It's time I came clean about a something. I've been sober for 10 weeks now, EXCEPT that I have had an alcoholic beverage on two occasions during that time. On November 4th, I had about six ounces of "mulled" wine that had actually been boiled, and definitely did not have any alcoholic punch left in it. And, on December 3, I had about 4 ounces of a very weak Bloody Mary.
I didn't get drunk.
I didn't drink to excess.
Heck, I didn't even get a buzz.
But, I drank.
I had an opportunity to make an informed, intelligent and rational choice, and on both occasions, I chose to do the one thing that I know I have no business doing.
Knowing this fact, and knowing what it implies about my resolve and inner strength scares the crap out of me.
And this is where AA would say I need to just not drink today and go to a meeting.
There is a great deal of validity in the simplicity of that approach, because at least during the time you're on your way to and at the meeting, you're thinking about not drinking and consciously, actively choosing not to drink, and you're encouraged and supported by people who truly understand how hard that can be.
The problem with this approach by itself is that it doesn't help me in confronting and conquering what is there that motivates me to make a decision I know is so harmful to myself and to others.
And I think that's the key.
If I can get a handle on that, I think eventually I'll not WANT to drink.
9 comments:
I know exactly what you mean, I still cant do the one or two I fear! I LOVE the new look for the blog, very sophisticated! Got the new link image up, will email soon. Hope you had a great Christmas xxx :-)
Yeah, that "just one or two" seems to be the elusive holy grail to us alcoholics. Why is that, I wonder? Nearly everyone I've ever talked to who's really been honest about it longs to be able to drink like a "normal person" and stop after that one--or at the most two--drinks.
I can tell you that alcoholics are haunted by the notion that on day we will be able to drink "normally". The problem is that we won't. Normal people never have that thought. Put it another way, I bet that you have never woken up thinking "Today, I won't drink more than a glass of milk!" That's because you don't have a problem with milk. Non-alcoholic drinker never think about moderating their drinking. They don't need to.
What I needed to do in the beginning was think less and listen to people who had succeeded in stopping drinking. Bit by bit it sunk in and five years later I'm still sober.
We are as sick as our secrets. Thanks for sharing this. As a real alcoholic, I can drink, but cannot drink safely. That one drink will take me out -- I am glad to see that you are still in this.
Have a wonderful safe and sober New Year. Your blog is HOT, I luv it!
Like the look of your blog; like your questions too.
AAwoken, Sober Chick and Redhead Gal: Hey! Thanks so much for your comments! I just wish I had read them yesterday afternoon. I hate to have to admit this, but I caved and got plastered again yesterday. I'm not going to beat myself up about it any more, though (I've been doing that all morning). I AM going to get back on the wagon, get back to AA (which I dread, having to admit this failure, but which I know I need), and just take it a day at the time, or a minute at the time, if necessary.
Re your comment above, I know the feeling I caved too! I did have a sober New Year Eve though. Lets make this our year eh? :-)
Don't beat yourself up. If you are an alcoholic then it's what you love to do, drink! AA used to have a great ad they ran in ocal papers.
If you want to drink, fine.
If you want to quit, call AA.
Certainly don't dread going back to AA. Everyone there understands, exactly, what you are going through.
What a bit of honesty that was!! Thanks for taking me down that road. I can really relate to how you feel. IF you're an alcoholic like I am, then you truly have no mental defense against the first drink. I can talk myself into anything, make anything sound like a great idea.
However,when I go to meetings, have a program, ask an HP for help and say thanks daily, work with a sponsor and other alcoholics, I learn enough about myself and my disease to get to the point you are looking for: not WANTING (or should I say craving) the drink in the first place. Now, let me be brutally honest with you, the idea that a drink sounds good has never totally left me in 10 yrs of sobriety. BUT (and this is a big BUT), the obsession, the burning desire to drink, the inner argument ("should I, shouldn't I?") Has left me. That is what happened to me as a result of doing what I outlined above. I will pray for your continued sobriety.... love your blog, come visit mine...
peace!!
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