Today

Today, my life is sane.

Today, I take responsibility for my actions and decisions, and their resulting consequences.

Today, I take responsibility for my part in my relationships because friends and loved ones matter and are important to me.

Today, I take responsibility for myself, because I am no longer content in the victim role.

Today, I take responsibility for my health, including getting multiple mammograms, a bilateral ultrasound and an extremely painful biopsy last week.

Today I have peace knowing I'm doing what I need to do to take care of my body which I abused for so long, and I have been blessed to learn that the results of the biopsy are negative!

Today, I thank my Higher Power for propmpting me to take the action I needed to take, and most of all, for walking alongside me as I walked through my fear, and providing love and support from family and other loved ones.

Today, I am not alone.

We Will Not Regret The Past . . .

. . .but, I thank God that waking up with a throbbing head, severe nausea, a raging thirst and absolutely no knowledge of where I was or how I'd gotten there are part of my PAST, and with His grace, not part of my future.

I turn 2 on the 10th! Doesn't seem possible, does it? :D

Thank God It's Tuesday!

It's Tuesday, the first day of my "weekend." I can finally take a deep breath, laze around, and spend some time catching up on my blogroll. Seeing Scott W's gratitude list today reminds me how much I DO have to be grateful for, and also how much listing those things helps to turn my negativity into positivity, which then can lead to purposeful action.

It's Tuesday, and I'm Thankful and Grateful . . .

• For the Celebrate Recovery meeting last night, and the women in my small group who understood my pain and prayed for me
  
• For Scott W's post today
  
• For this community of recovery
  
• For an opportunity this coming month to lead the Wednesday night women's step meeting
  
• For the ability to see today that I have options and choices
  
• For the extradorninary light outside today, making everything sharp, vibrant and new
  
• For two days away from my job and the chance to see it from a more objective perspective
  
• For my friends, family and all others who are with me in this continuing journey
  
• For moments of joy, even rapture, especially on days when life sucks
  
• For the certainty that when I come home in the evening, I have a soft place to fall

I Hate My Job...But, It's Still A Job

I feel so blue right now. Thank goodness tomorrow is my "Friday," my last day of work before my 2 consecutive days off.

It must be me. If it's not me, then why do I keep ending up with bosses who seem to excel in the art of beating me down and making me feel stupid and incompetent? Maybe it's just the nature of the southeast Florida real estate broker.

Or, maybe it really is me. Maybe I am just stupid and incompetent. I know I can't multi-task (a skill that, quite frankly, is overrated, if you ask me). I need to concentrate on one thing and complete it, rather than being scattered by umpteen different things to focus on at one time.

But apparently, being unable to multi-task is just one of my many failings.

I'm also slow.

I prefer to think of it as being careful and methodical, but if indeed I were careful and methodical, I probably would not keep making so many careless mistakes.

I really need to rewrite my resume, and take out all the things I've put on it that that turn out just not to be true.

Take out ability to multi-task and exceptional attention to detail and accuracy. Scratch organizational skills and efficiency. And time-management skills? Who am I kidding??!!

Maybe myself, but no one else, and especially not my bosses.

So, I can sit here and feel sorry for myself and fish for sympathy, or I can look at my part, my defects of character, my poor habits, and I can start to examine myself honestly and figure out what I need to do to change these things that are detrimental to my job performance.

Because I do have a choice.

Maybe not in the way others think of me or view me, but in how I view myself and think of myself.

If I allow myself to stay stuck in my misery and feel like a victim, then nothing is going to change, and my sobriety will be threatened. If, instead, I keep turning this over to my Higher Power, asking for wisdom and direction in knowing how to change what needs changing, and then act on that, I will move forward.

Where forward is, I'm not sure. But, I know it's better than here.

How Time Flies!

I would say I cannot believe how long it's been since I posted, but I am well aware. I just never seem to have a good chunk of time to devote to blogging any more.

Just by way of update, for the faithful few who check back from time to time, I am coming up on my 2 year anniversary next month! Now, THAT seems unbelievable! I continue to do about 3 to 4 meetings a week, including a Celebrate Recovery program I've become involved in at our church. We're actually still in the leadership training phase, so I'm learning by doing, and feel extremely blessed to be a part of something I feel has been missing from the church for far too long.

I remember all too well the shame, despair, condemnation (real or imagined) and hopelessness I felt as a woman active in ministry who struggled with alcoholism. I felt like a hypocrite, and the end result was that I abandoned my faith in God, and it wasn't until I finally made it into the rooms of AA and then into treatment that I realized that He had not abandoned me, that in fact, it was the other way around.

If I can help one person in a similar situation, before they abandon hope completely, it will be well worth everything I went through to be at the place in my recovery and spirituality I am today.

Not that I'm any spiritual giant, mind you. I know I could slip and fall as easily as the next person, so I certainly don't want to be on any pedestal. I think the major difference today is that I know it's okay NOT to be some super saint to be of help to others, that it's really better for me to be real and honest and to admit my failings, missteps and character defects. If I'm real, complete with all my faults, it's much easier for someone who is struggling to relate to me and open up.

Today, that's my prayer. That for today, I will seek guidance from my Higher Power, that I will be honest and compassionate toward myself first, and being flawed but forgiven and pressing forward, I will be honest and compassionate toward others, and that I will see them through His eyes -- that I'll see some essence of God in everyone I meet, no matter how small.

We can't keep what we have if we don't give it away. I'm so grateful for the opportunities my HP is giving me to do that.

Open Windows

Just a super-quick update, because I've got to start getting ready for work.

I was only out of work for 2 weeks -- amazing in this economy! What's more amazing to me is that I didn't grow despondent. Of course, I went through some short bouts of depression and the "I suck, nobody will ever hire me" phase, but I was able to keep praying, keep talking, and keep actively seeking and following up on leads.

Long story short: I have a NEW JOB!!!! at another real estate company which specializes in luxury condominiums and estate homes, I'm making much more and get paid by salary, not hourly (although they pay extra if I work overtime!), and I'm learning TONS! It's in a beautiful location, right on the beach, so I can take a break and watch people surf, or roll up my pants legs and walk in the surf, if I want.

The only downsides are that I got the job partly because they had to fire the woman who normally would have trained me, and they had to hire a second assistant who is equally as green, if not more so, so we're the blind leading the blind, in a situation where we can't afford the luxury of not being up to speed. But, I feel as if things are starting to click, and I'm getting a handle on what my responsibilities are, and what I need to do to be a true asset to my employers.

God is indeed faithful! Thank goodness, too, that through my program of recovery, I am learning to deal with things as they come, and to rest in the knowledge that I never have to face anything alone, and that there is something to be learned when trials come. Staying open and trusting that things were in the hands of my HP, as long as I wasn't just sitting on my butt, were key to the peace of mind I had for those 2 weeks of joblessness.

I know 2 weeks isn't anything. I'm incredibly blessed to have gotten a job so quickly -- moreover, one that is better than the one I had -- and I am filled with amazement and gratitude.

Life on Life's Terms

Wow... Talk about getting hit hard from out of the blue. I definitely am not feeling the full impact yet. I feel numb, and that's fine for now.

This afternoon, my 2 bosses called me into their office at about ten after 5:00 to tell me they had come to a decision to let me go. "Nothing personal... we're so happy with you and your work... you're a kind, caring person..." and so on. They say they're $60 grand in the hole with payrolls right now, and since the market has taken such a nosedive, they've had to look for ways to cut expenditures, and my job is the most expendable.

I know what they're saying is true. I work in a real estate business, and we're definitely being hit by the economy and the housing market in general. But part of me can't help but wonder, What if I'd just worked harder and been more positive and willing to do anything they asked with nary a complaint? What if I had just logged my 40 hours I was hired to do and never put in all the overtime necessary to actually do my job and do it well? What if I hadn't had to occasionally take time off to go to therapy during the week? Maybe I do bear some responsibility in their choosing my job as the one to cut.

But then, one of my bosses called as soon as I got home to make sure I was okay, and to offer a tangible lead and her personal help in finding another position for me. And, they both hugged me and cried before I left today, too, and asked me if they could help in any well, saying they'd write letters of recommendation, or whatever I needed. So maybe it's not me.

My first thought -- and I'm so grateful for this! -- was "When God closes a door, He opens a window." I kept repeating it to myself over and over, like a mantra. I did think about drinking, but only for a moment, and the thought immediately launched the "play it through" scenario.

Of course, that's still where my alcoholic mind wants to take me when faced with a crisis, or any situation in which I feel off balance or uncomfortable or just downright scared to death: the thought that a drink will help. But it stops there, usually, and I almost automatically start playing the thought through to its consequences and realize how ludicrous it is.

How cool, though, that it wasn't my first thought, or even my second, that instead, I began silently and consciously communicating with my Higher Power! What a gift it is to realize that He is with me and will see me through this. Even though mine is the only income coming in to our household right now, and even though we are at our lowest point financially in years, I really do know that with the help of my Higher Power, I will walk through this, and come out safely on the other side, and who knows what opportunities may be in store for me?

So, I'm still a little in shock, a little sad, and a little scared, but my overwhelming sense right now is that I'm right where I'm supposed to be, and I'm eager to see what God has planned.

I just hope this attitude lasts! I'll keep you keep you posted, but right now, I need to get to a meeting.