One Sip Away From a Slip

So, interesting. 

I had a comment on an old post just out of the blue. Would not have even known if I didn't check my email,  since I haven't posted here for eons.

The comment was from a fellow sober alcoholic who is contemplating beginning a blog as well.  What follows is most of my responding comment to her: 

Blogging certainly helped me gain a stronger foothold, especially in the earlier days before I had a good foundation IRL. I was blessed to find a group of regular sober bloggers that not only supported me, but called me out on my BS when necessary. Unfortunately, not many of them, or I for that matter, are still very active within the blogosphere. 

How long have you been sober? For me, it's almost eleven years now. It's still hard at times. I still have drinking dreams from which I awake feeling horror, shame, and self-loathing until I realize it's just a dream. Usually, it's a sign that I'm dealing with a lot of stress. I've learned to take it as a warning that I need to confront and work through the issues at hand.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I still believe that one day I'll be able to drink "normally" again, although intellectually, I know this is a lie straight from the pit of Hades. 

My point, if indeed I have one, is that this is a disease that never goes away. There is no "cure" for alcoholism. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Having double digit years of sobriety isn't a badge, but a reminder that no matter how many years one has, like the newbie, we are all just one sip away from a slip. Complacency creeps in and we feel invulnerable, and that's a terrifying place to be.

I have personally seen people who were sober icons with 20+ years under their belts come back to the rooms and whitechip. Not where I ever want to be. I haven't been to a meeting in years, and your commenting on my blog is a huge wakeup call that I'm fooling myself if I believe I can do this alone. None of us can. We may think we're sober alcoholics, but we're just dry drunks, [if we believe that lie].

Blog. It's therapeutic, it keeps you honest and accountable, it's a great place to rage and vent. Just don't substitute it for being involved in a real life community of actual people who are like minded and are also in recovery. Go to meetings and develop a close group of sober confidants.

Don't try to make your spouse or significant other, your church, or non-alcoholic friends or family members your recovery community. They're not, and they cannot fill that role. Having an expectation of them to do so will end up with your feeling disappointed, betrayed, and resentful. Don't shut them out. Just let them be what they're supposed to be. 

Sorry if this sounds like a lecture. I'm writing more to remind myself of what I need to remember, rather than offering unsolicited advice! For all I know, I could well be preaching to the choir! I hope that's the case. I wish you the best in life and in recovery.

So, there it is, folks. Where I am, where I'm not, where I need to be,  and what I need to do to get there.

Are any of my old sober community bloggers still out there? We need each other, and we need to be there for the newbie or the fellow seasoned traveler who happens to stumble upon our journey journals, aka, our blogs. We need to start posting and reading and commenting again. 

I will if you will.

WARNING: Wonderland Ahead

Go read Jeremy's post, Cunning. Baffling. Powerful. NOW!

Wow. Powerful, right?!

And, oh, how I relate...

When I came back from skiing, I stayed overnight at my mother-in-law's in Atlanta. I wanted smooth legs for my honey who was to pick me up in Memphis (sorry, TMI!), so while trying to locate my razor which I'd cleverly stowed inside my ski boot bag, I accidentally cut my finger.  Like all flesh wounds, it bled profusely, so I opened the medicine cabinet to search for a BandAid.

Now, you need to know that Mom never takes ANY medication (barring her required thyroid medication, which she takes religiously and ritualistically), but laying on the shelf was a little paper packet that said "for pain as needed..."

It might as well have said "Drink Me" or "Eat Me."

In an audible voice.

I left the packet on the shelf, untouched, but I knew the pills were were there... waiting.

Taking one or two or three (c'mon - who knows how long they've been in there - they probably have lost all their efficacy by now!) would alter my feelings, take me out of my discomfort, numb my anxiety and put me in an altered state of emotion and experience.

They would take me out of the miserable discomfort of being me.

It was almost as if I was being mocked and set up: "You got through the ski trip; here's your reward... come on, it's JUST PILLS, not alcohol, not your drug of choice."

I had to slam the door shut on the temptation and the voice of my addiction, which was telling me just to nab the packet (it would never be missed, after all) and save it "for later."

I had to take a moment and repeat over and over, while staring into the blank whiteness of the washbasin, "I don't do that anymore."

"I don't DO that anymore!"

"I. DON'T. DO. THAT. ANYMORE!!!"

I don't go through people's medicine cabinets looking for pills.

I don't tell myself pills are okay.

I don't pretend that pills won't take me almost immediately back to my first love, alcohol.

Because they will. Inevitably and inexorably.

And if I ever drink again, I will wreck everything.

I'll destroy myself, my life, and those I love.

I will be out on the street and dead in a matter of months, not years.
That's how bad my alcoholism is.

That's the kind of alcoholic and addict I am.

And I am BOTH.

Maybe my drug of choice, my "main" addiction is alcohol, but anything that controls my emotions, alters my state of consciousness, elevates or deflates my mood will be my undoing.

Thanks, Jeremy, for your amazingly candid and timely post.

You're in my heart.

Care for a tart? (durn, I KNEW I was going to do that!)

Sober Skiing in Snowmass

I DID IT!!

I went snow skiing in Snowmass, Colorado for a week with my former drinking buddies ski chums, and I DID NOT DRINK!!

Even when my ass was falling off.

There were a couple of nervous moments, but I realized even before they occurred that they would be caused by my social anxiety, which USED to be alleviated by drinking, and that it might be tough, but armed with the right tools, I could get through them.

That's pretty much a part of everyday life out in the real world.  I've had to become accustomed to blushing when I can't find my wallet in the checkout line, getting tongue-tied at the bank teller's window, and babbling incoherently when asked if I can be helped by retail store personnel.

Granted, it's better when I'm on Cymbalta, but the anxiety and awkwardness are never totally gone, and I'm never completely at ease in any social setting beyond my immediate family (meaning my husband and my cat). Even my family of origin, all of whom I adore, can be tough to be around, especially all at once.

I know I was stupid and headstrong to do this.  I knowingly put myself in a potentially dangerous situation.

But it was a challenge I felt I needed to face.

And I DID IT!!

So, nah-nah-nah-nu-nu-stick-your-head-in-doo-doo to everyone who was sure I'd fail, and THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart to all who prayed for me and cheered me along the way.

I love you all. M-U-A-H!!

New Years Eve News

Hey, y'all.  Haven't updated for a while, and just need to catch my breath a bit and say "Hello, I'm still here!"

Don't know why that's so important, except I guess having this blog that no one reads is at least a way to keep myself real and accountable in some way.

Christmas was OK.  Not great, but OK.  Went to my mom's in NC.  She seemed ready for everyone to leave by the day after Christmas.  We'd gotten there late Christmas Eve, so I drove down to Charlotte Monday, dropped hubby at the airport (he flew down to Fort Lauderdale to sail our Arlberg 30 around to Fort Myers to leave in dry dock since we're now landbound) and on down to Atlanta to pick up my mother-in-law to drive with me back to Oxford, MS.

We left on Wednesday and got here about 5 PM.  It's now Friday, and she's ready to leave, so I had to go online and book her a flight, and now I have to drive 70 miles up and 70 miles back to Memphis.  I'm a little peeved and put out, and not feeling too much in the way of gratitude right now.

Anyway, that's where I am emotionally right now, and it's not a safe place for me to be.  And, I'll probably miss the 5:30 meeting tonight because I won't be back in time from dropping her at the airport.  I think there is a 7:00 PM meeting, though, so hopefully, I can make that one.

I need a meeting desperately.  I haven't been to one for at least 2 weeks now, and am starting to have really frighteningly real drinking dreams again, which is always a huge red flag for me that I am either entering or already in relapse mode.

In my dream last night, I was on a ski trip, and accepted a drink from someone, and that was it.  When I woke up, I actually felt as if I had a hangover, as the room was stuffy and I was developing a bad sinus headache.  After a few seconds, I realized "It's only a dream..." but the fear and depression were still there.

I am going on my first ski trip in 4 years in about a month.  It's the same group I used to go with in my drinking days.  They are not heavy-duty drinkers, but they do like to have a few cocktails après ski and before dinner, and sometimes with dinner and after dinner... maybe they're more heavy-duty than I realized or wanted to admit.

I have a lot of anxiety and apprehension about going skiing for a week with people that I used to drink with.  I don't fear that they will pressure me, since they are aware of and respect my newfound sobriety and recovery, but I'm afraid of being around "it" and feeling uncomfortable and knowing that taking a drink would relieve that anxiety for the moment.

For the moment.

And, then I would be in hell.  Everything that I think and feel in those first few seconds of waking from the vivid drinking dreams would be real.  The shame. The guilt. The remorse. The regret. The wanting to launch into crisis management/coverup mode, struggling with telling Roy, my sponsor, etc., etc., or just keeping it to myself and living with the lie.

I NEVER want to go through that hell again.

I AM grateful for something.  Grateful for the drinking dreams, the reminder of how it was and how it would be if I ever do pick up that first drink.

My plan while skiing is to hit a meeting in Aspen every afternoon while everyone else is doing après ski and the hot tub.  If that means I'm seen as a loner, as distant and aloof, too bad.  I want to go skiing, and for some weird reason, I want to prove to myself that I can be in a challenging (dangerous) environment and walk through it.

I don't want to be arrogant, ignorant, or naive, though.  I'm scared that maybe I am not ready to face this yet, that maybe I'll never be (places, people, etc.) and that I'm stupid to put myself into this situation.  But, if I CAN walk through it and come out unscathed on the other side, I'll be stronger, knowing that I can handle a difficult situation and get through it as long as I am aware, vigilant and doing what I need to do.

That sounds so confident, and I am NOT confident.  I'm confused and anxious, filled with self-doubt.

I have DEFINITELY got to get to a meeting tonight!

Boundaries

I have a difficult time with boundaries.  For years, I operated as if I had none, and I let myself play the victim to the hilt.  (Poor me, poor me... pour me another drink.)

Today I am aware that I need to have boundaries, and in some areas, I've established some pretty solid ones, but in other areas, I continue to struggle.

I think a lot of my uncertainty and hesitancy stems from not really having a clear perspective on what a healthy balance looks like when it comes to being available, helpful, caring and compassionate versus taking care of myself and not allowing myself to become a doormat.

The newcomer I mentioned previously is quickly becoming a source of irritation, frustration, anger and resentment for me.  She seems to have ZERO boundaries when it comes to asking for help and favors.  And, what I feared regarding my setting an unhealthy precedent by agreeing to go way out of my way to help her this past Saturday seems to be materializing rapidly.

And she has no clue.  I won't go into the details, but yesterday was a complete waste for me due to this woman and her demands, expectations, and complete ignorance of basic human courtesy (e.g., calling someone to tell them you no longer need a ride before they call you while en route to pick you up!).  I'm frustrated and irritated with her, and I'm more frustrated and irritated with myself for feeling helpless and not knowing how to handle this situation.

I don't think this woman is even aware  that she is doing or expecting anything unreasonable.  I don't think it even occurs to her to consider how her expectations, actions, and demands impact others.  She is so wrapped up in what she's going through right now that she cannot entertain awareness of anything else.

I get that.  I have sympathy and compassion for her and for her current emotional, physical, spiritual and mental state.  I realize that especially in the beginning, the focus has to be on self and getting better.  In the beginning, it is a ME program, and it is a selfish program, and it needs to be that way.  I see and feel and hear her desperation, and the fact that right now, it's literally one moment at a time for her, and that just getting to that NEXT moment demands heroic determination and focus, to the exclusion of any outside distractions.

I am truly grateful and happy that she HAS that desperation, that she wants a life of release and freedom so badly that she is willing to go to any lengths get it.  Really, truly, I am.

I can overlook a lot her behavior, her apparent lack of consideration for anyone else, and attribute it to the fact that she is desperate and new.  She also seems to be having some real cognitive and physical problems that I guess may be resulting from withdrawal from alcohol or pills or whatever she was on (hell, it could be crack-cocaine or heroin; I don't know, because she hasn't told me a damn thing!).

Aha.

And now we get to the root of the real issue underneath my frustration and anger.  This newcomer has asked me, without the slightest hesitation or reservation, to turn my life upside down to accommodate her, yet she hasn't shared the FIRST THING about her issues and addiction(s), her emotional state -- her story -- with me.

If you want me to turn my life upside down to accommodate you and your needs, at least trust me enough to open the door a tiny, teensy crack, to allow me to begin to get a glimpse of who your are and how I can help you as you face your fears.  Throw me a bone.  Show me that you want to trust me, even if trust is generally impossible for you right now.  If I see that you want to trust me -- even if you can't trust me or anyone else yet -- chances are, I'll bend over backwards and leap through hoops to help you.

If you refuse to open yourself to me even a tiny bit -- if you continually put up a wall, yet conversely and constantly make demands on my time and energy -- I will shut down.

And, eventually, I will shut you out.  Out of my thoughts, out of my of day, out of my sobriety and my recovery.  Out of my life.

Not out of anger or frustration or irritation, or lack of empathy or sympathy, but out of an instinct for self-preservation.

Because, even after a few years, even after we begin to see that this is a WE program, it still is -- and needs to remain -- a ME program.  If I do not first protect and take care of myself and my sobriety, I really cannot be of help to anyone else.

Where is that balance?

I guess more will be revealed...

"The Time Has Come..."

...the Guru said
"To talk of many things:
Of hats--and shirts--and spam comments--
Of CafePress--and Kings--
And why water cost forty bucks
Just because it's called "Bling."

Seriously, folks; this is not a terribly serious post. I AM frustrated with a certain person posting his unwanted comments, but short of moderating comments, there's little I can do except continue to ignore them. He has his opinions and his agenda, and obviously he thinks any of us who "buy into" the AA Program are unredeemable sinners going straight to hell. Okay, I know I'm giving him way too much attention here, which will undoubtedly throw fuel on his fire, but I personally HAVE a relationship with God, and depend upon Him for my recovery, so I don't know why I've been singled out for this person's crusade. If I DON'T end up where I think I will when I die, I'll be surprised, but at least I'll probably be in a different place than him, so it's all good.

On to the second item. Are you proud of your sobriety? Do you want to declare that you're in recovery to the world? Okay, well in light of the fact that we're Alcoholics ANONYMOUS, probably not. But, to wear to AA meetings or events, or just around the house, there are some pretty cool sober T-Shirts, hats etc. out there online at CafePress. They range from poignant to cute to serious to humorous to shocking; in other words, something for everyone! Here's my personal favorite, which I'd never have the guts to actually wear to a meeting, and here's the one I'm actually going to order!

And, last but not least... in the what will they think of next? category: seriously, people—$40 for a bottle of freakin' water??? Oh, BlingH20 also has some in PLASTIC bottles (no bling) for ONLY $24 a case! Wow -- that's a deal at twice the price!

I don't think so.

Well, at least not yet.