Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Thank God It's Tuesday!

It's Tuesday, the first day of my "weekend." I can finally take a deep breath, laze around, and spend some time catching up on my blogroll. Seeing Scott W's gratitude list today reminds me how much I DO have to be grateful for, and also how much listing those things helps to turn my negativity into positivity, which then can lead to purposeful action.

It's Tuesday, and I'm Thankful and Grateful . . .
  • For the Celebrate Recovery meeting last night, and the women in my small group who understood my pain and prayed for me
  • For Scott W's post today
  • For this community of recovery
  • For an opportunity this coming month to lead the Wednesday night women's step meeting
  • For the ability to see today that I have options and choices
  • For the extradorninary light outside today, making everything sharp, vibrant and new
  • For two days away from my job and the chance to see it from a more objective perspective
  • For my friends, family and all others who are with me in this continuing journey
  • For moments of joy, even rapture, especially on days when life sucks
  • For the certainty that when I come home in the evening, I have a soft place to fall

Sunday, March 29, 2009

I Hate My Job...But, It's Still A Job

I feel so blue right now. Thank goodness tomorrow is my "Friday," my last day of work before my 2 consecutive days off.

It must be me. If it's not me, then why do I keep ending up with bosses who seem to excel in the art of beating me down and making me feel stupid and incompetent? Maybe it's just the nature of the southeast Florida real estate broker.

Or, maybe it really is me. Maybe I am just stupid and incompetent. I know I can't multi-task (a skill that, quite frankly, is overrated, if you ask me). I need to concentrate on one thing and complete it, rather than being scattered by umpteen different things to focus on at one time.

But apparently, being unable to multi-task is just one of my many failings.

I'm also slow.

I prefer to think of it as being careful and methodical, but if indeed I were careful and methodical, I probably would not keep making so many careless mistakes.

I really need to rewrite my resume, and take out all the things I've put on it that that turn out just not to be true.

Take out ability to multi-task and exceptional attention to detail and accuracy. Scratch organizational skills and efficiency. And time-management skills? Who am I kidding??!!

Maybe myself, but no one else, and especially not my bosses.

So, I can sit here and feel sorry for myself and fish for sympathy, or I can look at my part, my defects of character, my poor habits, and I can start to examine myself honestly and figure out what I need to do to change these things that are detrimental to my job performance.

Because I do have a choice.

Maybe not in the way others think of me or view me, but in how I view myself and think of myself.

If I allow myself to stay stuck in my misery and feel like a victim, then nothing is going to change, and my sobriety will be threatened. If, instead, I keep turning this over to my Higher Power, asking for wisdom and direction in knowing how to change what needs changing, and then act on that, I will move forward.

Where forward is, I'm not sure. But, I know it's better than here.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

How Time Flies!

I would say I cannot believe how long it's been since I posted, but I am well aware. I just never seem to have a good chunk of time to devote to blogging any more.

Just by way of update, for the faithful few who check back from time to time, I am coming up on my 2 year anniversary next month! Now, THAT seems unbelievable! I continue to do about 3 to 4 meetings a week, including a Celebrate Recovery program I've become involved in at our church. We're actually still in the leadership training phase, so I'm learning by doing, and feel extremely blessed to be a part of something I feel has been missing from the church for far too long.

I remember all too well the shame, despair, condemnation (real or imagined) and hopelessness I felt as a woman active in ministry who struggled with alcoholism. I felt like a hypocrite, and the end result was that I abandoned my faith in God, and it wasn't until I finally made it into the rooms of AA and then into treatment that I realized that He had not abandoned me, that in fact, it was the other way around.

If I can help one person in a similar situation, before they abandon hope completely, it will be well worth everything I went through to be at the place in my recovery and spirituality I am today.

Not that I'm any spiritual giant, mind you. I know I could slip and fall as easily as the next person, so I certainly don't want to be on any pedestal. I think the major difference today is that I know it's okay NOT to be some super saint to be of help to others, that it's really better for me to be real and honest and to admit my failings, missteps and character defects. If I'm real, complete with all my faults, it's much easier for someone who is struggling to relate to me and open up.

Today, that's my prayer. That for today, I will seek guidance from my Higher Power, that I will be honest and compassionate toward myself first, and being flawed but forgiven and pressing forward, I will be honest and compassionate toward others, and that I will see them through His eyes -- that I'll see some essence of God in everyone I meet, no matter how small.

We can't keep what we have if we don't give it away. I'm so grateful for the opportunities my HP is giving me to do that.