I feel bad. Not just bad; more like guilty and remorseful. I responded to someone's comment in a not so nice comment on his blog. Why? Frustration and anger at his inability to grasp and keep what I found over nine years ago.
What if people had been so unkind to me? Would I have been able to finally have that aha moment of connecting the dots and going for it balls to the wall, holding on and never letting go, even if my ass was falling off?
Maybe not. Maybe I would have been devastated and would have turned back to numbing the hurt and anger and betrayal I felt in what had worked to do that for me for so many years.
But, would I have ever gotten sober if there were no serious consequences for my drinking? The people who were real with me and didn't try to coddle me or put up with my BS were instrumental in my being able to finally accept that if I truly wanted a life and a future that wasn't just a miserable existence that I numbed out hoping for and fearing death, something had to change, and I couldn't expect it to happen if I didn't actively participate.
So, to my friend who will know this is for him, I'm sorry if what l said hurt. Please know if I didn't care, I would have said nothing, or just agreed with you. I can't do that anymore. I really want you to have a life with meaning, purpose, and joy. You don't have to accept or embrace a God you don't believe in. Spirituality is individual. Just find whatever that is that works for you, because you CANNOT do this in your own power. It's not magical, but it is mystical. I hope you find it.
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