Okay, I lied. This is my second post this weekend. I'm posting because I need to tell on myself.
I'm in an icky place emotionally.
Part of it is because I don't feel well physically (the exact same crap I had about 6 weeks ago, where it feels like you're getting a bad cold, but it never really develops into a full-blown cold — just makes you feel lethargic, foggy, and blah).
Part of it is just plain fear and part of it is something I have yet to identify.
I typed "fear." What am I afraid of? I really don't know. I know I feel incredibly overwhelmed and sad and defeated when I think of what the rest of my life looks like, and see it stretching out before me, punctuated by daily AA meetings, calls to my sponsor, step work and service.
Don't get me wrong. I'm so grateful to have finally "gotten it," and I know where I would be without AA, because the memory of that is crystal clear and oh-so-fresh in my mind.
I just don't want this to be my life. I'm tired of having to plan my day around meetings. I'm sad that the ONLY people I'm making any real effort to connect with are fellow alcoholics.
This disease—my enslavement to it—has taken over my life for the past eight years. Now, I'm in recovery, and I'm not drinking, but I'm still enslaved to the disease, only handling it in a "positive" way. It is still taking over my life. There doesn't seem to be any middle ground.
I know what the "right" answers are. Just focus on today. One day at a time. It's the disease talking. Etc., etc., etc.
Don't really know where I'm going with this. Just needed to let it out.
And yes, I'm going to call my sponsor and go to a meeting.
20 comments:
Hey Buddy, there is a reason we say, "One Day at a Time." No one who is new likes to think of the next 20, 30 or 50 years of A.A. meetings.
Try to stay in the moment(one day at a time) and give yourself some time to heal.
Hope youRe feelin better....let me know what your sponsor says....have a great Sunday and thanks for your comment it really brighten my day....
I pulled a six year stint working in the back of an ambulance. I learned that life lasts a breath at a time. Thanks for sharing! Whatever happens, don't drink!
I think you will develop some balance. Right now, it's so important to get that solid foundation.
I would rather plan my days around AA meetings than around staying drunk. Enjoy the fellowship, making new friends, allowing your spirituality to evolve. Your HP will take care of the rest.
Good for you for telling on yourself, sweetie. We have a disease, and one way or another it's gonna be the centerpoint of our lives -- either in active drinking or active recovery. Personally I'd rather hang with recovering AA's than normies any day! One day at a time. Keep telling the truth!
A little card I have says "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today."
Blessings to you, my friend!
P.S. Hope you feel better soon. I experienced that same rundown-achey-and-icky-but-never-quite-all-the-way-sick stuff half a dozen times this last year. I believe it was (and is) my body detoxing.
Hallo there! Sounds alot like the way I felt last week. Remember that it comes and goes. I get tired of all the AA and meeting and such... so last night I went to see a movie by my self... one day with out AA can sometimes be good. Maybe my advice is off, I only have 45 days or so... but from what I can tell in my own sobriety, is that I need "me time". Everything in moderation though, I think I am still adjusting and learning how to live sober. Some people love going to 2-3 meetings a day, others just do one, some do less.
You just need to find what works for you... oh yea, and all the typical AA advice! Call your sponsor and talk about your feelings.
I feel the same way as you! I hope you are feeling better! I went to the beach this last weekend with my older brother... just enjoying other people really brightened my weekend...
Sorry for the long post!
You've put your finger on my own fear exactly - that if I stop going it alone and 'get with the programme' the rest of my life will revolve around just one thing, and I'll become as addicted to 'the cure' as I was to the alcohol.
Can't offer any positive words to help you through - just wanted you to know that I do understand how you're feeling.
Take care.
HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Oh, bless.
ONE
DAY
AT
A
TIME...no forgetting...
LET
GO
AND
LET
GOD.
A bit like your on/off cold, these feelings will come back again. Don't beat yourself up. Sit with the fear. Don't add alcohol. Be cool. It'll pass.
Kenny
(((HUG)))
xxx
Hey DG - I can totally relate. I know that when I am not feeling well physically (which I am right now) that it fucks (excuse) with me on other levels too (mentally, emotionally, etc...) Take care of you. Stay strong and remember I will always see you.
JJ
PS: Thank you so much for your kind words on my blog.
Sometimes it can be 1 minute at a time. It is good that you are talking about it. Doing this gives it less power. How did it go with your sponsor?
You know sobriety can be a lot of work, but you will learn that eventually it does not feel like work, it becomes something we enjoy.
Hugs to you!
The first time I got sober I thought the same thing. That I was just replacing one addiction with another. So I drank again - for 11 years. By the time I got back, I was thrilled to replace drinking with AA and meetings and my sponsor and my sober friends. I am more grateful for those things today than anything else.
Congrats on that chip. One day at a time.
What would you rather have? A life "punctuated by daily AA meetings, calls to your sponsor, step work and service" or a life punctuated by fear, pain, tragedy and lonliness? Life in a world where colors are bright or one where gray is all you see? A life of being painfully honest or a life where your pain will kill you?
The choice is yours and yours alone. We, and millions like us, have recovered and found a way to enjoy life. We all hope you stay with us and find the peace that your Higher Power makes available to you every moment of your life.
How are you? What is going on?
We love ya, girl! This is something we all go through.
This disease is life-long and incurable. It is what it is. We have two options: We can either experience a daily reprieve contingent on our spiritual condition, or we can choose to drink ourselves into desperate hopelessness. It's one or the other, but it is up to us what we choose for ourselves.
You're never alone, girl. It's okay to feel these things. Thank you for sharing what's on your mind, and keep posting!
Hey, everyone. Thanks so much for your kind words, your encouragement, your experience, strength and hope. I'm still struggling against depression, but I haven't relapsed. I "told on myself" at tonight's meeting (a women's step meeting I attend on Wednesday evenings). I haven't told my sponsor yet, but I will.
I know this is "normal," but it scares me, because it's this kind of thinking and mood that can so easily lead to my taking that first drink, and I really DO NOT want to do that. I know it's not the solution. I know it's not the absence of alcohol that's making me feel this way.
I will get through this. Tomorrow is Day 40, so I've gone too far to blow it now.
Hang in there. You are doing the right thing sharing from your heart. It's when we keeping secrets that we get sicker. I'm working on my 19th month, and I go through rough patches, then I remember that my life is so so so much more than it was.
We are all praying for you. Let your HP answer those prayers.
Take it steady, hon.
Thinking of you.
K .x.
You feel lighter and more free when you "oust" yourself to those in recovery. Keep on fighting, we are here 4 you.
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