Monday, November 01, 2010

So Much To Tell, So Little Time...

Whew!  Where do I even start?

Nutshell Version:
Moved to Oxford, MS just over 2 weeks ago.  Decided with my therapist to do a new 90 in 90 (new town, new support group/friends needed, etc.).  Everything going well, at least on the surface.  Husband in his element - dream job, meeting influential people in his field, being challenged, growing in knowledge, etc. ad nauseum.

Not so great, is that I started smoking AGAIN, having quit 2 weeks or so prior to moving, after I started smoking AGAIN after quitting for 9 weeks or more.

I know the smoking is just another unhealthy and essentially nonproductive way to mask what I'm truly feeling and not deal.  But right now, I just can't deal with everything, don't WANT to deal non-chemically-enhanced with all this reality, cuz right now it's too much.

Don't get me wrong.  I absolutely LOVE Oxford.  People in general here are genuinely the nicest I've ever met, and I'm from the South originally.  I am grateful and excited to have gotten into a recovery core group so soon, and my fellows and fellowettes have been remarkable in making me feel welcome, giving me phone numbers, making sure I know where meetings are, etc, etc.  I am home, truly, and felt that way after walking into my very first meeting here, even though I was 30 minutes late.

I am just a little down and sad at the moment, mostly from post-move, mid-unpacking stress, I'm sure.  But, it's a little more than that, too.  I just want my husband to love and accept me for who I am and despite who I am and what I do that he dislikes (i.e. smoking and spending money), especially when he knows I'm really trying.

I'm sitting here typing and the tears are welling up, my sinuses and eyes are stinging, and I don't want to cry, cuz I've got to wrap this up and get showered and dressed in time for my 5:30 meeting.

Roy's going to ATL this weekend.  I was planning to go, too, and we were just going to take Boots with us since it's only a 6 hr. drive and my mother-in-law loves her grandkitty.  But now, I'm thinking I just want a weekend away from him (Roy, not the cat).  So, I'm going to tell him that tonight.  I don't care if he gets pissed either.  I need my alone time sometimes.

 Besides, I wouldn't want to miss my Friday night and Saturday morning meetings here, and I tried to find ones I could go to in East Point instead, but I'd rather just stay in my comfort zone this weekend, chaotic as it is.

More later.  The shower calls. (Boots is helping Mommy blog.  Will share photos I just took 2nite - can't find USB cable right now - he's probably lying on it!)

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