Saturday, April 28, 2007

Tick Tock

The almost firm plan now is for me to enter treatment on Monday, May 7. We found out our sucky insurance won't cover ANY of the $24K it's going to cost (geez! that's almost $1000.00 per day!!), so we're just going to put in on AmEx and then liquidate some of my investment accounts to pay off the credit card. R says that this is probably a good time to do it, since the market's been high lately. I know nothing about investments, mutual funds, the stock market, etc., so this completely terrifies me. All I know is that we currently have no income and we're gonna be paying out a big chunk of change.

And, I don't know if it's really even necessary. Lately, the following thoughts keep running through my head:

Do I really need to go to rehab, if I haven't hit rock bottom yet? I'm doing okay going to meetings, I've got a terrific sponsor and I've actually started doing the assignments she's given me for step 1. What am I going to learn in treatment that is so much more insightful and valuable that I can't learn it through listening to people share in the rooms, talking to my sponsor, and reading? Isn't it incredibly self-centered and selfish of me to take 28 days just to work on myself? How in heck do I justify that, when I've already put such a strain on mine and R's relationship, not to mention our finances?

And the one I am loathe to admit:

What if I put 28 days of my life into trying to change my outlook, beliefs, behaviors, thinking patterns, what-have-yous, and I go back home and it's still the same as it's always been? How can I change and go back to a life in which I've been so chronically miserable that I've felt the need to numb myself just to get through a day of it? What if nothing else changes???

I'm scared of going, and I'm scared of not going. This fear is paralyzing me. I don't know how to cope with it, except to pray, go to meetings, and call my sponsor. These all feel like mere stop-gap measures to me, though. I feel like a ticking time bomb, and no one knows exactly when the explosion will occur, but everyone knows it's imminent.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Never Say Never

Well, it looks like I will be going to treatment (something I said I'd never do), but I'm actually kind of pumped about it. The place where R wanted me to go seemed to me not to be the best fit, so I started talking to some of my girls at the meetings I've been attending, and got some really positive feedback about one place in particular. They seem to be very proactive in addressing women's issues and how they impact and are impacted by alcohol addiction (such as menopause and depression), and this is something I've been very concerned about for a good while (actually, it was the original premise for this blog). They seem to be very holistic, too, addressing the spiritual side quite thoroughly.

I filled out and submitted a preliminary information form online yesterday, and today, talked to someone who took my intake information. The financial person is supposed to call me to let me know where things stand. I know our insurance sucks and won't cover much, but I have investments that can be liquidated to pay the balance, and since it's my life that's at stake, it seems to be the thing to do. So, I'll probably be going either next week or the week after for 28 days of residential treatment.

I've gotten a new sponsor, and I've started doing the 90 in 90 again. Somehow, my new sponsor was not aware until today that I was considering treatment (I've talked to so many people about it that I thought for sure I'd discussed it with her, but I guess I hadn't), so I don't know how that will affect the whole 90 in 90 thing, but we seem to be really connecting, which is different from my relationship with my first sponsor. We talked for about an hour on the phone this morning, and she's given me a first step assignment that seems actually doable and helpful, rather than just overwhelming busy work.

I may be getting a part time design job, too. I'm meeting with a woman from one of my women's meetings tomorrow to discuss it. It would only be a few hours a week, but it would be steady. I told her about the treatment issue, and she says it's no problem for me to start once I get back.

I am really seeing God at work in the ways that things have started coming together. I had to put forth a little effort (calling my friend to ask her about the treatment center I was interested in, asking someone to be my new sponsor, letting it be known that I'm looking for work, etc.), but once I did, things have just started clicking.

Things do seem to be looking up, but, boy, is it a long way to the top from here!

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Taking Home the Bronze

I ran my first 5K race this morning, and amazingly, placed third in my age group, with a time of 27:33.1, at a pace of 8:53 minutes per mile. Not fantastic, but not too shabby for the first time, either. I am ecstatic!

I have a pretty, shiny medal to show off, but infinitely more important is the satisfaction I've received in having accomplished something I had set as a goal, and giving it my best effort.

I would post a photo, but ants got in our digital camera and ruined the lens, so I'll have to wait until I can get a disposable film camera, or convince my husband that we need to go ahead and spring for a new digital.

Today I'm grateful for:
  • Setting a goal and accomplishing it

  • My value as a human being is not measured by my accomplishments

  • I look great in bronze

  • Being fit and strong

  • My supportive husband who got up at 5:00 AM to take me to the race, and stayed to cheer me on

  • Strong encouragement and support from my AA home group when I re-surrendered the night before last

  • Fantastic meetings both Thursday and Friday evenings

  • Forgiveness

  • Love

  • Hope

  • Joy

  • Faith

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Tailspin

I've been drinking again. Binge drinking. On March 5, March 28 and 29, and April 9. The worst was the last time. I was in North Carolina, staying with my parents. Driving my mother's minivan. I went to the mall to return/exchange some items. I was leaving to return home the next day. Happy, exhilarated, a little apprehensive about how to tell R how much money I'd spent at Ann Taylor.

I wanted a martini. A strawberry martini from The Cheesecake Factory, to be exact. No real planning, but no action to stop the thought from becoming a plan once it started. I went in, and ordered one. It was delicious. I paid, tipped and left. Got in my Mama's Windstar and drove around the block. Parked. Went back in and had two more. All I had eaten all day was one Clif bar and a tablespoon of some leftover meat/bean taco filler my sister had made, and I had run for 40 minutes that morning.

Then I went to Food Lion and bought wine. The rest is kind of a blur. I do remember my mother asking me if I was drunk, and my responding with an indignant, incredulous What????, but beyond that just bits and pieces. My sister and her family were there, too, including four of my nieces and nephews.

R is trying to get me into a rehab facility. I am mostly numb. Sometimes sad, sometimes angry (mostly at myself). Very depressed. Very regretful and remorseful. I am so not where I want to be, and I have only myself to blame.

I went to a meeting last night. Will go to my home meeting and white chip tonight. I dread facing my home group and their seeing my failure, but if I don't, I'll just drink again, eventually.

I don't know how to face my family. I wish I'd had the courage to share with them that I was facing my addiction to alcohol and going to AA, but I didn't, so now it's come out in a way that can only have frightened, bewildered and angered them. I've completely blown their trust, which took years to rebuild with my parents after my wild teenage and early adult years.

Somehow, though, I am relieved that my "secret" is out. There really is truth in the statement that "we're only as sick as our secrets." If I'd been forthright and honest... well that's really just water under the bridge now.