The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Haven't blogged in soooo long, and darn it, I MISS it.  I'm a sporadic journaler, a sometime tweeter and a fickle facebooker, but I've been blogging off and on for over 6 years now, and it is the one thing, the one PLACE to which I always return, at least to visit for a while.

As I've said before, this is the one place where I feel free to be me, to express all the joy, all the pain, all the beauty, all the ugliness that is part of who I am, or have been, or am becoming.  It's not always neat and pretty or easy to understand or slog through, and I need a place where it's safe to put it all out there without fear of reprisal or judgment.

This has been and continues to be that place.

Even if no one ever reads what I write, or comments on it, this is a place where I return, maybe not as often as I once did, but the chronicle of my journey is HERE.

The good, the bad, the ugly.

The days when I had sunk so low into depression, self-loathing and despair that I could not face the thought of going on at all.  The days before I got sober, when I so desperately WANTED to be sober, but also desperately FEARED what going through life unfiltered by the blissful numbing of alcohol would mean.

That first year, when every DAY I feared I would not make it to the magic 12-month mark.

The days since then as I have grown increasingly confident, and increasingly nonchalant and complacent, taking my sobriety for granted, which I know is a scary place to be...

This is my place of real.  My place of transparency and honesty.


I've toyed with the idea of deleting this blog, of starting a new blog where everyone in "real life" knows it's me, and I'm okay with that, but that's the whole point of blogging anonymously or at least pseudonymously, isn't it?

If everyone KNOWS it's me, how free am I to really BE me?

Omigosh.  That's some deep shi.... stuff.  I think I just blew my own mind.

OK. Later.

Or, rather SOONER than later.

We Will Not Regret the Past...But Can I Have a Do-Over?

*SIGH*

Just discovered something you should NEVER do on Facebook.

Search for your ex.

Especially "the one that got away."

You know.

The one relationship you really blew.

That if you had a chance to do over, knowing what you know now, you'd jump into that DeLorean without looking back.

He's handsome. Successful. Married to a gorgeous wife with 2 gorgeous kids.

That could have been my life... SHOULD have been my life... if only...

If only I hadn't cheated on him.

If only I hadn't been going through a major depressive episode during a good part of our relationship.

If only I hadn't told him about all the other guys before him, because that's when he really was shattered and the relationship was doomed.

Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda.

The past is the past.

The present is now.

The future is to be... what I choose to make it.

Would my life have been different if I hadn't screwed up that relationship? Would it have been better?

I don't know.

No one knows, and it's not important.

To think that way is dangerous and delusional.

The "if onlys" only lead to regret, resentment and discontentment.

So, I will leave the past behind. I will not regret it or shut the door on it, but I will leave it in the past.

The present is now. I can choose to find the beauty and joy this moment holds, or I can choose to be miserable and to wallow in the mire of inertia.

The future is to come. I can help shape my destiny by the choices I make today. I can set goals and take action to attain them. I can realize that no matter how miserable or regrettable my past may seem, it is filled with experiences I have learned from, that have shaped me, made me stronger.

So... I can choose to search out old loves on Facebook and wistfully dream of the life I MIGHT have had...

...OR, I can celebrate the present in which I'm married to a man I love and respect, who stood by me through the worst days and years of both our lives, and I can honor him and what we have and stop searching for who and what might have been.

Sounds like a no-brainer to me!

A Good Day

My 4.90 Kickbutt Miles Pathway to Peace

Today was a good day. 

I ran 4.90 miles.

It was hard.

It was hot.

I felt like puking.

But I DID IT!

Then, I went to evening church, followed by an evening meeting.

Came home, ate supper, and have been watching DVRed shows, Tweeting, and Facebooking.

And now Blogging!

I'm also doing laundry.

Oh, and we've had free HBO and CineMax all weekend!

Like I said...

...A Good Day.

A REALLY good day! :)

Running To Nowhere

I'm tired. Slept until 3:30 PM. I know it's part depression, part exhaustion, too much running, not enough healing in between workouts, etc.

When I awoke, I had a voice message from the HR person of the company I've now interviewed with twice for different positions. She said they had just posted another 30 hour position and I should apply for it right away.

Really?

So I can go through all the stress of the application process itself, having to explain in detail my 2 DUIs, the last of which occurred 20 years ago (oh, yes; they ask and tell you not to leave anything out!), then wait to hear if I get an interview, and then go through the stress of the interview itself, followed by the interminable waiting afterward until I hear (or don't) that they've hired someone else for it?

I'm tired and depressed. I know I should call the HR person before 5 PM and thank her effusively for the information and opportunity.

But I'm exhausted emotionally and physically.  My meds have run out and I don't have a refill, and haven't found a shrink here yet (laziness and inertia again) to get a new script for my antidepressants. I'm out of cigarettes, and I don't know if I have enough strength mentally and/or physically to go for an endorphin producing run.

I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel.

And I just want them to stop the damn thing so I can get off it.

Happy BirthdAAy To ME!

My, my... how time flies! Today is my 4th Sober Birthday. Yep, I'm FOUR YEARS SOBER TODAY!!

Yay me.

It's been a quiet, good day.

Hubby and I celebrated with Belgian waffles, real maple syrup and butter, and Harney's White Peach Tea. YUM!

Went to church this evening, so I missed the evening meeting and haven't had any cake.

Yet.

Working Girl?

Took a teller assessment test for a possible job with a bank yesterday and PASSED! Also had a call from HR about an hour ago, but we're playing phone tag right now so haven't actually spoken to her yet today.

I really need a job, and although this may not be THE one, it's definitely attractive, so I can't help being excited.  Have no idea about the pay, but I know they have benefits, reasonable hours, and it's close to home, so with the price of gas these days, that's definitely a factor.  Right now, we need to pay down our debt and replace at least one of our vehicles, so ANYTHING would help, and this is much better than just anything! 

Did I mention I'm excited?!?!

Plus, just passing the test and getting the call is such a boost to my deflated sense of self-worth after submitting so many resumes and applications with absolutely no response, except an automated one acknowledging reception of the submission.

So I'm just a LITTLE excited.

OMG! The HR person just called me back! I'VE GOT AN INTERVIEW SCHEDULED NEXT WEEK!!

Please keep me in your prayers! I know my Higher Power is in this entire situation and has my best interest at heart, so please pray that I will accept His direction and know that if this job isn't the one for me, He will lead me to the one that is.

xoxo

Cooking with Whine

I made Chicken Divan the other night.  I haven't made it in FOREVER, and definitely not since I got sober.  However, I needed to come up with a dish that could be frozen for a family with a new baby, and that's always been my old standby in situations like this.

So, I went to Kroger and shopped for all the ingredients.

Now, you need to understand that in the past, I've always used white wine or sherry in the sauce.  Not wanting to purchase the "real" thing, I purchased a small bottle of white cooking wine.  You're only supposed to use 3 tablespoons in the sauce, or 5 1/2, since I was increasing the recipe by half.  I put in the amount called for, and all you could taste was butter and plain flour. Yuck! So, I continued adding and adding more cooking wine, and it still turned out very disappointing.  My husband liked it okay, but I knew it wasn't nearly as good as what I used to make with real wine or sherry.

So, this is my dilemma: I love to cook, and in the past cooked a lot, and a lot of my favorite and most popular recipes called for wine.  I don't want to use "real" wine now, because, quite frankly, I think it's still too much of a temptation for me to have open in the house.  But, how do I cook and get the same quality of taste from recipes calling for wine when I can't, or won't, use it?

Any advice from other alkies would be greatly appreciated.  Meanwhile, I guess I just need to suck it up and quit whining.