I just got back from a glorious week, skiing in Colorado. It had been more than 15 years since I'd been skiing, and I was pleasantly amazed at how it all came back to me. I took a refresher course, too, so I'm totally pumped now!
Unfortunately, it wasn't such a good week for me in the sobriety department. Not only did I not tell anyone on the trip with me that I have a problem with alcohol, but I chose to drink every day, and to excess on two occasions.
If I had just made the decision not to drink without making a big deal about it, that would have been okay.
Or even if I had said to my friend who invited me, "Hey, I am trying to go alcohol-free this year," that would have been cool.
No one was pressuring me to drink.
I just did because it was an opportunity to do it and get away with it, since neither my husband, nor any friends I've shared my problem with were on the trip.
The opportunity didn't sneak up on me, either. I thought about it for weeks before. This would be a chance for me to drink without censure.
I know I should be feeling ashamed and guilty, but I'm just feeling numb about it at this point.
I don't feel good about it, but I'm not sure I want to think that much about it at all. Because to do so will mean having to make choices I don't feel ready to make right now.
4 comments:
It starts with honesty... And after reading this post, I'd say ya got plenty of that... IF you're an alcoholic, you can get sober when you're ready... Keep going to meetings, keep being honest with yourself... and keep sharing with those who know you have a problem with alcohol, as you say. It took my wife a loooong time of coming to meetings and drinking, and sobering up and relapsing before she was able to get herself on the right track. She now has over 6 yrs sober. The one thing she did thru all her drinking and AA attendance and relapse was to keep going to meetings... I believe that's what saved her butt. She knew what to do when she was ready. Unfortunately, this program works best for those who are ready to surrender to the powerlessness over alcohol. Once you're ready to "go to any length" to stay sober, it will work for you. So, keep comin back and try not to be to hard on yourself.
Hello. Your blog is really cool. I was reading some of your previous post, great stuff you have going on here!
There is that thin line between a problem drinker, and a real alcoholic. Anyone can live without taking a drink. But those with the mental obsession will live empty and eventually die without some spiritual guidence. I was introduced to AA, hung in there for 2 weeks, then went out again. I had to hit the bottom below my previous bottom to seek a different solution that was other than my own.
Sounds like you are finding this, your own solution that will work for you. I hope that you will. I found a different way to live in the rooms of AA, and it works for me. What I came to beleive is that alcohol was not my problem -- it is only a symtom, a small portion that supports the greater illness in me. This is my story though, I had to seek this out for myself.
I do hope that you will continue to discover more truth about yourself as you have been. I agree with Scott, sounds like you have lots of honesty going on. When you are ready, you will truly find what you have been searching for.
Thanks for sharing a part of you :)
Guilt is not going to do anything to help you girl.
You're going to figure this out.
It all starts with being honest with yourself.
Post a Comment