I am angry and resentful.
There's no getting around it. That's what it is.
I'm angry that when my parents came, my husband didn't spend any time doing stuff and going places with us because he was so immersed in completing an assignment which he finally gave up on the day they left.
Coincidence? Seems suspicious to me...
I resent his self-centeredness and self-absorption, which he doesn't acknowledge, and probably can't even see.
I'm angry that the day after they left, he called HIS mother and arranged for her to come for a visit, which is very conveniently going to coincide with his semester break.
I'm so angry about this entire situation, because it so overwhelmingly typifies the dynamics of our relationship.
I'm angry and resentful that HIS goals, HIS agenda, HIS plans are the only ones that matter, and that he doesn't care if their achievement results in the disruption and absolute upheaval of our lives.
I'm angry that I don't matter in the equation, and I deeply resent his selfishness.
So, how do I handle the anger, the resentment, the resulting bitterness? Do I talk to him? No.
In my defense, talking doesn't seem to get us anywhere. He won't see things from my perspective, and immediately goes on the defense, even when I take great care and pain NOT to accuse and berate him.
So, instead, I find reasons not to have sex with him when he tries to initiate it for the first time in months (literally). I keep buying things online, even though I know he'll find out and be angry (both the need to fill the emotional void, and striking out against him are involved there, I guess) and our financial situation is precarious at best. I stay up at night until 2:00 or 3:00 AM, watching shows I've TiVoed, and I sleep until 10:00 or 11:00 AM every morning.
This is S0 MUCH a part of why I began to drink again 8+ years ago. Not only did drinking numb my feelings of hurt, disappointment, anger, rejection, abandonment, loss, grief, etc., but it also was a way for me to punish HIM, and a way for me to scream without using my voice, "Look at what the fuck is going on here! Don't you realize or care how fucking miserable I am????"
The problem is, it didn't work that way, in ANY way that helped our relationship. And that made me want to numb the pain even more, the pain that became even greater with the knowledge that he couldn't or wouldn't see beyond the action and realize that something in our lives needed to change.
14 comments:
Your head is trying to kill you. I suggest you get yourself to a low bottom recovery home and find a newcomer to focus on. With almost 90 days you have something to offer. If you cannot let go of "self" this disease will kill you. The truth is you may not be done drinking. But if you are, stop arguing with everything and everybody and let the spirit of the sunlight guide you. Many will die during this Christmas season. Many more need help. You have a choice today. I pray you have a moment of clarity. We love you, but the choice is yours.
Thanks, tons. This response is exactly why I usually edit and censure myself when posting.
I just need to be honest. It doesn't mean I'm in danger of drinking.
If I can't fucking express how I feel honestly, without someone, no matter how well-intentioned, jumping down my throat about it, then fuck it to hell. I'll just quit blogging.
Please don't stop blogging, there is a lot of experience strength and hope here if you want it. I'm sorry if I mis-read your posts last week...I thought they said you wanted to drink. My comments are offered with compassion, not as an attack. I am an alcoholic. This is a WE program. I stay sober by reaching out.
I appreciate your intentions, and your compassion.
And, you're correct about what I wrote last week. But, just because I may WANT to drink doesn't mean I'm GOING to drink, and I think your previous comment just infuriated me because I feel like I'm in a Catch 22 situation.
If I can't say "I want to drink" when I'm definitely feeling that pull, then that means I have to keep that thought inside my head, where it is VERY dangerous, as it grows and becomes more reasonable, rational and probable.
If I go ahead and expose it, and the reasons behind it, it's out there. It's revealed. It is no longer hiding inside my head. It's in the light of day, and instead of being a big, ugly, scary monster hiding in the closet of my mind, it's just a pathetic, (albeit still ugly) little bug that can be crushed and destroyed quite easily.
You've been sober a very long time. I seriously doubt you never had a similar thought or a struggle or two along the way, if you'll think back to your first 90 days.
oh yes I had them, they are awful... I was so angry (ex used to come and slap me around) scared (was up on grand larcency charges) all I could think about was drinking and using. And then it happened. My relapse was ugly. Now when I think about it I immediately try to get out of my own head and get to a recovery home and work with the "low-downs". I just thought it might help you. I share my experience because it saved my life. I might drink tomorrow. Don't kid yourself, you might drink tomorrow too. This is a disease. We are powerless.
You are going to hate hearing this, but you have to pray for him. And pray lots. Resentments will kill you. The only way I got rid of resentments was through prayer. I did not believe at first but knew my sponsor well enough to follow his suggestion. (He more or less said if you don't do this you'll be miserable and drnk) So I did. Hated it the whole time but lo and behold. Peace, serenity and joy. This shit works if you work it.
So let me quote the Nike commercial. Just do it!
Jeez, Hon. WILL YOU EVER JUST SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW DOWN?
Your head is resembling mine on one of my 'special' days.
you're managing the 'Joneses'? Good. You're getting to meetings? Good.
Breathe In. Breathe Out. ;-)
I got myself into that blog-dilemma space a couple of weeks ago. I felt I was only posting negative stuff about my eyes. I stopped. And started again. And felt better for it.
You write what you want. I'll keep reading. As will the others.
Pray for those causing you anger and pain. Get on your knees (baby) and pray. Do it. try it. And then try harder. Talk to yourself, talk to the empty room. Sometimes that's all my praying ever is.
Keep at it. I'm rooting for you.
(((hug)))
x
:-)
I want a drink almost every day. One day I'll probably have one - and you're right, it's far better to admit to those feelings than hide them away and pretend that everything is going swimmingly.
Drinking is a symptom, and giving up drinking is just alleviating a symptom, not tackling the cause. It sounds like you're identifying some of the causes of your drinking and that awareness is what's going to help you with the symptoms.
Keep blogging, keep letting off steam. I'll be reading. :)
Hey girl... I am sensing some anger and resentment ;-) It's good to get your feelings out where you can see them. And it's even better to get them out where people who loves and understand you can see them (that would be us out here in blogger-ville). I don't know anything at all about your situation so I am not about to be irresponsible enough to suggest that you leave your husband! However, I know enough about my own recovery to know that early sobriety is insane with raw nerve endings, cravings, dreams, moods, mood swings and feelings we've stuffed for years. My experience (along with many long-time sober people in AA) have taught me not to make any major decisions when I am super-smokin emotional. I have learned to let my emotions calm down a bit and share my stuff with people I trust before making any big decisions. As for marriages and what not, I love what Dr. Paul says in Dr., Alcoholic, Addict (3rd ed. Big Book of AA, starting on p 449.) Where he talks about AA telling him not to change his marriage, but to change himself and see what comes of things then. Now, I don't mean to suggest that you become a doormat and conform yourself to his wishes... I guess what I am saying is work on Designer Girl regardless of what hubby does. In other words, you can learn to be reasonably happy with yourself, regardless of others...
I too share your feelings sometimes, I mean I could really relate to what you wrote about him being self centered and what not... My wife is a bit on the stubborn side and sometimes quite near-sighted when it comes to noticing others feelings or needs and I find myself quite resentful of that as well. And to make things even more fun, I am paying for the indiscretions of her past husband, since she has yet to really work through all of those resentments. But, I always have to focus on my part, focus on how much it affects my recovery. It has become quite important to me not to give away my serenity to the moods and actions of those around me.
Hang in there girl, no need to edit, great share, keep bloggin, keep going to those meetings and remember, no one can MAKE you pick up a drink. No one is even remotely close to worth your recovery, your sobriety... Don't give it away just cuz your pissed at your husband for being a butthead... And msot of all, remember, you're never, ever alone in this thing, ever... we're here for ya, as is your sponsor and I especially love Meg's advice about finding a newcomer to work with... that'll really take the edge off the craving and your own insanity!
peace be with you!! sorry for the long comment...
Early sobriety is hard. You are doing good. Just keep at it. Pray, Pray, Pray. And I will be praying for you too.
Don't know what to say here, so many things I'd like to share...
I feel like having a drink too... Today, I don't think I will though... just thinking of that hang-over the next morning is enough to keep me from picking up.
I know there is alot going on with me which is mostly all in my head, that needs to be let go... the question is how long do I want to suffer? Probably a while yet, I am one stubborn guy!
Ah the insanity in my mind ;)
I am sure you will be ok, I love reading your posts, so keep it up!
Jonathan
hey! what you just described is like a mirror image of me and my feelings a couple of months ago. and you made it too. wow. congrats!
I love this post. I totally relate. The boyfriend thing, the resentment. Yep. I've been so freaking bitter the last week or two. Really mean, controlling-- basically to sum it up: SICK. I have 2 years clean and thought I got past these behaviors for the most part because they hadn't popped up in a long time. Wishful, perfectionist, egotistical thinking.
Anyway, writing about this kind of stuff is really helpful, I've found, especially later when you can go back to it and see the situation much more clearly. You learn a lot.
Keep up the good work!
Enough of this AA jargon and b.s. You dont need to pray, or have a "higher power" to get sober. Just don't drink or use for today, and feel all the anger and resentment you want. If you feel it, and post it, it will subside. Good luck, but I'm NOT praying for you! ;)
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