Hey, y'all. Haven't updated for a while, and just need to catch my breath a bit and say "Hello, I'm still here!"
Don't know why that's so important, except I guess having this blog that no one reads is at least a way to keep myself real and accountable in some way.
Christmas was OK. Not great, but OK. Went to my mom's in NC. She seemed ready for everyone to leave by the day after Christmas. We'd gotten there late Christmas Eve, so I drove down to Charlotte Monday, dropped hubby at the airport (he flew down to Fort Lauderdale to sail our Arlberg 30 around to Fort Myers to leave in dry dock since we're now landbound) and on down to Atlanta to pick up my mother-in-law to drive with me back to Oxford, MS.
We left on Wednesday and got here about 5 PM. It's now Friday, and she's ready to leave, so I had to go online and book her a flight, and now I have to drive 70 miles up and 70 miles back to Memphis. I'm a little peeved and put out, and not feeling too much in the way of gratitude right now.
Anyway, that's where I am emotionally right now, and it's not a safe place for me to be. And, I'll probably miss the 5:30 meeting tonight because I won't be back in time from dropping her at the airport. I think there is a 7:00 PM meeting, though, so hopefully, I can make that one.
I need a meeting desperately. I haven't been to one for at least 2 weeks now, and am starting to have really frighteningly real drinking dreams again, which is always a huge red flag for me that I am either entering or already in relapse mode.
I am going on my first ski trip in 4 years in about a month. It's the same group I used to go with in my drinking days. They are not heavy-duty drinkers, but they do like to have a few cocktails après ski and before dinner, and sometimes with dinner and after dinner... maybe they're more heavy-duty than I realized or wanted to admit.
I have a lot of anxiety and apprehension about going skiing for a week with people that I used to drink with. I don't fear that they will pressure me, since they are aware of and respect my newfound sobriety and recovery, but I'm afraid of being around "it" and feeling uncomfortable and knowing that taking a drink would relieve that anxiety for the moment.
For the moment.
And, then I would be in hell. Everything that I think and feel in those first few seconds of waking from the vivid drinking dreams would be real. The shame. The guilt. The remorse. The regret. The wanting to launch into crisis management/coverup mode, struggling with telling Roy, my sponsor, etc., etc., or just keeping it to myself and living with the lie.
I NEVER want to go through that hell again.
I AM grateful for something. Grateful for the drinking dreams, the reminder of how it was and how it would be if I ever do pick up that first drink.
My plan while skiing is to hit a meeting in Aspen every afternoon while everyone else is doing après ski and the hot tub. If that means I'm seen as a loner, as distant and aloof, too bad. I want to go skiing, and for some weird reason, I want to prove to myself that I can be in a challenging (dangerous) environment and walk through it.
I don't want to be arrogant, ignorant, or naive, though. I'm scared that maybe I am not ready to face this yet, that maybe I'll never be (places, people, etc.) and that I'm stupid to put myself into this situation. But, if I CAN walk through it and come out unscathed on the other side, I'll be stronger, knowing that I can handle a difficult situation and get through it as long as I am aware, vigilant and doing what I need to do.
That sounds so confident, and I am NOT confident. I'm confused and anxious, filled with self-doubt.
I have DEFINITELY got to get to a meeting tonight!