It's Just a Dream

480 DAYS since my last last cigarette!!

And just 9 HOURS since my last drinking/smoking dream.

*SIGH*

The dreams now REGULARLY feature smoking. And in them, I'm no longer HIDING my relapsed status, but am actually beginning to defiantly FLAUNT it.

This scares me.

I was FINE with the dreams when I was ashamed and remorseful, even contrite in them.

 I always saw them as my subconscious alerting my conscious mind to a need for more diligence regarding maintaining my sobriety, or to some other stuff going on in my life which I was determinedly ignoring.

When I quit smoking, it changed from a couple of times a month maximum to Every. Single. Night. Over a year tobacco free now, and I'm still having them.

And I don't know why.

It's upsetting when I first wake up, because it can take several seconds before I remember it didn't really happen.

What's really disturbing is that in those first few seconds, I go immediately to panic and damage control:

Who knows?

What did I do?

Or say?

Where did I go?

How can I FIX this?

Not to regret, remorse, and praying I haven't hurt anyone.

I'm scared because I can't EVER forget how bad my drinking got and how many people it negatively affected.

People say, "You have to get sober for YOU!"

Nonsense.

There wasn't a ME I liked enough or felt was worthy enough or deserving enough for me to get sober.

I got sober for my HUSBAND and my MARRIAGE and my FAMILY.

You do it because when you can't love yourself, you might still love someone else enough.

Or more selfishly, you know you can't get by without them in your life, if only from a practical aspect.

You do it because there's no alternative left except the street and eventually death.

You do it because you know you HAVE to.

(Kinda the definition of "rock bottom.")

If I forget that, if I believe I wouldn't be there again in 6 months once I started drinking again, I WILL drink again. 

Because maybe Bill Wilson didn't know everything, but he knew that a drunk is a drunk is a drunk.

“The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.” -- Alcoholics Anonymous, page 30 (Emphasis Added)