I appreciate so much the comments some of you have made, and the fact that you haven't preached at me, but have pointed out what I've known in my heart, but have been trying to ignore on an emotional and intellectual level.
I can't do this on my own. I don't even have the desire or the will to do it, especially by myself. I have to get back into AA, even though I still have reservations about some of the clichés and rhetoric and rituals that go along with it. I'm also put off by a few of the people I've met there (it's such a diverse group that there are just some people that rub me the wrong way, and I know I probably rub a few the wrong way, too).
But you know what the real truth is? I can't stand the thought of having to face the reality that I can never drink again if I truly want to beat the hold that alcohol has on me, and the way I'm letting it control me and ruin my life.
Because deep down—and I know I'm not alone in this—I want to be a person who can drink “normally,” even though I KNOW this isn't possible EVER. I still want it, though. How do I make this transformation from what I know intellectually, to what I believe, and embrace, and desire??
But maybe, that's not what is important right now.
6 comments:
Here's a thought I had when I read this post.
There a whole lot more people in the bars, clubs etc... who I didn't like to be around than there are people in AA that I don't like to be around. Plus, the peeps in AA are much more likely to want good things for ME than the peeps in the bars.
AA is just a part of life. We can't escape being around humans of every type. AA helps teach me how to be around people I don't care for, and to not let them make me crazy.
Hope this makes sense.
Amen, dAAve! It's just one of those excuses I've been using to avoid doing what I know I need to do.
The real problem isn't other people. It's me, and not wanting to be honest about what's at the bottom of it all: The fact that I HATE having to admit to myself and others what is true: I'm an alcoholic, I will always be one, and I will NEVER EVER be a normal drinker (so stop whining already, right?).
Hey DG. I am so glad to see that you are back and blogging. I have been catching up on your posts since the last time I read.
Already I can relate to so much of what you are writing. The first time I ever heard that someone of my kind could never drink again, forever, I started flippin' out in my head. Whhhattt, what about Christmas, Halloween, birthdays, just when I want to kick it at home???? Um, yah, I did not see that when I drank, it was NEVER fun. I hurt so much when I drank.
I was told one time by a beautiful spiritual mentor that this was the only thing that I could not "think" myself out of. So much was (and is) said to me -- it takes me a little bit of time to get it.
I think that soon you will realize the impact your story and experiences will have to others -- and in turn you will find acceptance in your truth. Yes you are not alone. And your weaknesses, as you deem them today, are your greatest assets. This all takes time. If it did not, then there would be a lot of drunks out there getting the gift of Sobriety and more over, relief from self.
Have you tried any other AA meetings? In my experience there are not so good meetings -- seems like a bar with no alcohol, meat markets, sick people spreading sick messages. I had to visit different meetings to find what worked for me. You too will find this. Reading your post I feel that you have the most important thing -- willingness. Whether it is an ounce or a gallon, a little will - will take you a looooong way.
PS
It was suggested to me to start writing gratitude list -- I was in a funk and had an old behavior pop up. I cannot tell you how much strength I have gained by doing so. I had to discover it for myself though, as anyone does. :) Keep it strong, we are trudging right along with you.
Oops, as I just got done preaching to you. I'm reading your posts in reverse chronological order.
Ah, but to drink normally. Sadly, that is now history:
Italian Restaurant
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Without Wax,
SincerelySober.blogspot.com
An honest, live, interactive self-portrayal of one man's quest of recovery
Warning: Preaching follows...
If people that rub you the wrong way put you off, consider yourself in their place a few years from now. That will be you if you continue to relapse. Scrooge that into your scull, Ebenezer.
--
Without Wax,
SincerelySober.blogspot.com
An honest, live, interactive self-portrayal of one man's quest of recovery
SS: I read your post about the Italian Restaurant last night. Man, can I relate to that. While most of the time, I drank to get drunk, I also really enjoy the taste of wine and beer and could sometimes drink them in moderation. My "addictive voice" (for lack of a better term) keeps trying to tell me that someday, maybe that's possible, but I know it's not. Thanks for sharing that story. It was so honest, and I'm sure, so relevant to the experience of all of us, if we are honest, too.
SC: Thanks so much for your comments. You have a LOT of wisdom, and I really appreciate what you've said. I'm amazed that I'm already seeing a change in my attitude through doing the gratitude lists. I think it just kicks my mind in the butt, and reminds me that there is so much good going on, despite all the screwing up that I've done.
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