Sunday, September 04, 2011

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Haven't blogged in soooo long, and darn it, I MISS it.  I'm a sporadic journaler, a sometime tweeter and a fickle facebooker, but I've been blogging off and on for over 6 years now, and it is the one thing, the one PLACE to which I always return, at least to visit for a while.

As I've said before, this is the one place where I feel free to be me, to express all the joy, all the pain, all the beauty, all the ugliness that is part of who I am, or have been, or am becoming.  It's not always neat and pretty or easy to understand or slog through, and I need a place where it's safe to put it all out there without fear of reprisal or judgment.

This has been and continues to be that place.

Even if no one ever reads what I write, or comments on it, this is a place where I return, maybe not as often as I once did, but the chronicle of my journey is HERE.

The good, the bad, the ugly.

The days when I had sunk so low into depression, self-loathing and despair that I could not face the thought of going on at all.  The days before I got sober, when I so desperately WANTED to be sober, but also desperately FEARED what going through life unfiltered by the blissful numbing of alcohol would mean.

That first year, when every DAY I feared I would not make it to the magic 12-month mark.

The days since then as I have grown increasingly confident, and increasingly nonchalant and complacent, taking my sobriety for granted, which I know is a scary place to be...

This is my place of real.  My place of transparency and honesty.

I've toyed with the idea of deleting this blog, of starting a new blog where everyone in "real life" knows it's me, and I'm okay with that, but that's the whole point of blogging anonymously or at least pseudonymously, isn't it?

If everyone KNOWS it's me, how free am I to really BE me?

Omigosh.  That's some deep shi.... stuff.  I think I just blew my own mind.

OK. Later.

Or, rather SOONER than later.