Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Prayers (Please!)

Everything pretty much the same here.

Had a few good days after seeing the doctor and getting on new meds, but today, I'm back to where I was. 

Supposed to follow up with her tomorrow, and probably will, given that I'm barely holding back the tears at work.

Either that, or I'm sarcastic and sniping at my coworkers.

So much easier to be angry instead of sad, but that just hurts everyone around me.

It's enough that I hurt, that I'm miserable; don't need to make everyone feel the same way.

(Damn, that's mature!)

Also, much easier to write than to carry out in my actions.

*SIGH*

I just want this to stop.

I want to stop feeling like crap. Is that too much to ask?

I honestly have not felt this blue since going through menopause and we all know where that got me (although, it did also get me into recovery for my alcoholism).

I don't want to go back to self-medicating, although it's really tempting.  Not with drinking, but with pills.  Somehow, I'm able to convince myself at times that if I start abusing pills, it's not the same as relapsing by picking up a drink, and I know the truth is that it IS the same, that I'd have to white-chip all over again.

Gollygeewhiz, I could use a Xanax or an Ambien or a Valium right now.

Poor me... poor me... pour me a...

Yeah.

So not a good idea!

So, I will put my big-girl panties on tomorrow.

I will shower, put on make-up and a fake smile and phony cheerful attitude and to to work on time and grit my teeth until the end of the day when I can go to the doctor and find out what the heck is going on and hopefully get things straightened out.

Prayers, please.

Seriously, I really need them right now.

I need all the help I can get right now; this is certainly bigger than I am.

But not bigger than my Higher Power, not bigger than my God.  So...

I can't.

He can.

I think I'll let Him.


1 comment:

Michael said...

"He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. (john 6: 54