A Happy Annivesary

Yesterday was my one year anniversary. I meant to blog yesterday, but never thought about it when I wasn't busy doing something else.

Yesterday was a "normal" Saturday for me. I got up at 7:30 and had my coffee, cigarette and quiet time. I had an appointment at 9:00 a.m. to get my hair deep conditioned and cut, and when I got home a little after 11:00, I made a smoothie to take with me on my way up to West Palm Beach where I go to outpatient therapy almost every Saturday. My appointment was at 3:00, so I made an appointment at 1:30 to have my nails done, the first chance I've had in 3 weeks.

I was at the outpatient building of the treatment center where I went last May by 2:45, so I went into the bookstore and talked with H, a friend I met while in residential care, who is the boyfriend of one of my best friends, K, who was in treatment with me the whole 4 1/2 months I was there, both in residential care and in sober living. I had spoken to K only a little eariler, while at the nail salon, and we are both excited because this coming Thursday, we will be among the celebrants receiving their medallions at the center's monthly alumni celebration.

My therapy session was good, but emotionally draining, as my therapist pointed out that I have allowed work to become my first priority to the detriment of my relationships, my sobriety, and my spiritual life. She was right, of course, but the truth hit hard, and I was exhausted by the time I left.

I drove the hour's drive home and decided to lay down for an hour or so, and had just begun to drift off when my cell phone rang It was my sponsor, calling to wish me a "Happy Anniversay." I shared with her what I'd confronted with my therapist's insight and help, and the steps we'd outlined for me to take in the next few weeks to get myself back on track. Of course, my sponsor was in total agreement, saying she needed to hear that, too, as she is in nearly an identical place. We talked for about half an hour, and planned to get together for dinner Monday, before our women's meeting.

By this time, it was almost 7:00m so I spent time with my husband and kitty, put in a load of laundry, and fixed dinner. We watched some television together, and then it was time for bed.

This is a day in my normal" life, my life in sobriety and recovery. It's not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. I mess up. I still get angry, scared, hurt, lonely and tired. I still can form a resentment quite easily and blame others for my emotional state. I still get lazy and lose my focus in working my program. I still can find "good" excuses not to go to meetings or call my sponsor or help others. I still can be too busy or too down or too tired to connect with my Higher Power. I still can hurt others, especially those closest to me.

The difference is that now I can go through the ups and downs and be aware of the emotions I feel instead of numbing or ignoring them. When I mess up, I can admit it and take responsibility for my actions, and take steps to work on the root character defect(s). I can listen to someone confronting me with the truth without immediately going on the defensive, and I know when it's someone who loves and cares for me, that they are motiviated by that love and care.

My life isn't perfect. I'm not perfect. Only my Higher Power is perfect, and if I abide in Him, He has promised to abide in me, directing, guiding, comforting, consoling, and challenging me to become more and more conformed to His image, until the day I meet Him face to face, and then I will be perfect at last.

Just a Receptionist

(I wrote this on March 9th, but never posted it here. I was going to start another blog about my new job, but don't know if that's something I want to commit to right now. Anyway, this is what I wrote, and I think it's very apropos to this blog!)

I’m just a receptionist. At age 51. Making $10 an hour.

And I love it! I love my job, I love my boss, and I love my life.

I couldn’t say that one year ago. A year ago, I was a rarely employed, unmotivated freelance web designer. I had no confidence in myself or my abilities and talents, and I certainly had no confidence that others would be able to see, acknowledge, and appreciate them.

A year ago, I wondered how many more years my life would go on with nothing to look forward to, nothing to get up in the morning for, nothing that brought me any joy.

Today, I remember feeling that way, and it both awes and scares me. Awes me because now I rarely have those moments of such deep despondence and despair that I would rather just not continue to live. I still get overwhelmed, but I think I’m learning to face what I fear and to what through it, not perfectly, but still coming out on the other side, knowing I’ve made it through. It does scare me though, because I know that if I again become unaware or nonchalant or negligent, I can get back there faster than I can imagine.

And I don’t want that.

I want this. This new life, this new chance, this beginning of a new journey. The saying goes that a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. That’s why I’m okay with a receptionist position and a receptionist pay level.

Because at least I’ve taken that first step back into life. And I only need to look ahead and take the next step and the next, being careful to be aware of my footing and any obstacles, but moving forward. Always moving forward.

"The Time Has Come..."

...the Guru said
"To talk of many things:
Of hats--and shirts--and spam comments--
Of CafePress--and Kings--
And why water cost forty bucks
Just because it's called "Bling."

Seriously, folks; this is not a terribly serious post. I AM frustrated with a certain person posting his unwanted comments, but short of moderating comments, there's little I can do except continue to ignore them. He has his opinions and his agenda, and obviously he thinks any of us who "buy into" the AA Program are unredeemable sinners going straight to hell. Okay, I know I'm giving him way too much attention here, which will undoubtedly throw fuel on his fire, but I personally HAVE a relationship with God, and depend upon Him for my recovery, so I don't know why I've been singled out for this person's crusade. If I DON'T end up where I think I will when I die, I'll be surprised, but at least I'll probably be in a different place than him, so it's all good.

On to the second item. Are you proud of your sobriety? Do you want to declare that you're in recovery to the world? Okay, well in light of the fact that we're Alcoholics ANONYMOUS, probably not. But, to wear to AA meetings or events, or just around the house, there are some pretty cool sober T-Shirts, hats etc. out there online at CafePress. They range from poignant to cute to serious to humorous to shocking; in other words, something for everyone! Here's my personal favorite, which I'd never have the guts to actually wear to a meeting, and here's the one I'm actually going to order!

And, last but not least... in the what will they think of next? category: seriously, people—$40 for a bottle of freakin' water??? Oh, BlingH20 also has some in PLASTIC bottles (no bling) for ONLY $24 a case! Wow -- that's a deal at twice the price!

I don't think so.

Well, at least not yet.

We Will Be Amazed . . .

. . . before we are halfway through.

WOW! Are those words ever true.

The Promises. Into Action.

They are coming true for me, and I'm nowhere NEAR halfway through!

Today, I have 9 and a half months sober and recovering, and I'm once again a productive, contributing member of society! Who knew?!

Last week, I heard from my sponsor about someone else in our Monday night meeting who needed a part-time receptionist, and by Friday, I'd talked to her about the position, updated and submitted my resume, interviewed, was offered and accepted the job! I started my new job this past Monday, and I LOVE it. I love having the structure in my life. I love feeling like I'm part of something and am able to contribute positively to a team effort. And I love saying things like, "I'll stop by the grocery store on the way home from work."

Life is good.

On top of this good news, my therapist (who is AWESOME) has made time in her schedule to see me on Saturday afternoons from now on.

Today:

• I'm connected to God (my Higher Power), and consciously make contact with Him every morning
• I have a JOB!
• I have a relationship with my husband, which is continuing to heal and grow
• I have friends inside and outside of the Program
• I have a closer relationship with my family
• I have the most amazing sponsor
• I have an awesome therapist
• I have peace and serenity which used to elude me
• I trust God with my future instead of needing to control it, or fear it

What more could a recovering alcoholic ask for?

Morning Meditations

When I first started coming to AA over 3 years ago, I was angry, resentful and bitter toward God (as well as toward a lot of other people, events, and circumstances in my life, past and present). The thing is, I didn't even realize it. I knew I was cut off, disconnected and dead spiritually, but I felt like God had abandoned me, turned his back on me, and I was too angry, depressed and mired in my disease to even know how to begin to make my way back to him, or even to have the desire to do so.

Even while I was still trapped in my distorted thinking and drowning in self-pity, self-loathing, and self-righteousness, God had NOT abandoned me, and was still working all things together for good on my behalf. Somehow, when I was finally ready to seek the help I needed to confront my alcoholism, he brought people into my life who sang the praises of a particular treatment center in West Palm Beach.

It was not a "Christian" treatment center, but one that took a holistic approach to recovery, focusing on the medical, relational, and spiritual components, incorporating them into the 12 Steps. I didn't want to go to a treatment center that looked upon alcoholism and addiction as a sin that I should be able to control, and I feared I might encounter that approach at places other than the one I chose.

I was exactly where I needed to be. My therapists and my spiritual counselors are women who were able to gently guide me into the realization that God had not abandoned me at all, and that he was only waiting for me to walk forward into his embrace. When this realization came, for the very first time, I finally understood what surrender is.

I don't have to carry the burden of my disease by myself. There is One who is always with me, always walking beside me, lightening the load.

And when I grow too weary to move another step, he is the One who carries me.

All By Myself (Don't Wanna Be)

I woke up this morning feeling almost hungover. I had a pounding headache centered behind my eyes, which throbbed even more every time I bent my head forward. In my first attempt to make coffee, I forgot to put the carafe under the filter cone, and coffee poured out all over the kitchen counter (thank God for paper towels!).

I haven't felt this way or been this clouded in the morning since I quit drinking, and I think I know why I woke up feeling like this today. Yesterday, after we ate a late breakfast of waffles with maple syrup, my husband left for a three-day conference up in Orlando. Left to my own devices, and having no one to prepare meals for, I munched on dark chocolate M&Ms, Wheat Thins, prepackaged jello and fruit, and then topped it off around 11:30 pm with some frozen yogurt. The only protein I had was a few bites of chicken, pulled off the remains of the rotisserie chicken we'd eaten the previous evening, and I had no veggies of any kind the entire day. This morning, my "hangover" was most likely a result of a virtually all sugar diet. It began to subside significantly after I drank a cup of coffee, which it just dawned on me was probably also a factor: caffeine deprivation. I usually drink anywhere from 3 to 6 cups of coffee a day, and I only had one yesterday morning.

Enough about that.

What I really need to get off my chest is this: This is the first time I've been alone for more than a few hours since I got sober in April. I was depressed and outright fearful yesterday, which probably contributed to my mindless junk food munching.

Not afraid of being without R. Afraid of being alone, with myself. It took me a while to identify my fear. At first, I thought it was just the memory of previous times R's gone out of town. His trips were something I looked forward to, because I could drink and veg out in front of the TV. I used to obsess about what I would drink, planning to try new wines and special cocktails, and usually just ended up drinking straight vodka. How would I handle it now that I'm not drinking? What if I ended up drinking? I'm so close to 9 months, and I sure don't want to blow it.

But then, I realized, it's not really that I'm afraid I'll drink. I mean, there's always that fear, at the back of my mind, and I think it's a healthy one that keeps me from becoming cocky and complacent. I know what I have to do, and I'm doing it (calling and meeting with my sponsor, talking about my fears, journaling, going to meetings, hanging with sober friends, going for my outpatient activities, etc.).

The greater and more honest fear is just being alone with myself. I've never enjoyed being alone, because being with myself used to be painful. I didn't like or love myself, and I couldn't stand being alone, but I didn't want to be around anyone else either. I couldn't believe anyone else really would like me, if they knew the real me, and always being "on" and maintaining the facade I presented to the world was exhausting. So, I isolated and drank and told myself I preferred being alone, and I even believed it for a long while.

Today, I need to learn how to enjoy being alone with myself, and this is actually a wonderful opportunity to do just that. And I'm not really alone. My Higher Power is always with me. I can be alone, and not be lonely. I can appreciate and develop my character strengths, while I continue to identify and work on my defects. I am beginning to love myself, and to even like myself, but it is indeed progress, not perfection at this point.

I am learning that I can just be, and that is truly one of the miracles of recovery.

Happy Sober New Year!

We just got back late last night from holidays spent first with R's and my family in Atlanta (Christmas), and then with my family in Raleigh (New Year's). We drove the entire way, which was 12 hours to Atlanta, 8 hours to Raleigh, and then 14 hours returning from Raleigh to South Florida. And I didn't want to drink or kill anyone!

Road trips used to make me REALLY crazy, but I'm finding that I can now relax and just be, and not feel (so) pressured to always be adhering to some imaginary schedule or someone's phantom expectations. Progress, not perfection. I've got so much work to do in preparation for my outpatient activities, and I'm anxious to get back to my meetings and reconnect with my friends here.

I did go to a fabulous meeting while in Raleigh (one I had visited while there at Thanksgiving) and felt right at home. I guess that will be my home-away-from-home meeting there! Cool.

One of the most amazing gifts of this program is my relationship with my parents, and their awareness, understanding and compassion for other alcoholics. Shortly after I finished my inpatient treatment, my Mama and Daddy were able to offer one of their employees, who has struggled with his alcoholism for years, the chance to enroll in a similar program. "C" had just returned home a couple of weeks prior to our visit, so when I saw him at my parents' office, I suggested we go to a meeting together, which we did. So now I have a buddy there, too! How cool is that?!

I have SO MUCH to be grateful for, and I AM grateful, as this year begins.

• No early morning guilt, shame and nausea.
• No wondering what I did or what I said the night before.
• Relationships that are changing, growing, and thriving.
• Trust being rebuilt.
• Real honesty.
• Appreciation for my family and their amazing love and patience.
• My friends (including my awesome sponsor) in the program.
• My family.
• My husband.
• The Promises.
• The Miracle.
• My growing relationship with my Higher Power, and my growing ability to trust Him.
• The certainty that my Higher Power loves and accepts me just as I am today, which means I can love and accept myself, imperfect as I am.
• Way too much to list here right now, but WOW!!!! What a great way to face the New Year. Sober, joyful and free!