Had a few good days after seeing the doctor and getting on new meds, but today, I'm back to where I was.
Supposed to follow up with her tomorrow, and probably will, given that I'm barely holding back the tears at work.
Either that, or I'm sarcastic and sniping at my coworkers.
So much easier to be angry instead of sad, but that just hurts everyone around me.
It's enough that I hurt, that I'm miserable; don't need to make everyone feel the same way.
(Damn, that's mature!)
Also, much easier to write than to carry out in my actions.
*SIGH*
I just want this to stop.
I want to stop feeling like crap. Is that too much to ask?
I honestly have not felt this blue since going through menopause and we all know where that got me (although, it did also get me into recovery for my alcoholism).
I don't want to go back to self-medicating, although it's really tempting. Not with drinking, but with pills. Somehow, I'm able to convince myself at times that if I start abusing pills, it's not the same as relapsing by picking up a drink, and I know the truth is that it IS the same, that I'd have to white-chip all over again.
Gollygeewhiz, I could use a Xanax or an Ambien or a Valium right now.
Poor me... poor me... pour me a...
Yeah.
So not a good idea!
So, I will put my big-girl panties on tomorrow.
I will shower, put on make-up and a fake smile and phony cheerful attitude and to to work on time and grit my teeth until the end of the day when I can go to the doctor and find out what the heck is going on and hopefully get things straightened out.
Seriously, I really need them right now.
I need all the help I can get right now; this is certainly bigger than I am.
But not bigger than my Higher Power, not bigger than my God. So...
I can't.
He can.
I think I'll let Him.
3 comments:
"He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. (john 6: 54
Hi there, I have discovered this blog from across the Pond, I am English and also a sober addict, I am thinking of creating my own, yours has been fascinating reading to me.
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Hi, Pamela! I'm so glad you are also on this journey called recovery. Blogging certainly helped me gain a stronger foothold, especially in the earlier days before I had a good foundation IRL. I was blessed to find a group of regular sober bloggers that not only supported me, but called me out on my BS when necessary. Unfortunately, not many of them, or I for that matter, are still very active within the blogosphere.
How long have you been sober? For me, it's almost eleven years now. It's still hard at times. I still have drinking dreams from which I awake feeling horror, shame, and self-loathing until I realize it's just a dream. Usually, it's a sign that I'm dealing with a lot of stress. I've learned to take it as a warning that I need to confront and work through the issues at hand.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I still believe that one day I'll be able to drink "normally" again, although intellectually, I know this is a lie straight from the pit of Hades.
My point, if indeed I have one, is that this is a disease that never goes away. There is no "cure" for alcoholism. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Having double digit years of sobriety isn't a badge, but a reminder that no matter how many years one has, like the newbie, we are all just one sip away from a slip. Complacency creeps in and we feel invulnerable, and that's a terrifying place to be.
I have personally seen people who were sober icons with 20+ years under their belts come back to the rooms and whitechip. Not where I ever want to be. I haven't been to a meeting in years, and your commenting on my blog is a huge wakeup call that I'm fooling myself if I believe I can do this as alone. None of us can. We may think we're sober alcoholics, but we're just dry drunks.
Blog. It's therapeutic, it keeps you honest and accountable, it's a great place to rage and vent. Just don't substitute it for being involved in a real life community of actual people who are like minded and are also in recovery. Go to meetings and develop a close group of sober confidants. Don't try to make your spouse or significant other, your church, or non-alcoholic friends or family members your recovery community. They're not, and they cannot fill that role. Having an expectation of them to do so will end up with your feeling disappointed, betrayed, and resentful. Don't shut them out. Just let them be what they're supposed to be.
Sorry if this sounds like a lecture. I'm writing more to remind myself of what I need be doing than offering unsolicited advice! For all I know, I could well be preaching to the choir! I hope that's the case. I wish you the best in life and in recovery. Please come back any time, and be sure to let me know when you begin your blog so I can follow it. You can also email me at designergrrlATgmailDOTcom (punctuation marks in place of the CAPS), and I'll respond.
Best of luck, and kindest regards,
Pam (also a Pamela BTW!)
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