Yeah.
That's the expression on my face when one unexpectedly hits me square in the jaw and sends me reeling.
I can deal just fine with the inadvertent remarks from acquaintances who don't know me or my history or personality well.
Just acknowledge I'm miffed, that it's my reaction to my entire life's experiences, and was not meant the way I perceived it.
Blow it off.
Blow the acquaintance off if he or she turns out to be an insensitive jerk who likes to put others down on a regular basis.
It stings, but it doesn't last, and doesn't mean anything in the long run.
But, it's majorly different when it's my spouse of thirty-three years. Who knows how I've struggled with feelings of inadequacy and fear of failing since early childhood
Who knows those issues were a huge factor in my becoming an alcoholic.
I clearly DON'T have a handle on this yet. An offhand remark or joking (seriously?) jab or comment can still blindside me and send me into a tailspin of doubt, depression, anger, and resentment.
24 hours later, I'm sitting here not having answers.
Clearly, talking through it hasn't worked. Posting a humorous version of our initial exchange on Facebook only made HIM mad, and embarrassed him.
I deleted it. But it was out there for a number of hours.
When it was stll on Facebook, I could let go of the anger a little.
Deleting the post brought it back to rage level.
I try not to go there, but I did raise my voice and express how his comment impacted my feelings.
I apologized for the outburst and even kissed him goodnight (you know: don't let the sun go down on your anger...)
Now, I just feel sad, confused, and depressed.
But, the anger is seething just below the surface. I can feel it rising up, and every time I tamp it back down, I sink with it just a little more.
Because the one I depend on for love, support, and encouragement just yanked those things out from under me.
Not really.
I know he loves me, and he IS supportive and encouraging a lot of the time.
Yet, my perception of his remark made me doubt not only my competence and capabilities, it made me doubt my worth and value.
As a person, but more significantly, as a wife and partner.
It's one thing to joke about my clumsiness, or my lack of mathematical skills. I poke fun and laugh at myself all the TIME, and humorously share my mishaps with him.
After all, we both love a good laugh, even at our own expense.
I think that what really hurts in this case is, at its core, I am left wondering what prompted the remark.
He's so reserved, even reticent, it's difficult to know just what he thinks of me.
I dread discovering I've disappointed him in some way, that he's dissatisfied with our life together, that I'm not the wife he needs and deserves.
I don't have answers or solutions at this.point.
At least, processing some of it here has allowed me to understand my confoundment a little more.
And relinquish the rage.
What do we say in recovery?
"This, too, shall pass."
