Saturday, October 21, 2006

Out of My Head

Okay. So I think I know what's going on.

I'm showing up for life. Life isn't all pink clouds, puppies and kittens, and flowers. I have stuff in my life I don't like. It's been there all along. I just made it (seem to) go away with alcohol. It's still there, because it never really went away.

So, now, I have to deal. And that sucks because it hurts. It hurts to look at myself—at my empty, pointless, directionless, purposeless life—and admit face that this is where I'm at.

It's kind of a chicken/egg scenario. Which came first? The drinking to deal with blot out my empty, pointless, directionless, purposeless life, or my loss of meaning, direction and purpose?

I don't know. I don't know if that even matters.

What matters is that now I have a chance to start over. To find meaning, direction, purpose and passion. To build a new life. A life I like and want.

And I think it's possible that I may find a me I like, as well.

5 comments:

Amerynthe said...

I wish I was there to give you a hug because it feels like this is an emotional day for you.

I know you will find a you you like. I've only known you a couple of short weeks and I like you already! I know you will find the life you want because you've decided you're worth it.

You're 10 days ahead of me in the sobriety stakes and I never want to catch you up - or lag behind, so you see, we both have to keep going!

Take care and keep on blogging!

Scott W said...

We do not regret the past, nor do we wish to shut the door on it. You have to find that happy medium for yourself. We can learn from our past, but are seriously directed to not dwell in it.

Recovery Road London said...

I reached the point where I accepted that it didn't matter which came first. Made life much easier.

:-)

Anonymous said...

Hiya, Designer Girl!

Oh this is tough stuff. It was the hardest part of my recovery so far. When I went through this, I thought I was going insane! I called my sponsor. She said, "Oh my gosh! You're FEELING again!" And yeah, that's all it was. I was just "feeling" and experiencing emotions that I had not felt in years, and they were so wacky that I felt like I was going nuts. But it's normal, and it passes. It passes!

The long-timers at the meetings told me "Don't drink, don't think, call your sponsor". Because when I think too much, I get caught up on small details that don't matter. The only thing that matters is staying sober and working the steps. Disregard the extra stuff for now -- because if it's really something important, it will become clear as you work the steps and no amount of effort on your behalf will make it clear right now.

Hugs to you, girl! Take a deep breath ... easy does it.

Unknown said...

Hugs back at ya!