Monday, July 12, 2010

My Last Addiction

NOTE: This is the first post in a new blog I started, My Last Addiction... I thought it appropriate to share here as well, since it is an aspect of my ongoing journey through Recovery.


Notice the title of this blog.

It's not "My Final Addiction," although that name was also available.

Because -- whatever addiction I'm working on to overcome, to conquer, to give to my Higher Power, to end its hold on me, its shaping of my existence -- experience has taught me that I am a True Addict. A new, or a long-dormant addiction is ready to rear it's ugly head and take the place of whatever current addiction I'm confronting and over which I'm seeking victory.

I picked up smoking cigarettes while in treatment for alcoholism.

Not right away. I chose to stay for a second 28 days, Phase 2 they called it, in which we would explore core issues, confront them, and begin working on them.

I had no idea (well, maybe SOME idea) of what I was in for, and it was BRUTAL. In a cathartic way, it was good and served as an impetus for true healing to begin.

But it was emotionally intense to a degree I had seldom experienced. That I had, in fact, learned to avoid through my use and abuse of alcohol.

So, when the emotions grew too strong, too devastating -- when I had expended more tears that I thought I was capable of producing, when I was utterly physically and emotionally exhausted, and believed I literally could not take dealing with another feeling, another forgotten hurt revealed -- I began smoking again.

I've been smoking (with a few short breaks interspersed) ever since -- for 3 years and a month now. I haven't picked up a drink in over 3 years and 3 months, but I am still ruled by my addictive nature.

My addiction is still strong, just manifested in a new form. It's still a way to escape, a crutch, and it's a block to my full Recovery.

It has to be dealt with -- the remaining unexplored core issues and hurts revealed and confronted -- and I am TRYING to deal with it.

Bravely.

Honestly.

Unreservedly.

Only right now, I have to go buy a pack of cigarettes.

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