Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I awoke at 9:30 AM this morning, ready to get up and greet the day. It was an especially beautiful morning, too. Full of birdsong, cool dry breezes, and huge yellow butterflies dancing among the trees and grass, putting on a private spectacle purely for my wonder and enjoyment.
I texted loving messages of encouragement to a few recovery friends, and emailed my therapist. Discovering a box of unopened Krusteaz in the pantry, and real maple syrup in the 'fridge, I made Belgian Waffles for breakfast, truly a rare and decadent treat.
My joy and contentment welled up within me and overflowed. I had a song in my heart which could not be contained, and must burst forth from my lips.
The day lay before me, full of the expectation of undiscovered joy, brimming with the promise that whatever came my way would be a gift, an opportunity to grow, to explore and revel.
Truly, a day in which I was happy merely to be alive and active in the world, with God leading the way before me.
With a few simple words, the hope and joy in my spirit, the promise of the day were crushed.
The words were innocent, merely a question, in the form of a statement: "You haven't taken back the things to Ann Taylor that were charged on Discover yet, have you?"
Just a statement. A simple status update request.
But a statement which felt like an accusation.
Why did he have to ruin my day?
Wait. Did he?
Why did I suddenly feel accused, hurt, angry and resentful?
I realized the Accuser was, is myself.
Because I feel guilty and responsible for our current financial distress, and I know in my heart that my actions -- my trying to fill a need that only God can fill by my constant acquisition of material things -- have resulted in creating this wall, this barrier to the contentment, the emotional intimacy, the honesty, and the bliss that my soul yearns for in my relationship with my husband.
I cannot fix this in an instant.
I have let my procrastination -- my dread of facing the seemingly monumental task of going through the receipts and and matching them up by item numbers to the specific articles I need to return, my reluctance of letting go of these things that somehow magically are supposed to make me whole and complete -- create this wall, brick by brick, building it higher, thicker and increasingly more impenetrable.
I have done this. I am at fault. I am responsible for the discord, the disappointment, the lack of affection and harmony which now characterizes our relationship.
So, I will do The Next Right Thing.
I will finish cleaning up the kitchen. I will shower, put on makeup, fix my hair and dress. I will go through those damn receipts and match them up, item by item. I will take back everything I have not yet worn, with very few exceptions.
And, in doing so, I will experience relief, release and peace.
The relief and release will be temporary. This action will be but a drop in the bucket toward relieving or at least lessening the deluge of our financial worries.
But, it will be a step in the right direction. And a journey begins with a single step. And in taking action and moving forward comes lasting Peace.
Meanwhile, the birds are still singing, the breezes still wafting, the huge Yellow Sulfurs still dancing, flitting, and playing among the trees and grass.
The day stretches before me, once again full of promise, hope and joy.
And I now have a plan to move forward into it intentionally and purposefully, with my God going before me and showing me the way.
I have only to follow.
photo credit: stock.xchng/edward whb
Posted by Pam Jarnagin at 11:41 AM
Monday, April 12, 2010
I went to Celebrate Recovery tonight, and had not even thought about being able to pick up my 3 year medallion. What a nice surprise! There's something about being given that little piece of brass that makes it more tangible, more real. I really have done this, remained sober, and mostly grown and matured for 3 whole years now. It's okay to still have doubts and fears, but to recognize them and face and walk through them is the key to longtime survival and continued growth. I am at a scary, tenuous place right now, getting ready to quit my job at the end of this week without having anything else lined up or even sketched out, but I am at peace because I know I made this decision in accordance with my Higher Power's will and direction. I am also at a very exciting, challenging place. I am stepping into the unknown, but I know Someone is there to catch me should I fall, Someone who is walking beside me, and lighting the way before me. I am not alone.
Posted by Pam Jarnagin at 11:00 PM
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Tomorrow I'll be 3. Yep, folks, hard to believe I know. Tomorrow it will be 3 full years of one day at a time without a drink. Actually, I get confused about the whole birthday / anniversary thing. Is it supposed to be the anniversary of the day you had your last drink, or the anniversary of the day you had no alcohol continuously, beginning with that day? I'll feel pretty stupid if I've told everyone and thought this whole time that the day was the 11th and it's actually the 10th. I'd be ever so grateful if someone can please clear up this little mystery for me!
Anyway, I'm at work now and really can't get away with much time posting on my blog, although I frankly don't give too much of a hoot, as I put in my notice in 2 weeks ago, and am just staying on a couple of days a week due to some unexpected family emergencies in my employer's family. Definitely have some short-timer's attitude going on there! I don't know what I'm going to do yet, have not even started looking for another job. I just know that staying at this job was beginning to seriously threaten my sobriety, and I need to leave and trust that my Higher Power is guiding me and will lead me in the direction I need to go.
More later, hopefully!
Posted by Pam Jarnagin at 10:39 AM