Monday, October 30, 2006

Happy Halloween!

Sorry! Just could not resist the urge to do something a little creepy for that creepiest of all holidays, All Hallows Eve. :D

Don't worry boys and ghouls; things will be back to "normal" the day after tomorrow.

In the meantime, have a very scary Halloween, and don't gorge on candy and make yourselves sick. Just remember if you do, though, you never have to feel that way again!!   ;)

Update: If you missed it, you can see it here.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Lazy Saturday

Today's one of those lazy, rainy days where it's sooooo easy just to sleep really late, crawl out of bed at the crack of noon, sip coffee and visit my fellow blogging peeps. So, even though I feel a little guilty about being so lazy, I'm going to luxuriate in these moments for a bit longer...

And, then I'll go make my hubby some WAFFLES!!! (Yeah, come on over—you're ALL invited!)

Lazy Saturday Gratitude:
  • Lazy, rainy Saturday mornings

  • Awesome blogging peeps

  • Awesome sober women

  • My sweet, handsome husband

  • My sweet, adorable (and handsome) kit-kat-kitten, Boots

  • Waffles

  • Eight O'Clock French Roast coffee

  • The Internet

  • A very mild, uneventful hurricane season for South Florida

  • Waking up without a sinus headache

  • 49 consecutive hangover-free mornings

  • Real butter

  • Real maple syrup

  • Waffles

  • A gym membership which can be utilized to work off the above!

  • The willingness to face up to and work through 49 years of crap

  • The desire, willingness, and ability to do so without picking up a drink

  • My HP, who will make that possible for me

  • An awesome support network, including a compassionate counselor

  • Self-storage facilities (R's finally agreed, and without too much nagging!)

  • Oh, and did I mention??... WAFFLES!!!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

half-nAAked adolescence

This is me at about age 14 or 15, about the time I can remember just being so confused about life, my purpose in it, what I was supposed to be and do... that life was just passing me by, and that somehow I just didn't get whatever it was that I was supposed to know intuitively, or have learned in order to be the person I was destined to be. This is the point at which I began to feel lost.

I've begun a journey now to face life clear-headedly, to grow up, and to find me along the way.

Come and learn more about the others who are trudging along with me at Half-nAAked Thursday.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Tuesday Thankfulness

It's Tuesday, and I'm thankful.

Funny, because when I awoke this morning, we'd lost power, and that usually makes me extremely anxious and out of sorts. But, I think even that situation has intensified my awareness of being grateful!

Today, I'm grateful because:
  • I live in a country where, if a transformer breaks, it's not necessary for those in the community to pool their meager resources, purchase a new one, and arrange with the electric utility company to install it at their earliest convenience, which will not be for at least two weeks, and only after the necessary bribes have been paid.

  • I have had the experience of living in a third-world country and can appreciate a well-functioning infrastructure.

  • I live in a wonderful country, and I know not to take that blessing for granted.

  • I can now pass a wine display in the grocery store and not have a craving for a glass of wine.

  • I'm starting to see how showing up for life is the beginning of creating the life I want.

  • I've been sober for 45 days, and can see that this is so much better than not being sober.

  • I want to keep being sober more than I want to run away from life, my emotions, people, places and things.

  • I have wonderful blogging friends, and I'm starting to build real friendships with people I'm meeting here in the rooms.

  • I have a vibrant, kick-ass sponsor, who has a vibrant, kick-ass sponsor.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Just Growing Pains

I feel like maybe I wasn't clear in what I was trying to communicate in that last post, and I need to clarify things a bit...

I'm really OKAY, even GOOD right now. Rereading the post, I can see how what I wrote might be perceived as negativity, but that is far from what I'm actually feeling or experiencing. This has been a real turning point, a breakthrough moment, even an epiphany for me.

I have a lot of HOPE and a lot of SERENITY right now.

What I meant to convey is that I'm facing up to what I don't like, knowing that it's NOT forever, that what's past IS in the past, and that I CAN move forward from here.

Most importantly, I'm NOT RUNNING AWAY from it by drinking.

I'm NOT dwelling on it, or wallowing in it.

Maybe I was wallowing and dwelling last week, but the point of the post is that I'm ready to move beyond wallowing and dwelling, and start growing.

And, I'm good. I really, really am in a good, healthy place.

A growing place.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Out of My Head

Okay. So I think I know what's going on.

I'm showing up for life. Life isn't all pink clouds, puppies and kittens, and flowers. I have stuff in my life I don't like. It's been there all along. I just made it (seem to) go away with alcohol. It's still there, because it never really went away.

So, now, I have to deal. And that sucks because it hurts. It hurts to look at myself—at my empty, pointless, directionless, purposeless life—and admit face that this is where I'm at.

It's kind of a chicken/egg scenario. Which came first? The drinking to deal with blot out my empty, pointless, directionless, purposeless life, or my loss of meaning, direction and purpose?

I don't know. I don't know if that even matters.

What matters is that now I have a chance to start over. To find meaning, direction, purpose and passion. To build a new life. A life I like and want.

And I think it's possible that I may find a me I like, as well.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

40 Days

Today is Day 40 for me.

I'm still sober, and I'm very grateful.

Grateful that I'm still sober. Grateful that I have friends here in the virtual rooms, as well as in the physical rooms of AA that I visit. Grateful that you have been where I am and you know it gets better. Grateful I can remember how it was 41 days ago, and that even if this sucks right now, it's better than that ever was. Grateful that my Higher Power is God and that he cares when I get depressed, overwhelmed, and lost in my own head. Grateful that I can pray and that prayer works. Grateful that many of you REMIND me to pray. Grateful that a few of you know when I need my butt kicked, and aren't afraid to do it.

I'm okay. Today, I'm okay.

Yesterday, I could see clearly that if I didn't confess out loud what I was feeling to another person, and more particularly, to another alcoholic, I was heading down a path that would inevitably lead to my picking up that first drink.

So I did. Confess it out loud, I mean.

First, to my husband (a shameless normie). Then, to the women at the meeting I attend on Wednesday evenings. Then, today, to my sponsor when I called her this afternoon. And, finally, to my home group at this evening's meeting.

I'm at peace again.

Thank you for the atta girls and get reals. I need ALL of you. I love ALL of you.

You ALL rock my world.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

It's the Disease Talking

Okay, I lied. This is my second post this weekend. I'm posting because I need to tell on myself.

I'm in an icky place emotionally.

Part of it is because I don't feel well physically (the exact same crap I had about 6 weeks ago, where it feels like you're getting a bad cold, but it never really develops into a full-blown cold — just makes you feel lethargic, foggy, and blah).

Part of it is just plain fear and part of it is something I have yet to identify.

I typed "fear." What am I afraid of? I really don't know. I know I feel incredibly overwhelmed and sad and defeated when I think of what the rest of my life looks like, and see it stretching out before me, punctuated by daily AA meetings, calls to my sponsor, step work and service.

Don't get me wrong. I'm so grateful to have finally "gotten it," and I know where I would be without AA, because the memory of that is crystal clear and oh-so-fresh in my mind.

I just don't want this to be my life. I'm tired of having to plan my day around meetings. I'm sad that the ONLY people I'm making any real effort to connect with are fellow alcoholics.

This disease—my enslavement to it—has taken over my life for the past eight years. Now, I'm in recovery, and I'm not drinking, but I'm still enslaved to the disease, only handling it in a "positive" way. It is still taking over my life. There doesn't seem to be any middle ground.

I know what the "right" answers are. Just focus on today. One day at a time. It's the disease talking. Etc., etc., etc.

Don't really know where I'm going with this. Just needed to let it out.

And yes, I'm going to call my sponsor and go to a meeting.

Saturday, October 14, 2006


Not much is up. Okay, that's probably not entirely true. I'm just not ready to post anything too deep-thoughty today.

Also, I've gotten the motivation going to get back to unpacking and settling in to our "new" digs here, so I don't want to lose that energy.

So, I will probably catch up on reading some of your blogs over the weekend, but may not be posting much for a few days.

But, I'm okay. Still doing my 90 in 90, still calling my sponsor daily, etc.

Just not very posty right now.

Also, feeling blah and like I may be getting a head cold.

Oh, and got kinda creeped out by a 13th stepper last night. But, more on that later.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

half-nAAked Milestone

30 Day Chip
Picking up this beautiful One Month chip once seemed like an impossible goal. The path stretches out before me, but now I have HOPE!

For more foto fun, go to half-nAAked Thursday!

Sunday, October 08, 2006

30 Days

Today is 30 days of continuous sobriety for me!!! I had just about given up on reaching this goal, that is until 30 days ago! In celebration, I thought a list of 30 things I'm grateful for would be most appropriate. So, without further ado...

30 Things I'm Grateful For Today:
  1. 30 days of continuous sobriety. (Duh!)

  2. The women's group I discovered 28 days ago.

  3. The women in the women's group who have what I want.

  4. My husband and his support.

  5. My home group and their support.

  6. My blogging buds and budettes and their support

  7. My awesome sponsor, M.

  8. My favorite guys in my home group, D and K.

  9. My other favorite guy, J, who visits my home group almost every weekend, and urged me to go ahead and ask M to be my sponsor.

  10. G, who says she's going to ask to give out the chips at tonight's meeting so she can be the one to give me my 30 day chip.

  11. A program which gives me tools to USE in place of my former abUSE of alcohol.

  12. Powerlessness.

  13. The Serenity Prayer.

  14. Edy's Peppermint Stick Ice Cream.

  15. The miracle of the slow-churning process (half the fat, yet all the creaminess -- how DO they do that???).

  16. Being able to buy my winter clothes at summer clothing clearance sales, because where I live, it's always summer.

  17. Palm trees.

  18. Butterflies.

  19. Tropical flowers.

  20. Songbirds.

  21. Kitties, especially my Boots.

  22. T's coming to last night's meeting (even though obviously very high on something), and picking up a white chip.

  23. That the chip I pick up tonight will NOT be white!

  24. That the physical cravings for alcohol seem to be diminishing significantly.

  25. That I'm learning to identify what triggers the urge to drink (for me), and am dealing with those issues as they come up in a healthier way.

  26. That this journey is a journey.

  27. That this process is a process.

  28. That although AA may not be the right way for everyone, it seems to be the right way for me.

  29. For those of you who told me that slips are serious and eventually would take me out permanently.

  30. For Scott W telling me for the umpteenth time to Just Do It.

Happy Birthday, Carly!

Happy BirthdAAy to you,
Happy BirthdAAy to you,
Happy BirthdAAy, dear Carly —
Happy BirthdAAy to you.

And mAAny more!

Carly is celebrating ONE YEAR of continuous sobriety today. She is my heroine, my inspiration, a true Wonder Woman! Please trot on over there and wish her a happy, happy 365!

Friday, October 06, 2006

Thank Goodness It's Friday

Today is Friday and I'm thankful and grateful for:
  • Beautiful, cooler and drier weather.

  • The opportunity to live in a friendly community with tons of AA meetings to choose from.

  • The absolutely gorgeous full moon at sunset tonight.

  • God's revelation of himself through nature.

  • The ability I have today to choose not to drink, even when life gets a little tougher.

  • 27 days sober, and without a hangover!

  • The opportunity to serve this month in my home group, by making coffee for the Tuesday meeting, and at my Sunday women's group, also by making coffee.

  • The renewed affection and appreciation my husband and I have for one another, since I've made a serious commitment to getting sober.

  • The support my husband gives me in working for my sobriety.

  • The new friends I've found in the meetings here.

  • That K., a delightfully young-at-heart oldtimer in my home group celebrates his 45th sobriety birthday tomorrow!

  • Blogging fellows and fellowettes, and the support and encouragement we both give and receive.

  • dAAve's reminder that I only need to unpack one box a day!! :D

  • Tomorrow is Saturday, which means... WAFFLES!!!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

half-nAAked alter ego

I took this picture of Boots trying out his new kitty window/door right after we installed it. When I viewed the photos later, I was struck by the fact that he is half inside and half outside, and how that seemed to mirror where I had been for the past year in my attempts at sobriety. I wanted to "try it out," but not to make a full commitment. I was stuck on the inside of a prison of my own making, but too fearful of what lay beyond, outside of my alcoholic comfort zone, to go all the way through the door.

Now, I've finally found the courage to step through the door, but I'm still cautious, just standing on the ledge and surveying the landscape, getting my bearings, making sure that when I jump, I'll land on my feet.

To see more half-nAAked pics, click here.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Incredibly Awesome Gratitude

Don't know why, but I'm hitting the wall. I usually do this at 14 days or so, but today is Day 23, so don't know what's up with that.

I don't want to drink, and I'm not going to drink. Just being honest about where I'm at emotionally. I think I've been on somewhat of a pink cloud for the past 3 weeks, and reality is just coming back into focus a bit.

I'm feeling overwhelmed, because I have basically not unpacked any more boxes since 3 1/2 weeks ago. I thought I'd tackle the unpacking situation this morning, and I'm realizing why I originally got overwhelmed and stopped.

Only, I did it by retreating into a bottle last time, and this time, that is NOT AN OPTION! I think we're going to have to bite the bullet and pay for storage. The house is just too small, and there is NO WHERE to put anything.

Okay, I think a gratitude list would help my attitude and outlook, SO...

Today, I am grateful for:

  • My incredibly awesome sponsor, and the fact that I like her and connect with her, and that she's got me working the steps.

  • My incredibly awesome husband and his support of my efforts to get this sobriety thing going.

  • My incredibly awesome blogging friends (yeah, YOU!!), including Tampa Realtor, who is celebrating 30 Days Sober today!!! Please go over and say "hello" and congratulate him on this accomplishment.

  • My incredibly awesome HP who is giving me the strength today to turn over to him the things that are too difficult for me to do alone.
Now, remind me — exactly WHY was I down in the dumps?? :P :D