Friday Already?

Technically, I guess it's SATURDAY already, at least in Mississippi.  I had 2 Twix and a Diet Red Bull for dinner, munched on fruit and veggies, ate 3 vanilla Oreos (my husband's) and now am sitting at my PC eating handfuls of my husband's cereal, dry from the box.  Hubby is not here.  He is at his Mommy's in Atlanta, so I am being BAD!! :D Next, I plan to drink a 5 hour energy shot and watch a bunch of my previously recorded shows.

I haven't been totally bad today.  In fact, as sobriety and recovery go, I was a pretty darned GOOD girl!  I responded to a voice message a girl I'd met last week in a meeting left me (who the hell calls at 7 AM in the freaking morning??!!), and we chatted for a while.  I had stayed up all night unpacking boxes and doing laundry and being petulant and resentful that my husband expects me do EVERYTHING.  It pisses him off when I stay up all night, and it makes me look like such a martyr when I've been working on the house and laundry, etc., so I do give in to the urge every so often.  Not more than twice a week or so.

I went to bed around noon and woke up around 3 PM when Roy came home to pack.  I drank coffee, got ready for my 5:30 meeting, and went to it.  It was a GREAT meeting, and I'm so glad I was able to be there and hear what I needed to hear and share what I needed to share.

I had forgotten to take my cell phone, so I had another voice mail on my phone when I got home, this time from a lady who is brand new, just starting to go to meetings, and I'm not sure she's sure she's an alcoholic yet.  Thank goodness, I and some others had given her our phone numbers, so when she got stressed out today, she called.  I called her back and she wants to go with me to the 10 AM meeting tomorrow, which is fine -- in fact I'm thrilled she wants to go -- but when I suggested a meeting place so she could follow me to the meeting she more or less indicated she doesn't want to have to deal with Ole Miss at-home-game traffic tomorrow, and would like me to come and get her.

Okay, normally, I might be a teensy bit put out by this, but I'm actually pretty damn pissed off about the entire scenario.  She lives south of town, which means, I would have to drive through the pre-game traffic both to pick her up and take her home, going way out of my way to do so, as I live on the side of town where the meeting is.

I'm not doing it.

She wants me to call her tomorrow morning at 9AM, and I'm just going to tell her that since our conversation earlier tonight, I looked at the map, and realized what picking her up would involve for me, and that as I said tonight, I will be MORE than happy to meet her at a mutually convenient spot, and she is welcome to even leave her car there if she doesn't want to follow me, and I'm happy to bring her back to her car, but I am NOT going to take on the very thing she is so anxious to avoid.

The only thing is, now I feel guilty that I'm not willing to go out of my way to help a newcomer.  Part of me just wants to shut up, pick her up, and not let it get to me, but to be happy to have an opportunity to be of service.  Another part of me is saying, hey wait a minute, she may be a newcomer, but she's not new in town, and you are.  That part, which is not such a nice part of me, is also saying, do this this one time and you are setting a precedent, and you are setting yourself up to be used and walked on from here on out.

What's difficult for me to sort out here is the truth, and what is truly important.  Granted, I have issues, and become defensive easily.  I have also failed to set proper boundaries in the past, and have ended up in situations where backpedaling was impossible.  So, first things first... my feeling "put out" and taken advantage of is probably mostly due to fear, false pride, feelings of inadequacy and lack of self-confidence.  It is probably more important that this newcomer gets to a meeting, even at significant inconvenience to me, than it is for me to establish boundaries and avoid being used.  I remember how frightened I was to go to some of my first meetings in AA, and if people hadn't put themselves out and taken me to and from the meetings, I know I wouldn't have gone.

So, I need to do this.  Even if I have fears of setting an unhealthy precedent with this lady.  Even if I am taking her inventory and wondering what kind of issues she has that makes driving so impossible for her right now.  Even if I think she is incredibly self-centered and thoughtless to hint at my having to drive clear across town and back twice so she can get to a meeting.

Because she needs a meeting.  I need a meeting.  I need to humble myself, swallow my pride and release my fears and resentments and realize that God is in this.  This lady called ME and asked for help. That took incredible courage, born of desperation.  She wants to stop drinking and start living and she doesn't know how to do that yet, and she certainly can't do it alone.  Thank you, HP, for allowing me to be of service to another alcoholic, even if you had to drag me to it, kicking and screaming.  Thank you for loving me, and for loving my new friend that much.  Thy will (not mine) be done.