My new sobriety date is today, May 15, 2006. Here's hoping it's also my last one (meaning I'll stick with it this time).
Well, I screwed up my courage and did the walk of shame tonight. Everyone was great. Most of the people there admitted to having relapsed before. So many of our stories are similar.
I'm SO grateful for AA. I just wish I didn't have this empty, sick feeling. I think it's because I was supposed to have stopped drinking last week, but my husband went out of town from last Wednesday until tonight, and of course, the first thing I did was to go out and buy more booze. I basically stayed drunk from Wednesday afternoon until last night. Totally missed Mother's Day, and haven't been able to get up my nerve to call my Mom and apologize.
Last night, I had drunk so much, I vomited until I got the dry heaves. This morning I was so weak and shaky, and my skin hurt, if that makes sense, plus it looked burnt. No telling how many brain cells I've killed.
The part that makes me so ashamed, though, is how I lied and deceived my husband again, and so far, I haven't gotten up the courage to tell him. I also feel like a really rotten daughter, and my Mom shouldn't have to suffer just because I'm ashamed.
This is the sickest disease, because it hurts so many people. I just want to get well and to stop screwing up my life, and the lives of the people I love.
3 comments:
I hope that you decide to consider this your BOTTOM. If you can do that, then the only way you have to go is UP or forward. I know how you feel and you do not have to feel this way any more.
One Step at a Time.
One Day at a Time.
Respectfully, I have a different tack. Screw the bottom. I'm sure you've had worse. The shaking, dry heaves, and weakness is your body telling you it’s ready to do serious damage to your liver, so pay heed to it. Don’t sweat the brain cells. With luck, you’ll kill the ones holding the memories of wiping your child’s ass for the first time. You can always experience that again, if you wish.
On mothers, simply call her. Mother's love to hear from their daughters, no matter what state they're in. Call her, apologize, send her flowers if you can afford them (preferably to her work, that gets the best mileage), and thank her for suffering with you through childbirth.
On spouses, if you can't be honest with him, be honest to yourself. Agree to tell him eventually, but to quote the Big Book:
Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.
The Big Book does not say nor imply that you need to be honest with those close to you. That lesson is well known. If you chose to be dishonest with your husband, it only complicates your marriage. If you're not honest with yourself, you'll relapse, and then loose your marriage. Put sobriety before your marriage and your marriage will survive.
And pray that no consequences come of this relapse. Remember, never straight, always forward.
--
Without Wax,
SincerelySober.blogspot.com
An honest, live, interactive self-portrayal of one man's quest of recovery
Now you and I have the same sobriety date! Congrats! If I were to make one suggestion it would be go to ameeting and find a temporary sponsor. For me, this was one of the hardest things to do.
Post a Comment