Open Windows

Just a super-quick update, because I've got to start getting ready for work.

I was only out of work for 2 weeks -- amazing in this economy! What's more amazing to me is that I didn't grow despondent. Of course, I went through some short bouts of depression and the "I suck, nobody will ever hire me" phase, but I was able to keep praying, keep talking, and keep actively seeking and following up on leads.

Long story short: I have a NEW JOB!!!! at another real estate company which specializes in luxury condominiums and estate homes, I'm making much more and get paid by salary, not hourly (although they pay extra if I work overtime!), and I'm learning TONS! It's in a beautiful location, right on the beach, so I can take a break and watch people surf, or roll up my pants legs and walk in the surf, if I want.

The only downsides are that I got the job partly because they had to fire the woman who normally would have trained me, and they had to hire a second assistant who is equally as green, if not more so, so we're the blind leading the blind, in a situation where we can't afford the luxury of not being up to speed. But, I feel as if things are starting to click, and I'm getting a handle on what my responsibilities are, and what I need to do to be a true asset to my employers.

God is indeed faithful! Thank goodness, too, that through my program of recovery, I am learning to deal with things as they come, and to rest in the knowledge that I never have to face anything alone, and that there is something to be learned when trials come. Staying open and trusting that things were in the hands of my HP, as long as I wasn't just sitting on my butt, were key to the peace of mind I had for those 2 weeks of joblessness.

I know 2 weeks isn't anything. I'm incredibly blessed to have gotten a job so quickly -- moreover, one that is better than the one I had -- and I am filled with amazement and gratitude.

Cycle of Life

My mom called me on Tuesday to tell me me a close friend of hers (and of our family) had died of lung cancer. It was quite a shock; I hadn't even known she was ill.

This lady was my mother's best friend all through high school, and they kept in touch throughout the years since. They both got married while still in high school, and had their first babies within six weeks of each other. When my parents eloped, Faye and her husband were the witnesses at their little civil ceremony, and Faye took the only exisiting snapshots of their nuptials.

When I was growing up, my great-grandfather lived in Fort Meyers, and whenever my family visited him, we'd head over to north Miami to visit Faye and her family for a few days, too. Faye's daughter was six weeks older than me, and even though we saw each other very infrequently, we shared a bond.

I called my mother yesterday to discuss Thanksgiving plans, and she told me that she'd found out that Faye's visitation was scheduled for that evening in the town next to us. I said I'd go and pay my respects.

I went about the day, not really feeling anything one way or the other about Faye's death. As I said, it was a shock, but I hadn't seen her or any of her family for years. My last conversation with her was when she called me to tell me she and her husband would not be able to attend my parents' 50th wedding anniversary celebration.

R was watching the news, and I decided to go and drop off my prescriptions at Walgreens, so they'd be ready to pick up when we went out later. I got to the pharmacy and couldn't find the prescriptions. I came home and searched frantically for them, and became convinced that they must have fallen out of my purse and been thrown in the trash and Walgreens.

I had a total meltdown, crying hysterically, and telling myself how stupid and irresponsible and disorganized I was, inwardly seething at R for refusing to get involved in my drama. I was aware that my emotional outburst had nothing to do with the actual circumstances of losing my prescriptions (which of course, I had misplaced and found later), but I couldn't pinpoint what the true cause was.

It wasn't until I saw my friend that I understood that my emotions were grief and fear. Grief for the loss of someone who had impacted my life, and who had been such an important part of my mother's life. Grief for my friend's loss of her mother. Fear of feeling uncomfortable, of not having the right words to say. Fear of the reality of death, and the prospect of losing my own parents. Faye was a year and a half younger than my mother, and she's dead. I still think of my mom as being relatively young (she's only 19 years older than I am), but the fact is she's 70 now. My dad is 70 now. I'm older, and they're older, and death is part of the cycle of life.

I am so thankful that I went last night, and was there for J, my friend. When I walked in, she said, "Do I recognize that face? Is that a face for me?" We hugged and held each other. Even though it had been years since we'd seen one another, that connection was still there. We shared memories and tears and laughter.

I am so grateful for the gift of sobriety, even though it means I have to feel my emotions and deal with them, rather than ignoring and numbing them. When I was drinking, I would not have gone. I would have been overwhelmed with the emotions I couldn't identify and would have wanted to obliterate them immediately. I would have drunk, maybe just a little to calm my nerves at first, but I would have gotten too drunk to go.

Instead, I was able to go and support my friend. Thank you, God.

Never Say Never

Well, it looks like I will be going to treatment (something I said I'd never do), but I'm actually kind of pumped about it. The place where R wanted me to go seemed to me not to be the best fit, so I started talking to some of my girls at the meetings I've been attending, and got some really positive feedback about one place in particular. They seem to be very proactive in addressing women's issues and how they impact and are impacted by alcohol addiction (such as menopause and depression), and this is something I've been very concerned about for a good while (actually, it was the original premise for this blog). They seem to be very holistic, too, addressing the spiritual side quite thoroughly.

I filled out and submitted a preliminary information form online yesterday, and today, talked to someone who took my intake information. The financial person is supposed to call me to let me know where things stand. I know our insurance sucks and won't cover much, but I have investments that can be liquidated to pay the balance, and since it's my life that's at stake, it seems to be the thing to do. So, I'll probably be going either next week or the week after for 28 days of residential treatment.

I've gotten a new sponsor, and I've started doing the 90 in 90 again. Somehow, my new sponsor was not aware until today that I was considering treatment (I've talked to so many people about it that I thought for sure I'd discussed it with her, but I guess I hadn't), so I don't know how that will affect the whole 90 in 90 thing, but we seem to be really connecting, which is different from my relationship with my first sponsor. We talked for about an hour on the phone this morning, and she's given me a first step assignment that seems actually doable and helpful, rather than just overwhelming busy work.

I may be getting a part time design job, too. I'm meeting with a woman from one of my women's meetings tomorrow to discuss it. It would only be a few hours a week, but it would be steady. I told her about the treatment issue, and she says it's no problem for me to start once I get back.

I am really seeing God at work in the ways that things have started coming together. I had to put forth a little effort (calling my friend to ask her about the treatment center I was interested in, asking someone to be my new sponsor, letting it be known that I'm looking for work, etc.), but once I did, things have just started clicking.

Things do seem to be looking up, but, boy, is it a long way to the top from here!