All By Myself (Don't Wanna Be)

I woke up this morning feeling almost hungover. I had a pounding headache centered behind my eyes, which throbbed even more every time I bent my head forward. In my first attempt to make coffee, I forgot to put the carafe under the filter cone, and coffee poured out all over the kitchen counter (thank God for paper towels!).

I haven't felt this way or been this clouded in the morning since I quit drinking, and I think I know why I woke up feeling like this today. Yesterday, after we ate a late breakfast of waffles with maple syrup, my husband left for a three-day conference up in Orlando. Left to my own devices, and having no one to prepare meals for, I munched on dark chocolate M&Ms, Wheat Thins, prepackaged jello and fruit, and then topped it off around 11:30 pm with some frozen yogurt. The only protein I had was a few bites of chicken, pulled off the remains of the rotisserie chicken we'd eaten the previous evening, and I had no veggies of any kind the entire day. This morning, my "hangover" was most likely a result of a virtually all sugar diet. It began to subside significantly after I drank a cup of coffee, which it just dawned on me was probably also a factor: caffeine deprivation. I usually drink anywhere from 3 to 6 cups of coffee a day, and I only had one yesterday morning.

Enough about that.

What I really need to get off my chest is this: This is the first time I've been alone for more than a few hours since I got sober in April. I was depressed and outright fearful yesterday, which probably contributed to my mindless junk food munching.

Not afraid of being without R. Afraid of being alone, with myself. It took me a while to identify my fear. At first, I thought it was just the memory of previous times R's gone out of town. His trips were something I looked forward to, because I could drink and veg out in front of the TV. I used to obsess about what I would drink, planning to try new wines and special cocktails, and usually just ended up drinking straight vodka. How would I handle it now that I'm not drinking? What if I ended up drinking? I'm so close to 9 months, and I sure don't want to blow it.

But then, I realized, it's not really that I'm afraid I'll drink. I mean, there's always that fear, at the back of my mind, and I think it's a healthy one that keeps me from becoming cocky and complacent. I know what I have to do, and I'm doing it (calling and meeting with my sponsor, talking about my fears, journaling, going to meetings, hanging with sober friends, going for my outpatient activities, etc.).

The greater and more honest fear is just being alone with myself. I've never enjoyed being alone, because being with myself used to be painful. I didn't like or love myself, and I couldn't stand being alone, but I didn't want to be around anyone else either. I couldn't believe anyone else really would like me, if they knew the real me, and always being "on" and maintaining the facade I presented to the world was exhausting. So, I isolated and drank and told myself I preferred being alone, and I even believed it for a long while.

Today, I need to learn how to enjoy being alone with myself, and this is actually a wonderful opportunity to do just that. And I'm not really alone. My Higher Power is always with me. I can be alone, and not be lonely. I can appreciate and develop my character strengths, while I continue to identify and work on my defects. I am beginning to love myself, and to even like myself, but it is indeed progress, not perfection at this point.

I am learning that I can just be, and that is truly one of the miracles of recovery.