My last several "slips" have been just that, not lasting more than a day, and with at least a week in between. I'm not proud that I'm still slipping, but being at a beginners meeting tonight helped me to see that this behavior is not that unusual. I'm just really frustrated with myself, because I know what I need to do (90 in 90, get a sponsor, work the steps, etc., etc.). I know it in my head, and I want to do it... eventually.
What's really worrying me now, though, is that I seem to have lost the DESIRE to stop drinking. Even in the meeting tonight, I was thinking about how much I'd like to have a glass of wine, and then when I went to the grocery store afterward to pick up cold medicine for my poor, sick hubby, I wandered down the wine aisle. I didn't buy any alcohol, but I could have. And I did last night, and a week before that.
What the hell's wrong with me? Oh, that's right: I'm an alcoholic, but I like pretending I'm NOT one. And when I try pretending I'm not an alcoholic, I start drinking, to prove to myself that I can control it, that I'm normal. Only I'm not, and I never will be. Why can't I accept that truth once and for all?
On the bright side, I think I've found the meeting that will be my new home meeting. It's about 5 blocks from my house, it meets EVERY day, most meetings are geared toward beginners, and the people are freakin' AWESOME!! At least 6 people introduced themselves to me before the meeting, and more afterward. I'm excited about going back. And as long as I'm going to meetings, I don't drink.
Now, if I could only stop the 3-step shuffle...
16 comments:
It's a day at a time.
In my early days it was sometimes an hour at a time.
Step 1, Step 1, Step 1, Step 1, Step 1, Step 1.
It'll happen for you when it's right for you and you want and need it bad enough.
Meantime, just do your best.
That was a brave post - thanks for the share. You have honesty, so you CAN recover...
Take it easy.
K
Wow, Kenny pretty much said it all.
Just remember one thing, we are always here, but there may be a time you may not be able to make it back to us. Just a thought.
Please be careful. You never know what slip may take you out all the way. I will say a prayer for you and keep going to meetings no matter what. Any and all conditions. Normal drinkers don't even think about proving they are normal. Think of it like this. When was the last time you said "I am going to prove I am a normal broccoli eater." That is how a normal drinker thinks of booze. This disease is life and death. It will take you. I have seen it. It will try to tell you it is OK. Focus on step one. As said above ... step one step one step one. Every day ask God to help you not drink. I had to do it five minutes at a time somedays.
With love for my fellow drunk,
G~
((((hugs))))
You just beautifully nailed the difference between ADMITTING you're an alcoholic and ACCEPTING you're an alcoholic.
It took me awhile to accept, too. I didn't WANT to be an alcoholic, which of course is insanity -- who WANTS any disease they're dealt? Even before I accepted I'm an alcoholic I accepted that I had to stop drinking.
This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful ... and as a friend says, it's also patient, sneaky and fatal. Your disease will dismiss your slips as little and unimportant.
But you're telling on yourself, which is GOOD GOOD GOOD!
I'm so happy for you that you found a kick-ass home group!
I didn't mean to be flippant or imply that I think the slips aren't serious, or that I'm just dismissing them, or that they can't take me out. I KNOW that, and I'm scared. It's just so discouraging to still be at this point, almost a year after going to my first AA meeting in 20-odd years. I really was just trying to "tell" on myself, which I think you all got. This is just really hard, because I want to be where y'all are in this, and yet I keep fucking everything up. I know I have to do the work to get there, but somehow, I've lost that motivation.
I want to be honest here, but sometimes it's so hard, knowing that I have people out there reading this who are going to be disappointed, and who may just get disgusted enough to quit kicking my ass. Please dont' stop doing that. I need it.
Designer Girl: no one will judge you. You're probably doing a good job of being harder on yourself than anyone here ever will be.
I never use the word 'slip'. It's too nicey-nicey, IMHO. It's a 'relaspe' and relapses can kill.
In my first year three people in the town AA meetings I went to died from relapse - all were women, all were in their 30s. One had been sober for years. So, it's not just you and me, Designer Girl, in our early days who need to be vigilant and careful. It applies to all alkies. Please be kinder to yourself.
You're on my prayer list. Be cool. Roll with each sober hour. It does get easier. Honest. No sh*t. It really, really does...
:-)
K .x.
Just pray and go to meetings. Don't walk down the liquor aisle. The disease will tell you *anything* in order to get liquor. You will not comprehend the insanity of it until you have been sober a good while, then you will sit back and say, "Holy sh^%!" That's totally insane!" and have a moment of gratitude that you were able to escape it's clutches.
If you don't like praying bring some Shakespeare and memorize that! At least you'll be getting wiser. hehe...
Damn.
Damn.
Damn.
They already said everything.
I surrender.
And I win.
Keep on prayin girl. It will stick. Keep on asking God to remove the obsession to drink. It is such a f-ed up disease we all have. (((hugs))) and a *muah* *muah*
No judgements here ~ just love and compassion to you.
That was a great post you left over at Sincerely Sober, DG. :-)
You moving forward and maybe you don't realise it yourself...yet!
You reached out and thought of a.n.other still suffering alcoholic. You freely gave away something you had.
Well done. :-)
Have a safe and sober day.
warm regards from a sunny London town
K
STEP 1: Admit you are powerless over alcohol.
I would beat myself up pretty badly when I would "slip". It seemed SO easy, right, just don't drink. Sounds simple, but obviously it's not.
In the last year I stopped my daily binging on vodka and switched to red wine and even managed to drink only a bottle every week, then every two weeks. I still got the same bad results. When I fully understood the gist of what powerless meant I realized I had to surrender completely to sobriety rather than the bottle.
It's a real relief that surrender.
Hey there!
Read my latest post, I feel exactly the same way. I just took a drink two nights ago... and the biggest thing for me is how insanely guilty I feel, about how I let everyone down, and now I don't want to tell anyone... ya know what I mean??
Jonathan
Hi,
This is my first time visiting your blog but I can relate to the slippery road thing for I have done that myself this past week but it was over a man. I'm still feeling a little icky but I'm doing the next best thing by attending a meeting. Hang in there girl! We will have slips here and there with or without a drink, life does happen and as it says in the BB our desease is cunning, baffeling and powerful! You are doing outstanding by recognizing it, do some journaling around it. Take care!
Karen :-)
I am sorry if you told us already but, do you have a sponsor.
I like what Gwen said about normal drinkers not having to prove their normal. Most people aren't nearly as honest as you have been. Keep trying. You'll get it.
Just stopped in to say hello~
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