I have a confession to make.
I used to get really mad when Scott W. would say things like (and I'm paraphrasing here) "You kept me sober today."
I wondered what the heck he meant. Was he making fun of me when I relapsed? Was he trivializing my multiple attempts at sobriety? Was he taking my inventory and finding that I came up woefully short?
I understand what he meant now. At least, I think I do.
The past two evenings, I've been at meetings where someone has shared, and I've thought, "There, but for the grace of God, go I." Hearing these stories, I'm rawly and newly aware of how narrowly I've escaped relapsing in the past weeks, when I've been finding excuses and reasons not to attend meetings, when I've cut off contact with my sponsor, and when I've begun to romanticize drinking and entertaining the thought that maybe I'm not a REAL alcoholic after all, and that I should just maybe TRY some controlled drinking and see how that goes.
Yeah. Right. Like I don't KNOW how that would go.
Tonight J shared. He was 3 weeks away from a year, from getting his MEDALLION, and he went back out. His wife (or girlfriend) came with him. She cried most of the meeting. He admitted he wasn't sober, but had come anyway to confess and pick up a white chip and start the day count over.
When we were in Raleigh recently, I had drinking dreams 2 nights in a row. They scared me, and thank God, they made me realize what I was allowing to happen, and how my thinking had wandered into insane territory again. I'm frightened because I'm going on a ski trip in less than 2 weeks, and it would be VERY easy for me to drink there and feel as if I'd "gotten away with it."
I don't WANT to get away with it though. I don't want to DRINK. I like my life sober SO much better than what it was like when I was drinking. I don't want to lose this new life. I don't want to have to start over. I don't want to put my husband through the kind of misery I watched that woman go through tonight.
So, at tomorrow's meeting, I'm going to say all this out loud. What my thinking has been. What I haven't been doing that I should be doing. How I'm scared that I'll drink again unless I start really working the program.
I think I need to start fresh, with a new sponsor. My sponsor is GREAT, but she's not right for me. I need someone who sees the role of faith in a similar way, and whose concept of God is nearer to mine. I'm not quite sure how to tell M (my sponsor) this, but I need to try. I owe her that, and I owe it to myself to start living honestly.
I've realized something else over the past couple of days. Not drinking is not the same as being and living sober. I want to be sober, and I want to live sober, not just to not drink.
I owe each and every one of you in this little circle of recovering friends a huge debt of gratitude, because you have played a huge role in my NOT picking up a drink in the last month or so.
But, I know I need to do more, and I know what it is.
So, as Scott W. would probably tell me, I need to Just.Do.It.
13 comments:
Girl...you are so full of taking action right now! That's when your growth REALLY starts showing! If you share all that at a meeting, people will really get to know you, and that's how you form a true support group. YOU GO GIRL.
Yes, definately "tell on yourself" at your next meeting. My sponsor told me to do this once. She said I would be astounded at the results. Indeed I was. I was thought of, prayed for, checked in with. I was very supported when I asked for it.
I know how that craving is for a drink. Just that one....As you have found out, sobriety is more worth that drink (who are we kidding - that drink, plus the others to follow)
Well my friend you just reminded me to call my sponsor...thanks. This is my 2nd sponsor and she really is kickass. I wouldn't want anyone else. So finding a sponsor that is right for you is important.
I very much appreciated your post, your honesty, and your gratitude.
Stay strong my sista,
JJ
PS: LOL..we were reading each others blogs at the same time...cool.
JJ
It took me almost three years to finally get with the program and stay sober. I used the revolving door too long. Then I had people coming up and thanking me for going out and doing their drinking for them. They were happy to see that it still didn't work. I had the resentments going good, the best part is that today I am sober and I thank those people who said those things to me.
omg...your post is so amazing today. Straight from the heart. Thank you for the humility and the chance to "see you" xxxooo
When they told me 90 meetings in 90 days, I thought they said 90 sponsors in 90 days - just kidding, but I have had LOTS of sponsors. My current one I have had for 11 years, but it took me 11 years to find her!
Oh I'm so glad you posted instead of picking up a drink. Please do share at the meeting tomorrow.
You will enjoy skiing way more when you can get up and make first tracks without a hangover.
I haven't got a sponsor yet. I'm still looking, I guess.
DG, I'm so proud of you! What a joy to see your honesty, openness and willingness.
It Works If You Work It.
But it doesn't if you don't.
I can totally get how that could upset someone. We all learn from each other, from the person that has 24 hours to the long timer that has 28 years. We keep each other sober. Usually when someone states something that upsets me it is impactual and has greater depth than a nice message. It sucks at the time but it allows me to see.
I thing you rock for "outting" yourself. Get that Poison OUT!
Now that will REALLY help me stay sober today!!!
Now, tell me, did you JUST DO IT?
LOL! Yeah, Scott W. I DID!!! :D
Post a Comment