2:43 AM and Wide Awake

I slept until 1:30 PM today, so I guess it should be no surprise I'm still wide awake. And it wouldn't bother me, except I have to get up and go to work tomorrow -- or rather THIS morning.

I am SO not looking forward to work either. I hate going in now. Somehow, it's much harder now that I'm only working 2 days a week. Once I get there, it will be fine. I'll just have to keep drinking coffee and Red Bull and eating protein.

Which will be good for my weight, at least.

I've gotten SOOOO fat. I haven't really gained that much weight, but it's the TYPE of weight, and where it's going, and the fact that I'm so lethargic and getting absoulutely NO exercise that makes it so bad.. I've really only gained between 2 to 3 pounds, but because I'm so short and small boned, and because it's flab added on top of  flab, it looks and feels like 10 pounds.

And not just to me.  I went in to Ann Taylor on Saturday to return some items, and tried on a couple of things, and Thelma, my  sales person, said in as nice a way as possible that nothing seemed to be fitting me as it normally did.  What she DIDN'T say was that it was because my gut has gotten so big.

I don't know if it's JUST that I'm eating so much more and the wrong kinds of food, or if the HRT is contributing to the weight gain, or it could be that the HRT is contributing to my constant hunger and cravings for sweets and starches, or if it's quitting smoking that's causing me to want to eat all the time, or WHAT.  I tried cutting down on my Chantix because I know it bloats me and makes me constipated, but now I'm craving cigarettes again, so I've had to step up the dosage on it again.

All I know is I'm fat, I'm anxious, I want a cigarette, and I'm WIDE AWAKE.

Wide awake and exhausted.

I've GOT to start running. I know it will make me feel better emotionally, it will give me more energy, and will inspire me to start eating right as well.  And it will help me to SLEEP.

And I'm still depressed. Not as bad, but it's still definitely here, no doubt contributing to the mindless eating, making me want to smoke, making me wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up, etc., etc.

I am NOT suicidal. I just hate my life and am too damn lazy to do what I know needs to be done for it to change.

I haven't seen my therapist in 3 weeks. Haven't been to a meeting in months. Haven't gone to Celebrate Recovery in probably 3 weeks.

I am in relapse mode and so close to picking up a drink, and yet I'm oblivious to that fact. I don't FEEL as if I want to drink, but when I analyze my behavior, my emotions, and my mindset, I KNOW that picking up a drink or a pill if I could get my hands on one is logically and inevitably the next step.

Tomorrow is Wednesday. If I leave work on time, I can go to my women's meeting.

I have to. I have to start somewhere.

And I have to do it now, today.