My life is so f***ed up again. I've been drinking again since 4 nights after I wrote that last (self-congratulatory?) post. I think I've been "getting away with it," in that my husband seems not to have noticed, or if he has, is choosing to look the other way. Generally, he gets really angry if he suspects I've been drinking, and won't sleep in the same bed with me, and that hasn't happened. I've tried to be careful not to get obviously drunk, but I've had horrible hangovers at least 2 mornings, because I've done a lot of the drinking after he goes to bed.
I don't even know why I started again. I'm under A LOT of stress due to the fact we're moving to another state so my husband, the full-time graduate student, can begin a 4-year PhD program, and I've got to look for a "real job" once we get there (my last actual job interview resulted in a 2-day confined-to-bed migraine), since we have no source of income other than investments that are starting to shrink. We have to sell our beautiful house so we can move to a MUCH older--as in 45 years--, much smaller, and much more expensive rental house, pack up and move everything we own in 4 weeks. Just normal stuff.
Normal stuff that happens to normal people who don't have to filter it through an alcohol-generated haze.
I just know AA is not the way for me to do sobriety long-term. I dread the thought of a lifetime of attending AA meetings, and having my social community be fellow AAers. I despise the "lingo," the "buzzwords," etc. (what the hell does "fake it 'til you make it" mean, anyway??) so I've got to figure out how to do this on my own, if I'm not going to go back to AA.
Sidenote for All AA People: PLEASE don't think I'm bashing AA. I think it's a wonderful program if that's what works for you, and if that's what you want for your life. I KNOW that what I'm doing now doesn't work, but I have to find what does work for me. I have tremendous respect and regard for all of you who've managed to get and stay sober through AA, and I will continue to give and seek support here in this community online.
6 comments:
I don't take any offense by anything you say. No problem there. If you can find a way to do this thing alone, more power to you (pun intended).
But I hear people "in the rooms" say the same basic thing and look where they end up. In the rooms of AA.
Good luck, and we'll keep a chair warm, just in case you change your mind, which you are allowed to do.
And I'll continue to read your blog because it helps keep me sober.
Thanks, dAAve. You're a sweetie! I always read your blog, even though I don't comment that often.
You always make my day with your comments and your posts, as you're indefatigueably positive.
Keep it up. I'll be checking in with you frequently. And keep that chair warm for me. ((Hugs))
Hey there,
It's been a while since I've been here. I too am moving in four weeks so I can sympathize with you on that. Side note: I also will be downsizing in houses as where I'm going is just totally ridiculous rentwise.
I too take no offense about AA. I felt the very same way the first time I cam to the rooms. I failed as well. It took me eight years to get back. I knew that it worked I just did not want to do the work. So when I made it back, I thought to myself, "This is what it's come to...Sitting in meetings with a bunch of losers who don't know jack for the rest of my life. I though being an alcoholic was the greatest curse that could be laid on someone. Well funny thing happened on my way to loserville. I just decided to stop my thinking and let others tell me what to do. Lo and behold I view alcoholism as my greatest gift. It is alcoholism that got me where I am today. I would not trade that for anything.
There will always be a place for you in AA if you change your mind.
Wayne Dyer is also an alcoholic. He uses a wonderful metaphor which I apply to AA.
Imagine that you are born into a romm. You live your entire life in that room. You die in that room. Unfortunately, that room is only one of many in mansion. So imagine that you could learn to leave that room and explore all the others. What freedom. Better yet imagine that with pratice you could leave the house all together?
I found those answers in AA.
Space: Thanks so much for your comments. What you're saying gives me hope. I really do WANT to change. Just don't know exactly how yet.
AAwoken: I've been reading some of your recent posts. You have a lot of wisdom and compassion, and I appreciate your being nonjudgmental of us who haven't fully embraced the tenets of AA. Thanks for the comments, and the encouragement.
Thanks, too, for your understanding of the move, and what that means. We, too, are moving to a MUCH more expensive area in terms of housing, etc. More importantly, though, we've put down roots where we are currently (this is the first house we bought together, and we returned to an area that was "home" in some ways to us both), and just having that and having to give it up is extremely difficult for me. My husband has a dream and a goal to pursue. I have nothing, except the unknown, to look forward too, and frankly, that scares the crap out of me.
It's so much easier to NOT deal with everything than to try to figure out HOW to deal with it ... hence, the drinking.
Drinking DOES work for me on some level. I know what to expect from it (mind numbness), and while I'm "managing" my drinking and everything that entails (i.e., hiding it, dealing with hangovers, etc.), it gives me something to focus on and even (in a perverse way), a purpose, which I'm totally lacking in the "real world."
AA isn't for everybody. I only suggest you keep writing, whether it be here, or on paper. I didn't like AA for 20 plus years...until one day, I came to in jail, not the home I once owned that was quit beautiful. Keep writing, things will change...I'll be back.
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