Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Brutally Honest

It's time I came clean about a something. I've been sober for 10 weeks now, EXCEPT that I have had an alcoholic beverage on two occasions during that time. On November 4th, I had about six ounces of "mulled" wine that had actually been boiled, and definitely did not have any alcoholic punch left in it. And, on December 3, I had about 4 ounces of a very weak Bloody Mary.

I didn't get drunk.

I didn't drink to excess.

Heck, I didn't even get a buzz.

But, I drank.

I had an opportunity to make an informed, intelligent and rational choice, and on both occasions, I chose to do the one thing that I know I have no business doing.

Knowing this fact, and knowing what it implies about my resolve and inner strength scares the crap out of me.

And this is where AA would say I need to just not drink today and go to a meeting.

There is a great deal of validity in the simplicity of that approach, because at least during the time you're on your way to and at the meeting, you're thinking about not drinking and consciously, actively choosing not to drink, and you're encouraged and supported by people who truly understand how hard that can be.

The problem with this approach by itself is that it doesn't help me in confronting and conquering what is there that motivates me to make a decision I know is so harmful to myself and to others.

And I think that's the key.

If I can get a handle on that, I think eventually I'll not WANT to drink.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Sigh . . . (expletives deleted)

I'm f***ing depressed. When I'm depressed, it tends to come out from time to time as irrational anger, even rage. Or, I just become emotionally paralyzed or constantly weepy, walking around with a sadness so profound that my throat chronically aches and I feel as if I have a physical weight pressing me down.

I can't do anything to fix a lot of the things that are at the root of the depression. So I'm even more depressed, and growing despondent and anxious. I just want not to feel this way. If I can't fix what's wrong, I just want to make the feelings stop.

Drinking really works. I don't want to drink (I do want to, but I don't want to start that cycle up again). I need another way to deal with this that feels as good or is as numbing as drinking.

Please don't tell me this is a spiritual issue and that I need to find God. I know God. I have a relationship with God (even though it's pretty dead right now). I can't touch God and I can't see God, though. I can talk to him, but I might as well talk to the wall.

What I need is for my husband to not keep going to school, but to get a real job making real money so that we can get the house fixed and buy the furniture we need and get my dissolving fillings in my teeth replaced. What I need is not to feel that I'm waiting for my life to start up again, like I'm just living in a state of limbo or "hold" right now. This was supposed to last 2 years, and we're now entering the third year, and he's applying for a damn PhD program now.

This came out yesterday when I lost it and told him I was sick and tired of him being in school and that if he didn't get a real job I was going to divorce him. Of course, he just chalked this up to frustration and hormones on my part. So, I know I'm just holding this in, but this is how I really feel, and if I try to tell him this rationally, he'll just see it as my being non-supportive.


Note: Edited to delete f-bombs -- that's just not me, unless I'm really ballistic, and it's sure not something I want anyone I know IRL to stumble across and read, and think "Hmmmm . . . Didn't know she had such a potty mouth!" I do, but only when I'm raging. (How sad is it that I don't care if people know I'm a bitchy hormonal drunk, but I do care if they know I can cuss like a sailor?)

Thursday, December 01, 2005

I Can't Get No Satisfaction

I'm feeling restless, apprehensive, and generally dissatisfied, and personal history proves that this is a very dangerous place for me to be sobriety-wise, as I tend not to recognize that such uneasiness often precedes a relapse or binge (as applicable per case). And I just hit week 7, so I don't want to blow it. (Yes, that's right, folks . . . 7 continuous, beautiful weeks of S-O-B-R-I-E-T-Y!!!)

A lot of this current apprehension stems from the fact that I'm not happy in my most recently chosen fields of work. I LOVE the creative aspects of web design, and I find the challenge of learning how to do the things I visualize to be very stimulating. But, I HATE the way clients are never quite satisfied, or how their expectations turn out to be completely different from what they tell you they want at the initial consultation and even after they sign off on the written proposal, or how they expect you to keep doing general maintenance and updating their sites for free indefinitely (um, can you say "reality check?").

I have found a magic little phrase, though, that tends to stop them dead in their tracks when they want me to do "one more little thing." This is it. You'll want to take notes.

Me:I'll be happy to do that, but I'll have to invoice that as a separate item and bill it at my hourly rate.
Client: [Silence]
Me: Hello? Are you still there?
Client: [Clears throat] Uh, let's hold off on doing that for now. I'll get back to you on it later.

Problem solved.

My other "career venture" is not even worth mentioning, except to note that it is stressing me out more than it's doing anything else, and I should probably cut my losses and get out before I get in too deep.

Yes, it's a multi-level marketing plan, a pyramid scheme, whatever you want to call it.

No, it's not Amway.

Yes, I'm unbelievably stupid and gullible to have gotten suckered into it.

Oh, you'd like more information? Let me tell you about this wonderful opportunity to be your own boss and earn over $1,000 a month while working only 6 hours a week . . .