Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Life as Boots Sees It

Whether I'm in Georgia...

...Or South Florida...

...As long as I've got my "In" basket,
I'm one contented kitty.

Of course, if I'm REALLY stressed,
an afternoon nap is just the ticket.

I think my Mom could learn a LOT from me!
(Obviously, my Daddy already has.)

Monday, August 28, 2006

Therapy by Cinema

Hey. Sorry about the last post. I was really, really, down though, and appreciate the support and encouragement given by you awesome fellow bloggers in the comments.

I don't know why this move is so much harder than previous ones have been, but the reality is that it is, and I have to recognize that, and be a little easier on myself.

So, yesterday afternoon, I stopped unpacking for awhile and watched Enchanted April, which always lifts me out of a blue funk, and more importantly, shifts my awareness to outside of myself, and reminds me that if we give love only as we receive it, we will indeed find ourselves miserable. It's only when we decide to love generously, and not in proportion to what we receive, that we can truly be happy. Or something like that.

Breakfast at Tiffany's and Sense and Sensibility also have mood-lifting, focus-shifting impact. Therapy by cinema.

"This place makes me feel flooded with love. The important thing is to have lots of love about. I was very stingy with it back home. I used to measure and count it out. I had this obsession with justice, you see. I wouldn't love Mellersh unless he loved me back exactly as much. But, he didn't and neither did I. The emptiness of it all." (Lotty Wilkins in Enchanted April)

Sunday, August 27, 2006


I'm so depressed, overwhelmed, and hopeless that I have no energy to post anything. I can't face this day after day.

I went to a meeting yesterday morning and it totally sucked. I felt utterly alone. Only one person spoke to me afterward.

I don't want to drink. I just want to die.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Just Checkin' In

This has to be short, because we're going out to dinner in a few minutes (one of the few nice things about not having my kitchen set up yet!). I'll post more tomorrow, or maybe even later tonight (including pics of Boots in his new home), but just wanted to let y'all know we made it here safe and sound, and for now, still sober (and my mother-in-law came with us and is still here, so some Herculean effort is involved here).

Oh, and some REALLY good news: Pope Joe is back!!! Stop over and say "hi" and let him know he's loved.

More to come later...

I'm too freakin' tired to add anything tonight. And tomorrow is another day.

Thursday, August 17, 2006


It seems that I just keep having those little Aha! moments. Not huge ones. Maybe not true epiphanies. Just small realizations that make a huge difference in my perceptions.

The Big Move to Southern Florida occurs this weekend. Yesterday, as we were packing things in the kitchen, my husband began wrapping the wineglasses and putting them in one of those boxes with the separate spaces for each stem.

"Honey," I asked, "Is there any reason for us to keep those?"

He looked down at the one he was holding.

"What do you mean?"

"Well... if we're never going to drink wine again, do we want to keep them?"

In the end, we compromised and kept a few, but I realized I would have been perfectly okay with getting rid of ALL of them (happier, in fact, than I am keeping a few).

In the past, I wouldn't have said anything... just, hurried and packed them myself before he had a chance to think through things, because in the back of my mind, I would have been thinking, "Someday, I might be able to drink just a glass of wine now and then."

For the first time, I thought about the possibility of not drinking for the rest of my life, and it actually seemed reasonable, and I didn't have that little niggle at the back of my mind saying, "You're not really a true alcoholic. One day, you'll conquer this problem and be able to drink normally."

Maybe Chapter 3 of the Big Book is finally starting to sink in, or maybe I'm starting to accept the truth about what being an alcoholic is and means.

Who knows. All I know is, the thought of not drinking for the rest of my life didn't freak me out or make me depressed for the first time EVER. I know that could change, and probably will from time to time, but for now, it's very cool.

Temporary Hiatus

This may be the last time I'm online until sometime next week (because of the Big Move), so please keep me in your prayers.

Oh, and if anyone knows of some good meetings in Dania Beach, FL, PLEASE leave a comment, or send me an email (you can get the address from my Blogger profile).

See y'all soon in the Sunshine State!

Monday, August 14, 2006

Feelings . . . Nothing More Than Feelings

Last night, I went to sleep feeling at peace, filled with determination to march head-on into the long journey of recovery, and planning to write a gratitude-filled post this morning.

Morning has come, and I feel shaky and scared.

All the doubts and what-ifs are rearing their ugly heads, whispering in their raspy, accusing voices.

"You've tried this how many times now?? — and you still haven't gotten it right."

"You're a loser."

"You can't do this."

"You're one of the unfortunates, one of the hopeless cases."

"You suck."

In one of the comments to the post prior to this one, Scott W. asked, "So, do you think this new sobriety date is a good one?"

My reply, in part, was:

"I think so. I'm seeing progress in my attitude and thinking, if not my actions so far. I don't think I've been as serious about doing this as I need to be, and I want to be serious about it. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself and making excuses... I want the long-term, life-time change, and I think I'm ready to do the work to get it and get there."

Re-reading this response, I realized something. I've been ignoring one of the tenets of A.A., one of those "catch-phrases" that used to drive me crazy:

"Fake it before you make it."

I've been waiting for it to feel right, and for my thinking to change, and although I've been going to meetings in bursts of regularity, I haven't made a real, concerted, committed and serious effort to DO anything.

I'm not exactly sure what fake it before you make it means, but part of it seems to be, do the work, work the steps, get a sponsor, go to meetings REGULARLY and FREQUENTLY, read the Big Book, etc., etc., and your thinking and feelings will change as a result.

I've been trying to do it backwards, which may be part of the reason I keep failing.

Oh, golly, I feel calmer just having written that.

On to that gratitude list! Today, I'm grateful for:
  • My higher power (in my case, God).

  • Aha! moments.

  • My husband.

  • My friends in the meetings here.

  • My blogging friends. Y'all are awesome beyond words!!!

  • My sweet little (okay, he's 13 lbs) cat, Boots.

God, this morning I am filled with gratitude that you have helped me to see with new eyes, and that you've given me another day to live, and to start really doing the work of this program. Help me to be honest with myself and in my interactions and conversations with others. Help me to be kind and loving and to think before I speak and act.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Fresh Start, Take Number 5

After a week and a half of drinking again (actually, there were only two occasions where I actually went out and purchased alcohol and got drunk, but I think I have to count the vanilla extract, the peppermint extract, and — dare I admit it?? — the eau de cologne — God, please let that be my bottom!), I've come back to the rooms of AA again. I went to a meeting tonight, my first in 2 weeks.

This was the meeting I wrote about several months ago (before going back out yet once more) that I said gave off a weird vibe and made me feel uncomfortable. The ironic thing is that this has become one of my favorite meetings, and some of the people that "put me off" that first night are ones that I now particularly cherish.

Okay, I'll just say it. You were right, dAAve. And you, too, AAwoken, and Scott W., and Scott.

I felt tonight like I was coming home. I felt totally comfortable and at peace, knowing I was where I should be, and with the people I need in my life. I'm really sad to be leaving these friends behind, but SO glad to know I'll make new friends in the rooms in Dania. (And, they really will be friends.)

Tonight, for the first time, I took part in the "service" part of the meeting, too, reading the Promises, and "taking us out" by beginning the Lord's Prayer at the end. I felt honored to be asked to participate in this way, and again, I just felt like I was really part of that particular fellowship, and I LIKED belonging. I'm really surprised to realize that this has become true. And I'm really content and happy and at peace.

At least tonight.

A peaceful, restful goodnight to you all.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Oops, I Did it Again

Despite the flippancy of the above post title, I'm admitting that I did, in fact, drink again.

Because, if I can't be honest here, there is no point in having this blog.

Actually, on Wednesday and Thursday, I experimented a little with vanilla extract (Note: it's yummy and makes you smell nice, but not much good as an intoxicant).

I didn't go to any meetings.

Finally, Friday evening, I went to the liquor store on my way to the grocery store, and bought a fifth of UV Citruv, plus two mini bottles (I think some people call them "nips"), one each of Absolut Raspberri and Absolut Apeach. I drank both the mini bottles, plus about half of the UV Citruv.

Yesterday morning, I woke up not feeling too bad, but as the morning wore on, I began to feel worse and worse. The bad thing is, we had prospective buyers coming to look at the house at 11:30, and while I'd managed to get both bathrooms cleaned before getting too drunk the night before, I still had to dust and vacuum all the other rooms, plus make pumpkin bread and a pumpkin butter/cream cheese spread, both of which I had to mix by hand since we'd already taken my Kitchen Aid down to Florida.

So, in between cooking and cleaning, I was having to stop and throw up about every 15 minutes. I finally stopped doing that around 10:00 AM by sheer will power, because I didn't want to throw up again after I'd brushed my teeth. Fun stuff.

I'm actually grateful for the hangover, because THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS I WANT TO STOP DRINKING!!! Even while it was going on, I was thinking, "Good. I'm glad I feel like crap. This is what it feels like when you keep doing this shit."

My husband had discovered where I'd stashed the rest of the vodka (he's getting much smarter -- I had put it in a Dasani water bottle in the 'fridge, where I've hidden it numerous times before) and had put salted water in instead (he thinks this is very clever, but I just find it irritating and infantile), so the temptation was out of the house. I know that had the vodka still been there, I would have had a drink just to make myself less sick, and then that starts another cycle, so I'm grateful he'd dumped it out.

I didn't go to a meeting last night, but I'm going to one tonight.

The odd thing is that I didn't hesitate at all once I'd made up my mind to buy the liquor, and I didn't feel anything when I was buying it -- not guilt, not shame, and not remorse.

Just flat.

That kinda scares me, because I would have thought with over 2 weeks without a drink, I would have had more of an internal alarm going off.

It just makes me really that much more aware of how I can't start blowing off meetings. If I'd gotten my butt to a meeting Wednesday, I would have gotten over the wanting-to-drink feeling for that day, and then I could have handled Thursday when it came, and so on.

I'm not beating myself up about this. I know some people begin AA and never relapse. I wish that were me, but it's not. I think I'm going to get it, and very soon, but if I beat myself up, I'll be too ashamed to go back to AA, and I need AA desperately right now.

I'm just really thankful that I know that now, because in the past, I quickly got to a point where I didn't want to go to AA, and tried to believe that I didn't need AA. I'm not at that point now, so even though I'm still relapsing, I think a little IS starting to sink in.

I just don't want to have to take that damn white chip again. Not here, anyway. We move to Florida for good on August 18th. I'm going to go to meetings every day I possibly can between now and then, and I'm determined not to drink again during this time, but I think I'll wait and take the white chip again once we get down there.

A Slightly Odd Gratitude List:
  • Hangovers, because they remind me of part of the reason I want to quit drinking.

  • That my husband found the rest of the vodka and dumped it out.

  • That I admitted to my husband that I'd drunk (although he already knew -- it's still important for me to confess it to him).

  • It's Sunday, so I can't buy alcohol (even if I wanted to).

  • That I haven't gotten back to that place where I dislike AA.

  • That I realize I desperately need AA, and want to go to a meeting tonight.

  • That while relapsing isn't good, it IS normal, and it doesn't mean I've ultimately failed.

  • That I'm realizing that for me, sobriety is a journey, and that while I may be stumbling now, I'm still in the beginning stages, and I WILL get to a point where I walk steadily on, as long I continue to have an open heart and mind, and can embrace the program.

  • That the only requirment to join AA is to have a DESIRE to stop drinking.

  • That I do have that desire to stop drinking.

  • For this place, where I can spill my guts and not be judged. Thanks for the reminder, Jessica, that I'm not writing for an audience. I'm writing because I need a place to be honest and real.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Déjà Vu, All Over Again

I'm in a crappy place emotionally. I'm feeling very sorry for me. I hate this, but I don't know how to make myself shake this depression off and get happy. I try, but it just doesn't seem to take. I know this is temporary. I know it will pass. I just hate it and I hate how it makes me feel and how I treat people I love when I feel like crap.

I am grateful for the comments you fellow alkie bloggers have left. I'm just too pissy to post anything meaningful and upbeat and really heavy on the gratitude side right now.

I haven't been to a meeting since Friday night, and have GOT to get to one tomorrow night. I've been thinking about drinking again, and I know it's the lack of meeting attendance, coupled with being so depressed about moving.

We took the first Penske truck-load down on Sunday (13 hours of driving in my car by myself, but Stephen King's Cell on tape made it bearable). We left my car down there, so now, no car for 2 weeks, which sucks.

What sucks big-time, though, is just how final this is. Moving to an old, dirty, and very small house in a very strange town very far from everyone and everything I know and love.

I know absolutely no one down there, I'm going to nothing familiar, nothing's in place job-wise, or anything else. It's all just unknowns and fear. That's all I can see. I just kept breaking down and weeping yesterday and this morning.

I just can't get past this, and it's making me want to drink. I know drinking won't help, though.

But, it would make my feelings go away for a while, which is why it's so tempting.