Sunday, April 13, 2008

A Happy Annivesary

Yesterday was my one year anniversary. I meant to blog yesterday, but never thought about it when I wasn't busy doing something else.

Yesterday was a "normal" Saturday for me. I got up at 7:30 and had my coffee, cigarette and quiet time. I had an appointment at 9:00 a.m. to get my hair deep conditioned and cut, and when I got home a little after 11:00, I made a smoothie to take with me on my way up to West Palm Beach where I go to outpatient therapy almost every Saturday. My appointment was at 3:00, so I made an appointment at 1:30 to have my nails done, the first chance I've had in 3 weeks.

I was at the outpatient building of the treatment center where I went last May by 2:45, so I went into the bookstore and talked with H, a friend I met while in residential care, who is the boyfriend of one of my best friends, K, who was in treatment with me the whole 4 1/2 months I was there, both in residential care and in sober living. I had spoken to K only a little eariler, while at the nail salon, and we are both excited because this coming Thursday, we will be among the celebrants receiving their medallions at the center's monthly alumni celebration.

My therapy session was good, but emotionally draining, as my therapist pointed out that I have allowed work to become my first priority to the detriment of my relationships, my sobriety, and my spiritual life. She was right, of course, but the truth hit hard, and I was exhausted by the time I left.

I drove the hour's drive home and decided to lay down for an hour or so, and had just begun to drift off when my cell phone rang It was my sponsor, calling to wish me a "Happy Anniversay." I shared with her what I'd confronted with my therapist's insight and help, and the steps we'd outlined for me to take in the next few weeks to get myself back on track. Of course, my sponsor was in total agreement, saying she needed to hear that, too, as she is in nearly an identical place. We talked for about half an hour, and planned to get together for dinner Monday, before our women's meeting.

By this time, it was almost 7:00m so I spent time with my husband and kitty, put in a load of laundry, and fixed dinner. We watched some television together, and then it was time for bed.

This is a day in my normal" life, my life in sobriety and recovery. It's not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. I mess up. I still get angry, scared, hurt, lonely and tired. I still can form a resentment quite easily and blame others for my emotional state. I still get lazy and lose my focus in working my program. I still can find "good" excuses not to go to meetings or call my sponsor or help others. I still can be too busy or too down or too tired to connect with my Higher Power. I still can hurt others, especially those closest to me.

The difference is that now I can go through the ups and downs and be aware of the emotions I feel instead of numbing or ignoring them. When I mess up, I can admit it and take responsibility for my actions, and take steps to work on the root character defect(s). I can listen to someone confronting me with the truth without immediately going on the defensive, and I know when it's someone who loves and cares for me, that they are motiviated by that love and care.

My life isn't perfect. I'm not perfect. Only my Higher Power is perfect, and if I abide in Him, He has promised to abide in me, directing, guiding, comforting, consoling, and challenging me to become more and more conformed to His image, until the day I meet Him face to face, and then I will be perfect at last.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Happen Fricken Anniversary / Birthday. OMG how excited I am for you. I knew you were struggling with me and when you wrote I could totally relate to the pain, shame, guilt and all that comes along with being seduced by the bottle. Now look at you, facing fears, walking forward, growing! Soooooo exciting, it helps me to walk forward as well.

I am venturing onto 7 mo now. I can relate to a lot of what you share. Today we get to face reality, and instead of creating new wreckage we get to clean up old and fine tune some defects. It is very humbling, and being human is precious.

Thanks for sharing your BD, congrats again!

Anonymous said...

"I knew you were struggling with me"

I meant struggling with getting sober during the time I was. I have a cast on so typing is kind of annoying. Oh well, acceptance yes :)

ms. fits chicago said...

I've been reading your blog since I got sober (Sept 26, 2007), and it's good to read about your one-year. Congratulations!

Shadow said...

congratulations on your 1 year! whatever you're feeling, that is great!

and even though you're feeling up and down and inside out at times, everyone does, and you know exactly what it is and how to deal with it. good going girl!

dAAve said...

I'm delinquent in dropping by, but ...

CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I remember 2 years ago, here on your blog, when you were ready to just give up.
How far you have come. You ARE a miracle.

Grace said...

I've not been around, but wanted to congratulate you, a fantastic achievement and encouragemtn indeed!

Scott W said...

It's been a while since I dropped by. Happy Birthday! That is such great news. I love it when someone reaches that first anniversary. IT'S HUGE!!!

Mary Christine said...

So glad to see that you are continuing on this beautiful road of sobriety.

Karen said...

Congrats on your one year...read some bits and pieces of your blog and enjoyed it. Can so relate to what you are going through...I'm five years so keep it up...it gets better

The Sober Alcoholic Soldier said...

I just wanted to say congratulations on one year. I am new to sobriety and blogging, so this has been a interesting journey so far. I will be celebrating my 30 days this sat. I can't wait too. Anyway have a great day. Take care.

molly said...

congrats to 1 year!! woohhoooo!!!

Shadow said...

happy 4th of july oh silent one...

steveroni said...

Time takes time, they say...and when you've been sober, etc., one year, you generally know how much TIME a YEAR is -grin- and congratulations on your anniversary, even though I don't (well, I DO!) know you.
Steve E.

steveroni said...

BTW...ALSO SW FL, anonymouslt spelled Nap**s! Ha!
Steve E.

The Boozeness said...

Wow, well done. You've just done what I'm on a mission to do! Well done. I'm adding you to my blog roll.

The Boozeness
ayearoffthebooze.blogspot.com

richierich said...

congrats on your one year...im almost there.

richierich said...

congrats on your one year...im almost there.