Saturday, April 23, 2011

We Will Not Regret the Past...But Can I Have a Do-Over?


Just discovered something you should NEVER do on Facebook.

Search for your ex.

Especially "the one that got away."

You know.

The one relationship you really blew.

That if you had a chance to do over, knowing what you know now, you'd jump into that DeLorean without looking back.

He's handsome. Successful. Married to a gorgeous wife with 2 gorgeous kids.

That could have been my life... SHOULD have been my life... if only...

If only I hadn't cheated on him.

If only I hadn't been going through a major depressive episode during a good part of our relationship.

If only I hadn't told him about all the other guys before him, because that's when he really was shattered and the relationship was doomed.

Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda.

The past is the past.

The present is now.

The future is to be... what I choose to make it.

Would my life have been different if I hadn't screwed up that relationship? Would it have been better?

I don't know.

No one knows, and it's not important.

To think that way is dangerous and delusional.

The "if onlys" only lead to regret, resentment and discontentment.

So, I will leave the past behind. I will not regret it or shut the door on it, but I will leave it in the past.

The present is now. I can choose to find the beauty and joy this moment holds, or I can choose to be miserable and to wallow in the mire of inertia.

The future is to come. I can help shape my destiny by the choices I make today. I can set goals and take action to attain them. I can realize that no matter how miserable or regrettable my past may seem, it is filled with experiences I have learned from, that have shaped me, made me stronger.

So... I can choose to search out old loves on Facebook and wistfully dream of the life I MIGHT have had...

...OR, I can celebrate the present in which I'm married to a man I love and respect, who stood by me through the worst days and years of both our lives, and I can honor him and what we have and stop searching for who and what might have been.

Sounds like a no-brainer to me!

Monday, April 18, 2011

A Good Day

My 4.90 Kickbutt Miles Pathway to Peace
Today was a good day. 

I ran 4.90 miles.

It was hard.

It was hot.

I felt like puking.


Then, I went to evening church, followed by an evening meeting.

Came home, ate supper, and have been watching DVRed shows, Tweeting, and Facebooking.

And now Blogging!

I'm also doing laundry.

Oh, and we've had free HBO and CineMax all weekend!

Like I said...

...A Good Day.

A REALLY good day! :)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Running To Nowhere

I'm tired. Slept until 3:30 PM. I know it's part depression, part exhaustion, too much running, not enough healing in between workouts, etc.

When I awoke, I had a voice message from the HR person of the company I've now interviewed with twice for different positions. She said they had just posted another 30 hour position and I should apply for it right away.


So I can go through all the stress of the application process itself, having to explain in detail my 2 DUIs, the last of which occurred 20 years ago (oh, yes; they ask and tell you not to leave anything out!), then wait to hear if I get an interview, and then go through the stress of the interview itself, followed by the interminable waiting afterward until I hear (or don't) that they've hired someone else for it?

I'm tired and depressed. I know I should call the HR person before 5 PM and thank her effusively for the information and opportunity.

But I'm exhausted emotionally and physically.  My meds have run out and I don't have a refill, and haven't found a shrink here yet (laziness and inertia again) to get a new script for my antidepressants. I'm out of cigarettes, and I don't know if I have enough strength mentally and/or physically to go for an endorphin producing run.

I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel.

And I just want them to stop the damn thing so I can get off it.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Happy BirthdAAy To ME!

My, my... how time flies! Today is my 4th Sober Birthday. Yep, I'm FOUR YEARS SOBER TODAY!!

Yay me.

It's been a quiet, good day.

Hubby and I celebrated with Belgian waffles, real maple syrup and butter, and Harney's White Peach Tea. YUM!

Went to church this evening, so I missed the evening meeting and haven't had any cake.