Well, it turns out he was just looking the other way. I got a little sloppy and careless about the amount I was drinking, thinking I was getting away with it so easily and all, and I slipped up on Thursday. He must have come in and found me passed out on the couch or something (I honestly don't remember anything that occurred in a 2 hour time span). I woke up and started looking for the bottle of wine I'd been drinking, and realized he must have found it and hidden it. Finally found the bottle today -- empty, of course -- which confirms this scenario.
I waited for him to go out on his nightly walk and then high-tailed it to the liquor store and bought a bottle of vodka and proceeded to get blotto. So, we had the confrontation yesterday morning (well, morning for me, anyway). He asked me if I'm aware of how distressing my drinking is to him. I asked him if he's aware that the stress he's causing me makes me want to drink. He was incredulous that I blamed him for any stress I'm experiencing. Later, I apologized for blaming him, but inside, I still do blame him and I resent his selfishness. He just seems tired of it all, and wants me to go back to AA. I'm tired of it all, too. Including, maybe the marriage.
A few minutes ago, he said, "Baby, please don't be so sad." I just got mad and told him not to tell me how to feel. I can't get past the hopelessness and the anxiety and the profound sadness I'm feeling. This is my reality. All the time, usually. This is what I drink to escape from. There is nothing in my life that gives me any joy any more and I don't know how to find it again.
5 comments:
I know you don't like AA and sobriety and all that stuff, but you sound just like people I hear every day in the rooms of AA.
Hell, you sound like I used to be.
Lemme know when your way quits working.
Sounds like your are getting sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I used to be there. I know it well. dAAve nows it well. Most in AA now it well. Maybe try a different meeting? Maybe you'll hear exactly what you need to hear.
Meanwhile, I'll pray for you.
It's some ungodly time in the morning, and I'm reading these amazningly compassionate and real comments from my friends. This is so important to me. Important enough that I'm here, in my alcoholic haze, trying to write a response that is coherent, meaningful, and spell-check correct. Fuck. I really just want to be able to go back to sleep.
Not so easy when you wake up and realize you're not drinking because it's fun or because it provides you an escape, but you just have to do it to even exist and get through the day. Omigod. I'm SO drunk, and I can't even sleep. What's wrong with this picture?
How much does it have to hurt before we decide to do something about it? It took a lot of hurt before I was able to surrender. I felt the same way about meetings. I did not want the program to work for me so I could blame it all on AA. And the program of AA does not work for us, we have to work to get the program.
We will make you a deal. Sit in a meeting for 90 days, and if things do not change in your life then we will gladly refund your misery.
You really do not have to feel this way, ever again. Unless you want to.
We love you just as you are, and we all see ourselves in what you have shared with us.
dAAve, Scott, Jane, AAwake: I'm so sick of this. It so DOESN'T work, but it's all I know how to do any more. There may be a lot about AA that doesn't "set well" for me, but at least when I'm actively attending meetings, I don't drink. I'm going back in on Thursday. Please keep me in your prayers, as I so dread that "walk of shame" thing, when in reality, I know the people there will understand, forgive, and embrace me.
I know I have to do more than attend the meetings to stay sober, but right now, this is all I can plan for.
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