committee in my mind would discourage me from being a part of it. A relapse starts waaaaay before one takes that first drink.
My sickness starts in the way I think. Anyone can be sober, but how fun is it to have your mind always obsess about how to always be one foot ahead of the drink. It is like watching your back every second. How can sobreity be fun then? Or even successful? I am grateful that I don't allow my mind to try to think my way out of my truth, that I am an alcoholic and the solution is spiritual.
I had to discover this for my own as everyone here has thus far. Whatever your path, I pray that you stay and discover freedom from the bondage of self.
wow, I can sure see why you might be thinking AA is a cult. I was afraid of that also when I came around. I didn't want to be brainwashed. However, it turns out that my brain needed a serious scrubbing! I went to a bunch of meetings and after awhile, not only did I decide that it was ok to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I finally realized that I am an alcoholic, powerless over alcohol. I cannot (nor did I ever wish to) control my drinking. You seem to be posessed of the only requirement for membership: a desire to stop drinking. AA makes only that one requirement, and that doesn't even mean that you have to be dry/sober to be a member or come to meetings. AA only asks that you have a DESIRE to stop. Otherwise, without the desire to stop, you (if you're an alcoholic) will not only be unwilling to stop, you'll probably be unable to stay stopped a day at a time.
Keep coming back, hang in there. If you're an alcoholic (and only you can know this fact about yourself), you'll find a place in AA if you're wanting to stop. Don't let a wierd vibe from some people, or something said in one meeting keep you from the recovery you deserve as one of God's children. Oh, and don't let the "G" word scare ya off either. AA makes no requirements about whom or what you believe in, only that you try to find a power greater than yourself to help you stay sober a day at a time.
peace to you, thanks for the really great post!
My recommendation is to try some controlled drinking.
If you see A.A. as a cult, you’re not seeing it for what it truly is. When you get to a point that you’ve sincerely decided that alcohol is no longer needed in your life in order for you to live a happy life, you’ll see that A.A. is a fun place to visit.
However, if you feel that you are visiting a cult meeting, either go to a different meeting, discuss this openly at a meeting (not your home group), or change your attitude.
I feel I’ve been let down by the A.A. community. I feel this right now, a day after receiving my six-month medallion. But the A.A. community is made of people with real problems who are not perfect. When I look at it in detail, I can see that it’s just certain people that let me down. When I step back, it’s not the A.A. community that let me down, just a few bad apples; the group never really let me down.
But if you don’t get this, the twelve steps, read step one carefully:
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.”
We admitted. Not I, but we; meaning that you’re not alone.
...powerless over alcohol.... Well, are you? If not, start drinking.
...our lives had become unmanageable. Okay, what’s unmanageable? There are many ways to define unmanageability, but the one that fits is the one that speaks from the most honest and honorable part of your soul, deep inside your inner child. Never worry in the getting of honor; it grows within you and speaks to you. You need only listen.
Or, start drinking again. I recommend Jack Daniels; worked for me.
--
Without Wax,
SincerelySober.blogspot.com
An honest, live, interactive self-portrayal of one man's quest of recovery
Jane,
A have a copy of Rational Recovery that I purchased a decade ago, when I was a confirmed atheist. I remember reading that the cure is abstinence. This scared the crap out of me, because I really didn't want to stop drinking, I wanted to control my drinking. I never really got too far into the book at that time in my life.
I've always wanted to revisit Rational Recovery as an alternative to a Twelve Step program. The lack of meeting availability does concern me though.
--
Without Wax,
SincerelySober.blogspot.com
An honest, live, interactive self-portrayal of one man's quest of recovery
Wax: What do you mean when you say "controlled drinking?" And how do you define sobriety if "controlled drinking" is part of the picture? I feel like I'm not quite getting your full meaning here.
Jane: I know you can relate! I feel like you probably understand this conflict more than anyone else. I'll look for the book. Thanks for the suggestion!
Scott, SC, et al: I DON'T see AA as a cult (that part was in quotes, remember?). In the perception of some people (probably mostly those who have never been to AA), it is sometimes seen as being "cult-like" in its singlemindedness, ritualism, etc.
I'll do a clarifying-my-position post on this later. All I was saying in that paragraph is that some of the things that really bother me about AA make me leery of putting all my eggs in their basket. I DON'T want AA to be a substitute for my current friends (none of whom are big drinkers - I liked to drink alone), or to be my main social outlet. To me, that's just lame. But, that IS just me. If that works for anyone and everyone else, that's fine. I don't think I'm intellectually superior, or better in any way, than anyone else in AA. It's just that I'm not ready to embrace AA as the ONE and ONLY way to do sobriety.
And, no, I'm not drinking. It's been 23 days now. Yay me.
Where u at????
I hope that you are doing well.
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