Tuesday, November 28, 2006

80 Days...

...And I want to drink like crazy.

It blows when you get sober and realize that you had excellent reasons to drink in the first place.

Like your life sucks, and you can't see a way out of your circumstances, or a way to make it better.

Like you feel trapped and stuck, and death really seems like a more pleasant option.

Like you feel if you have to endure 49 more years of this crap, you'd rather not have to experience it.

Like your husband has become merely your roommate, and the romance and passion, which have long since died, can never be rekindled, and you're only staying together because neither one of you is motivated enough to leave, or has the guts to do so.

Like if the only way to stay sober is to stay stuck at the same point for the next 40 years and go to meetings for the rest of your miserable life, you'd rather not, thank you very much.

I'm not going to drink today, but I sure as hell want to.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Day 79 and All's Fine

Just checking in, again.

Had a great Thanksgiving, and a wonderful time with my parents. We did the whole tourist thing. On Saturday, we went to Butterfly World, and my mother and I were in heaven.

Now, you have to understand that I am C-R-A-Z-Y about butterflies, butterfly gardening, butterfly-themed china, etc. When we moved to South Florida earlier this year, my hubby let me give away our old stoneware and get new all-occasion china that I've been wanting for yearsButterfly Meadow by Lenox. (Yes, I know it's sickeningly girly and frou-frou, but I'm a girl, dammit, so shut up and leave me the f*** alone!)

But, I digress.

Of course, I went ahead and bought an annual pass. This is a haven I can visit as often as 2 or 3 times a month if I need or want to, since it's only 25 minutes away. Realistically, I see myself taking a "spirit break" there at least every other month! I brought home a beautiful Lady Margaret passion flower vine to put into one of my mosaic-tiled pots I brought back from Haiti. I'll take a photo once I get it transplanted and post it.

My parents are non-drinkers (except for the VERY occasional glass of wine—maybe once a year, or even less), so alcohol was a non-issue. Of course, they don't know I'm in the program yet, and I haven't figured out when a good time to clue them in would be, since they didn't know I'd developed a problem with alcohol.


When the time is right, I'll know, and I'll be okay with telling them, but it really didn't seem to be the right time during this visit.

That's about it for now. Hope everyone had a happy Turkey Day!

Monday, November 20, 2006

After Awhile, Crocodile

Just a VERY short note to let y'all know I'm doing fine. Just needed a little time to sort things out, regain perspective, etc. Thank you so much to those of you who emailed me, sharing your love and concern. I realized more than ever the very real power and love we share in these virtual rooms.

I'm on Day 72, and going strong. Actually had a day (Saturday) where I never ONCE even thought about alcohol in any capacity, and only realized it the next day (yesterday). This gives me a vast amount of hope that in the future, with years of sobriety under my belt, that may be the norm, rather than the exception. Of course, I have to balance the desire and goal for "normal" days with the need to remain always vigilant and purposeful in pursuing, maintaining, and building my sobriety.

I probably won't post much for a while, as things are going to be very hectic here for the next few weeks (my parents are coming for Thanksgiving for starters!!! :D), but I'll try to check in at least once a week just to let y'all know I'm okay.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

See Ya Later, Alligator

Taking a break.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Nothing New Under the Sun

Hey, guys and girls. I'm okay. Just dealing with some stuff, and need to process it some more internally before I post anything about it, and even then, I'm not sure it's stuff I want to share with everyone in cyberspace, so I may not post anything about it ever (it's probably more 4th and 5th Step in nature). I will say, it's not anything new. Just old junk. It's got to come out, but in the proper context.

I started the South Beach Diet on Monday, and feel really good physically, so that's a big plus. I'm going to start jogging regularly and doing some really light free weights. I know it will help a lot with the blue moods I've been experiencing lately. Plus, I've got to get in shape for ski season (going to Vail in January, and Snowmass in February!!).

So that's it. I'm on Day 62. My sponsor's been away on a cruise this week, and I've been playing hooky from all things AA. I did go to my Wednesday night women's meeting, and had dinner with "the girls" prior to the meeting, but that's all, and that's not a good thing. I will get my sorry butt to a meeting tomorrow, fo sho.

I haven't had any terribly strong urges to drink, but I can sense that shift in my thinking that begins so quickly and so insidiously when I'm not vigilant and purposeful about my sobriety. I had a very difficult struggle in the grocery store last night when I couldn't find cooking wine, and almost gave up and bought regular wine. Thankfully, The Voice (who dAAve says is my HP) helped me play out the result of that scenario, and then, just as I had made up my mind to ask someone where the cooking wine was, one of the employees asked me if I needed help finding something and told me exactly where to find it.

Now, was that a God thing, or what?!

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Update: It's cool

Okay, so I talked to my sponsor. I told her I was finding the assignment difficult because I found that I was restating the same things, just in different ways. In the meantime, I'd had an idea of doing a collage to represent the things over which I'm powerless, and she LOVES that idea.

So, we're both happy.

I'm not blowing off the assignment, or refusing to be cooperative. Instead, I've come up with a way to do it that is meaningful to me. And my sponsor, who is an artist and also very visually oriented, likes that very much.

Best of all, I didn't ditch my sponsor because I was scared to talk to her. Maybe I'm starting to grow up, just a little.

Stuck on Step 1

This is embarrassing to have to confess. I'm still on Step 1, on Day 54. Shouldn't I be further along by now?

The assignment my sponsor has given me for this step at first seemed like it would be ridiculously easy to complete.

List 300 things over which I am powerless.

That's it.

Do you know how freakin' hard this is? Should I narrow it down to categories? Should I include the insignificant items, or the obvious items like "I'm powerless over how fast my nails grow; I'm powerless over the sun's rising; I'm powerless over death..." Blah, blah, blah-ba-dee-blah, ad infinitum.

I'm frustrated and angry because I already feel freaking powerless over every area of my life!!!!! Why do you think I drank in the first place?????

This is holding me back, and I can't move on to Step 2 until I get it over with. Should I tell my sponsor I need a different assignment, or that I'm struggling with this one, and that it seems stupid and pointless to me? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I feel like all I'm doing now is avoiding the issue entirely. I'm even wondering if I need a different sponsor, but I think that's just the part of me that gives up when the going gets tough, and that's part of what I'd like to work on changing (I think, anyway).

Maybe I like being stuck. Is that sick, or what? Maybe I don't want to move forward and grow. I think I do, though. So, do I just grit my teeth and do the assignment, or do I talk to my sponsor and tell her what's going on, or both, or option D) None of the above?